“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

People have offered advice, it is no use chatting on here if you don’t phone round for a solicitor, they give half an hour free advice.
Your DH does not need to know anything ever about the appointment. I was 20 years married length for them means no to them.
Get all monetary papers together plus photos on the phone to see where you stand. Start an escape fund, have your DC and yourself kitted out for the next year, your pension up to date etc, DC hobbies paid up front, so when you are comfortable and want to confront DH you are ready to tell him to leave.

They are one to one messages, so others can’t see them in an obvious way, I’m sure his boss could if he got IT to look at them but they wouldn’t unless something was flagged.

I don’t think I can last until after Christmas, I have been in pieces today, think the reality has hit where as before I think it felt like it was happening to someone else. I feel physically sick and like I’m going to collapse at times.
Wasn’t helped by my ears pricking up when he got a notification, he made a comment and I said “well if you had shown me your messages before maybe I wouldn’t be suspicious” and his comment was “we’re never going to let this go, are we”.

Sure, work can see the messages if they look, but why would they look?
A manager isn't likely to have access, they would need to request IT permission.
There's probably no reason for them to do that, so nobody will ever see them.

Hey OP .
Sorry you’re going through this .
Why won’t you let him know you’ve seen the messages?
My partner years ago ( not who I had my kids with ) , left me for his work colleague , I do remember it being so awful 😔. It took so much time for me to get over it .
It was going on for a year behind my back .

Would you consider letting him know you’ve seen the messages & go stay with family?
At least you might be able to think more clearly .
x

If you do get a chance to look at his phone also look at his iMessages then go to edit, it will will say recently deleted and you can retrieve the last months worth of deleted messages

Dear OP, I really feel for you. No wonder you're a mess, your world has been turned upside down, no matter how far it's gone. I'm a year out and generously proposed Xmas together, but now I feel like I want to punch him really hard in the face. So, accept your feelings, don't push them down, I guess. Hugs!

You need to take photos of the messages if you haven’t already and confront your husband. This isn’t friendly chat. Sounds like an affair or at least an emotional affair and you need to tell him before Christmas.

He's a smug bastard isn't he?

Why does she HAVE to tell him before Christmas? What difference will it make?

I hope OP tells him to do one, when she's ready. Kindly OP, you don't need further proof, the fact of him being disrespectful is plenty. It can't be good for her health to bottle all of this stress up. No idea if he is having full blown affair or not, but he is not a nice person or partner, and I wouldn't trust him.I wish OP and kids all the best.

I'm so sorry OP. I think you've shown remarkable restraint - and I do understand that this is because children are involved - but I would have said something by now. For example:
Him: "We're never going to let this go, are we?"
You: We would have been able to if you hadn't lied.
Him: What have I lied about?
You: That there's nothing "inappropriate" in your phone messages between you and her.
Him: There isn't!
You: Yes there is - I've seen VERY inappropriate messages between you! Does she make a habit of going commando on your trips to the back row of the cinema with its reclining seats? (Followed by a long, hard, silent stare while he inevitably berates you for looking at his phone. 🙄 )
You: (Once he's shut up) Oh yes, how predictable, you being annoyed about me looking at your phone as if that's the biggest BETRAYAL going on here! 😡
You clearly have two options here OP - say something before Christmas to get this off your chest and ensure he carries the weight of his betrayal in the way you're having to, or put on an Oscar-worthy performance for the next two weeks of the perfect wife and mother, happy and joyous about the festive season, and then give it to him with both barrels in January.
There is, of course, a third option: say nothing and suck this all up. There are some women who can do this. I could never be one of them and I don't think you can be either. Best of luck with whatever you decide OP.

Yes. I'll not be explicit, but it's pretty clear what's been going on.

He's dating her while keeping you on the back burner because he wants the fun but doesn't want the upheaval (yet?!) mine had an affair with one work colleague then left me for another, I wish to god I'd kicked him out when I had my first suspicions. Even if this is ALL he's done, it's enough - if he loved you he wouldn't make you look like a tit by flirting with a colleague to the point where she would clearly think he wants her.

The thing that hurts me most is when we had the discussion about me being jealous I said I was worried about an emotional connection more so than something physical and of course he assured me they were just “friends” and that I was being irrational. He even tried to blame it on the menopause the other day! I think in some ways I’m more hurt by the emotional connection than if they have had sex or not, especially as that was what I told him I was bothered about.

I'd tell him I absolutely wasn't going to let it go, because you aren't a fucking doormat, and that he should have more respect for 25 years of marriage than to do this and then expect you to let it go.
That he treats you with disrespect and contempt and won't even give you the dignity of being truthful, so you are very far from letting it go, you cheating scumbag

JFC OP, I want to slap him for you! 😡 Yes, of course he'd have you believe it's a you problem (except those messages tell you it's absolutely not). This is nothing to do with you being jealous, hormonal and/or irrational. It's to do with him, at the very least, being disrespectful to you and your marriage with his inappropriate 'bantz' and at worst ... Don't let him gas-light you OP - this is a him problem!

Your husband is not interested in an "emotional connection" with you, with this woman at work, or anyone else. He is cruel and selfish, showing "emotional connection" as and when in order to fulfil his needs, and his alone. I understand why at this moment you feel jealous and hurt but once you come to see what a grubby and shallow affair this all is, you will come to understand that this is not about you, or another woman. He is cruel and selfish and will say what he thinks he needs to in order to deny - to himself as well as others - what a crappy person he is. He is taking you for a fool and treating you like shit because he believes he can.

He is choosing to take another woman on dates rather than you. It really is that simple. This is an emotional affair regardless of if he calls it that or not.

OP you have told him how this “friendship “ makes you feel and how disrespectful it is to you but still he is choosing her/this friendship over you. He is taking you for granted and making a fool of you because he can. You are allowing this to happen because he knows full well there are no consequences for him he told you he was taking her on a date and you let it happen. Unfortunately he has no respect for you because he knows you are too scared to leave/break up his little affair. Don’t let him do this to you, remember people only treat you how you let them treat you. Also think of the example you are showing your children-an exercise on how to be disrespected. If you stay till Christmas only give him one gift the Shirley Glass book “not just friends” if he reads it and still disrespects you the marriage is over. He should be cutting ALL contact with OW and letting you see his phone. You have to start being more assertive if you want to save this marriage unless you think he doesn’t want too which is what he is showing you just now.

I totally agree that OP should take photo's of the messages (so he can't delete them and gas-light her again) but she doesn't need to tell him before Christmas. What she does (or doesn't do) and the timing of her actions is entirely down to her.

If you are torn or not sure what to do still seriously consdier ( as somone else suggested) getting somone you know / trust that he doesn't know / recognise and arrange for them to go where they meet up to see how they are together.
Or you could sneak in the cinema once they are in or wait nearby untill they come out and watch for yourself.

This way you will be sure what's going on rather than drawing it out for longer than necessary.
Alternatively trust your gut and follow through with separation if he cant respect you.

The thing is - if it feels wrong to you it is wrong.

I went through something similar with my Ex. The only solution apparently was for me to trust him MORE when my trust had been broken by him having an emotional affair with a school mum, in plain sight.

He'd argue his way out of anything. He blamed it all on me. My behaviour. My suspicion. The big M. All except himself.He locked everything and wouldn't show me anything.

Now I am in a normal trusting relationship again I can see how wrong it all was.

I stayed too long. Hoped too long.

Wish I hadn't.

Good luck OP.

These are messages on a WORK phone. Imagine what they are saying on their personal phones. This isn’t friendly banter. They both have zero respect for you and her husband. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him, frankly.

Does he have iMessages on any other devices, like iPad, laptop etc, watch that you can check without checking his phone?

I think that women are often more hurt by the emotional betrayal - certainly true for me. I don't know if I could forgive a one night drunken physical mistake - quite possibly not, but maybe - but I DO know I could never forgive a sustained emotional connection. This is in many ways a far greater betrayal and the idea that they might be 'laughing' at me or worse, 'pitying my oblivion' is something I could not ever get past.

There is nothing strange about you feeling more betrayed by that. And the fact that you have told him and he is still trying to shut you down is unforgivable. I am so sorry that this is happening to you OP, and I know it feels exhausting and overwhelming to deal with the reality of it, can I just also remind you that even if you don't leave ultimately and you work through it, you will only ever be able to forge a new path together if you come down hard and strong now. You need to earn his fear and his respect back - he needs to feel the utter shame of how he has treated you - so tough as it is, stand firm. You will have more options in the long run that way.

“We’re never going to
ket this go, are we?” plus blaming the menopause?
He could t get more patronising, minimising and blame-shifting if he tried!
My reply would be “Are YOU ever going to let this go, because unless you do, no, I’m not going to ‘let it go’ or tolerate it further either. It stops now.”
How dare he?!