“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

You have proof of inappropriate banter in the workplace, him booking seats on the back row, joking about wearing no knickers, calling it a date and refusing to share his phone.

That's all beyond what I could take in a marriage.

His denying it would be irrelevant to me. I'd just switch off as a marital partner, and I wouldn't be doing the usual chores or having any intimacy with him as I'd feel so upset.

If your marriage isn't great, and he's disrespecting you (and definitely is having an affair by the way), then you don't need to prove it to him, he needs to prove to you he's not having an affair and he's totally committed to you. He won't, so there you are.

I would just say you don't care what he says or what he has or hasn't done, you realise his attention is elsewhere and you want him out.

He's hoping you'll allow him to stay with you and turn a blind eye, or let it go further with the colleague and then jump ship in his own time.

I'd break up that happy secret fun party by this afternoon if that were me.

The fact you can't talk to him about it and just get gaslit shows what kind of awful man he is, he's not trying to protect or nurture you at all.

The.messages.she.read.on.work.phone.is.all.evidence.she.needs.

This man has -

complained to OP about not cooking for him on demand.
another credit card which he kept secret and has bought Viagra with. Convinced OP he’d hidden buying them out of shame.
worked with this woman before and had a long standing connection.
complains to OP about having to help her in the house and then helped this woman move house. With OP’s and his son to help.

I suspect this woman’s husband had suspected something and they are now back together.

To me it doesn’t matter that it’s nearly Christmas. The kids involved aren’t toddlers. He must be at least 45, could be 50, and he’s behaving like this. Id rather my mum went nuclear than live like this.

If you stay beyond this you are giving him the go ahead to do what he wants.

That's easy to say...finish it this afternoon but it's not that easy. You actually can't legally throw someone out their own house. If he is wants to stay he can until it's done legally.
That's why I wouldn't say anything. Just book in with a lawyer and start the ball rolling.
Keep stum. Enjoy Christmas. Start planning how to end it.

Oh I agree she can't remove him from the house. But I wouldn't be able to sit with this and play happy families, I've only ever lasted about 2 hours in my entire life of keeping things inside. I'm not a waiter or a watcher or a 'get your ducks in a row' person. I agree it may be better to bide your time and get financial documents together and not to confront him, but personally I would just explode into his smug little face and probably collapse my life at that point. People are different. I kind of admire people who can play the long game. I can't, and never have, and that has mean things have blown up at less than ideal times. Children I would see if a relative could have them for a day/get care/choose a time when they are out.

I'd also add don't think people won't hide in plain sight. My relative who was having a long affair did exactly this, invited the person around, treated them like part of the family, got the whole family to be nice to them- that's why it was even more gutting when we found out this woman had been traipsing into our house being nice and staying with us!

I do agree do what suits you though, OP. It sounds like you have put yourself last and deprioritised your needs and feelings for a long time.

Indeed. The people suggesting the OP hires a private investigator are a) bonkers and b) have too much spare money.

Over the decades, I have had relationships at work and I've had opposite-sex friendships at work. None of the second category would ever conceivably have included anything like the underwear/ spoil sport exchange. Early flirtatious parts of the first category might well have. There's an intent/desire there, at a minimum.

You have got proof that he's dating her. He called it that himself.
You've got proof he's gone to the cinema in the back row and him and his girlfriend are sending smutty flirty messages.

You don't actually need proof of actual sex.
You know your husband is a liar.

Even if you just went off him, you can leave.
What he's doing is more than enough

So the intent was there along with the opportunity along with your blessing to go to cinema with his "friend". He has had this so easy and that friend zone has well and truly been crossed. Trust has been eroded and I would find it hard to move past this. How old are your children? Does he interact with them and take them out or is everything revolved around his needs and wishes. At some point in the future either you will tackle him head on and ask him to choose or she is going to give him an ultimatum - you or her. If he picks you would you be able to put it behind you and not bring it up every time you have an argument. Would you be able to trust him if he says he is going out with the lads or for a run or whatever other interests he has. Will you care whether he chooses you because he's realised how much he loves you and the children or because he may have to pay a lot out financially if he openly chooses her and he is worried that he may also lose any respect relatives or some friends may have had for him? It is a lot to think about and I hope you are able to decide whether you want to fight for your marriage and lay down some new ground rules or you want to end the marriage and retain some dignity by not accepting his gracious left over feelings, but ensuring you and the children are provided for. I hope my post has not added to your unhappiness. You deserve so much better. Take care.

Honestly I am really shocked by this. It’s horrendous behaviour. He might not have done anything yet. But he 100% wants to.

he’s also gaslighting you.

Ditch him, even if only temporarily (but don’t tell him this). He needs the shock!

Please don't wait until it is too late and what I mean by that is many men who cheat and are found out, just make a few promises that it will never happen again when caught out if they do not want to settle down with the new GF, and then they just move on to the next woman. You may decide to forgive him but could you ever be sure of him again or are you going to lay in the dark next to him wondering what he has been up to every time he has a night out, or wondering if he has restarted his affair with the one who caused the problem in the first place. Many may disagree with me but I have seen it so often when I was younger and worked in bars. The amount of men who used the same pub with their wives 1 night then used it 2 or 3 nights with the GF! I was not a friend of any of the wives but knew who they were and I did want to tell them but as I didn't know them personally, I did not feel ok with telling them and possibly breaking a marriage apart. It was awful. I have also seen that men move on so quickly when the marriage does end and it doesn't take long before they are with a new GF sometimes one a good few years younger than them. The wife may have childcare issues and can't afford to go out so the chances of her finding a new partner are rare. The years pass and then you are too old and don't have the confidence you may have had when you were younger. I see men I have known since I was a teenager and they are still at it, chasing much younger girls - and getting them!! When I was young I only liked people around whatever age I was apart from one who was 12 years older, I was 17 and living in London and he was 29 but very well dressed, modern and good looking, but I still felt he was too old so eventually finished it. Please don't be that woman who keeps putting her future off until it is too late. Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the very best. Take care.

Proof of what OP?

You HAVE proof that he has betrayed you - he is literally dating and flirting in plain sight.

He made vows to you and he has broken them. Of this, you have proof.

In a previous thread he’d used a secret credit card to buy Viagra.

We all want to catch someone bang to right because we don’t want to end something if we’re wrong. We also want the moral high ground.

But, you are married for 25 years, going to the cinema with another woman isn’t okay with you (it’s not like it’s a childhood friend) the sexy texts aren’t okay with you. That’s enough to end a marriage. My sister said to me recently when I was saying something similar - “You know you can break up with someone if you don’t like their hair.” It was tongue in cheek but she’s right! You can end your marriage because he broke a promise, he isn’t looking after you or your heart.

Ultimatum time? New job, complete cutting off of friend, don’t let him gaslight you, you are allowed to ask for this. If he won’t then you have your answer. It is perfectly reasonable to say that a friendship with another woman needs to end or your marriage is over. There’s another woman on here that posted maybe 3 months ago and he ignored the ultimatum and they split. It took him a while but eventually agreed to have zero contact with other woman and she had no proof of an affair (it was actually more tame than your husband’s shenanigans) I wouldn’t have taken him back after that but hers was a long term marriage like yours and he seemed to see sense in the end. She hasn’t updated in while.

If he tells you advance when he’s going to the cinema, send a friend or family member he won’t readily recognise to the same showing sitting a few seats away or row behind (if not on back row again) and they can report back what they see!

@Anon1234567891 ,

It is very different to be on the outside of this than the inside.

If a friend of yours said/

Her husband was going to the cinema with a female colleague and had booked back row seats.

He and the woman had referred to it as a ‘first date’ and whether she would be wearing panties.

What would you advise her?

You should do the thing that I first read on here. Confront him, say you know everything and that he has one chance to come clean or you are filing for divorce as soon as practicable.

And then go very silent and allow him to talk.

If you threatened to tell his family if he did not show the messages or admitted an affair, would he be bothered? Some people will deny things right up to getting caught. What inflames me is that it is usually the woman who has not only to deal with her feelings over the betrayal, but she has to be there for the children some of whom won't understand the complexities of marriage and affairs, but may even think it is their fault becuase they didn't keep their room tidy or some other small random misbehaviour, instead of it being the adulterer who should bear the weight of this No doubt he will have plenty of "reasons", all of which will be your fault. You never wanted sex, you wouldn't experiment, you were always looking for faults, you made him feel like a lesser man, you stopped making an effort with your appearance......the list will go on. Only you know if you can forgive and try to forget - he may not give you that opportunity and if she will have him, that decision will be taken out of your hands. Please make an appointment with a Solicitor now even if the appointment is not until after Christmas you have got the ball rolling and it gives you time to gather any evidence of adultery if he does not admit it. Sending you hugs.

What do you mean 'he might not have done anything yet?" 🤔 Did you read what was in the texts on his work phone? Can't believe you think that's an ok thing to write to anyone as a married person.

Exactly. He's dating another woman.

@Alwaysalertyou don’t need evidence to divorce now

Won't any evidence of adultery count towards how the marital assets are divided e.g. the home, money in a joint account. The OP and children should be allowed to keep the home even in the event it is larger than they need, now that they, have split up so any extra bedrooms not needed as no more children together. Don't know if OP works and whether that will be taken into account. I just thought that with proof of adultery it may give her a better hand when it comes to dividing assets etc.

No. all divorces are no blame now

Have you lost your mind?

I wouldn't recommend ending things on a hunch.
It may be a short-term work crush that blows over and life goes on.