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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is angry because I wont tell him my Bodycount

503 replies

northern2025 · 12/12/2025 21:57

He has repeatedly asked me and I haven’t answered him but now he has sat me down and said think carefully exactly what you say and wanted me to talk about my sec life since I was a teen, when I am mid forties now
I have been single for quite a bit of this time and had several short term relationships
he is making me feel anxious and isn’t speaking to me now as thinks I can’t be trusted

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Echobelly · 13/12/2025 13:37

If he actually used the word 'bodycount' that is a reason to leave him the and there. But yes, this insistence on asking, and the fact that you clearly don't feel psychologically safe to tell him also says you should leave him.

PithyTaupeWriter · 13/12/2025 13:37

northern2025 · 13/12/2025 08:47

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this and the last post. I don’t know why I didn’t get out before but I feel differently now, because he has become so irrational, and unpleasant.
I have no intention to speak to him, which is very unlike how I have been in the past
I am working this weekend anyway and I have plans for the rest of the week
I think that’s why he has become even worse is because I am going out more than I used to
I have told my sister about him and my friends
I can’t keep on like this, I am going to have a peaceful day and take the dog to the beach I think after work

You go girl! Keep filling up your spare time with nice things to do so there is no room for
him. You deserve to live a peaceful life without this abuse. Stick to your guns, you will be so glad you did. Imagine a lovely Christmas and new year break without someone abusing you and getting you down.

blueumbrella2016 · 13/12/2025 13:37

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 13/12/2025 00:09

Respecting your partner's privacy about aspects of their past that have zero effect on you is important in a relationship.

"When was your last STI screen and what was the result?" is a legitimate question. "How many men have you shagged?" is not.

Show quote history

Okay let's turn this around then - let's say she asks him 'have you ever been to a prostitute?' and he tells her that's none of her business; would that be acceptable to her? Somehow I think not.

SnoopyPajamas · 13/12/2025 13:39

northern2025 · 12/12/2025 22:14

I think he has worn me down with his poor behaviour as he has been banging on about this for months
Says he no longer loves me as I think he is an idiot as I told him I hadn’t been that promiscuous
sends me Facebook reals in the middle of the night where misogynist men are talking about a woman’s value being directly linked to how many people they have spelt with

Show quote history

He's lost the plot. Get rid.

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 13/12/2025 13:39

blueumbrella2016 · 13/12/2025 13:37

Okay let's turn this around then - let's say she asks him 'have you ever been to a prostitute?' and he tells her that's none of her business; would that be acceptable to her? Somehow I think not.

Show quote history

You're comparing apples & oranges

godmum56 · 13/12/2025 13:50
  1. What does this man bring to enhance your life?
  2. Why do you stay?
godmum56 · 13/12/2025 13:52

PS if someone asked me about my bodycount, I'd ask if they wanted to know about the remote kills or the barehand jobs?

SumUp · 13/12/2025 14:05

You need to get him out of your life OP. Be brave.

Comtesse · 13/12/2025 14:05

blueumbrella2016 · 13/12/2025 13:37

Okay let's turn this around then - let's say she asks him 'have you ever been to a prostitute?' and he tells her that's none of her business; would that be acceptable to her? Somehow I think not.

Show quote history

Prostitution is frequently illegal. Having previous sexual partners is not.

If you can’t see the difference between purchased sex (from often vulnerable/ trafficked women) and having had boyfriends in the past then that’s a bit worrying.

Don’t try a make excuses for this wrong’un.

Comtesse · 13/12/2025 14:10

Owly11 · 13/12/2025 13:21

I also would be suspicious of a partner who didn't want to talk about their past relationships and it would be a red flag for me.

Would you say think very carefully about exactly what you say? And want to track back to teenage years? And make the same request repeatedly? And send tragic manosphere reels about a woman’s value in the middle of the night??

A chat about previous history is fine - forensic examination and bullying like this is horrible. Surely you can see the difference?

OrangeCrushes · 13/12/2025 14:14

So glad that you are planning to leave. He is abusive and won't improve.

Beware that abusive men can become more dangerous when left, and as they feel their control slipping away. Maybe have a friend stay with you and come up with a safety plan.

SpinningaCompass · 13/12/2025 14:20

northern2025 · 12/12/2025 22:05

Because he will judge me and I will have to explain each and every one

Tell him to fuck off and then fuck off again. It's none of his business and you don't have to explain anything. You were as free to sleep with people just like he was when he was single.

InSpainTheRain · 13/12/2025 14:21

The body count question is actually irrelevant. What is far more of an issue is that he's a controlling arse and you need to get rid. So when he tells you to think carefully you need to tell him have done so, and he is to leave.

YouAreIn · 13/12/2025 14:24

"Bodycount" is a hideous phrase.

You need to leave this man before things get worse. This is the sort of place where abuse starts. This is not a good person. End the relationship before things get a lot worse.

I have been with my husband for 20 years. Never discussed this topic. Have talked a bit about ex's, first times etc but not really, it isn't important whatsoever to our lives since we got together. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is not sane and not to be trusted.

YouAreIn · 13/12/2025 14:28

blueumbrella2016 · 13/12/2025 13:37

Okay let's turn this around then - let's say she asks him 'have you ever been to a prostitute?' and he tells her that's none of her business; would that be acceptable to her? Somehow I think not.

Show quote history

This is stupid. Providing both partners are clean and healthy and no one has slept with anyone else's family members, sexual history is not relevant. What impact does it have on you how many times your partner has had sex before? It only matters if you are extremely insecure. If not, it is irrelevant. Anyone who insists on knowing this information is not mentally fit to be in a partnership with anyone. It is not about honesty. DO you discuss the intimate details of your toilet habits? That is about as relevant as your sexual partners. It is nobody's business but your own and anyone who insists otherwise is insecure and potentially controlling.

BillieWiper · 13/12/2025 14:29

He's disgusting, misogynistic and controlling. It's none of his concern and he should fuck right off. I hope you told him you don't date immature incels.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 13/12/2025 14:36

Has he been watching Four Weddings and wants to role play that scene with Hugh Grant & whoever played the American leading lady?!
I think this sort of conversation probably comes up naturally in relationships at some point, although I have to say that I'm not completely certain of how many previous people my other half has slept with now I think about it. We've never talked about it directly, although we did talk about our previous relationships.
Let's make no bones about it, women are judged in a different way to men on this matter. That's wrong. We shouldn't be judging anyone. His attitude tells me he would judge you, and that's a huge red flag.

Imisscoffee2021 · 13/12/2025 14:36

You are completely free @northern2025 , no children to make leaving very difficult and tie you to him, you can leave him in the dust where he belongs. He's a misogynistic little freak who isn't adding anything positive to your life, time to say goodbye if you can.

VictoriaEra · 13/12/2025 14:51

shhblackbag · 12/12/2025 22:02

So many red flags. I hate 'body count'. It's just such a shit way to talk about other people.

Agreed.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 13/12/2025 14:52

Give yourself a wonderful Christmas present. Change the locks and get rid of the abusive misogynist and all of his things. Block and delete. Do not engage with him any more. He could get dangerous as it sounds like he's obsessed by this. It's none of his business.

The fact that your friends have sat you down and asked why you're with him should be a huge red flag. They are concerned about him and it sounds like they have reason to be. I remember your other threads. He's overbearing and controlling and you need to take this as a deadly serious situation. Don't wait for him to get worse (which he will); get rid now.

GreenCandleWax · 13/12/2025 14:55

Does he think he owns you? How dare he demand the "truth" and imply you are not trustworthy! As for the "truth", tell him that he has no right to know all your private life, and don't indulge his proprietorial attitude. I'd get rid now, this won't improve.

Original poster
northern2025 · 13/12/2025 15:01

I do read the comments and they help, I often went back and read the kind support comments to try and make myself feel better
even the harsh ones I appreciate
I think I am scared of having no one there at all, and in parts we have had a nice time and I kept hoping it would get better
thankfully we don’t live together and I am arranging a network to help me with my dog
she is fantastic and I can’t regret the relationship as it has led me to having the most perfect furry angel in my life
I can’t keep on like this though because he has become so unpleasant
he also sent me a message saying we need to take a break as he has reservations about certain things
I haven’t replied and I don’t plan to

OP posts:
Original poster
northern2025 · 13/12/2025 15:02

QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 10:31

OP, I hear you. It is easier sometimes to talk to anonymous strangers then it is to talk to people in real life. Although, you are going to get a lot more rudeness through anonymous strangers and I'm sorry about that.

I'm sure that you've taken the time to read through all the post although, this discussion has really gone long and there's a lot of post to read through. But even if you only read through your own, you have to see a pattern here.

You say that he's controlling, that he's irrational, that he's judging, that he calls you mean names like Scag and slut and irrational and stupid,
That he's been doing this for at least 6 months,
That you're happier when he's not around, that you don't live together,
That you think you have low self-esteem and you think that you'd rather be with someone who is constantly hounding you, constantly judging you, constantly mad at you about something that they have no business to be mad at you about, as opposed to the idea of "being alone"

Being on your own is not the same as being alone and it's not the same as being lonely. Yeah I know that there are times when you feel grateful to have someone else that you can talk to or that you can spend time with, but when you talk to this person and every conversation is loaded, and when you spend time with them and at the end, you feel trapped and you can't wait to be away from them... You see where I'm going with us?

You're a little bit younger than 50, you're not exactly put out to pasture.
And even if you were 93, who cares? You sound like an intelligent and introspective and interesting person. You may feel that you don't have a lot to offer a potential partner (and apologies for circling back to your original question but I hope that STIs are not something that you could be offering a potential partner, any chance that's possibly what this guy is on about? Have you guys been tested for any infections? That would be my primary concern with a new partner, not how many people they slept with, but making sure that it's safe for me to sleep with them...)

Seriously. You sound like you're too good for this guy. You really are.
You don't deserve to be hounded and berated and belittled and judged and shamed by him based on how many partners you've known intimately over your years of being a sexual adult. Infections aside, it's none of his business, it has nothing to do with keeping secrets or being dishonest, it's about him controlling you and judging you and prying and snooping and even if you gave him 100% honest answers with photographic backup, and a written testimonial from each partner that you had, that wouldn't be enough for him. Hed continue to harass you and then he would just pick something else to make you feel bad about.

Screw him, but not literally.
Don't screw him, get rid of him.

Thank you for such a detailed and kind reply

OP posts:
Original poster
northern2025 · 13/12/2025 15:04

JFDIYOLO · 13/12/2025 10:10

Have you made Christmas plans? Does he have expectations?

Reach out to your friends and family who've already seen what's happening and expressed concerns, and ask for help. Can you go to them?

Tell them everything you've shared on your various threads. Hopefully writing it all out here will have helped you sort your thoughts out.

My first thought is usually 'why on earth is she still with him' - then everything I understand about abusive relationships kicks back in.

The way women can be brainwashed by men into thinking 'at least it's better than being single, who else will ever want me, I won't find anyone else at my age' and all the rest of the 💩.

How crumbs of romance, kindness, love bombing etc can rekindle false hope that he's changed.

How gaslighting can make her think 'it must be me, how can I improve, to deserve better?'

How bullying, wearing down resolve, constantly wrong-footing can confuse until she doesn't know which end is up.

And the fear of the consequences of saying and doing the wrong thing.

This. Is. Abuse.

If you do start telling him about your past relationships, he will probably be taking notes, recording conversations, pouncing on details and demanding more and more explanation. If your account differs in any way he will then seize on discrepancies and start tearing into them as 'evidence' you are lying. Until you will say anything to get him to stop. But still he'll be taking notes.

This man does not like, love or respect you.

He suspects and despises and controls you.

You. Are. Worth. Better.

PLEASE make 2026 your year, not his. And do it very carefully with support and backup.

Why not practice writing out your letter of resignation from the post of abused girlfriend right here?

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/leaving-abusive-relationship/

Thankfully I haven’t included him in my Christmas plans and I am away just before visiting family

Thank you I shall look these up

OP posts:
FeistyFrankie · 13/12/2025 15:04

I've dated loads and only one guy ever brought this up. I think that most men out there don't really care. I think a certain TYPE of man does, though. And he won't like the answer, whether it's 5, 15 or 50, or 500. He is going to judge you. He sounds insecure, jealous and hard work.

If a guy isn't lighting you up, making you feel special, and enhancing your life... he isn't worth your time or your energy.

Time to dump this loser, OP. And maybe spend a bit of time by yourself, build up your confidence. This will help you spot the red flags before you get emotionally invested in someone.