Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is angry because I wont tell him my Bodycount

503 replies

northern2025 · 12/12/2025 21:57

He has repeatedly asked me and I haven’t answered him but now he has sat me down and said think carefully exactly what you say and wanted me to talk about my sec life since I was a teen, when I am mid forties now
I have been single for quite a bit of this time and had several short term relationships
he is making me feel anxious and isn’t speaking to me now as thinks I can’t be trusted

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
CaptainMyCaptain · 13/12/2025 17:15

Owly11 · 13/12/2025 13:21

I also would be suspicious of a partner who didn't want to talk about their past relationships and it would be a red flag for me.

Why?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/12/2025 17:56

SillyJilly2020 · 13/12/2025 16:06

From everything op has said since then yes I do. At the start it seemed to me like he was getting annoyed that she was keeping things from him.

Show quote history

Even if she were, that would be her right. You are not required to bare all in your relationship. People are entitled to both their pasts and their privacy.

Your comments on this thread are honestly genuinely worrying.

ThorsRaven · 13/12/2025 18:56

northern2025 · 13/12/2025 15:01

I do read the comments and they help, I often went back and read the kind support comments to try and make myself feel better
even the harsh ones I appreciate
I think I am scared of having no one there at all, and in parts we have had a nice time and I kept hoping it would get better
thankfully we don’t live together and I am arranging a network to help me with my dog
she is fantastic and I can’t regret the relationship as it has led me to having the most perfect furry angel in my life
I can’t keep on like this though because he has become so unpleasant
he also sent me a message saying we need to take a break as he has reservations about certain things
I haven’t replied and I don’t plan to

You might be best to not reply.

But make sure you change the locks this week. He's demonstrated that he has no respect for your boundaries and it's very likely he'll let himself in if you don't respond how he wants or expects (begging to be taken back).

Give a spare key to a friend or relative who lives nearby in case of emergencies, delays or you lose your key.

And make sure you block him in every way you can - phone, email, etc.

If you get on with your neighbours, let them know that you might have some trouble with him so they can keep an eye out and warn you if they see him.

Good luck OP. I know it's hard to leave, but it really is better on the other side.

Delphinium20 · 13/12/2025 19:38

What an awful, awful human being he is! Unless his entire personality changes, I hope no woman goes near him with a barge pole.

You will feel immense relief in a short time once you're truly free of him.

As an aside, I'd think it rather weird and/or sad to hit the age of 40 or 50 and not have had much sex. If you're single, having sex with different people is a normal part of dating. Any man who thinks a woman should be virginal at age 40 is a bore and has a very unhealthy image of women as full human beings.

ILoveLaLaLand · 13/12/2025 20:35

Tell him that he's the only one you've been with.
All the others were 9 or 10s.
And then ditch him.
He's toxic.

Mich1986 · 13/12/2025 21:21

Surely just lie? It’s none of his business, but also how will he know for sure the number anyway. Lie!

FluentAquaMoose · 13/12/2025 21:45

northern2025 · 12/12/2025 22:05

Because he will judge me and I will have to explain each and every one

You need out lovely. To be honest, I’d tell him, then tell him it’s over as you shouldn’t be treated like that. It’s controlling, cohersive behaviour for him to demand to be told.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/12/2025 22:01

I actually would reply to that one:

'You're right, this isn't working, it's over. Please don't contact me again'.

THEN ignore him from then on. You've then made it clear, if he does contact you again you can take that to the police if necessary, if it gets excessive as you've clearly asked him not to.

Sodthesystem · 13/12/2025 22:05

I'd actually just reply with a 👍 and then block him as soon as he saw it.

He's not actually trying to break up. It's an abuser tactic to scare you into kissing his arse.
Hell shite himself if you aren't fussed. And that would warm my soul lol.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 13/12/2025 23:06

he also sent me a message saying we need to take a break as he has reservations about certain things

Just say you agree, you need to take a permanent break. Block him on everything. If the house is in your name, change the locks.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 13/12/2025 23:44

Split up. He’s clearly messed up in the head and thinks he has a) a right to all of this information b) the right to judge you for your answers.

Even if you tell him… he’ll just accuse you of lying.

JFDIYOLO · 14/12/2025 00:35

The bit about screaming when you woke up to find him standing in your house was like a scene from a horror film.

First thing tomorrow morning get the locks to your house changed.

You are in danger. Do you see this yet?

His message about taking a break wasn't asking for a break, of course - it was a threat, designed to frighten you into panicking, begging, getting frantic with squirming anxiety so you'll say and do anything to 'get him back'. It was 100% a coercive controller move.

This is your chance. Your get-out. Grab this opportunity for freedom and peace of mind and the chance for a happy 2026:

Send a polite email (not text) reply saying 'In response to your message - yes, you're right, and I agree with you.

This relationship isn't working for me, either. I don't enjoy it and won't be continuing with it any longer. Time to call it a day.

Thank-you for the time we've spent together, and wishing you all the best for the future.

Please do not contact or approach me again'. (It's important to include that instruction in writing, in case you need to prove you were clear).

If any of his things are left at your home, add 'I'll package up your things and have them sent to you.' Don't agree to him coming round to collect them - you'll be vulnerable.

Ensure you and your dog are away from home when you send it - women and pets can be in danger when they slip away from an abuser's control. Can you go stay with family or friends?

This article on coercive control (which is a crime) may be an eye opener:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/if-love-could-kill/202409/coercive-control-gaslighting-and-recovery

Coercive Control, Gaslighting, and Recovery

The term gaslighting refers to a pattern of manipulation and control in which an abuser successfully convinces their victim that they are insane. It has devastating consequences.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/if-love-could-kill/202409/coercive-control-gaslighting-and-recovery

blacksax · 14/12/2025 00:40

PithyTaupeWriter · 13/12/2025 16:01

He’s wanting her to beg him to reconsider. I’d just ignore him (and change the locks)

Show quote history

Yeah, I know. Her telling him that she also wants a break from him will not be what he's expecting. It puts him on the back foot.

Pryceosh1987 · 14/12/2025 02:15

I would say to him i can show you alot better than i can tell you, and get buck wild with him. But that is me, i think the past should remain in the past. It is never a good idea to bring the past, even if it was good times.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 14/12/2025 02:38

After getting your locks changed, I'd text him a high number of lovers just for the satisfaction of seeing him explode. 🤣 When he does, use that as the reason to break up with him. Do it all over text. I don't think you should see him in person again.

Suburbanqueen · 14/12/2025 02:49

Make up a ridiculously high number and tell him he doesn't measure up. What a knob.

StarlightLady · 14/12/2025 07:54

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 14/12/2025 02:38

After getting your locks changed, I'd text him a high number of lovers just for the satisfaction of seeing him explode. 🤣 When he does, use that as the reason to break up with him. Do it all over text. I don't think you should see him in person again.

This!

…and then add to it “your own lack of experience, clearly shows”.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 14/12/2025 08:03
  • Don’t play games!
  • Text him the relationship is over and to not contact you again.
  • Change the locks and go away for a few days.
  • Mute all communication from him (but keep in case you need evidence of harassment).
  • Do a Clares Law disclosure.

Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time and you don’t know how he will respond. So hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 14/12/2025 08:07

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 14/12/2025 02:38

After getting your locks changed, I'd text him a high number of lovers just for the satisfaction of seeing him explode. 🤣 When he does, use that as the reason to break up with him. Do it all over text. I don't think you should see him in person again.

Watch him explode! This is an abusive, controlling man. Making him explode could be incredibly dangerous for the OP. He could well turn violent or could he could ramp up the harassment and bullying and make her life a misery that way.

It is fun to say, safe on a keyboard away from the situation but not safe when someone is trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Squirrelchops1 · 14/12/2025 08:19

JFDIYOLO · 14/12/2025 00:35

The bit about screaming when you woke up to find him standing in your house was like a scene from a horror film.

First thing tomorrow morning get the locks to your house changed.

You are in danger. Do you see this yet?

His message about taking a break wasn't asking for a break, of course - it was a threat, designed to frighten you into panicking, begging, getting frantic with squirming anxiety so you'll say and do anything to 'get him back'. It was 100% a coercive controller move.

This is your chance. Your get-out. Grab this opportunity for freedom and peace of mind and the chance for a happy 2026:

Send a polite email (not text) reply saying 'In response to your message - yes, you're right, and I agree with you.

This relationship isn't working for me, either. I don't enjoy it and won't be continuing with it any longer. Time to call it a day.

Thank-you for the time we've spent together, and wishing you all the best for the future.

Please do not contact or approach me again'. (It's important to include that instruction in writing, in case you need to prove you were clear).

If any of his things are left at your home, add 'I'll package up your things and have them sent to you.' Don't agree to him coming round to collect them - you'll be vulnerable.

Ensure you and your dog are away from home when you send it - women and pets can be in danger when they slip away from an abuser's control. Can you go stay with family or friends?

This article on coercive control (which is a crime) may be an eye opener:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/if-love-could-kill/202409/coercive-control-gaslighting-and-recovery

I absolutely agree with you 100%.
His 'this isn't working out' was a test. He wants to see what you'll do and is expecting you to run back begging.
As said, now is a dangerous time as he will be on the back foot and he will not respond well to this.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 14/12/2025 08:23

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 14/12/2025 08:07

Watch him explode! This is an abusive, controlling man. Making him explode could be incredibly dangerous for the OP. He could well turn violent or could he could ramp up the harassment and bullying and make her life a misery that way.

It is fun to say, safe on a keyboard away from the situation but not safe when someone is trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Show quote history

She doesn't live with him, although he has a key. If she changes the locks, what can he do? This is why I said she should do it over text and never see him again. If he turns up at hers, obviously she wouldn't let him in, and if he rants and raves just call the police.

Original poster
northern2025 · 14/12/2025 08:54

Thank you again for the continued support and encouragement
I absolutely feel in a much better place than I was in June. I feel so much better in myself, I have been waking up the last few weeks feeling anxious but slept well the last couple of nights.
I have a very supportive workplace and good and kind colleagues to help me
I haven’t replied to him yet but I will telling him I agree.
I don’t have any concerns he will turn violent or aggressive, he is more into coldly sulking, but if he did I have plenty of support in real life in relation to that part.
This isn’t how I want 2026 to be, I want to buy a leopard print coat and wear bright red boots with matching lipstick which I know he would have not liked.
I have nice things planned this week, and a short break at the end just before Christmas.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for everyone who took the time to post, and the patience and kindness that has been given.

mumsnet is a fantastic place

OP posts:
PithyTaupeWriter · 14/12/2025 09:49

Yay OP, what a great update to read! Onwards and upwards. Please keep us all posted, we’re all rooting for you!

AngelicKaty · 14/12/2025 09:51

@northern2025 It's great to read your update OP, but please don't text him to say you "agree" to his proposal that you "take a break'. Merely agreeing allows him to retain control but you need to take control of this situation and of your life. Please message him something like "No, not a 'break'. I want to end our relationship. Don't contact me again, we're done." No explanation, no elaboration, nothing for him to latch on to and come back at you about - just a clear and unequivocal end. And then block him so you don't have to read any more of his nasty BS. It's absolutely clear that he isn't really intending to break up with you (a "break" is temporary, not permanent) but in texting you that, he fully expects you to crumble and go crawling back to him - it's such an obvious power play and yet another example of his odious controlling nature. Please show him that he does NOT get to dictate how this goes. YOU do.
Then set up a shopping date with a friend for that coat and boots - what about these beauties: https://duoboots.com/products/freya-red-leather?variant=41572912398438&currency=GBP&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20457086798&gclid=CjwKCAiA3fnJBhAgEiwAyqmY5c60X4cRJTCB82yqGc3msezfAFDv6qj4jnsU1xOU2VwbRE1Lg-OWJxoCYBAQAvD_BwE
I sincerely wish you a FABULOUS 2026 OP - full of all the opportunities that you've been deprived of for the last five years. 🤗

Freya Red Leather Knee High Stiletto Boots | DuoBoots

Freya is balanced on a stiletto heel, with a pointed toe. Supple red calf leather is lined in black nylon and finished with an internal stretch panel.

https://duoboots.com/products/freya-red-leather?currency=GBP&gad_campaignid=20457086798&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA3fnJBhAgEiwAyqmY5c60X4cRJTCB82yqGc3msezfAFDv6qj4jnsU1xOU2VwbRE1Lg-OWJxoCYBAQAvD_BwE&variant=41572912398438

JFDIYOLO · 14/12/2025 10:38

Brilliant update! Buy the coat and the boots and the lippie. Go to the parties. Arrange the girls' day/night out. Have fun with your dog. Go into 2026 lighter, calmer, happier.

Swipe left for the next trending thread