“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP, just wait till he's wrecked his marriage and then his office gf dumps him.
He's royally messing up his life.
Their sordid office fun fling will bite him in the posterior in the end.

One of the many reasons people have / continue affairs is the ego boost.
OP - I’ve been where you are.
The shit I saw between their messages - shock doesn’t come close to it. And I still didn’t believe he was having an affair. Not the sort - didn’t have it in him.
Also, He struggled with ED
I posted on Mumsnet
80% on Mumsnet thought he was f@cking her with Viagra. - I came off Mumsnet because I didn’t believe the responses / advice. They didn’t know my husband and he would never do such a thing.
I turned detective.
They’d been at it over 4years.
Its the worst pain in the world and my heart goes out to you for what you’re facing.
OP - he absolutely IS F@cking her.

Dayuse UK

I dont disagree.

It’s obvious he fancies her

So he is basically dating a colleague while married to you. And he seemingly is not much interested in socialising with you. Apart from a few "cool" wives, I can't think of any wife who would find this acceptable let alone the grubby messages. And I can't think of any employer who would find these kinds of message on a work phone acceptable either - particularly from a married man. I think they call this behaviour cheating in plain sight. I simply couldn't imagine my husband behaving like this and daring to tell me I was being unreasonable. When I was young and single I can't imagine how I could have been persuaded to "date" a married man in these circumstances - she has to be desperate. It really doesn't matter whether or not they've had sex because your husband would pretty plainly be up for it if she offered. Remember that bit in the wedding service where it talks about forsaking all others - there's a reason why that's there.

She isn’t single, she is not much younger than me and has a husband and kid. Although they did split up for a year and got back together but that is a whole other story, some of which is on my previous thread.

This is disrespectful on all levels.
I think you know this though.
Why men have to boost their egos like this I will never know.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Private detective.

OP, in the past thread I thought he was cheating and now I am convinced. Please do not be gaslit by the it's banter nonsense. He is flat out disrespectfully full out engaging in sexual talk on work communication. His employer can see all these messages. It is disgusting and likely he could be fired. You knowing he will be mad you checked is so telling. If he has nothing to hide why care? If he talks like that on teams you can bet his personal phone is much worse. People have affairs at work all the time. Lunches, breaks, in the car or even the office.

I do not think you should wait until Christmas and torture yourself. It will ruin your holiday. I would confront him and tell him you will do what is best for the kids for the holiday but after that he needs to leave and go be with his pantsless buddy. OP, you deserve more than this spineless man is offering. I would send the messages to her husband as well. Let them have each other.

I wonder why the office woman split from her hubby and got back with him a year later? I've met quite a few people; mostly women who seem to yo-yo between different men. They seem to enjoy the drama it creates.

I'm sorry to add to those other posters who believe that your DH is either already cheating or about to/wants to. The fact that he would not show you the messages said it initially - whether couples believe they are entitled to secrets is one thing but your DH could put a stop to any distrust immediately by showing you the messages. Personally, I would not like my husband going to the Cinema with just a female colleague - is she his only friend - are there no other colleagues who share an interest in the same type of films? Whether some may think you are overreacting or not, I don't. He is a married man with children, not some random bloke you have been out with a few times. What would bother me is that not only is he cheating but he is making a fool out of you by being so blatant. I'll bet there are a few colleagues who have discussed this and either envy your apparent cool nature or think he is a CF and are aware he is taking the piss and feel sorry for you. I don't know which is worse. I may or may not say something to the woman at this point in time as you want Christmas with the kids to be harmonious and unspoilt for them, but my looks to her would say it all and she would know, I know. Please as soon as you can after Christmas if you have a close friend or relative, share the load as this is huge and you need a friend. After that protect yourself by seeing a Solicitor and hit the bastard where it hurts. You will feel better if it is you who makes the call rather than hope it fizzles out -it may just get serious between them and you are left anyway.

This is not work banter. It is either an affair or a building up to an affair.

I read your original thread. The amount of posters saying you should not be concerned about him sharing an interest with a work colleague and you didn't share his interest so let him get on with it and it was just because she was a women that you were concerned and that shouldn't matter. Well they were wrong, as some said they would be, and your instincts were correct.
If there is one thing we should tell our daughters about any interaction with people be it a relationship or safety of our children or anything else, trust your instincts. They are very rarely wrong.

Sorry, OP, but there are websites now which sell day rooms at normal hotels. dayroom.com and hotelsbyday.com. It would be the easiest thing in the world to book one of those and for them both to take annual leave, or a long lunch if there are hotels near their work. Or if she's single, they could take days off at hers. Also, there must be SOME times when he's not with you or at work. Hobbies, shopping trips, errands, visiting friends?

I’ve got male colleagues who I would describe as friends and would possibly go to the cinema with. Some of them are married.

None of them would send me photos of beds or make jokes about underwear. That is proper HR harassment territory!

So, unless he is generally creepy and inappropriate as a person, he is very very sure that those comments will be well received.

I think that you need to look at the messages on his phone. Can you watch him next time he puts the pin in and work it out?

Exactly this. They were very unwise and stupid posters who really don’t know what the real world is.

It’s screamingly obvious. Nothing more is required.

I wish more women came back and updated their threads like this because it’s always made out that some if us are just suspicious and men can have new female friends and blah blah blah when most of us know that 3 months down the line it’s all coming out that he’s a dirty dog.

He is already cheating....doesn't matter whether they have done it or not. He's absolutely entwined in a sexual relationship with that woman. Those comments were sexual and grubby. Sexual sexual sexual. He is being sexual with her. And her him. Yuck 🤮 🤢

If she’s gone to the cinema with no underwear on she’s gone there with one thing on her mind and I don’t believe for one minute nothing happened in that cinema sexually. They were on a double bed ?! She had no underwear on. 👈🏻👈🏻?? They are definitely sexual, and not really hiding it on work messages. You NEED to check his personal phone. Try and discreetly watch him type his pin in or wait till he’s flat or asleep after a drink and do Face ID. I’d need to know.

What kind of cinemas can you fuck on a double bed in?

It wouldn't be possible to do that, but it would be possible to be intimate.

In the 60s and 70s, it was a case of snogging in the back row of the cinema. No double bed required.

Just to add that many mainstream cinemas now have recliner seats.

Also the tickets he did actually book were on the back row.