Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

He’s taken the easy way out and it’s a plus that it happened to be easier for you too.

Still a very unpleasant experience.

Listen. The OP has shown she is emotionally intelligent and did her due diligence.
She was soft and open enough to let his first action slide (when he flaked early doors)
But then within days of finding out the age inconsistencies, she called it out.
Let's give her credit.
Dating is a learning exercise.
I got a hard lesson this summer after being taken in by a narc addict who presented himself very eloquently and plausibly. I am extremely bright, smart and old enough to know better.
So is the OP.
It happens to the best of us.

Mumsnet can be nasty sometimes
theres a pile on telling you to dump someone, a lot of posters like nothing better than that. Then if you don’t dump him in exactly the way they want they get all aggressive on you.

It sounds like you have learnt from it, though. Which means you can use that knowledge to avoid similar men.

It doesn't sound like OP has, which I think is why people are still posting.

Being reluctant to make the right call and being hopeful someone isn't actually a total shit doesn't make me a weak or naive person No, it doesn't OP. It does make you prime to become the victim of a manipulator though.

What a strange thread, although I shouldn't be suprised it's gone the way of most threads these days. Pick, pick, pick at the OP, who's behaved sensibly throughout. It's just so relentless and unpleasant.

Nasty? We all said OP sounds lovely and deserves better. None of us benefit from her dumping some random bloke- what an odd take to have.

Personally I said she has so much value as a person and that she deserves better than a man who lies to her which is 💯 true. She does deserve better. They are only 2 months in for crying out loud. This isn’t a man she’s been married to for 20 years!

OP has many times on this thread expressed upset and confusion and shock that she is being treated this way by this guy. None of us want that for her and maybe it’s because we have overlooked red flags ourselves only to end up being treated like garbage as a result that we don’t want there to make a mistake.

If anything it is her family who are encouraging her to put up with crappy men that are at fault here. I cannot ever imagine telling my daughter that she was too confrontational with a man who lied to her and is old enough to be her dad and has an ex and teenage kids. I would want better for my daughter.

I don't think anyone has picked on or being particular unpleasant,posters have been supportive of her, OLD sounds a minefield and the op has sadly been caught out by a lying man which is a shame but the op found out sooner rather than later.

If you ask advice on a public forum then you are going to get different perspectives. I am not condoning anyone being mean of course, thats never ok.

But if you want an echo chamber of "there there, you did everything absolutely perfectly" then the internet/ a public forum is not the place to get that. Additionally, thats not actually that helpful because it doesnt assist you to examine where you might have gone wrong.

For comforting platitudes it's best to ask your close friends. Though for me, I like to be a little challenged sometimes because sometimes it's hard to see exactly where you might be being too lenient or allowing your emotions to carry you away. I really appreciate friends who can be gently challenging as it helps me self reflect with logic, rather than allowing my emotions to take over. Also, friends who truly care tell you the truth not just what you want to hear, and that can easily be done in a respectful manner.

I dont see anyone here being "aggressive"- being aggressive would involve things like name calling and personal insults. I dont see any of that on this thread 🤷‍♀️

I’m not wanting to join in with the pile on, but I’m intrigued by you unmatching him, were you not communicating via text? Had neither of you paused your profiles? I did read it was 2 months but only 5 meetings (I think) so maybe he just didn’t see it the same way you did.

I have no idea why men shoot themselves in the foot like this over and over and over……

Yes profiles paused but your current matches remain. So we just carried on via text but never unmatched until I did on Saturday.

@Crumpet444 i get exactly what you’re saying about family saying you over reacted.

They probably think your standards are too high, but they really aren’t.

those little red flags so often reveal bigger, darker truths. I think it’s a blessing he didn’t reply- it shows you who he is early on, and it saves you feeling conflicted.

His age is also a benefit in a way- there’s no way you can ignore this as being immature or changeable - he’s all the man he’ll ever be now.

My ExH raised a few red flags early on that I ignored- partly because he always had an answer.

I think the problem is that what you want - honesty and integrity is actually pretty rare among men still on the dating market post 35. but they are still there.

I also don’t think your boundaries are good enough- it’s just easy to second guess yourself when faced with so many duds.

@Crumpet444 correction sorry! - I meant it’s not because your boundaries aren’t good enough.

just a lot of shit men out there!

( I’m saying that as someone who is in a LTR with a lovely man- but it took ages to find him!)

You've only known eachother for 2 months and it's obvious to him that his age bothers you. Why would he contact you. I would let him go and move on. I don't know why you're hanging on. He doesn't have to give you an answer.

Right, so he lies, he’s a bit dim and he also has the emotional capacity of a Kitkat. Ghosting at 54 is just tragic!
Bullet dodged op, bullet dodged.

wtf, why are uou blaming the op who simply asked his age, rather than rhe man who lied about it. How on earth would it be obvious his age bothered her, when it doesn’t, it’s the lie that does.

ahy blame a man when you can twist it to make it the woman’s fault.

Other than a few weird answers trying ri make his lies her fault, I see the majority of the thread supporting the op, did you maybe not bother reading it?

Way too much energy on 2 months. She needs to move on. If it was a year then I would understand. It sounds like he was after sex. The op should pick herself up and move on.

Sure, but that’s not what you initially wrote.

The op has given herself to him that's why she's here. It's risky dating someone online you don't know. She wants an answer she'll be lucky.

It’s a horrible feeling when you really like someone and find out their true colours are actually a liar and a coward.

I think him cancelling and seemingly not that bothered about it, was a good warning sign.

You’re far too good for the arsehole.

You were still willing to give him a chance even when you messaged him saying you knew he was older.

You said in this thread that him ghosting you shocked you.

Someone else mentioned naivety and I go along with that.

Why would a man who's lied about his age not ghost you when you tell him you've found out.

Or were you still thinking he'd reply with a good reason for the disparity in online ages?

Like someone else said, it's your life. Not mine. Or anyone else's.

If you want people to tell you your boundaries are rock solid, that everything you did was fabulous then ask your friends.

We're total strangers on here, no one has skin in this game.

But by saying I'm nasty and not even thinking about what those of us who've pointed out your potential weakness with regards to this man have said, you're just setting yourself up to be taken in by the next manipulator and liar you come across.

I didn't say you were nasty, I said it was a bit of a horrible thing to say.

I don't agree with your opinion of me, so we'll leave it at that. I'm fine with how I handled it.

👍

Op, you’ve behaved impeccably, done everything right, from checking out the man you’re seeing and intimate with, to politely calling out what you found. I also was surprised he ghosted, don’t engage with those saying horrible things, I think sometimes people use this forum as a way to vent bad feelings they have in their own life.

well done in how you managed it, and whatever is wrong with this man, at least you found out soon enough, and dealt with it. Too many just bury red flags, accept excuses, although I know you got none here, then find themselves in bad relationships

Agree with you @Daisywhatsyouranswer , OP you have done exactly the right thing. You found out his actual age and politely challenged him on it. I bet he knew that he was punching above, you’re financially very solvent, attractive, no kids. You’re a catch. And now that you’ve caught him out he’s too embarrassed to reply. You might get a reply in a day or two asking if you’ll like your possessions back. But I would block now and move on. Disappointing but better in the long run.