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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
MissyMooPoo2 · 15/12/2025 17:23

Homegrownberries · 15/12/2025 17:22

They're having an affair.

Friendly colleagues don't joke about not wearing underwear.

“This time”

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/12/2025 17:34

He’s taking the piss OP and embarking on an affair in full view.

That’s not “banter”. That’s flirting and if they’re not sleeping together, they’re going to.

The disrespect!

Stucknstoopit · 15/12/2025 17:41

I hate the word ‘banter’ in the way it’s evolved over the last few years. It generally doesn’t mean anything good, usually banter means someone is being hurt or offended or bullied and banter is used to make it sound innocent and innocuous when usually it’s anything but.

if that was two single workmates messaging each other I would say they’ve either had sex or they’re about to, and they’re not hurting anyone, they’re both single adults etc, but when one of them is married, the conversation is no longer harmless flirtation and I would be really upset if I read those messages between my partner and a work colleague and I would presume they’ve either had sex or they’re about to.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 15/12/2025 18:01

You're being made an utter mug of, OP. And you won't ruin Christmas, these are his actions and solely on him. If DH messaged a work colleague like that, he'd be gone. You need to respect yourself more than you need to be a happy family pretending everything is OK for one day of the year. How on earth can you even be in the same room as him knowing he's lying like this?

SatsumaDog · 15/12/2025 18:08

Completely unacceptable. Those messages are not ‘banter’. They are of a sexual nature and a sign there is more going on here than a friendship. I wouldn’t even give him an ultimatum. He would be out and before Christmas.

Leftsidefacing · 15/12/2025 18:11

firstofallimadelight · 15/12/2025 16:37

I mean it’s definitely flirty banter but he could be saying imagine using a cinema bed on a first date rather than referring to them. And the underwear joke could relate to some inside joke about her but not related to him. Or they could be sleeping together.
you need to decide if this is acceptable (based on what you know) and if it is not then end it.

All this ‘jokey’ stuff about sofa beds and no knickers is him starting up the sex talk to see if she’s ready for having sex with him if she’s not already. If they are already having sex these messages wouldn’t be ‘necessary’… Either way they seem very childish, not to mention risky on a work messaging platform.

I can’t see any way it could be innocent.

Izzywizzy85 · 15/12/2025 18:11

I consider myself really laid back but fucking hell op!! If he isn’t shagging her yet he’s trying his best.
If this was “work place banter” there would be similar messages to loads of his colleagues. I bet there isn’t.

Izzywizzy85 · 15/12/2025 18:12

OP what were her replies like?

Timelineuk · 15/12/2025 18:17

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

I’ve never told a friend we could have got sofa reclining seat! And the underwear comment! Come on! This isn’t friendly banter

HelloDaisy · 15/12/2025 18:21

Certainly not friendly “banter”, I can’t imagine any situation where my dh would have the same conversation with anyone! They are definitely heading to a full blown affair if not there already.

How would he react if you suggested joining them at the cinema?

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 18:27

Izzywizzy85 · 15/12/2025 18:12

OP what were her replies like?

Mostly laughing emoji’s but she said “spoil sport” to the underwear comment

OP posts:
Danni364 · 15/12/2025 18:32

I have tonnes of male friends and would never ever converse with them in this way 😅 they're clearly flirting, if nothing else.

MustWeDoThis · 15/12/2025 18:36

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Men and women can be friends, but you're looking for something else here.

If nothing is going on, he wouldn't be worried about showing you his phone. Defensive reactions are a massive red flag. Why do you not know his PIN? There shouldn't be secrets.

Maybe ask to borrow his phone so you can use the 'Find my phone app', because you have lost yours, or you want to make a photo album and send some photos from his phone. If he doesn't hand you the phone there and then- Then you'll know. Watch for the anxious reaction to set in,potential stuttering, faining being clueless, weaponised incompetence etc. Then ask him what the problem is and why can you not borrow his phone for a few seconds to find yours.

Or be honest, sit him down, tell him he either allows you to look so you can settle your worries and fears, and if he dismisses you as paranoid..then he's a gaslighting cheat.

RealEagle · 15/12/2025 18:39

I read your other thread regarding this .Are you sure he is at his hobby?

PeopleTheyAintNoGood · 15/12/2025 18:39

Just look him in the eye and ask him if his date did wear any knickers.

TheHillIsMine · 15/12/2025 18:40

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:08

The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then. He comes home at lunch time, isn’t back late from work. Even the cinema trips are only every few months.
I do think it’s more than friends though and could be trying to head in the direction of something more. He was also put out when I wanted him to come on a family day out instead of a work outing that she would be on.

They find a way. Mine went in early for a deal, left late, had to stay out for a genuine previous reason, left work early.

No way is any of those messages banter. Come on.

Tell him today you know everything so if he wants any chance if staying married to you he tells you all tonight or he is out.

But I doubt you will.

Chloebeeps · 15/12/2025 18:41

When on the night out with the Colleague/OW were you not tempted
to lean in close and ask if she was wearing crotchless knickers or knickerless and see her reaction?

I suggest you tell cheating H as things are not working out between the 2 of you that he leaves. No great debate, no drama - simply he is not making you happy. Ball in his court & you are taking control.

Alittlefrustrated · 15/12/2025 18:44

It could still be banter OP - the "first date" comment sounds like a joke to me. However, it is no longer appropriate to have this sort of banter (the underwear comment) on a work phone , with a colleague.He could get himself, however innocently, into hot water. I also think it's disrespectful to you.
Personally, I wouldn't go to the cinema with a married male colleague. I wouldn't expect my DH to go with a female colleague, and I wouldn't like him to engage in these sort of messages.
It's very difficult - he could be having a laugh, having an affair, or testing the waters.
None of them are acceptable to me.

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:45

This is not ok, I have been in a similar position and it will eat at you, make you feel insecure and you’ll lose your self worth. I’m a firm believer of if something feels off it usually is. How would he feel if you started going on cinema dates with a man? Let alone those kind of messages. I love banter but I would be mortified if anyone from my place of work was sending me messages like that!

Hedgehogbrown · 15/12/2025 18:47

Why are you even asking us? You know your husband and you know weather or not it's inappropriate. You already acted jealous and searched his phone, so you don't trust him. It's over for that reason alone. This is not a healthy relationship. You are trying I prove that this means men an women can't be friends. Well I was a person who said ry could in the last message. Men a men women can be friends, unless they are a man who fucks around and can't be trusted that is. Th two things re different.

Would I be bothered if my partner went to the cinema with a woman? No. He does things with women all the time. Would my partner send texts like that? No.

Hellohelga · 15/12/2025 18:47

I’d be telling DH that if he went to the cinema again with this woman his bag would be packed when he got home.

thechampselysee · 15/12/2025 18:48

at best this is a mutual flirtation/icky/inappropriate relationship and at worst he is sexually harassing a colleague.

Mrswhiskers87 · 15/12/2025 18:49

If a man at work - even if they were a friend - ever commented on me not wearing underwear I’d report him and cut contact. I can only assume they’re not just friends.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/12/2025 18:49

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Are you having a laugh ??!!

strange25 · 15/12/2025 18:51

Am I in the minority here also who think it’s totally odd going to the cinema with someone else when you’re married? Fine if there’s a few people or you say to your wife ‘do you want to come along’ but a married man and a random female co worker? Is that normal? And yes men and women can be friends, I have male friends but you won’t see me at cinema with them especially if they’re married!