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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I wasted his 20s now he can’t have a baby?

139 replies

BootsandCatss · 11/12/2025 23:34

So I’ll start right at the beginning, I met my ex partner 8 years ago when I was 25, him 22. I had 2 children from a previous relationship who were 3 & 7 at the time, he had no children. I made it very clear due to numerous factors that I did not want any more children. He accepted that and said it was no problem, our relationship was enough.

Around a year into the relationship the subject of children came up, again I made it clear I didn’t want anymore children and told him if that’s something he wants in his future I’d understand and leave on good terms so he could find someone who wants what he wants, again he said no if being with me meant no biological children of his own he’d be happy with that. I thought that was the end of it and it wouldn’t come up again, I was wrong, but it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left so he could be with someone who wanted the same thing, this was 5 years ago, he’s done nothing in that time to meet anyone else and I mean NOTHING, he quit his job, moved back into his mums box room where he spent all of his time playing video games(see I made the right decision not to give into having a baby with him).

Today I’ve had his sister in my face ranting at me that I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him. I’m just baffled and having a rant I guess that anyone could think that his choices were my wrongdoings. Am I on another planet thinking I’ve done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
Unicorn34 · 11/12/2025 23:38

Nothing wrong at all - you were open and honest about it from the start. He is looking for someone to blame apart from himself. Being an adult = taking responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

Redrosesposies · 11/12/2025 23:39

No you haven't. You were clear right from the start and it's up to him now to live the rest of his life. FFS he's only 27.

sprigatito · 11/12/2025 23:41

His sister needs to butt the fuck out! He’s an adult with agency and a voice. If no children was a dealbreaker for him then he had every opportunity to walk. So either a) he isn’t bothered and his sister/other goons are shit-stirring, or b) he thought he could wear you down and is frustrated that no actually meant no - in which case tough shit. Either way, I would refuse to discuss it further.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/12/2025 23:43

You haven't done anything wrong. He sounds like a proper loser and you would have been dumped with another baby to look after on your own. You owe him nothing including a baby.

Isekaied · 11/12/2025 23:45

You seriously dodged a bullett there

HardworkSendHelp · 11/12/2025 23:45

You did nothing wrong, you have two children and didn’t want anymore. You are such a wise lady. He sounds like a complete dick!

Apileofballyhoo · 11/12/2025 23:49

Jaysus. So you were together for 3 years and it ended 5 years ago when he was 25, and somehow you're responsible for the past 5 years of his life?

Mumofteenandtween · 11/12/2025 23:49

You met him 8 years ago and left him 5 years ago? So you were with him from him being 22 to 25? That is not very long at all.

SizeableBadBoys · 11/12/2025 23:57

He's young, he has plenty of time to find a new partner and have a baby. I think there is a lot of projection going on here.

FenceBooksCycle · 12/12/2025 00:00

Of course you've done nothing wrong. He has absolutely been in control of his own decisions. His passivity and inaction of not trying to find a compatible life partner are not your fault or your problem, his sister is being irrational. Being a mum of 3 from 2 different dads is a lot of hard work. Something makes ne suspect that Mr Videogames wouldn't have been doing hus fair share of that.

SandyY2K · 12/12/2025 00:00

He still has plenty time to find a woman and have kids. They may just not find him so appealing in mum's box room. That's not your fault.

agathacrisps · 12/12/2025 00:10

What a strange accusation to be labelling you with. Very odd. I’d stop all communication and keep them all at a distance

JFDIYOLO · 12/12/2025 00:21

She sounds bonkers. You did the right thing, quite the opposite to what she's accusing you of.

He had the opportunity to live with children that he wouldn't have had if he'd been single, and might not have had with a different relationship.

He knows he would like children himself as a result of his time with you - and you let him go to pursue that life as a single and self governing man.

And yet, he CHOSES to behave like this.

Maybe one day when he grows up he'll start stepping up and seeking a relationship with someone who'd like children with him.

Ignore her. Block her.

SouthernNights59 · 12/12/2025 00:24

I would be telling his sister to grow up, in no uncertain terms. You've done nothing wrong OP, you were open from the beginning.

FlockofSquirrels · 12/12/2025 01:07

it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left

You should feel really proud of yourself for all of this.

Congrats on being honest with yourself and him, being firm in that in the face of some absolutely toxic pressure, and leaving that mess of a family behind.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/12/2025 01:18

So he is 28 and done NOTHING for five years and doesnt like how thats turned out?

Yeah Mantrum territory.

WAAAAHHHH!!!!! SHE DIDNT MAKE MY LIFE EASY FOR ME, SO ITS ALL WASTED AND ITS ALL HER FAULT!!

I would hazard a guess that his sister is younger, or at least not at all emotionally matured. She will learn.

How the hell did she end up able to be in your face like that? Whatever circumstances led to that, change them if you can.

Bobiverse · 12/12/2025 01:27

You were only with him for 3 years, from him being 22 to 25? And he is now 30, hasn’t met anyone else and they’re blaming you for him not having kids? Your relationship was barely a blip! He was 22 and had a girlfriend for 3 years… that has absolutely nothing to do with him not having kids at 30. The whole family sound insane.

Why are you even in contact with them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2025 01:27

OMG you evil cow. He could be in your box room right now, failing to parent the children you didn’t want but had to please him. While you skivvy for all of them and bring him cups of tea.

Or HARD NO.

He has time if he wasn’t a waste of skin.

Vaxtable · 12/12/2025 01:30

I would just go back to the sister and say he’s had 5 years to find someone, and you are not responsible for the fact he’s hidden away at mummys

then block

StruggleFlourish · 12/12/2025 01:44

So, you dated for 3 years when he was between the age of 22 to 25,
(You being exceptionally clear during that time that you would not be burying any more biological children and if this was an issue for you, we should not be in this relationship)
You finally broke up with the man-child after 3 years and he went back home to live with mummy (putting his job and playing video games all day with no responsibility),
and now his family is blaming you for stealing his youth and not giving them any nieces/nephews/cousins / grandchildren...

Sounds to me like he didn't need to procreate, the family already has a giant baby

QuirkyHorse · 12/12/2025 01:56

Why are you giving this any headspace when he's been out of your life for 5 years? And why give what his sister says any thought?

Do you still have feelings for him?

I just can't imagine giving a shit about what some has been and his family think 5 years on from a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

PineConesAndBerries · 12/12/2025 02:07

I'd block her. Him not being able to forge a relationship since the age of 25 is nothing to do with you.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/12/2025 02:12

I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him

So he just sees women as incubators then.

Ew, you dodged a bullet there.

Firefumes · 12/12/2025 02:13

He was 25 when you split up? How is that wasting his best years?

And he’s 30 now? The reason no one wants him is because of his undesirable lifestyle, not age. Most people in their 30s are more established in housing, career, lifestyle. Playing games all day, is only going to be appealing to gamer girls who I’m guessing aren’t what he’s attracted to.

PineConesAndBerries · 12/12/2025 02:15

QuirkyHorse · 12/12/2025 01:56

Why are you giving this any headspace when he's been out of your life for 5 years? And why give what his sister says any thought?

Do you still have feelings for him?

I just can't imagine giving a shit about what some has been and his family think 5 years on from a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's the sister who's been ranting at the OP today who's in the wrong, not the OP for being baffled by it.