“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Please see a solicitor asp. Get your ducks in a row instead of posting

Goes from bad to bc worse.

I haven't booked a back row seat at the cinema since I was a teenager and we couldn't snog and grope at our homes because of our families being there. Same as your husband and his married colleague, I suppose!

Why do you have to carry on as normal? My parents split up over Christmas. Yes, it was shit at the time but to be honest it would have been shit whichever day it happened.

It didn’t ruin Christmas for us forever more. It was one shit Christmas out of many wonderful ones. It is just a day after all.

I think what is paramount over Christmas or anything else is your mental wellbeing. And if that means that you need to tackle this now and get this man out of your life sooner rather than later then that is the best course of action for you and your children.

So in the back row and saying “I guess you’ll have to wear knickers this time” implying she didn’t wear any past time?

OP why would you punish this by sitting on it until after Christmas? Confront this cheating bastard.

I think I would demand to see the personal phone messages and say you are leaving if he refuses. It is such a massive level of disrespect he is showing that I couldn't do nothing. Letting it continue will kill your love for him stone dead.

You know he is having an affair - trust your gut.

I've also been where you are and when I look back now, I can't believe how naive I was. But the gaslighting is real and it's maddening. I also couldn't believe my DH was capable - it was genuinely traumatic when I found out he was. The betrayal is incredible.

I thought my husband never had the opportunity but they booked hotel rooms in the daytime and met when they should have been at work. They will always find a way.

The thing is as bad as it looks I haven’t got any actual proof, I’m sure he will say he’s just having a laugh. I suppose if I say he has to show me his phone and he doesn’t I guess that’s some proof. But as I asked him before and he said he’d been through his messages and there “wasn’t anything inappropriate” then he has probably deleted anything that is and could be deleting as he goes along.

You. Do. Not. Need. Proof.

Not to even remotely diminish what’s being said on this thread, but I can’t imagine anywhere worse than the back row of our local cinema for trying to do anything, those chairs don’t move at all, the premier-seats are all in the middle.

Well he might just say yes it was inappropriate but doesn’t prove anything else.

It’s OK, you can get a no-fault divorce these days. You don’t need proof.

There is proof though in the messages you have seen, even if there is more on his personal phone, what you’ve seen already is enough in terms of crossing the line. I know people will say don’t tell him you’ve seen the messages, but how else are you going to move forward? You either have to be upfront with him, and yes I’m sure he will be furious you’ve looked at his work messages, but the problem was already created, by him. He will likely deflect it back on you and make you look the bad person. I’ve been there.

I guess you either say nothing and it ruins you, which will ruin your marriage anyway, you say something and he fesses up, or you say something and turns it on to you. None of those really have positive outcomes, the best outcome would surely be he fesses up and yes the messages are outrages but there’s no more to it and he stops whatever is going in and you can both try move forward.

what do you actually want to do about it?

Well so what if you don’t have proof? You can end a relationship for any reason you like. His inappropriate behaviour is a justification in itself.

The proof is irrelevant; you are unhappy in your marriage and the comments you have seen have made you feel disgusted and upset. He is clearly living a life that he does not share with you. You get to decide what you do with the information you have.

Explain what you need proof for?

I had a look at your previous threads and you’ve been unhappy with this man for years now. To be quite frank, he treats you like dirt. You are like a maid, and now he has a maid at home, a girlfriend to go out with, and he doesn’t even care that you know.
It doesn’t matter how old she is or that she’s married. He is behaving like a prick and what he is putting you through is abusive.
You do tend to ask on your threads if you are overreacting, is it just you? Come on @Anon1234567891 you know none of this is right.
Heres the rule - you should only send a message to a female friend that you’d be fine with your wife seeing, and vice versa.
This man does not care for you or even like you.

We’ve been married over 25 years, I don’t know if I can end things on a hunch, although I would struggle to trust him again, especially while he is still around her even if it was only at work.

Please stop doubting yourself or diminishing what he has done. It’s hideous. I really really don’t jump to LTB, a lot on here do. He raises his voice to the hamster -LTB! But this is awful. You need no more proof than what you’ve already seen. I hope you don’t keep your head buried unless that is truly how you want to live your life. If you want better than a cheating bastard, then get out on your terms with planning in place. I hope his knob rots and falls off. Bless you OP.

It’s not a hunch. It is blatant disrespect. Whether it’s been 25 years or not he is going to keep this up and drive you mad. No man who loves you does this.

Told you - you need to get in his phone. It’s clearly the only way your gonna learn he’s a slimy POS

or have you got a mate that can follow him on his next cinema or hobby date and see if he’s really where he’s supposed to me.

id totally do that for a mate. Call me magnum PI

What hunch? You saw those messages with your own eyes didn’t you?

How disrespectful or how badly does he have to treat you before you stop doubting yourself?

Sending you strength 💐

25 years????

Love you must be at least 40s then. Bin this prick and find some happiness. You could waste the next year or decade of your entire life.

Private investigator.

Or - Ring her husband. Apologise. Tell him exactly what you saw on your husbands phone. Ask if he has seen anything. Apologise again and say if it was the other way round you would want to know.

Don’t warn your husband as to what you are doing.

Many years on this earth makes me think they are cheating.

If there is nothing going on it’s fine to speak to her husband about your concerns.
You may find the husband checks her phone, or says he knows, or says she has form.

Your spouse isn’t going to tell you. Cheats are liars. It’s who they are.

Regardless your respect for him may now start to dwindle. It’s hard to respect a liar.

OMG, such a cliche The Drifters even sang about it!