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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I wasted his 20s now he can’t have a baby?

139 replies

BootsandCatss · 11/12/2025 23:34

So I’ll start right at the beginning, I met my ex partner 8 years ago when I was 25, him 22. I had 2 children from a previous relationship who were 3 & 7 at the time, he had no children. I made it very clear due to numerous factors that I did not want any more children. He accepted that and said it was no problem, our relationship was enough.

Around a year into the relationship the subject of children came up, again I made it clear I didn’t want anymore children and told him if that’s something he wants in his future I’d understand and leave on good terms so he could find someone who wants what he wants, again he said no if being with me meant no biological children of his own he’d be happy with that. I thought that was the end of it and it wouldn’t come up again, I was wrong, but it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left so he could be with someone who wanted the same thing, this was 5 years ago, he’s done nothing in that time to meet anyone else and I mean NOTHING, he quit his job, moved back into his mums box room where he spent all of his time playing video games(see I made the right decision not to give into having a baby with him).

Today I’ve had his sister in my face ranting at me that I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him. I’m just baffled and having a rant I guess that anyone could think that his choices were my wrongdoings. Am I on another planet thinking I’ve done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
itsalwayssunnyhere · 12/12/2025 11:01

You wasted his 20s how, exactly? By being with him for three years 5 years ago? He had 5 more years of his "20s" that he wasted and now he wants to blame you?? Make it make sense!

Starlight1984 · 12/12/2025 11:03

FenceBooksCycle · 12/12/2025 09:58

... this, but possibly more like "this young man probably has a mental health problem and his family aren't able to support him in a way that will actually help him, and were really hoping that if you stuck with him and got pregnant by him he would become permanently your problem not theirs"

Absolutely this.

Meadowfinch · 12/12/2025 11:09

Let me guess, you were the organiser during your time together. He moved into your house or you sorted a home for all of you. He essentially found a new 'mum' but with sex as well.

He stayed because it was all too good and he thought you'd change your mind. You haven't, and split to stop the pressure.

He's had a massive sulk, and is now faced with the reality that if he wants a wife and family, he needs to get off his bum, sort a career, a home and a social life that might deliver that.

He'll get over it, he just needs the cold reality to sink in a bit deeper, that's all.

Ignore his family. He needs to stand on his own two feet

NotDarkGothicMama · 12/12/2025 11:11

His family are ridiculous and his sister is out of order to approach and harangue you.

Classic application of the first rule of chauvinism though: there's nothing that goes wrong in a man's life that isn't somehow a woman's fault.

5128gap · 12/12/2025 11:24

He clearly wasn't mature enough to be in the relationship with you, because he failed to understand and respect your position on children and naively thought he could change your mind.
Now the relationship is over he has regressed to the lifestyle he would have been leading had you not had the relationship, living at home, mooching about moaning about not having a GF. His sister is probably concerned by the regression from apparant grown adult in a family to this, and is looking for someone to blame.
When actually, there is really very little to see here. He's just a young man with an early relationship behind him that ran its course, and plenty of options ahead of him. It's entirely down to him to proactively seek to achieve his life goals, just as we all have to.
You've done nothing wrong at all.

DonicaLewinsky · 12/12/2025 11:28

Billybagpuss · 12/12/2025 05:48

My guess is you are on the tail end of a circle of rant.

man child moves back in with mummy, resorts to teenage habits of gaming all night.
mummy had no intention really of having him back now she’s stuck with an adult gamer who never leaves the house and it’s not a huge stretch to suggest doesn’t pull his weight either. She really wants him gone and settled with a family so she rants to her daughter.

Daughter fed up with the ‘why do I have to listen to my parents rant about my lazy brother all the time’ sees you, ah it’s all your fault if you’d have just given him a baby none of this would have happened how dare you dump him so he actually has to go out and make an effort.

not your fault at all you did the right thing

This would be my guess.

Grammarnut · 12/12/2025 11:31

His life choices are nothing to do with you. If he wanted DC in his 20s he should have found a partner who wanted DC. Looks like he wasted several years of your life, not vice versa! Block SiL et al.

GeorgieFG · 12/12/2025 11:52

FenceBooksCycle · 12/12/2025 09:58

... this, but possibly more like "this young man probably has a mental health problem and his family aren't able to support him in a way that will actually help him, and were really hoping that if you stuck with him and got pregnant by him he would become permanently your problem not theirs"

It does seem that they see OP as the solution, rather than encouraging him to see his GP!

GeorgieFG · 12/12/2025 11:56

BootsandCatss · 12/12/2025 10:06

@GeorgieFG You have made a really good point there, he didn’t take the split very well and begged me to take him back for months, the people around him didn’t help by feeding him the line of “give her some space and she’ll come back” he reached out around 2 years ago saying he’s still holding onto hope that I’ll take him back but I shut that down immediately. I do think he slipped into a depressive state but he’s had 5 years to get help and ultimately I’m not responsible for his mental health.

Of course he's not your responsibility, there is nothing you can do except step back from this. I feel sorry for him because his family has been making things worse by encouraging to cling on to a relationship that's long over, rather than looking at his life as it is now and what he wants to happen next. He's so young and has many years to meet someone else and start a family, if he can work through the depression and helplessness he seems to be feeling.

user1471538283 · 12/12/2025 11:57

His parents want him out. If you'd kept him they wouldn't have this waster sitting around.

I don't get what his sister thought happen from ranting at you. That you'd say she is right and take him back?

Moaning5 · 12/12/2025 12:14

What a refreshing post !!

Well done OP - making wise life decisions for yourself and your children and standing by them despite man-pressure.

LOVE IT !

Elsvieta · 12/12/2025 12:20

Ugh. Definitely the type who likes the idea of kids but then leaves it to the mum (and gran, and anyone female) to do the work. Manbaby.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/12/2025 12:58

I've known a few men who never have a GF then one day they do meet someone and they go on to marry her, it's as if having finally found someone they think that's it, they're settled. I wonder if your Ex is like this, he found you Op and thought in time you'd marry and change your mind about more DC, he didn't ever imagine you'd leave and now he can't accept it.
Obviously if he had lots of GFs then I'm wrong and I don't know why he's still pining after five years

Winter2020 · 12/12/2025 13:01

He's only 30. He has plenty of time to have children if he chooses to get off the xbox.

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