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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
localnotail · 15/12/2025 20:21

I'm so sorry OP but dont listen to anyone saying "its banter" - its clearly not. They are sleeping together, or planning on doing so. Its really up to you how you deal with this but dont sweep it under the carpet - its grim, and very hurtful.

ILoveLaLaLand · 15/12/2025 20:21

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 18:27

Mostly laughing emoji’s but she said “spoil sport” to the underwear comment

Show quote history

It's not normal to go to the cinema with a colleague of the opposite sex when you are married with children and even less to be talking about sofa beds and underwear.

What age is she and is she married with kids or single?

This all sounds like the start of an affair.

I wouldn't be advocating going straight into divorce mode - I think most long-term marriages survive this type of scenario especially if there are young children.

It will be your call and will depend on your unique circumstances.

mindutopia · 15/12/2025 20:24

I’m sorry, OP, there is absolutely no way in hell I’d be making banter with a work colleague about turning up to an event where we’d be alone together in the dark (lying on a sofa/bed?) not wearing my knickers. No way, that’s not banter. You know this.

I’d be cornering him, saying you ‘know’ (don’t let on in any way what) and demand his phone there and then.

Zov · 15/12/2025 20:27

strange25 · 15/12/2025 20:13

Agreed. I’m not huge on the cinema but something about it seems odd. Bet it’s not 70 year old Barbara from accounts he’s going with!

Show quote history

Exactly!

By the way, The bit where I said Any woman/wife who thinks it's out of order for their husband to go out on an evening to the cinema is not acceptable, has every right to think that though.

SHOULD say

Any woman/wife who thinks it's out of order for their husband to go out on an evening to the cinema WITH ANOTHER WOMAN is not acceptable, has every right to think that though.

SL2924 · 15/12/2025 20:45

I’d be amazed if they hadn’t already slept with each other. No this is not just normal banter and goes waaaay beyond flirting.

Muffinmam · 15/12/2025 20:55

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

I’ve been where you are now. Except we weren’t married (although we’re were defacto’s and were living together). There was a co-worker and it was absolutely an emotional affair and the very beginning of a sexual affair.

There were some random inappropriate drunk messages on his personal phone but they were random and there was no history (he had deleted the history).

I found the evidence by going through his work phone which he synced to his emails and from there I found (in his deleted folder) that they had been having dinner together and hanging out every night when I thought he was working late. There was a lot of flirting.

Anyway, we ended and it was devastating at the time.

henlake7 · 15/12/2025 21:01

Normally I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (and I've seen some heinous over reactions on this forum!) but I would struggle with this one.
Sounds like OPs partner is either having an affair or trying to start one.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 15/12/2025 21:09

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

I'm one of the MNers who argued that of course men and women can be friends, go to the theatre etc without it being romantic or sexual. But this has definitely crossed the line. It's NOT workplace banter, it's outright flirting and completely inappropriate.

Lamentingalways · 15/12/2025 21:19

I can’t get my head around you being unclear on what is happening (don’t want to believe it perhaps). He is having an affair, he knows about her underwear etc. Sorry OP I don’t think there’s any grey area here.

tv12345 · 15/12/2025 21:34

I remember your other thread. Please screen shot the messages you've seen.

I'm sorry OP but he's constantly making it clear that he'd rather be spending time with this other woman than you and those messages are completely inappropriate.

I wouldn't be able to wait till after Christmas to discuss it. I'd be sitting him down and saying that you've been feeling like there is something really wrong in your marriage, you've been really uncomfortable with his sudden interest in spending time with his work colleague and with him not being willing to show you his phone when you'd happily show him yours - so you decided to check his work phone. Let him go off on one, try to make out you're the problem, you've been snooping, you can't be trusted etc etc and then calmly point out that he's been talking about going on dates and whether or not she's wearing knickers and that that is completely inappropriate and disrespectful.

He'll then either continue making it all your fault or start being defensive and saying you can check his other phone and there's nothing on there (now that he's deleted it).

I'd then move on to that you're fine for him to stay in the house over Christmas for the sake of the children, but he needs to spend that time deciding whether he wants to prioritise your marriage or his coworker. If he wants to prioritise the marriage then he needs to stop the cinema dates, stop any chat that isn't work related, and be completely open with his phone. He also needs to agree to counselling and prioritise spending time with you and rebuilding the trust in your relationship.

If that doesn't work for him then he will need to find somewhere else to stay after Christmas.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 21:45

Thanks for all the replies. For the people that are asking why I can’t see what’s going on, well I can but wanted to check I wasn’t overreacting. With the people telling me I was overreacting about the cinema I wanted to check I wasn’t with this. As well as the gaslighting from him over the last few weeks. I’m not really sure how I am going to carry on as normal over Christmas, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything I need to do.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 21:46

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 21:45

Thanks for all the replies. For the people that are asking why I can’t see what’s going on, well I can but wanted to check I wasn’t overreacting. With the people telling me I was overreacting about the cinema I wanted to check I wasn’t with this. As well as the gaslighting from him over the last few weeks. I’m not really sure how I am going to carry on as normal over Christmas, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything I need to do.

Why would you carry on as normal? You’re on my punishing yourself. Your husband isn’t holding off his inappropriate behaviour for you or your children - he can deal with the consequences. Have a beautiful Christmas with your children without having to feel sad looking at his lying face. Deal with this now. Ask to see his phone and if he won’t show it, he can leave. He’s proved he isnt trustworthy.

AnonAnonmystery · 15/12/2025 21:52

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 21:45

Thanks for all the replies. For the people that are asking why I can’t see what’s going on, well I can but wanted to check I wasn’t overreacting. With the people telling me I was overreacting about the cinema I wanted to check I wasn’t with this. As well as the gaslighting from him over the last few weeks. I’m not really sure how I am going to carry on as normal over Christmas, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything I need to do.

Dear @Anon1234567891 some of the posters on your old thread were gaslighting you as well. Please don’t doubt yourself.
Your husband is gaslighting you and love bombing you in equal measures so no wonder you need others to help you see the wood from the trees.
I hope this thread is helping you feel supported and sorry you are going through this x

Washingupdone · 15/12/2025 22:00

Personally, without getting everything sorted out, before you tackle him, would not be fair on your DC’s and your future. You need to know where you stand regarding their home and secure their future. See a solicitor asap and have a plan.
I speak from experience.

Namechangerage · 15/12/2025 22:15
  1. seek Legal advice and a plan for what happens if you have a divorce
  2. give him one last chance right there on the spot, to unlock his phone and let you look at his chat history with her.
  3. if he says no or tries to take his phone away first then you know.
Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 22:15

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I have male friends, we go to the cinema, if its to see something scary I may yell grab their arm.. we dont refer to them as dates. We dont discuss my underwear. (Tbh my male friends would be more likely to refer to it as a date or make a flirty innuendo to another guys as joke than me or any other female friend)

I do think it could just be banter.. but I also think its disrespectful. Its playing with fire when its flirty banter and he knows you feel insecure about it. Its not about whether hes done anything "wrong" its about the fact its hurting you and he isnt willing to address that.

Imo its fine for men and women to be friends it isnt fine to make time for that friend when they arent making time with their partner

timetostandup79 · 15/12/2025 22:37

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 21:45

Thanks for all the replies. For the people that are asking why I can’t see what’s going on, well I can but wanted to check I wasn’t overreacting. With the people telling me I was overreacting about the cinema I wanted to check I wasn’t with this. As well as the gaslighting from him over the last few weeks. I’m not really sure how I am going to carry on as normal over Christmas, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything I need to do.

The hardest part is admitting to yourself that what you have discovered is enough to make you know you deserve better. I'm so sorry OP, there is never a good time but this is a shit time of year for this to be coming to light. Once you admit to yourself, let those thoughts in, your strength will follow. Ask me how I know. Keep talking on here. Nearly 3 years ago, this place was a lifeline for me.

Trallers · 15/12/2025 22:37

I'd wait until after Christmas and do everything i could to stay busy and distracted. Then I'd tell him that I've seen the messages between them, that a line has been crossed. That you feel hurt but want to understand why he's let it get to this point. Then go from there based on how he responds.

timetostandup79 · 15/12/2025 22:39

Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 22:15

I have male friends, we go to the cinema, if its to see something scary I may yell grab their arm.. we dont refer to them as dates. We dont discuss my underwear. (Tbh my male friends would be more likely to refer to it as a date or make a flirty innuendo to another guys as joke than me or any other female friend)

I do think it could just be banter.. but I also think its disrespectful. Its playing with fire when its flirty banter and he knows you feel insecure about it. Its not about whether hes done anything "wrong" its about the fact its hurting you and he isnt willing to address that.

Imo its fine for men and women to be friends it isnt fine to make time for that friend when they arent making time with their partner

Show quote history

If my DP was messaging another woman in relation to sofa beds, dates and no underwear, I'm afraid that's the kind of banter he could do as a single man.

Missj25 · 15/12/2025 22:48

Newbutoldfather · 15/12/2025 10:09

I think it is hilarious that this is even up for discussion!

They are going on a date. He literally referred to it as that and knew that she would be ok with it. And no one talks to (just a) colleague about their underwear without knowing that they won’t get reported for harassment.

Exactly this .
Sorry OP , this isn’t banter between 2 work colleagues, it’s a lot more than that I’m afraid .
These are 2 people wildly flirting with one another & these two know each other pretty well out of the office .

HonoraBridge · 15/12/2025 22:52

Sorry, that is not friendly banter. That is really serious flirting.

Dollyflip · 15/12/2025 23:05

The longer you leave it the more entwined they will get. Demand to see his phone. I wouldn’t be able to wait all over Christmas!

Pallisers · 15/12/2025 23:11

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

It was about them wanting to shag each other - sorry.

How can anyone think this is friendly banter between workmates? How can anyone even think this is appropriate on a work phone between colleagues?

OP he is well on his way to shagging her if he isn't already. Do what you have to do but know that your husband is no longer your friend.

Doubledenim305 · 15/12/2025 23:14

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

Absolutely not. To be it's not even a gray area. If I ever found that on my husbands phone, it would be over.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 15/12/2025 23:15

Absolutely no point in blocking and deleting.
I put my life on it - they are in the throws of a full on physical affair.

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