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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I wasted his 20s now he can’t have a baby?

139 replies

BootsandCatss · 11/12/2025 23:34

So I’ll start right at the beginning, I met my ex partner 8 years ago when I was 25, him 22. I had 2 children from a previous relationship who were 3 & 7 at the time, he had no children. I made it very clear due to numerous factors that I did not want any more children. He accepted that and said it was no problem, our relationship was enough.

Around a year into the relationship the subject of children came up, again I made it clear I didn’t want anymore children and told him if that’s something he wants in his future I’d understand and leave on good terms so he could find someone who wants what he wants, again he said no if being with me meant no biological children of his own he’d be happy with that. I thought that was the end of it and it wouldn’t come up again, I was wrong, but it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left so he could be with someone who wanted the same thing, this was 5 years ago, he’s done nothing in that time to meet anyone else and I mean NOTHING, he quit his job, moved back into his mums box room where he spent all of his time playing video games(see I made the right decision not to give into having a baby with him).

Today I’ve had his sister in my face ranting at me that I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him. I’m just baffled and having a rant I guess that anyone could think that his choices were my wrongdoings. Am I on another planet thinking I’ve done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
Sparklesandspandexgallore · 12/12/2025 07:05

Quite frankly it sounds a relief that he hasn’t had children.
I would cut his batshit sister out of my life. If I were you and bumped into her again I would blank her completely. If she tried to speak to me again I would tell her to get the f * away from me and never speak to me again.
You absolutely dodged a bullet there op.
What a waste of space your ex is.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 12/12/2025 07:07

He's an incel in training. Sitting in his mum's box room, gaming. How did he think he was going to find a partner doing that?

unsync · 12/12/2025 07:12

Adults need to adult. You have, he hasn't. Sounds like the whole family are a bit batshit. Well done for holding firm to your boundaries.

nomas · 12/12/2025 07:16

It just shows incel culture is alive and well, when even young women such as this loser’s sister have bought into the belief that men are owed relationships and babies by women.

I’m glad OP had a lucky escape, but it is depressing thinking of all the other men who get away with this, having a wife and kids and making very little effort in the home but presenting an image of a family man to the world at the expense of his wife’s efforts.

Alondra · 12/12/2025 07:17

My apologies OP. I didn't read your opening post in full, where you disclosed you left him 5 years ago.

Your SIL is a fucking idiot. Don't sweat the call and keep living your life.

Blarghism · 12/12/2025 07:22

Does she know that your 20s last for 10 years and the 2 of you were only together for 3?

Sassylovesbooks · 12/12/2025 07:24

You haven't done anything wrong. You were upfront with him from the beginning. When the subject of children came up, you reiterated what you'd told him at the beginning of the relationship and gave him the opportunity to walk away. If he's not made the effort to go and meet someone, how is that your fault?? You didn't chain him to you for the time you were together, he made the choice to stay!!! The fact he's now struggling to find someone, isn't your fault either!! It's easier for his sister to blame you for her brother's failings, than accept that he made the wrong choices. If he wanted children, then he should have left you to find someone else the first time the conversation arose. I suspect he stayed hoping you'd change your mind - again that choice is down to him, not you. A friend of mine stayed with her boyfriend hoping he'd change his mind regarding marriage, but he'd told her from the start he didn't want to get married. Eventually after 8 years of waiting for him to miraculously change his mind, the penny dropped that he wasn't.

Penisbeakeralltheclassics · 12/12/2025 07:26

One of the few heart warming stories from women on here. You OP are a strong woman 💪

Muffinmam · 12/12/2025 07:28

You were so right in your decision not to have a baby (with him or anyone else but especially him).

He would have done absolutely nothing if you had a baby with him. He would have quit his job and spent all of his time gaming because he would have thought he had trapped you.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/12/2025 07:31

You did the decent thing and told him no DC right from the start, he didn't believe you and drove you away with his constant nagging. He's doing nothing with his life now, how useful for his family to be able to blame you rather than him

OneCleverPinkFawn · 12/12/2025 07:38

They all sound unwell. You being with him when he was 22 to 25 has nothing to do with the further failures in his love life in his 30s. Block and ignore, you don't need them or their nonsense in your life.

Screamingabdabz · 12/12/2025 07:50

Did you say to her “we split up five years ago, why is his sad little life my fault?”

beAsensible1 · 12/12/2025 07:52

How bizarre.

Maybe being a jobless gaming troll is the issue rather than an ex from 5 years ago

sydi · 12/12/2025 07:52

The family are just pissed off that the 15st weight you were carrying has passed back to them - they were hoping they'd got rid once and for all when he lived with you. Ignore them all.

He's their problem - and they can always kick him out and make him stand on his own two feet so that he's not they're problem, but they choose not to.

Dollymylove · 12/12/2025 07:53

His sister sounds batshit and he sounds like a whiny toddler.
Tell the sister if she tries to contact you again you will reporting to the police as harrassment

Itwillnotbe · 12/12/2025 07:53

His sister/family are frustrated with him too.

You are the excuse for his failings.

Ignore.

ChaToilLeam · 12/12/2025 07:56

You didn't just dodge having a child with this lazy manbaby, you also dodged a nutty interfering SIL/aunt. Be grateful for your wise life choices and block 'em all!

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 12/12/2025 08:03

His sister has it all wrong - you were his best years because he stepped up while he was with you, but now he has defaulted to factory setting.

Well done for avoiding this being your life with him.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/12/2025 08:04

I think he's been moaning to his mum about his lack of life, his mum (sick of him being in her spare room like the world.s most useless ornament) has moaned to her daughter about him not being able to meet anyone else and she has turned it all around on you, because it can't be her precious little bruv-wuv at fault now, can it?

He's a complete waste of skin. And now they all can see it.

lemonraspberry · 12/12/2025 08:05

Whole family sounds a bit nuts tbh. If ex wants a child he needs to sort himself out and find a partner with similar wants. At 30 he has time. Living with his mum & having a whine and a moan on her couch is not be the way forward.

you are taking the hit OP as you have been the nearest he has got to this life goal. Probably thought it would be an easy call as you already had 2.

Imdunfer · 12/12/2025 08:07

Whole family sound batshit crazy to me, perhaps best if he doesn't pass on those genes!

Homegrownberries · 12/12/2025 08:07

He didn't really want a baby in his early 20s. He wanted a mother. When you didn't fill that role for him we went back to his own mother. You've had a lucky escape.

LarrySherbert · 12/12/2025 08:10

He can't find anyone who wants to have a relationship with him?!

Can't imagine why. 😑

honeylulu · 12/12/2025 08:10

Someone once told me that if a person is disappointed in/hurt by someone they love, but is afraid of confronting them for fear of damaging the relationship, they will instead hit out and blame someone else significant in that person's life. (Triangulation?)

I think that is what's happening here. Sister is worried about and disappointed in her brother who has regressed to teenagehood and lives in mum's box room playing video games whereas once she thought of him as being on the road to a proper grown up life, living independently and being a family man. She doesn't want to fall out with him by calling him a pathetic pillock so she's bending the truth into a pretzel to blame you instead. Completely missing the point that he's had five years to find someone else.

He's still really young though, he's got loads of time to do that stuff. Most 25 year old men aren't married with children.

Edit, sorry, maths is wrong. He is 30 not 25 but still young to do the stuff he wanted ... if he leaves his bedroom!

TurtleHeadling · 12/12/2025 08:11

Well thank god you didn’t have a child with him and also that you aren’t tied to his loony family!