I wasted his 20s now he can’t have a baby?

[BootsandCatss]

So I’ll start right at the beginning, I met my ex partner 8 years ago when I was 25, him 22. I had 2 children from a previous relationship who were 3 & 7 at the time, he had no children. I made it very clear due to numerous factors that I did not want any more children. He accepted that and said it was no problem, our relationship was enough.

Around a year into the relationship the subject of children came up, again I made it clear I didn’t want anymore children and told him if that’s something he wants in his future I’d understand and leave on good terms so he could find someone who wants what he wants, again he said no if being with me meant no biological children of his own he’d be happy with that. I thought that was the end of it and it wouldn’t come up again, I was wrong, but it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left so he could be with someone who wanted the same thing, this was 5 years ago, he’s done nothing in that time to meet anyone else and I mean NOTHING, he quit his job, moved back into his mums box room where he spent all of his time playing video games(see I made the right decision not to give into having a baby with him).

Today I’ve had his sister in my face ranting at me that I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him. I’m just baffled and having a rant I guess that anyone could think that his choices were my wrongdoings. Am I on another planet thinking I’ve done nothing wrong?

I am glad he doesn't have any kids. it would only end badly for the child. He and his family are the selfish ones. Kids need their parents, not the other way around.

From doing the maths you became pregnant at 17 so you've been parenting your whole adult life and if you'd gone along with him you'd never stop because he sounds like a mardy baby himself. Give yourself a break, your kids are growing up and you're still young!

Dear ex's sister. I was very clear from day one that I didn't want kids. He was ok with this. I maintained this position and never gave him false hope when he seemed uncertain of what he wanted and when I realised this is something he wanted after all, despite what he initially said, I did the decent thing and let him go. He has had 5 years to meet someone else. If he has not managed to do that it's not my problem. I haven't wasted his time. Hopefully I taught him women can't b bullied or manipulated into something that isn't right for them and he at least used this time to work out in his own head that he did want his own children. I would respectfully ask you to support him in doing that rather than chastising me for something which is not my problem or my responsibility. Yours Boots

How inappropriate. He is 30, it’s not like he is 70. Plenty of time to meet someone. The sister just made an absolute idiot of herself and of him. Pathetic

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here, don’t worry about it. My DH told me on our second date that he’d had a vasectomy so there would be no biological children if we stayed together (I’ve already got two and so has he) I appreciated his honesty but wanted the relationship more than I wanted more kids and now we’ve been married 13 years. He said he’d been dreading the conversation! Sometimes you just have to stick to your guns and that’s what you did, well done.

DH has a friend a bit like this, blames his ex for the fact he never got married and had kids and they split up over 20 years ago and he has been single ever since. He does have his own house and works, but the resentment and blame is there for the lack of family. He was 32 when they split up and they were together for two years, she got married and had kids but he couldn’t apparently because of her 🤦‍♀️

This isn’t about children. It’s about him moving back into his parents and giving up his job/life. When he was with you those things were not an issue so he gave up. He didn’t have to have a relationship with you, you gave him your honest opinion which you were entitled to. His sister is projecting at you. It’s not your problem.

You are well out of that.

You couldnt have been more honest and upfront. You even cut him free when you couldnt/wouldnt give him what he wants.

Sounds like you made a great decision

Yup, that was what my brother's ex did. She was angry with him and would then be abusive towards me, or my children. She didn't dare be abusive to my husband.

Then she didn't understand why on earth I thought that she didn't like me. She and my brother is now divorced, and my dear brother cannot understand why we refuse to participate in anything where she'd be present.

She could (can?) only ever enjoy a party if she made a child cry. Didn't have to be one of her own. We had "bodyguards" for our children for several years whenever we were at a party where she was present.

Unfortunately, we thought that it was our children she didn't like, and so did my husband's family, so we didn't think to get bodyguards for our nieces on that side. My "darling" ex-SIL started to be abusive towards them instead.

OP - you are 100% right and good on you for knowing what you wanted and staying firm.

If only he had the same commitment to thinking about what he actually wanted and maintaining those boundaries, he would be fine now

For for you for getting rid.
Why give the nut job or your ex ANY head space /text time now you're finished with him?
He might see it as wasted time but HE chose to be with you inspite of your saying no kids. HE wasted his own time not you, I thought he was going to be a lot older when I started reading tbh, perhaps in his mid 40's when you broke up.🙄
The 'If you loved me you would' line, trotted out by some teen boys, can reframed 'if you loved me you wouldn't ask'.
Nutjob and the rest of them now realise that they are lumbered until they can mug him off on to some other unsuspecting /gullible woman.

Its a sad situation OP because this young man probably has a mental health problem and his family aren't able to support him in a way that will actually help him
so they attack you instead. It's nothing to do with you or anything you've done.

He's 30. I have a friend who's become a father at 67 (not saying this is necessarily a good thing, mind). Why does everyone in his family seem to think he's missed the boat in terms of fathering a child?

Although he's not going to become a dad by sitting in a spare room all the time. Maybe his sister could try pointing that out to him.

... this, but possibly more like "this young man probably has a mental health problem and his family aren't able to support him in a way that will actually help him, and were really hoping that if you stuck with him and got pregnant by him he would become permanently your problem not theirs"

Sister is hitting out because they didn’t want him back living at home . Now he’s their problem.

@GeorgieFG You have made a really good point there, he didn’t take the split very well and begged me to take him back for months, the people around him didn’t help by feeding him the line of “give her some space and she’ll come back” he reached out around 2 years ago saying he’s still holding onto hope that I’ll take him back but I shut that down immediately. I do think he slipped into a depressive state but he’s had 5 years to get help and ultimately I’m not responsible for his mental health.

Wasted all his good years and he’s only 30? He’s got another 10 years to be a regularly aged first time dad and probably another 10 years after that if he doesn’t mind being a slightly older one! And to top it off he’s been single since he was 25 meaning you dated for a third of his 20s at most 🤣 I might half understand if he was 45 and had just spent the last 15 years with you promising a baby that you knew you weren’t ever going to have.

You were upfront from the start that your family was already complete for you, and left him with plenty of time to go start his own. Personally it’s refreshing to hear a story of someone not having a baby they don’t want just to please someone else.

Oh just ignore them and block

He's a classic case of failure to launch. Even if you did want more kids, he wouldn't be a good choice as a father.

You've done nothing wrong at all. I think you handled this well. You told him at the outset you did not want any more children. Each time it was mentioned you made it very clear. You suggested that you split so he could find someone who did want children. He didn't take you up on that so you then decided to leave him which meant you could find someone who wanted the same as you and he was free to find someone who did want children.

You did not future fake like a lot of people do with vague promises to consider it at a later time or saying stuff like "when we've bought a house together", "when we've had the extension done", "when I've had a promotion at work" etc. You haven't kicked the can down the road, constantly coming up with more reasons not to have children when the real reason is you didn't want any more. Some people behave like that and it's just not on but you didn't. It was absolutely clear from the beginning.

You were only together 3 years anyway. That's not that long really and many couples aren't even thinking about children in that time scale. The relationship ended when he was 25. He's had 5 years to look for someone else. He's still young and has more than enough time to become a father.

You are not responsible for what he has or hasn't done after you ended the relationship. His sister needs to butt out. If he's become depressed, again, it's not your fault or responsibility.

He did nothing in five years? Five full years!
I wonder if he wasn't able to meet anyone else in that time is because he is one of those.
Don't think more about it.
I suspect he is playing pitty because you left him, he is depressed etc etc.
I wouldn't entertain any of them.

He sounds depressed.
Does he think he's old at 30?
You have people in their 40s and 50s starting their families or starting all over again and he's already over the hill 🤣
But yeah, he's got an issue that he needs to work on.
Did he want to have a baby and then just boast that he has a child while playing video games?
Definitely well rid

@BootsandCatss what did you say to his sister? I'd have said put him on a dating app, I feel sorry for him but he's not my problem now.

I read the op assuming it was a reverse, but I think your updates are in good faith.

It sounds to me like the reasoning of one of those hard of thinking people who think gender equality means treating men and women exactly the same.

For women there is a fertility window, and in terms of child bearing a limited number of “best” years. A man’s fertility window is much broader. It’s not infinite, because sperm quality diminishes with time, but it is significantly longer than a woman’s. And for most people raising children in their thirties, even into their forties offers a benefit in terms of wealth, stability and emotional maturity.

All I can conclude from this is that his dsis is quite dim.

This is just so odd. He’s only 30! He’s a man! He has another 20 years if he wants/needs that long, to meet someone and have a family before he becomes too old to really enjoy raising children.

And you ended things 5 years ago! We’ve all had our hearts broken but we picked ourselves up and carried on. 5 years of mourning a 3 year relationship is just wierd.