Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Agree.

This is going to seem a bit weird.... There's a reason people talk about Xennials (those born in the late Seventies/early Eighties). There really is a marked difference in outlook in those born in the early Seventies and the late Seventies IMO. Which means that the difference between being born in 1971 and not 1976/77 isn't just about numbers.

I feel like some posters are focusing on his age and the age gap.
Which isn’t really the issue - it’s the lies that are the issue.

It's kind of both really - the lie is the main thing, but 6 years is not insignificant. Like had I been minded to, we could have gotten married and had two children in that time 😂it's not like it's a couple of years...

I knew of a bloke who lived in the south England, but owned a property in Manchester which he never told his wife about.

I cant think of anything worse than bringing up children with a man in his mid 50s. By the time your child is 15 he'd be pushing 70 and the moment you saw the kids off to be independent adults and had a chance to relax, you'd then have to start being his carer in his old age.

So basically, it would be the next three decades of you looking after everyone and putting in the caring donkey work for the sake of everyone else. Whats in this for you?

Also, from my experience of parents and my parents friends and work colleagues, women seem to come into their own in their 50s whilst men seem to become increasingly grumpy and victor meldrew like as they age.

On top of all of this, he's lied to your face about a fundamental aspect of himself.

No thanks. I think you can do better.

You work in law and you're allowing this man to continue the deceit? Not just to you - but to all other women he may meet on the App.

1. Report him to the dating app. Give the companies house documents as proof of his age. He will be barred from ever rejoining that app.

or

1. Give him the opportunity to correct it. Print out one or two of the docs from Companies House - confront him with the evidence and tell him he must change his age on the dating app.

He will probably prevaricate and say there is no way of changing it. However, that is nonsense - the way to correct an incorrect date of birth is via the apps Customer Service team.

^^ Make him phone the Customer Service team and correct it in front of you, whilst you are present.

1. Tell him if you ever find his profile again on that app or any other apps with his age reduced you will flag and report his profile to the app.

someone I know (in a very casual capacity through work) did his divorce - he isn't married 😂

His age isn't an issue. The fact he is happy to lie is a problem. Walk away!

Exactly. I do that before the first date 😂

You are right to think hard about this.

My DH is 12 years older than me and (through no fault of his own) is in poor health. It's bloody hard as I am still full of life.

36 and 54 is a hell of a gap and, like with my DH, his health might suddenly falter.

The whole thing feels way off and I would bring it up face to face, as you plan and unless he can prove he did not lie, I would be gone.

CH will have got the info from a main database. It will be accurate.

Lately, I have looked at it as there was a death notice for my boss in my first job and he was forever trying it on with me. I was 17 turning 18 while I worked for him and he said he was 30 but his birth date is on CH and I did a calculation and realised that he was 6 years older. In fact he was fifteen years and eleven months older than me.

I declined his advances for a variety of reasons including my gut feeling that he was a fair bit older. All these years later I have realised what a sleaze he was.

But when he is 68 and collecting his pension you will be 50 and you will be working for another 20 years to support him !!!!!

He will be able to collect his (state) pension at age 67 because those are the current rules for those of us in our mid 50s.

You won't be able to collect your (state) pension until you are 70 because as you are aware the pension age keeps being raised.

If you were (or he was) actually thinking long term this will be a massive problem when you both reach (or one if you reaches) retirement age ...... he will be retired for 20 years before you.

If he was remotely serious about wanting more children, you will also end up being:

● his carer
● carer to all the children from previous relationships and any new children you have
● the main bread winner

What's in it for you ???? 🙄

Both could be an issue.

He has lied and so therefore women responding to him want to date a man who is his fictional age. If they wanted to date someone much older then presumably they wouldn't be choosing men (like him) who are younger (or pretending to be younger).

He has therefore taken away his date's choice to date someone of the age they want to. So, yes, both could easily be an issue.

Its no different to a woman lying and saying she hasnt got kids when she has and then saying "my kids are not the problem" - well, they might be if people asking you out specifically dont want to date a woman with kids. However, they weren't able to make that clear because you lied.

A 12 year age difference is a challenge as you get older, but 18 years will be HARD if you're still together in 10 years. He's gonna be 64, looking at retirement and possibly managing age-related health issues. Kids together would be out of the question in my mind.

Sack him off op. You're too young to be tied to such a significantly older man, especially one who's lied to you.

A friend of mine did this, and met a woman in her late thirties. They managed to have a child (through two round of IVF) in his early sixties.

I think he regrets it a bit now. He's exhausted.

For me, it wouldn't just be the lying. It's the big age gap, and the different stages in life you will be at in 10 years' time.

Because I'm a lawyer I have to be responsible for policing his behaviour? It's not a safety issue, I don't owe some kind of duty to other women on the app to the extent I need to stand over him and insist he calls customer service for the benefit of his future dates 😅I would be slightly disappointed if he was still actively dating anyway tbh, but he might well be.

This happened to me too on OLD. We are still together but I do find myself doubting things he says more than I probably would do had he not lied in the first instance. We joke about it from time to time, like how much he has aged since he met me. I wouldn't have agreed to a date had I known his true age and he knows this.

@Crumpet444 think the title is misleading - he won’t have lied about his age at work/companies house [you have to submit ID when registering, so that data is correct] so he’s done nothing sackable. It’s also not the issue here.

The issue is he lied. It may have been for vanity reasons but it may have been so the algorithms gave him access to a younger dating pool. A dating pool who have expressly ruled out dating a man in his age range when selecting their preferences. Red flag.

So a) he is a liar which is bad enough but also b) he has no respect for women as he could care less about trampling over their boundaries and ignoring their wishes. This, in my book, means he is likely to do it in other areas of his relationships. It’s catfishing and it is forcing a relationship without your true consent - you excluded men of his age from your search.

I’d not only block him immediately but I would report him to the dating app with a screenshot of his companies house data to show that he has misrepresented his age - am pretty sure that is a breach of user’s terms and conditions.

When I say sackable offence, I obviously meant in terms of dating me. Not from his job 😂 I also actually hadn't excluded men over 50. I would have thought about it more carefully but it wouldn't have been an immediate no. my exH was a lot older than me and he knows this, though obviously I was also younger at the time.

LOL sorry - am old and not heard it used in those terms 🤦🏽‍♀️

If it's the only thing he's lied about, could you handle that?
But is it?

This. Its the deception - deceiving / conning / hoodwinked every "young" woman he meets on dating apps that he is closer to their age.

It is possible to be on dating apps with your accurate age and actually find the younger / older age group you are wanting.

I have a male friend who is 58 and currently dating a younger woman (I'm not sure exactly how much younger - 38 to 45 ish).
I haven't asked him how old she is, but I might do next time I see him (if I have the opportunity).

I know that this male friend was on dating apps with an honest profile listing his age as 58 because I accidentally came across his profile whilst I was using the same app.

So how he managed to bagsy this hot younger woman is his business (lots of charm I expect). He might not have appeared in her search results - but she would have appeared in his results according to the age criteria he chose to search for.

Therefore it is possible to be honest on dating apps and find what you are looking for - and by being honest from the start gives the "datee" the choice from the start. And gives the datee no reason to distrust you and dump you later.

I think it's a young person's term!

I've read 'sack him off' here and didn't know what it was. Well, I did, but maybe it's a US import? It's not common parlance for my age group.

So 'sackable' is along the same lines!

I dated someone who was 18 years older than me when I was 34! He didn't lie about his age but didn't speak about it either.

I ended up getting quite hurt because while he said the things I wanted to hear, it turned out that he had spent many years dating, and really had no intention of ever 'settling down'. While there is nothing wrong with this, I had different dreams when I was 34 and wanted to eventually settle down and have a family. The man I dated said this is what he wanted but the relationship ended quite abruptly in the end and he said he never wanted this and loved living by himself!

First of all, of course I would google search anyone I was going on a date with, basic safety check

I think the lie is not something I’d be able to forgive. Plus, if you’re looking to marry and have children that’s really very old to be doing that again, even if he really does want that. Not a good ‘un