Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Only if they’re thick and have no integrity, raise the bar.

If he wants more kids then it's worse of a lie really unless he had told you earlier, as 6 years difference is quite alot. Sperm quality diminishes with time, albeit not as drastically as egg quality in women, so chances of a child child additional needs are higher. Then there's the less time to spend with them etc etc, just seems like if kids are on the agenda eventually then age needs to be a hard truth of all things.

I'd get a confirmation Co House is correct, there can be errors. But it is probably true. In which case that is a serious issue.

I do find it funny people on here saying he wants to "control" "much younger women" as the motivation. At 48/49 he is going to probably match to mid 30s up in to 40s. Not sure how many easily controllable women posters here know in that age category, everyone I know that age have their heads screwed on fairly well. It sounds more like he is looking for something short term with the lies, not an attempt to find a naïve 20 year old.

Have the conversation and that will help you to decide. I would bin him as the age gap would be too much for me, I would also get the ick about the lie. You don’t seem ready to end it, what is your reason for giving a second chance?

It’s actually the other way round, men’s sperm tends to diminish in quality far quicker. Just because they can have children when they’re older doesn’t mean they should.

it is a material difference in age. I don’t know if I want kids tbh. But something to consider.

If you choose to end it with him, make sure you tell him it was the lie that went past the first date that did it for you.

And if you continue seeing him, make sure you tell him you considered ending it because of the lie, and if he lies again, game over.

In every other way there has been no other red flags so far. He’s been consistent and otherwise made me feel very safe which is why this comes as a blow.

I’ve been single for a long time and I was enjoying having someone to just be ‘couple-y’ with 😞 that’s a bad reason but it’s true. I am not short of options but dating is just demoralising. And tiring.

It would definitely rub me the wrong way. It's sneaky and dishonest. Same as lying about weight or height. How did he ever think you wouldn't find out?

Quite apart from the lying age gaps matter more later, when you are 65 he will be 83......not many men that age in good shape, plenty of fit and active women in their sixties

Yeah, I couldn't think of many things worse to be honest. Being just out of my 40s, and being with a man who is 70!

If you’d lied about your age like he did and were older than you’d told him, would he be cool with it?

A 54 year old man purposely dating much younger women gives me the ick. As does a 54 year old man wanting to have a baby. He’s old enough to be a grandad! His teens might be having babies in a few years.

Nope, he sounds selfish. He’s taken away your right to choose what age range you want to date.

“Pretty girl with a fancy job thinking she’s clever putting an age limit on the men she dates. I’ll just tell her I’m younger and she’ll be too silly to notice. When she does, she’ll just accept that I know better than she does and she’ll put up with it. That’s what women do, it would be stupid of her to make a fuss about it. I have a right to choose the age of the women I want to date but she does not”

He wants the status symbols of having a young girlfriend and a baby but I’d bet my last kitkat that if you had a baby with him, you’d be doing all the child rearing, housework, and working full time. Your sprightly older man would suddenly age beyond belief and turn into a grumpy curmudgeon, your kid would grow up having to explain to his mates that the grandad who picks him up is actually his dad. He’d probably be dead or having significant health issues by the time the kid finishes university and by that point, you’ve aged beyond your years looking after an old man and a kid so you’re too knackered in your 50s to be dating a 36 year old like he did when he was in his 50s.

I am being dramatic but don't do it! Why date someone who lies about their age when there are loads of other men out there who don’t lie? If you do want to date an old man, can you not just find one that doesn’t lie?

Well in all fairness you always go for older men?

This. You'd have to be desperate to stick with a man who you find out is 2 decades older, and not just over a decade like he claimed.

Also, it's ludicrous to say 'oh but you could be a carer for someone even if they're the same age as you,' because it's waaaaay more likely if they're 20 years older!

Not always and not necessarily intentionally, but at my age it’s difficult because they’re mostly married at 35/36 ish.

OP, as a 36 year old woman who would consider dating a man in his 50s, you will not to be short of options to put it mildly. Word gets out, you'll have a queue. So you really don't need to resort to giving your precious time and the prime of your life to a liar who feels so entitled to a younger woman he will deceive to get one.

Would you have met up with him if you'd known he was 54?

Probably but knowing from the outset is different. I would have thought about it more carefully I think.

It's the arrogance of deciding for you and taking away the choice then barefaced lying on top. It probably feels more special and satisfying deceiving someone clever in the job line op is in. I'm outraged on your behalf i can't stop reading the updates!! 🩷🫶

I do get this but you have to remember you have only known him for 2 months.

That is nothing is the grand scheme of things plus it’s winter where we feel cold and lonelier and our need for comfort increases.

Obviously I am in the minority when it comes to googling people but I personally think that if something is niggling at you to make you feel the need to google him - then something’s not right.

Be careful that your loneliness isn’t overriding your gut instinct.

FWIW due to past instances of stalking (no offence to posters on this thread) I use a different name on OLD and do not give my number out until we’ve spoken for a couple of weeks at least.
I never use filters on my pics and I give my name and number out before we meet.
So I am not against white lying but it’s the fact that he’s carried it on and lied to your face that is the issue.

The lying is bad, but the motivation for it is worse - he doesn't want to attract women his own age, he wants younger ones. I'd sack him off just for that.

I disagree with you re it not being a great deal being lied to, to your face, after a direct question.
And your last quip that she should be "grateful?" or something that he lied or she wouldn´t have had the pleasure of meeting him is ludicrous. She is perfectly entitled to not want 50 year olds end of.
OP bin him. Great you followed your instincts.

I do think men that age are as likely to lie out of insecurity, as much as something manipulative or underhand. They don't think anyone will want them. Apart from the ones who delusionally believe everyone wants them.

I'm a 54 year old bloke, and I'm definitely not condoning it. But I'm also bloody glad I'm happily married, and can't imagine how decrepit I'd feel on the dating scene.

None of that excuses the lying though, and he could have at least fessed up when you initially met. He's also not right clever at being a sneak.

No red flags and now there a swastika.

It's a no from me. 54 is far too old to begin a relationship with someone who might one day [fairly soon] want children, and, even more importantly, lying about something important like this is just a deal breaker. Lastly, an 18 year age gap is a big deal. This guy could easily be in nappies whilst OP is not far out of her late prime years.

I also think he's too old. I have a teenager, and I could sleep until next Christmas frankly. I absolutely love being a dad, I'm the main parent while my wife works, but I am exhausted, and wish I'd done it sooner.