Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Yep. Sackable offence and a red flag.

For one thing, the fact that he's shaved off so many years indicates he wants someone younger than himself, and that's important to him. Just think about that will mean for you when you age.

Secondly, by lying about this, he's disrespected you from day 1. Not a good sign, is it?

@CamillaMcCauley and oh yes I think the fact he has ghosted means he actually potentially thought it was a bigger deal than I initially did! Which makes me suspect it was intentional and I was probably deceived about other things.

To me it’s not a red flag that you’ve chucked men early on - as your family seem to think. It’s actually easy to tell when someone is definitely not right. It’s better not to waste time on definite nos.

More likely he's ghosted you because he's been a complete fool and knows it and a lot of men can't deal with that.

I don't think there's any way back now, and I probably wouldn't stay with a liar, but there's every possibly that he did it thinking "I'll tell her tomorrow" , then found out he really cared for you and was too afraid to lose you.

I'm not convinced he was using you in any way.

im genuinely really stunned he’s ghosted you. What an utter odd ball. Lying about his age, lying, I’m positive, about wanting another baby, then running away when found out he’s a liar as it’s so embarrassing. Rather than just deal with it.

keep a watch on the dating apps, he will be back on shortly, still lying, still trying to find younger women.

Of course he was using her. Pulling a woman 20 years your junior is a massive ego boost to a man at the other end of middle age!

The main pull, which is a disgusting reason these men seek out younger women, is the fact in most scenarios the body of a 36 year old childless woman is very different to that of a 56 year old woman, who is/isn’t a mother.

I’m glad OP called him out. He would not want his own daughter to be treated this way.

As an older woman I continue to be surprised that people women are outraged that men like to be with younger women.

It doesn't mean that they can't genuinely care for/about them.

Older woman/younger man "good for her!"

Older man younger woman "dirty old trophy hunter!"

I unmatched with him so he probably took that as a rejection in any event, although I did give him quite a long time to respond beforehand. I am also really surprised. I'm also being told by family I was too confrontational and that we don't know how 'he is perceiving it' so now I am just second guessing myself.

If I had been caught out in a lie that got a bit out of hand, something I'd had on my profile and then just not corrected, I would literally have replied instantly with an apology. I don't understand some people.

Yes, and I'm continually surprised by the internalized mysogyny among women from my generation and women older than me.
Men like the OP's ex are vile.

Er, did you miss the part where he lied to her face about his age to date her? and when she called him out on it he ghosted her....

I dont think that shows "genuine care". If thats your idea of care I dread to think what the opposite might be

I think you missed the whole point of the thread, it is not about age gap. It’s about the fact he lied.

OP- you seem very influenced by the thoughts of your family which surprises me a little. You are a barrister - you know right from wrong and would have studied ethics and morality in the context of both social norms and the actual law of the UK.

There is no way on earth anyone could accuse you of being too confrontational- this idiot lied to you FGS. Then he ghosted you.

Deep down you must know what this says about his character. Stop letting your family second guess yourself.

I learned as a teenager many years ago that alcohol & common sense reasoning does not work, the young woman must have had pre meditated thoughts about the man & alcohol gave her the courage to act on the thoughts.

No, we've all dealt with that above and I've stated twice that I would not stay with a liar. I was responding only to the one post about older men/ younger women.

I’m annoyed for you op. The fact he lied and there is a huge age difference. That feels quite perverted. Clearly he has issue with his age but he has pretended to be something he isn’t. The only advice I would give is I kind of threw away some rules with online dating. I took a risk and it paid off, the healthiest relationship. I know financially it may be hard being a high earner but there is plenty of people who earn ok and are decent honest people. Sometimes it’s best not to ask others opinions too form your own.

I am talking about the general principle and the outrage expressed in the post I quoted, not this particular partnership which has clearly run its course.

Is Joan Collins also vile? Brigit Macron?

The lie was the problem, not the age gap.

Brigit Macron is a bit vile.

Yeah I agree with you, your family simply didn’t have your back here, he lied, to your face, likely lied about other stuff and ghosted you, before you unmatched.

whomever in your family thinks this is acceptable needs some lessons in how not to be a doormat.

Stop letting your family influence your dating life. That's the second time you've mentioned them making you feel unsure about a dickhead man. You're obviously an intelligent woman, you should trust your own opinion more.

You’ve got to stop listening to your family. Are they rather naive? Their bizarre perspective certainly shouldn’t make you second guess anything. Mute them in your head and move forward.

For what it’s worth i think he’s embarassed he was caught out.

there is something ick about a man who deliberately sets his age as lower on a dating profile and then approaches younger women, or to attract younger women,

there is something ick about then lying about it to thr woman’s face.

it tells you it is vanishingly unlikely this man wants more children at 54, when he already has teens, so you know he lied there as well, thinking as you’re younger it’s what you want to hear.

he wasn’t that desperate to be with you, otherwise he’d have tried to excuse it, it was just sex with a younger woman and the fantasy he was creating for himself

you won’t be the first. There will be others after you.

and you can assume he’s lied about other stuff. My guess would be irs about how or why his marriage ended,

I'm only surprised that anyone is surprised that he never got back in touch!

Heads up, don't be surprised of he pops up again in a couple of weeks/months as if nothing has happened.

Hopefully he won't, your boundaries aren't as amazing as you think they are, OP, given everything you've shown us about yourself on this thread.

OP, he manufactured a deliberate lie. There may well be more lies and deceits that you are not aware of.

He may not have responded because it means you have been checking up on him, and as a liar who wants to maintain control, someone who does that won't suit him.

Or he is waiting to construct his abject apology and try to win you over again. Which is also about control. And if it succeeds, it means you have a personality which suits a manipulative liar. Throughout this thread it is been clear that you are very keen to believe any apology he offered you. So from a liar's point of view, you have seemed like a good mark. I hope you if he does come crawling and asking for forgivenness, you have the self-esteem to bin him off.

Manipulative people often come across well. That is their whole thing.

I am, genuinely surprised, the op said he seemed really desperate to be with her and to impress her, so I’d have thought he’d try to minimise it, make a joke of it, or explain it away, not just ghost.