Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

If you do find his profile again I would suggest reporting it. DONT second guess yourself.

Bit of a horrible thing to say - I called him out on it and haven't gone chasing after him when he hasn't responded. The info on CH could have been wrong and given everything else I had been presented about him until then it was normal and understandable to consider everything in the round. Once his real age was also corroborated in LinkedIn I acted on it and got rid.

No offense, but your family are idiots. Ignore them, and don't ignore obvious red flags in future just because they say you should.

I believe given the lack of response, his keenness in this regard was more to do with maintaining his own fantasy rather than me specifically.

With respect, you did not get rid of him. You said yourself you sent him a very polite email. You expected him to get back in touch with you. You are hurt that he has not.

You have said repeatedly on this thread that you were hoping for a genuine apology, with the strong implication that you would continue seeing him if he did.

Those are not strong boundaries. Manipulators are often skilled at very geunine sounding and remorseful apologies. Its how they maintain control and keep the woman where they want them.

I'm afraid I agree OP. You did not get rid of him. He ghosted you so he made the decision, not you.

I am not saying this to be unkind at all, but I really think if he had sent you a grovelling apology you would have given him a second chance. You also mentioned another red flag on his part earlier in the thread where you said he promised to do something with you and then didnt, and he did not apologise which upset you.

So this lie was in fact the second red flag he exhibited in only 2 months. Thats really awful for such an early relationship and it makes me sad that you dont see yourself as deserving better than this. Now you talk about your family saying you have been too confrontational when the rest of us think you havent been confrontational enough.

I wish I could make you see that your value is so much more than this, because it absolutely is.

I didn't send a 'polite email' I sent a text asking when he was planning on telling me he was 6 years older than he said. He hasn't replied and it's therefore over.

if he had any amount of respect for you, or was in any way genuine, he would have reached out. He hadn’t. It tells you exactly who he is and he is not, nor was he ever, worth your time.

I was nice in my text I wasn’t aggressive or really confrontational. I just said hoped he’d had a nice day, sorry to bring it up over text but it was bugging me, but when was he planning on telling me he is 6 years older than he said. Sad face

This is what you said. This is not getting rid of someone. You literally say yourself in your above post that, 'he hasn't replied and therefore its over.' I.e, if he had replied it might not be over. You have strongly indicated that you were hoping for an apology that would enable you to keep seeing him. Above poster has also called it right. He ended it by ghosting you. He made the decision, not you.

I am not saying this to be mean. But to help you see that your boundaries are not where you think they are. This man has shown quite a number of red flags. From what you say about your family, it may be that you have not have good boundaries modelled, or had your attempts at boundaries undermined by them. Whatever the reason, your boundaries are not as strong as you seem to believe, and I am not the only person on this thread who has noticed this.

I agree with the PP. Text, email, doesn't matter which. You gave him an opening for an apology/excuse and are upset he didn't take it.

I'm being completely honest when saying in your shoes I would have simply written a message breaking up with him. I may or may not have told him why, but I'd be clear with myself that there's just no point being with someone who lies to your face.

It seems your family are maybe a bad influence when it comes to maintaining boundaries? Perhaps stop confiding in them and listen to a straight-talking friend instead.

If he had thought he could manipulate her with an apology he would have also 'reached out'. An apology would not have been proof he is a good man worth keeping.

Agree. @Crumpet444 it sounds like your family/upbringing have made you not trust your own judgement, so it's kind of understandable. Maybe 2026 could be the year you work on your boundaries and self belief?

I don’t really agree with this. @Crumpet444 OP, it’s quite normal to seek more information or ask questions even if you’re definitely planning to get rid of the person. He may even have taken a ‘when were you planning to tell me this’ text as a clear precursor to dumping or even an actual dumping - lots of people would see this as a rhetorical question and think ‘well, that’s that then’ and not bother responding.

You’re a barrister so, if you don’t mind me making an assumption, probably someone who prefers maximum information before making decisions even if that information gathering is basically dotting the ‘i’s and crossing the ‘t’s. Call it professional curiosity. It’s just the way some people’s minds work (I’m one of those people, so can understand).

Worrying too much about the technicalities of who dumped who here is immaterial if the OP was always intending to get rid. It doesn’t matter. It reminds me on when I was twelve and sent my friend to dump my boyfriend of two weeks for me (as you did!). Unbeknownst to me, he had simultaneously sent his friend to dump me and there was much consternation when his friend got to me first! Hilarious to look back on now, but at the time I did actually care that I hadn’t got in there first!

I agree too. I am surprised you gave him so many chances OP.

Had he responded I may well have still chosen to get rid - but the response would have given me more information. Taking full accountability and apologising and explaining whilst accepting I may well still not want to be with him as a result, would have been information, as would denial or minimising it, or as we have here, a complete refusal to even engage. I would have had to have considered that in light of all the other information I have which is more than anyone else on this thread.

I can have boundaries and still take time to consider all of that information and act without just being reactive. I can see how the whole thing started off with a stupid lie on a profile to increase matches and then snowballed from there. But now that he has reacted by just ignoring me, it makes the deception more likely to have been intentional and more likely there were other lies, because it was the fantasy rather than me he was interested in.

yes this is exactly it, and wrote my previous post before reading this! I do take time to consider all the information before reacting but I don't think that means a blanket statement of I have weak or no boundaries is true.

I didn't really give him 'loads of chances', I found out on Wednesday evening he had potentially lied about his age given the info on CH, verified on LinkedIn Friday evening and then messaged him about it straight away thereafter.

Lying about his age was always intentional.

A master manipulator could well go for "taking full accountability and apologising and explaining" while still lying through his teeth. Words are cheap.

Giving multiple chances is how people get trapped in unhappy or even abusive relationships.

ETA: by multiple chances I mean you knew there was something off about his age on the first date but accepted his explanation. Then he also promised something and didn't follow through. Then you found his real age online and were willing to still go on another date with him. Only when you saw his LinkedIn profile did you finally send a text, still giving him a clear opening to apologise and keep the relationship going.

But you posted earlier he had done something that upset you. Then you found out about the lying. Then most of us said it was a red flag and you did defend him. Then he ghosted you and you said you were really shocked and very upset.

I totally get being upset but is it really such a shock that a man who has already lied to you would then ghost you? This shows a pattern of poor behaviour on his part. There comes a point where having more information is pointless if someone is treating you badly.

I think you liked him so much you really wanted to find any reason to not let him go and the fact he has taken that decision out of your hands is what has really shook you

But this poster said, Worrying too much about the technicalities of who dumped who here is immaterial if the OP was always intending to get rid And you yourself are clear that you were NOT always intending to get rid. You state openly that ' Had he responded I may well have still chosen to get rid* In other words, you were still hoping he could win you around. The door was still open.

You are hurt that he has not sought to win you around.

There is no ' reasonable genuine' reason he could give you for lying to your face. There is no apology you should accept. All there is is bullshit that he could spout to get you back on side.

I won't repeat all the many red flags from this man that you have ignored or sought to minimise. They are have well articulated by posters throughout this thread. Whatever, its your life. You are free to waste it on a manipulator if you wish. And its very clear that you are in a psychological state that makes you vulnerable to a manipulator, and that you do not wish to learn from this experience so that you can avoid such a man if you meet one again.

the previous thing was that he had invited me somewhere and then had to cancel which is fine, but the apology felt like a bit of a 'non-apology' so I took note but in the wider context it seemed like it might have been an overreaction to immediately dump, though that was my instinct, potentially based on other things I may have been picking up on subconsciously.

It is a bit of shock he ghosted, in the context of how else he has generally treated me which has been intentional and caring at least from what I could see. He is also a fully grown man with an important 'big' job, so just from a general perspective, I'm not really sure how he has gone through life not taking accountability for mistakes when called out. It's not an ego thing for me as in, oh how dare he reject / ghost me, and me being upset the decision was taken out of my hands. I could quite easily have not addressed it, and actually had I addressed it in person, he would have more easily been able to wheedle his way out of it, and given we would have been out I would have been tempted to smooth it all over. I think texting was therefore the right call.

Because he hasn't treated me badly 'generally' I did need to consider it in the context of that and how far him lying tipped that in favour of, he's now treated me badly enough to dump him. I get that for some people that's an immediate bin, for me I just wanted to consider everything before reacting. Having thought about it, I lost a lot of respect for him and so continuing on that basis even if he had apologised probably would have been a waste of time anyway.

I actually never defended the lying, I was providing more context in regards to him generally and the relationship overall, and why I was considering it all in the round. I have not once said that lying is ok. I can see how it all originated but I didn't say it was fine he lied. It isn't.

And that’s ok. We’re all human. The person he seemed to be in real life didn’t tally with the lying and evasion and final ghosting. OP experienced cognitive dissonance between the two. It’s hard when someone turns out to be so completely different from how they appeared. But it can happen to anyone.

So many excuses, OP! So much denial!

I'm glad he ghosted you, because you would only continue to make excuses, sorry, I mean state valid reasons, for keeping on with him.

As others have said, you need to look at those oh so strong boundaries that you think you have. But you won't because you think you're right and everyone else is wrong.

and also, I accept I probably would have been reluctant to end it if he had apologised but more so because I am just completely exhausted from having to be the one with standards and calling this shit out and then constantly having to make the strong, and right choice. Not because I think that's how I should be treated or have weak boundaries, but because I do have strong boundaries and as a result I am constantly having to do this. It's why I've been single for 5 years.

He's actually made it easier for me by ghosting so whilst shocking, there is that advantage.

You're entitled to believe that (based on one thread!) but I maintain that taking time to consider all angles is not the same as having no boundaries. Being reluctant to make the right call and being hopeful someone isn't actually a total shit doesn't make me a weak or naive person.