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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 15/12/2025 18:55

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:51

Am I in the minority here also who think it’s totally odd going to the cinema with someone else when you’re married? Fine if there’s a few people or you say to your wife ‘do you want to come along’ but a married man and a random female co worker? Is that normal? And yes men and women can be friends, I have male friends but you won’t see me at cinema with them especially if they’re married!

Edited

I totally agree with you.

NoSoupForU · 15/12/2025 18:59

Honestly its all so dependent on specifics. I'd absolutely say those things and receive messages like that, but that would be the case for any friend male, female or otherwise. And it wouldn't be hidden.

If I had a personality transplant and became inclined to pursue something inappropriate with a work colleague I couldn't imagine using my work teams to do it. But I guess some people are that stupid.

runningonberocca · 15/12/2025 18:59

Nope - not normal . I’ve several good male friends I know through work. I’d meet up with them socially one to one etc. Not once have they ever mentioned my knickers or referred to booking a double bed - even jokingly. If they had it would make me too uncomfortable to meet u with them ..
If nothing physical has happened yet it sounds like they are both leading up to it.
FFS - has she no one else to go to the cinema with?!!!

BrightMintTea · 15/12/2025 19:04

That’s not normal work banter. “First date”, underwear comments and heart eyes emojis cross a line, and the fact he got defensive and wouldn’t show you messages is a massive red flag. You’re not wrong to feel uncomfortable, trust isn’t something you’re obliged to give when the behaviour doesn’t match the reassurance.

BluTangClan · 15/12/2025 19:14

Can you ask someone to keep an eye on them during one of their cinema trips?

Franpie · 15/12/2025 19:17

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:51

Am I in the minority here also who think it’s totally odd going to the cinema with someone else when you’re married? Fine if there’s a few people or you say to your wife ‘do you want to come along’ but a married man and a random female co worker? Is that normal? And yes men and women can be friends, I have male friends but you won’t see me at cinema with them especially if they’re married!

Edited

Completely agree and said similar upthread.

There’s something weirdly more intimate about going to the cinema together. And I say that as someone who has quite a few male friends who I would go for a drink with but the cinema? Definitely no.

Tuesdayschild50 · 15/12/2025 19:18

Lie down beds and talk of wearing underwear ... as hard and upsetting as this is for you .
The messages are telling you there is much more to this than friends surely you can see this op x

Howwilliknow122 · 15/12/2025 19:23

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

So much i could say in response to your post but I just dont want a telling off from mumsnet.

MummyWillow1 · 15/12/2025 19:31

The underwear comment and the date thing is weird. But other than that the messages between me and my (male) manager are similarly relaxed. I’m an informal person and have no qualms about winding him up or teasing him - he does the same to me. Work is boring if you can’t have a bit of a laugh.

The cinema thing is weird though. We don’t socialise outside of work unless it is a work thing, and even then it has to be a team thing and not just us (even though we are the only ones of the team of 10 based in our part of the country).

mateusrose678 · 15/12/2025 19:33

My OH is always asking to use my phone because he has no charge and needs to make a call. You could try that and then have a quick look. His reaction to your request might also be illuminating.

Mumof2heroes · 15/12/2025 19:33

Absolutely not appropriate. I know for a fact my husband would not send these messages to another woman or go on 'dates' either. He's taking you for a mug. Please leave now this man doesn't respect you. I'm so so sorry OP.

CommonAsMucklowe · 15/12/2025 19:35

I was a married woman once upon a time and told my then husband I had a male friend and we were just friends going to the cinema, pubs etc. He believed me. I was lying, I was having an affair with this man who was also married but worked away from home during the week.
I think your husband is also using this "just good friends" ruse. A man and woman CAN be friends but those text messages certainly suggest otherwise.

MeridianB · 15/12/2025 19:40

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:51

Am I in the minority here also who think it’s totally odd going to the cinema with someone else when you’re married? Fine if there’s a few people or you say to your wife ‘do you want to come along’ but a married man and a random female co worker? Is that normal? And yes men and women can be friends, I have male friends but you won’t see me at cinema with them especially if they’re married!

Edited

This. It was the first big boundary and gave them the green light to keep ‘dating’.

You should ask him to stop these trips because they bother you. He should respect your wishes and if he doesn’t and trots out the script about how YOU are the unreasonable one then you have your answer.

toiletpaperthief · 15/12/2025 19:40

The conversation is completely innapropiate and the fact he doesn't want to show you his phone tells you all you need to know, and no, I have nothing against going to the movies with a friend when you're married, however if there's a "spicy"conversation regarding sofa bed and no underwear with heart emojis that has more red flags than a commie parade. Would you discuss wearing no underwear to a male friend when going to a movie and insert heart emojis?

jenny38 · 15/12/2025 19:50

I think the crux to this is on his phone. Is it a pin or a fingerprint. If its a pin, send something legit like a funny meme or a pic to him, whilst you are sat side by side, watch him open it with pin.
Or take more direct approach. I can guarantee if I accused my husband , he might be annoyed, but he would hand over his phone. Possibly with a heavy dose of sarcasm, but he would give it. You will only get one shot at this though, as he will delete. If he refuses, then something going on that he doesn't want you to know about.

StripedVase · 15/12/2025 19:51

You don't have to let him know you read the messages, only that you're seriously uncomfortable with him repeatedly hanging out with her one on one, which he knows full well you're right to be. You're his wife and even if it was innocent, which it clearly isn't!, your feelings should be his priority!
I'd absolutely go to the cinema with a male friend but if there was any flirting, let alone clear sexual talk, I would know I was doing wrong. He does too!

PapaSatanicus · 15/12/2025 19:54

OP, I’m pretty sure you know you are worth more than this “DH”, he is not behaving like a married man, so make him an unmarried one.

InstinctD · 15/12/2025 19:58

This, definitely do this ☝️ his reaction will tell you everything. I lose my phone all the time and need DH’s phone to do ‘find my’, also like this poster said to get family photos.

InstinctD · 15/12/2025 19:59

MustWeDoThis · 15/12/2025 18:36

Men and women can be friends, but you're looking for something else here.

If nothing is going on, he wouldn't be worried about showing you his phone. Defensive reactions are a massive red flag. Why do you not know his PIN? There shouldn't be secrets.

Maybe ask to borrow his phone so you can use the 'Find my phone app', because you have lost yours, or you want to make a photo album and send some photos from his phone. If he doesn't hand you the phone there and then- Then you'll know. Watch for the anxious reaction to set in,potential stuttering, faining being clueless, weaponised incompetence etc. Then ask him what the problem is and why can you not borrow his phone for a few seconds to find yours.

Or be honest, sit him down, tell him he either allows you to look so you can settle your worries and fears, and if he dismisses you as paranoid..then he's a gaslighting cheat.

Show quote history

Sorry it lost the quote, was quoting this poster ☝️

2021x · 15/12/2025 20:02

Take the work thing out of it.

  1. He is hanging out alone with another woman socially
  2. He has mentioned a "date"
  3. He has asked her about her underwear (on a work phone which could be used against him)

I would be putting in a boundary about what behaviour you will accept as respectful. Judging by your emotional response it sounds like he is crossing a line.

Peachperfect · 15/12/2025 20:03

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Absolutely no, no, NO! He is seeing what he can get away with. My husband has been doing the same to me and gas lighting me for years, he now has found someone that wants him and he has buggered off (i believed him because he said all the same things to me). You're right to trust your instincts. I should've trusted mine.

Zov · 15/12/2025 20:10

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:51

Am I in the minority here also who think it’s totally odd going to the cinema with someone else when you’re married? Fine if there’s a few people or you say to your wife ‘do you want to come along’ but a married man and a random female co worker? Is that normal? And yes men and women can be friends, I have male friends but you won’t see me at cinema with them especially if they’re married!

Edited

If they were friends before he met his wife, then I don't think it's totally mad for a married man to go to the cinema with a female friend, if it's something his wife isn't interested in for example. (And the wife knows this female friend..) But to be going with a new female colleague - especially if his wife has never met her - is odd IMO.

I remember my DH wanted to go and see a certain film I was not interested in (about 8 years ago,) and when he mentioned he was going to go on his own, one of his female colleagues who I had never met (she'd only worked at his place for 4 months) said she would go with him. She even offered to order the tickets online for them both. DH was like 'errr, Confused well...' and she said 'which showing shall we go to?'

At that point he said 'no it's all right ta... I'm fine going alone...' She seemed butthurt and offended. She said 'oh will wifey not like it?' DH was like Confused Fucking weirdo she was. He said 'nothing to do with her, it's just a bit weird to go with a colleague I barely know.'

So DH wasn't comfortable with it himself. And no way would I have liked it.

Then again, he wouldn't like it if I went out to the cinema with a pushy male colleague who he didn't know...

Any woman/wife who thinks it's out of order for their husband to go out on an evening to the cinema is not acceptable, has every right to think that though. Again, I can't imagine many men being too chuffed if it was their wife and another man. There's something quite intimate about being in the cinema... as several posters have said.

NNforthispost · 15/12/2025 20:11

Whilst I’ve sent plenty of msgs to make and female colleagues telling them I think they’re amazing or brilliant I’d not be mentioning undies or lack thereof. That’s a step too far. I would be suspicious that it was on the cusp of a physical affair. If it hasn’t gone there already.

CandyCaneKisses · 15/12/2025 20:12

He’s already shagging her by the sounds of it.

strange25 · 15/12/2025 20:13

Zov · 15/12/2025 20:10

If they were friends before he met his wife, then I don't think it's totally mad for a married man to go to the cinema with a female friend, if it's something his wife isn't interested in for example. (And the wife knows this female friend..) But to be going with a new female colleague - especially if his wife has never met her - is odd IMO.

I remember my DH wanted to go and see a certain film I was not interested in (about 8 years ago,) and when he mentioned he was going to go on his own, one of his female colleagues who I had never met (she'd only worked at his place for 4 months) said she would go with him. She even offered to order the tickets online for them both. DH was like 'errr, Confused well...' and she said 'which showing shall we go to?'

At that point he said 'no it's all right ta... I'm fine going alone...' She seemed butthurt and offended. She said 'oh will wifey not like it?' DH was like Confused Fucking weirdo she was. He said 'nothing to do with her, it's just a bit weird to go with a colleague I barely know.'

So DH wasn't comfortable with it himself. And no way would I have liked it.

Then again, he wouldn't like it if I went out to the cinema with a pushy male colleague who he didn't know...

Any woman/wife who thinks it's out of order for their husband to go out on an evening to the cinema is not acceptable, has every right to think that though. Again, I can't imagine many men being too chuffed if it was their wife and another man. There's something quite intimate about being in the cinema... as several posters have said.

Show quote history

Agreed. I’m not huge on the cinema but something about it seems odd. Bet it’s not 70 year old Barbara from accounts he’s going with!