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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I wasted his 20s now he can’t have a baby?

139 replies

BootsandCatss · 11/12/2025 23:34

So I’ll start right at the beginning, I met my ex partner 8 years ago when I was 25, him 22. I had 2 children from a previous relationship who were 3 & 7 at the time, he had no children. I made it very clear due to numerous factors that I did not want any more children. He accepted that and said it was no problem, our relationship was enough.

Around a year into the relationship the subject of children came up, again I made it clear I didn’t want anymore children and told him if that’s something he wants in his future I’d understand and leave on good terms so he could find someone who wants what he wants, again he said no if being with me meant no biological children of his own he’d be happy with that. I thought that was the end of it and it wouldn’t come up again, I was wrong, but it became a regular conversation with him involving others and they’d say to me “if you loved him you’d give him what he wants” but why should I change what I’ve stood firm on the whole time? In the end I’d had enough of it and left so he could be with someone who wanted the same thing, this was 5 years ago, he’s done nothing in that time to meet anyone else and I mean NOTHING, he quit his job, moved back into his mums box room where he spent all of his time playing video games(see I made the right decision not to give into having a baby with him).

Today I’ve had his sister in my face ranting at me that I wasted his best years by tying him down and not giving him what he wants, that I was selfish and he’s now struggling to find someone who wants a relationship with him. I’m just baffled and having a rant I guess that anyone could think that his choices were my wrongdoings. Am I on another planet thinking I’ve done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/12/2025 08:12

Aren't you glad he's your ex, if he's been saying shit like that? You don't need to talk to his sister, she's just as ex as he is.

His family are not your friends. Block and ignore all of them (in real life as well as electronically)

Hoardasurass · 12/12/2025 08:15

@BootsandCatss you've done nothing wrong, you were honest about your feelings and wants you gave him every opportunity to leave if it wasn't right for you.
He on the other hand is an abusive manipulative bully who tried to run roughshod over your firm boundary even enlisting others in his abuse. Oh and as he cant be more than 30 he still has plenty of time to find someone who he can manipulate into "giving" him a child.
The fact is he decided that his wants and expectations of you and your body were more important than you and your wants and/or needs, that makes him a piece of shit who you were lucky to escape from.
He made choices which you are not responsible for and unfortunately for him he is now facing the consequences of his choices and his inability to coerce you into doing what he wanted. If that makes him sad tough shit and his sister needs to do 1

HisNotHes · 12/12/2025 08:17

I’d be inclined to just completely ignore his sister, but if you can’t then spell it out to her.

“I told him from the very beginning that I didn’t ever want more children and that he was free to leave if he wanted children. It was his choice to stay.
We split up when he was ~25, he didn’t waste his best years - most men have not settled down or met their future wife by that age.
He’s had the chance for the last 5 years to find someone new to have children with and he hasn’t - that’s nothing to do with me and again is entirely his own choice. I wont be discussing it any further.”

CantBreathe90 · 12/12/2025 08:18

Tbf everyone knows men are only fertile from the ages of 22 to 26. So many men get to 27 and regret not having had children, I imagine he's really struggling with the missed opportunity.

Irishpoppy · 12/12/2025 08:18

Pathetic man. You dodged a bullet.

FluffyBox · 12/12/2025 08:20

He’s only 30 😂 They all sound like lunatics!

shellyleppard · 12/12/2025 08:21

Sounds like you had a lucky escape op. He sounds like a man child. Btw next time his family start on just remind them men can still produce babies well into old age. So the problem might not be you....or just tell them to do one 🤣

ChocolateCinderToffee · 12/12/2025 08:22

Nor your circus, nor your monkeys. What the fuck has it got to do with his sister anyway?

Notsuchafattynow · 12/12/2025 08:23

'His best years?'

He's not a pint of milk.

Teathecolourofcreosote · 12/12/2025 08:23

What was he like as a partner?

It does seem like you were at very different stages of life at the time. But in others I've seen them step up and grow up fast when in a relationship where there are kids and responsibilities.

I'm wondering if in this case he just effectively swapped one mum for another?

Still doesn't make it your fault but like a PP suggested about the circle rant, suspect this is more the sister's frustration that he is showing no signs of growing up and getting out of his bedroom.

Now it's her problem (via her parents) where as if you'd 'kept him' it would be yours. And that's what she's annoyed about.

justasking111 · 12/12/2025 08:25

I suspect the family are fed up with him and blaming you for his return. Well his parents created this misfit not you.

BootsandCatss · 12/12/2025 08:28

Just to clear up any confusion he is 30 now.

I do think in their minds it’s a case of because I’ve got 2 already what’s another one, but I know financially, physically and mentally I would not cope with another especially on my own. I’m not in contact with any of his family, it was a mutual friend that told me that he’s doing nothing with his life and his sister approached me while I was out.

There’s plenty of women out there wanting to start a family around his age, we all know that’s not the problem I was just that stumped that I’d been blamed for it that I was speechless.

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 12/12/2025 08:29

You must be breathing a huge sigh of relief OP that you no longer have a gaming man child in your house! Crack the champagne open for that one.
He's SEP (someone else’s problem)

hididdlyho · 12/12/2025 08:33

Very strange comment from the sister. I'd wonder whether it's his family pressuring him to have kids rather than something he really wants. I wouldn't have thought it's that difficult for him to find a woman in her 20s or 30s who wants to have a baby!

Either way I'd block the sister and not get involved.

BootsandCatss · 12/12/2025 08:36

@Teathecolourofcreosote He was a really good partner, he pulled his weight around the house etc. the conversation of children coming up was the only issue. He’d have 100% met someone else had he not reverted back to being an overgrown teen.

OP posts:
Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 08:38

Ew his sister is blaming you??
That’s so cringey!

Unless you told him that you were open to having kids then none of this is your fault.
He chose to stay and now he’s sad and lonely and wants someone to blame.

The whole family sounds pathetic.
He’s sat there moping in his room about how hard done by he is and trying to blame other people.
He needs to get off his ass and sort his life and stop enabling him.

FWIW my brother has just come out of a very controlling relationship and she definitely took away some of his life which he won’t get back and he is affected by it.
I obviously can’t stand her but even I wouldn’t blame her in 5 years time that he hasn’t got a gf when he’s made no effort to get one.
I’m the one encouraging him to go on dates and not let her waste anymore of his life.

Studyunder · 12/12/2025 08:44

FFS, what a man baby 🙄
I’m fucking delighted you did the right thing and have zero life ties to him or his family!

StarlightRobot · 12/12/2025 08:44

This is so creepy and entitled by his family, like you had an obligation to breed for him. Yuck! Of course you did absolutely nothing wrong and they all sound insane.

WildLeader · 12/12/2025 08:44

Isekaied · 11/12/2025 23:45

You seriously dodged a bullett there

Yeah, not only the waster bloke, but the nightmare in-laws too!

phew!

@BootsandCatss I hope you told her to fuck off mind her own

don’t give it a second thought.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 12/12/2025 08:47

There’s plenty of women out there wanting to start a family around his age

No one wants to have a baby with an unemployed 30 year old, living in his mums boxroom, spending his days gaming.

He needs to get a job and move out. THEN maybe he can attract a woman who would like to have a baby with him.

FenceBooksCycle · 12/12/2025 08:48

He doesn't actually want children.

His family want him to grow-the-fuck-up, and they reckon that the responsibility of fatherhood will boot him into maturity. They are wrong.

They were bullying him into this when you were together. The pressure was actually from them, but he wanted to placate them enough that he would occasionally raise the topic with you. However he did actually love you more than the idea of having his own biological child. His failing here was to not take a strong position of respecting and embracing your right to choose that you had no wish for further motherhood than you already have. He should have shut down and argued against anyone among friends and family who didn't respect this. This weakness shows he wasn't ever really a good partner, and probably would make a rather crap dad if he ever does find someone to reproduce with.

Honestly, if you'd ever given in and had a baby with him, his natural tendencies towards being weak and lazy would soon have ended your relationship anyway. You'd be a single mother to 3, and he'd still be living at his mum's playing video games, with the only difference for his family being that his mum has to also look after his kid during the every-other-weekend overnights that might eventually have been established. That's not an alternate timeline that I'd be in any hurry to switch to.

GrooveArmada · 12/12/2025 08:52

Isekaied · 11/12/2025 23:45

You seriously dodged a bullett there

Couldn't agree more! Well done, OP!

GrooveArmada · 12/12/2025 08:52

Isekaied · 11/12/2025 23:45

You seriously dodged a bullett there

Couldn't agree more! Well done, OP!

Redburnett · 12/12/2025 09:03

Ignore and block, some people love pretending they are a victim and blaming others when the reality is that they do not act for themselves.

Bamfram · 12/12/2025 09:06

Good call OP.
A man child with a loon for a sister.
Ignore.

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