Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
Alovelyhotbath · 15/12/2025 16:24

I can't imagine any of my male colleagues joking to me about making sure I wear underwear. I think you know what is going on here.

OkWinifred · 15/12/2025 16:25

Sorry I think you’re being gaslit.
Personally, I would take action in the new year.
I hope it all works out well 💐

GreyBeeplus3 · 15/12/2025 16:30

An affair waiting to happen if it hasn't already
Banter is a word I really dislike because things inappropriate are said under the guise of a joke with a jagged edge to it
Those messages aren't a joke
They're totally inappropriate
Tell me
If the shoe was on the other foot
What would he think, then do?
Willing to bet amongst their work peers she's seen as his 'work wife'
Ask him about how works going to see what he says and ask will there be an office xmas party this year............

mumuseli · 15/12/2025 16:30

He’s doing it at the very least for the thrill of it.
Obviously, it’s up to you, OP, whether you tell him or not that you’ve looked at his work phone. I like the idea that someone suggested about confronting him by just saying you’ve “heard” that there is something dodgy going on, and therefore want to see his phone(s). That way if he still denies all, then if you eventually tell/show him your evidence, he will have to admit that he has lied.
it is really disrespectful of her and him, and I imagine they are caught up in the excitement of the flirting. Sometimes people do this without it becoming physical, but of course it is still far from appropriate.
I’m sorry that you’ve got to deal with this. x

wizzywig · 15/12/2025 16:30

Oh please is it normal for you to have sex innuendo chats to male friends. No it isnt!
Go tell him you want to go to x cinema as youve heard theyve got double beds. The dick. And hes an idiot for using a work phone for such conversations

XiCi · 15/12/2025 16:31

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Friendly banter between friends? Telling her to wear knickers this time because the seats recline higher. Oh dont be so fucking stupid

Bookgeek1 · 15/12/2025 16:31

So sorry this is happening to you. My (now) ex partner had been messaging with her male colleague about bikini waxes and thong bikinis. Final straw. He insisted it was fine as they were ‘just friends’ 🙄 apart from anything else it was so naff and just icky and disrespectful.

Mrswhiskers87 · 15/12/2025 16:31

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

this must be the OP’s husband or the other woman

chunkyBoo · 15/12/2025 16:32

That sounds more than banter, could the hobby be still going on? Is she attached?

ifyoulikechocolate · 15/12/2025 16:34

Mrswhiskers87 · 15/12/2025 16:31

this must be the OP’s husband or the other woman

Show quote history

Or a man.

Zov · 15/12/2025 16:36

There are a few posters on here that are coming across as a man.

firstofallimadelight · 15/12/2025 16:37

I mean it’s definitely flirty banter but he could be saying imagine using a cinema bed on a first date rather than referring to them. And the underwear joke could relate to some inside joke about her but not related to him. Or they could be sleeping together.
you need to decide if this is acceptable (based on what you know) and if it is not then end it.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2025 16:37

A male colleague talking about a female' s underwear is reportable to HR ...or they having an affair. It is not "banter".
Does he mention your ubderwear op when you arrange a night out? Is this his style? Is it yours?

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 16:38

I remember your previous thread.

It sounds like he's having a full blown affair. He takes her on dates when he doesn't bother with you, he helped her move when he doesn't bother to support you, he hid a Viagra purchase from you. Their work communication is wildly unprofessional, I would imagine his phone is worse.

Get a lawyer consult and copies of all credit statements and financials and keep those outside the home in a safe place. I'd have divorce docs drawn up and ready to go. Think about what you want for custody and co-parenting.

XiCi · 15/12/2025 16:38

Im sorry OP but I think it's pretty clear from those messages that he is fucking her. And those are their work messages, can you imagine what their private ones are like!! To be honest he would have been gone the moment he refused to show the messages between them as it was clear from that point that your judgement was correct and it wasn't platonic. He's a horror. The type of man that goes on cinema dates with other women while his wife and kids are at home isn't worth shit

LaneCaneCandy · 15/12/2025 16:45

They are both playing with fire, These messages are on Teams where management can see them using a work product. Where I used to work that would be a meeting with management to explain how completely inappropriate those messages are between colleagues never mind a married colleague.

Talk of underwear and beds is not banter. It is massively overstepping boundaries and he is lapping it up with a soup ladle.

I would get Christmas out of the way unless he is about to go to a Christmas office party and tell him that management can see all his Teams messages and is there anything he wants to tell you? He could lose his job over it. Is that what he is willing to risk? Not to mention tanking his marriage.

DrBlackbird · 15/12/2025 17:04

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Are you the colleague or the “D’H? Friendly banter. Lol.

Crinkle77 · 15/12/2025 17:07

I am friendly with a male work colleague. Go for smokes together and the odd pint after work. We've never joked about being on a date or talked about underwear.

Omgblueskys · 15/12/2025 17:09

Wow op, what will you do, you don't need to check other phone as you have already the evidence anyway

AnonAnonmystery · 15/12/2025 17:12

I was on your first post. They are more than friends, very likely intimate with each other.

Clementine183 · 15/12/2025 17:13

When I read the "first date" message I thought it was the sort of thing that could potentially be ironic/deadpan if that's his sense of humour. The underwear one though... no. And her reaction to it doesn't sound exactly outraged either. At the very least they're flirting and hanging out outside of work in a way that could lead to more. Clearly it's not appropriate and if I were you I'd probably just tell him I'd seen the messages and watch his reaction. Anything short of full acceptance that he'd crossed a line and I'd be done. Even if he did accept it, I'd find it hard to trust him going forward.

Climbingrosexx · 15/12/2025 17:19

They basically sound like they are dating and doing it right under your nose OP. I understand you really don't want it to be true, I have been there so no judgement from me but it's time you put a stop to this one way or another.

There is no shame in wanting to save your marriage but don't do it at the expense of your own dignity and self worth. How 2 people could be going to the cinema on a regular basis like this and think it's ok is beyond me. You have been very tolerant OP but surely you can see enough is enough.

Homegrownberries · 15/12/2025 17:22

They're having an affair.

Friendly colleagues don't joke about not wearing underwear.

ProfessionalPirate · 15/12/2025 17:23

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

God you’re either stupid or naive. Or both.

MissyMooPoo2 · 15/12/2025 17:23

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

No, this is NOT friendly banter.

Swipe left for the next trending thread