“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Ok thanks for explaining.

So in all those years you've known him/been together, how many female friends has he flirted with/go e on cinema dates with? How many male friends has he flirted and gone on cinema dates with? Is this how he normally behaves with his friends, or is this current friendship completely out of character? That'll give you your answer.

It doesn't matter if they're shagging, or if you have forensic proof. If he's going on date nights with another woman and focussing more time and attention on her than on you, then that's an emotional affair.

On the other hand, if he's a serial flirt and has had loads of female friends that he's spent 1 to 1 time with throughout your relationship then this one is probably no different. But I expect if he'd carried on like this 25 years ago, you would have finished with him then?

To me, those messages imply that they're at least comfortable with the idea of being physically sexual with each other even if they haven't already.

My god if the hundreds of replies on this thread aren’t enough to show you what is happening in plain sight, as well as the proof from his work messages, then the other things you’ve posted, aren’t going to convince you what kind of man he is, I’m sorry but you are a bit stupid!

I don’t know anyone who would accept this from their husband/wife/partner. Do you honestly think if you were sending similar messages and going to the cinema with a male friend he’d think that was just a laugh?

I see this as every bit as bad as a full blown affair, he’s disrespecting you, not being honest with you, and gaslighting you.

Sorry op 😔

I think this is just work sex. I'm sure it will blow over .

I know I shouldn’t but this made me lol . Like getting a fit of giggles at a funeral .
Just a bit of work sex, phew, long time since I had any of that

I suppose the question is do you want to be married to someone who says these things to another woman? If someone really respected you, would they do this?

I’m in a similar situation and the conclusion I’m coming to is I’d rather be alone. But I understand how difficult it is x

Did Your previous post tell he used to work with her in a different job and then got her a job in his current place ?
I wonder how long the affair has been going on.

I hope this example helps you to make some decisions. In the early days of my relationship my husband (boyf then) I felt had some great friends who were girls then some emotional affairs that were explained away as friendships. When he was single he could do this but now he had me it was very different. He went out for coffee with these women, weekend trips away (which I mistook for his ex) he claimed all the coffee trips were work related. However it turns out the coffee shop manager was giving him free coffee and flirting. It came to ahead when the grandmother of this manager saw us both in a supermarket not knowing who I was and practically telling him to marry her granddaughter. I had enough, I didn’t trust him at all. He begged me to stay and I gave my terms- the women who are genuine platonic friends you appropriately continue with them in your life, the ones who have over steeped boundaries need to go. I wanted full access to his phone whenever. He did all that- the messages I found were upsetting but over time he did exactly what I asked of him and now although I know I can have access to his phone (like he has with me) I absolutely feel no desire to look at his messages, because he proved to me over and over that I mattered, that our relationship was special. There was lots of reasons he got into those trysts and we have discussed those reasons openly and I do understand how he got to that position. The women he stayed in touch with are lovely they came to our wedding they are great friends to him.

so the reason I say this is because, he’s crosssed several lines, he’s flirting with her, talking about non work related stuff on his work computer with her, and taking her out on dates. But even worse than that he lies about it and refuses to let you access his phone. There should be nothing private that you can’t see on his phone- those friendships and conversations should be out in the open.

you have two choices, you set your boundaries and if he doesn’t meet them then you leave. Or you stay knowing your relationship is compromised. Some people can do that but I know personally I couldn’t stay with a man I couldn’t trust or respect. Hope this helps x

Goodness when I read this I thought he was a new boyfriend. 25 years! Why don’t you know his phone pin?

Except he previously told you there wasn't anything inappropriate on his phone - he lied. Why did he lie?

I have been married 25 years and adore my husband and have a great marriage. But if my DH did any of the things yours did, just one of them, he would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't hit the ground before I had the door slammed shut. Your H has done all of them and you are at home being his maid while he is dating another woman and flaunting it in your face. You are unhappy in your marriage and he does not respect you. Do you want to be tortured by him another 25 years?

What more proof do you need than the messages on Teams? FFS if he is comfortable writing that where his boss can read it imagine how disgusting his private texts are. He is a disgusting man. He does not deserve a happy Christmas. You owe him nothing. Your DC could not possibly want their mum to be so unhappy and disrespected. OP take back your power and bin this pathetic man. You will feel empowered being able to break free. OP, please value yourself more than you do. It is him who is worthless, not you.

Have you confronted him? What happened in your case? 💐

That's OK then. Just 'work sex'. Nothing to worry about at all!

Is 'work sex' just another workplace benefit, like a good pension and generous annual leave? Do they include this in the 'Benefits' section of their job adverts?

Yes, I’ve confronted him. I just get sucked into endless denial and gaslighting. I’m just coming to the conclusion that someone who loved me wouldn’t keep hurting me, whatever the specifics are. I haven’t left yet, but I’ve started preparations.

„Wear panties - this time“… WTAF??!!

I think he’s cheated already. How does he know she wasn’t wearing underwear? Only you know your husband but I’d say it’s got physical already.

I’d be screenshotting the messages and confront him with it. Then tell him if he goes on this „date“ he can pack his bags and leave.

Yes I think the same thing will happen when I confront him, or I might be sorry and apologetic to start with then it will just go back to the same. Sorry it’s happening to you too.

I feel for you both, ladies.

I think it's worth pointing out that, despite what many posters on this thread have said, when you've invested years, even decades, in a relationship, it isn't as easy as it might sound to break it all off, especially when it otherwise seems to be working ok. I think it's really understandable to try to see a way forward together - even when the cheating, lying piece of shit doesn't deserve it. The loud exclaimations of "I'd throw my DP out in a second if this happened to me" are only hypothetical and come across as lip service to an ideal that may quickly disappear when someone is faced with the brutal reality of infidelity themselves.

I can’t get my head around all these messages can be seen by his boss & work colleagues . It makes me kinda think nothing physical is going on ( yet ) , just the humour there is so crass .
As in if they were having an affair , would they be speaking like this to one another infront of everyone they work with ?, that everyone knows they’re having an affair & it sits perfectly fine with them all .
Just doesn’t add up 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I would get Xmas out of the way though I’m not sure how I’d cope as I’m a very emotional person and then sit him down without warning and ask to see his phone, ultimatum , phone or you talk divorce .
i really understand where you’re coming from op
I don’t think you’re ‘stupid ‘ or ‘naive’ as other posters have said but it’s hard when you love them and they’re gaslighting the hell out of you and you just want it all to go away .
I also feel like I need absolute solid proof when this stuff happens .

Also if you do ask to see his phone don’t forget WhatsApp has all sorts of features to hide messages so I’d read up on that first . There’s a locked message feature but on top of that there’s an extra one where you have to put a PIN code in

You have all the proof you need. You don’t need to convince him he’s being inappropriate - he already knows. If you believe a man who loved and was dedicated to you wouldn’t plan dates with another woman and discuss if they should wear underwear this time that’s reason to leave.

If he says “it was a joke/it isn’t real/she doesn’t even exist/you’re crazy” - why would you listen or care? It’s not up to him. You don’t have to have him agree that he’s cheating. It isn’t a hunch. You don’t even have to tell him the evidence you have seen that has satisfied you. In fact, it’s better to keep those cards close to your chest because he can’t gaslight you as easily if he doesn’t know what details you in fact do know.

A simple “I’m going to end things because I have been given sufficient evidence you are cheating with OW.”

@MissyMooPoo2 ,

‘I think it's worth pointing out that, despite what many posters on this thread have said, when you've invested years, even decades, in a relationship, it isn't as easy as it might sound to break it all off, especially when it otherwise seems to be working ok. I think it's really understandable to try to see a way forward together - even when the cheating, lying piece of shit doesn't deserve it. The loud exclaimations of "I'd throw my DP out in a second if this happened to me" are only hypothetical and come across as lip service to an ideal that may quickly disappear when someone is faced with the brutal reality of infidelity themselves.’

I respectfully disagree with this, although I do agree it is hard to get your head around it quickly.

The whole foundation of a marriage is trust and, once that has gone, what is left? My ex wife cheated on me and we split up soon after. We are amicable now, but it was tough at the time.

Having read many similar threads on here, it is a tiny minority who genuinely get over it and become a happy couple again. Some split immediately, some take a while and some reconcile only to split up a couple of years later when they realise that, however good the marriage seems, you just don’t trust your partner not to stray again.

Everyone is different and must navigate their own way through it, but self respect and confidence are important, and it is hard to preserve those living with someone who prefers someone else over you (even if only physically).

I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with. I didn't mention outcomes, I explained that it's very easy to boldly claim the relationship would immediately be over, despite the evidence of infidelity. I think it's inherently unkind for posters to proudly claim that THEY wouldn't be taken for such a fool and would decisively end the relationship if they were in the OP's shoes.