Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Which means that (viz my long post a couple if hours ago) re people not shaving one year off their age of the dating apps:

1. When he set up his dating app profile he tried to shave 5 years off his age. As he was lowering himself from a 1971 baby to a 1976 baby he thought "no big deal - it's only 5 years and still part of the same decade".

(if I tried to lower my age on any apps I would have to change decade as I'm a 1968 baby - I would have to move myself into the 1970s - but I've never done so.)

1. Unfortunately he didn't think through what would happen when the app reaches his birthday and it automatically clicks over to the new age. His pretend age when he joined the app was 48 ...... this was very short sighted of him especially as he arranged a date on his actual birthday - he should have thought in advance about what would happen.

1. Instead of fessing up the first time you met him the first opportunity you gave him he doubled down on the lie and actually made it worse - he now shaves another year off his age because he doesn't want to be the pretend age of 49.

He now lies to you saying that he is 48 today -- thus implicitly lying that he was born in 1977 and that he was 47 the day before he met you and that he had therefore weirdly and randomly shaved one year off his age on the dating app when he set uo his profile. (Which is rubbish and no-one ever does accidentally.)

I know when I'm scrolling the year buttons on apps, yes it's awkward and I might get slightly frustrated if it lands on 1967 or 1969 instead of where I need it to be (1968). You get 2 or 3 chances to confirm or "go back". I always correct it. I don't want to be a 1967 baby or 1969 baby - they are not my people (lol). I feel a special kinship with my fellow 1968 babies.

1. So instead of coming clean on the first date when given the chance and saying "oh yes silly me I was trying to be 5 years younger" ..... he doesn't say that .... he doesn't even confirm that the app is correct when it clicks over to 49 (his pretend age) .... he now shaves another year off his age - Mr Wants To Be 48 Forever !!!

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1. His "simple" lie to try and shave 5 years off his age now becomes complex because:

● he has now shaved 6 years off his age

● you were 36 and thought he was 48 when you met (ie. that he was 12 years older than you)

● but all the time he was 18 years older than you and he was an adult when you were born.

WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN AT FIRST WE ATTEMPT TO DECEIVE.

Oh I’m sorry. How fucking disappointing.

Dust yourself down and then get back out there. You are a catch, this is his loss.

yeah, I mean he's probably freaking out a bit. The response will tell me everything but probably won't be tonight.

I meant that it’s fucking disappointing that it’s now definitive that he’s lied. Twice. Once on his profile and then to your face. Why do so many men have to be lying shits? I was really hoping for you that it was all just a misunderstanding.

Regardless of what his explanation is, you should move on. Who wants all these lies and games so early on? Life’s too short!

This is an excellent breakdown!

I would hire you to be a private investigator - top notch sleuthing

Unfortunately this is one of the reasons why men my age (57 going on 58) don't want to date women the same age:

● We've had too many years of their Bullshit

● We call it out on day one.

● We Google / LinkedIn / 192.com / social media / companies house / Court circular and criminal records check them out before the first date.

● They can't get away with their flim flam bullshit with women their own age - we see right through it. We've had too many years of being messed about / let down / lied to.

They want to date 35 year old women not only because of youth and beauty but because the younger ladies are less jaded by decades of bullshit men.

I wouldn’t have even contacted him about it. I would have simply finished things. He’s a liar. That’s all there is to it. He’s 18 years older than you and he’s tried to say he’s 12 years older. That’s a very material difference.

And if he’s told this lie, I wonder what else is a lie. His wife cheating on him perhaps.

Just get rid.

You said earlier that you would see whether he manned up and dealt with his lie before you decided whether or not to stay with him.

I think you need to raise your bar! The LIE is the problem, not the "manning up" and confessing and apologising and promising never to do it again. A decent man would never have lied in the first place.

If you read the updates you’ll see I messaged him.

Has he still not responded op? I actually find that rude, it takes two seconds to respond with will give you a call tomorrow. This is his bad, it’s the least he can do. It’s one thing to lie on the app, crappy as doing it to meet younger women, but a whole other thing to then lie to your face. And then not respond to the text even to acknowledge it. He will respond, but really, at 54 he should be able to do better than this.

Nope nothing, which I think is pretty shit tbh. I get he may be thinking about what to say but you can always ask to call someone at a later time to talk. I was nice in my text I wasn’t aggressive or really confrontational. I just said hoped he’d had a nice day, sorry to bring it up over text but it was bugging me, but when was he planning on telling me he is 6 years older than he said. Sad face 😅

no answer!

Well he's been caught out.

So many issues here.
You've dodged a barefaced liar and an elderly care burden.
There's likely to be a much younger fitter man out there for you next year, who will be a great match and better able to (ahem) keep up with you well into the future.

I’ve been single for 5 years. I’m getting so fed up. It’s not as though I am a terrible prospect either I don’t think, far from it.

he may have had a chance of fixing it had his reaction been good but that is now becoming vanishingly unlikely because it’s now been over 12 hours and he just let me go to sleep on it. Just makes me feel like crap. I know it’s a relatively small thing and it wasn’t a long time but the first time I had liked someone for literally years.

why do they do it.

I’m sorry. He’s gone to ground because he’s sprung and he knows it.

It does show the value of high expectations though. If you’d just binned him after first discovering the incongruity, you wouldn’t be sitting around feeling bad now. Lying is just a hard flush right away. It never stands alone, it’s always a character sign once people are past their silly early 20s.

It’s not a small thing though op. It’s actually quite a big thing. It turns it into a signficant age gap, and he lied to your face. Choosing to be with a man nearly two decades older is absolutely fine. Being scammed into it is not. And if this relationship was to become serious, then as said earlier, you’re facing being with someone knocking on 70 when you turn fifty, that’s a big deal you should get to decide on.

and I suspect he also lied about wanting kids, it is vanishingly unlikely to be the case. He just thought it would make him more appealing to uou and that’s what younger women want.

he also lied to your face when asked his age directly and is now ignoring you till he decides he will respond. Hoping you will regret sending it and panic, as you want to be with him so bad. Or he is so panicked he would rather hide,and isn’t thinking of you.

overall it’s not a small thing at all. The fact this man lies to easily is probably a key reason he’s single. I’d even be wondering if it’s true his wife cheated or he’s lying sbout that and it was him. Or why she cheated.

God to be honest I think you have dodged an enormous bullet. 18 years older is an absolute crevasse. I know people do it but I have no idea why. The idea that someone would deliberately lie to put you in that situation without your consent is horrible.

@Crumpet444 I hope your are ok. I suspect you've seen and heard the last of him.
He can't really answer the question because he simply had no intention of telling you he was 5 years older.

I hope you haven't spend loads on him for Christmas? And at least have receipts.

Take care of yourself

Thank you - No, I was going to buy him something and he'd actually offered to get me a really generous present which I actually really needed. I could have been calculating and stayed until I had it 😂but damn having principles is a shame sometimes! I can't pretend I don't know.

Well said. I am sorry OP but this is the truth. It wasnt a small thing. He lied about a fundamental aspect of who he is as a person to get you to go out with him. As to why he did it- a combo of insecurity and arrogance, clearly. He didnt think he could get you if he told you the truth, so he lied to get what he wanted. It was always about him and what he wanted and never about you or your feelings.

Think about how much time you have spent fretting about this and being sad about it and even now, he's ignoring you knowing this has likely upset you. All this time you have been sad and confused about his age he has likely been getting on with his life as usual, carefree whilst spouting that BS about how honesty is sooo important to him.

If he has lied about this so freely, its highly likely he has lied about other things too, like the reason he split with his ex.

You are well rid of him - he is a piece of shit.

I will add that I did get "conned" by men - conned into dating married men against my wishes twice in my 40s.

After those two experiences I became more Internet tech detective savvy. I also insist on knowing their full name before a date, and ideally date of birth as well (if it's possible to bring up astrology in a convo or something) - although this strategy obviously won't work if they have made up a date of birth.

(01) The first married con man I met on a dating site - online dating. He had his status listed as either separated or divorced. His name was "Louis" so quite unusual for an English guy. We met for one date (drinks) which turned into 4 or 5 hours of chatting and laughing over drinks. He was extremely charming. Also I thought there was a special connection between us as it seemed like we could talk for hours - and he kept making me laugh.

However, I have learned that seasoned conmen have "reels" of patter. They know how to make people laugh, they know how to make people comfortable and they know how to find topics of conversation that hit the right spot with their current audience. Some of them are like exceptional charming sales men.

Whether they can keep up the illusion of special chemistry conversation for a 2nd date, 3rd date, 5th date, weeks I don't know ...... usually they will have moved things to physical arousal by the 2nd or 3rd date, so perhaps after that point hours of conversation becomes unnecessary.

Also, I found later in life a female chum I thought I might have a special bond with the first time we had a chat -- didn't really have that connection beyond the first meeting. She was a fellow tenant in a building I was living in a few years back. Unfortunately after our first tea and biscuits chinwag (which was great - laughter and convo flowing) I found that there was no other connection and nothing else to talk about. Sometimes what appears to be a special connection can be fleeting and illusionary.

(01) Anyway "Louis" had not told me his surname whilst chatting on the dating app but at some point during the date, he told me his full name. Obviously after the date I found him on Facebook and Instagram with lots of current photos doing couply things with his wife (like cooking in the kitchen together).

So Louis had a family home with 6 kids 200 miles away from Croydon but he had business in Croydon. So guess what? He was not only looking for a bit of tasty part time Croydon Crumpet for his days (and nights) in town, he was also looking for a lady with accommodation to keep his expenses and hotel bills down !!!!

At the time I had a very nice flat very close to East Croydon train station. A purpose built very large spacious apartment in a block (google Harrington Court, Altyre Road, Croydon). Mega convenient for him - my apartment was sandwiched between two of Croydon's premier hotels used for business functions !!!

Louis was also a millionaire with several successful businesses - but a penny pinching millionaire keen to save a few hundred pounds a week on hotel expenses by shagging a local lady with accommodation instead.

Obviously Louis thought that once he had wined and dined a lady on one date, and she googled him (millionaire with several businesses - check ✔️) and who he was on Facebook (Louis Whatsit Face ✔️) the datee would know that he was married - but that she would be soooooo bowled over by his charming personality and laughter, and the thought of being wined and dined and treated by a millionaire, that any datee would be happy to be the part time mistress / Croydon Crumpet.

Unfortunately that was not how I reacted. Also, the idea that Louis the millionaire would "treat" and spoil his mistress is also ludicrous - because he was so tight with money he was trying to find a lady with accommodation rather than pay for hotel rooms 3 nights a week in Croydon !!!

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(02) The second married man who managed to con me into dating a married man was via Facebook. Not Facebook dating but some local Croydon community Facebook group. (I was still living in Croydon in the same flat at this point.)

Well, this connection appeared to be better at first - because I already knew the man's full name and profile from Facebook.

I dated him for 6 weeks (this did unfortunately include sex) before finding another shag buddy of his leaving too many comments and likes on his Facebook posts.

Now, me and the "other" woman ended up having a long convo via Facebook messenger.

It turned out she had been the "other" woman longer than me and she knew more about his situation than me.

(02) It turned out that Mr Dick was still married and his wife was one of his friends on Facebook. However, he didn't have his status as married or linked to his wife in any way (and it was not his wife putting lots of likes and comments on his Facebook posts - it was all his other girlfriends).

^ This deceptive Facebook status was entirely deliberate and his wife was fully aware - not only that he kept his status looking like a "single / separated" man, but that he had lots of shag buddies all over the UK. (He was a scaffolding contractor who would get sent to different towns and cities to erect scaffolding.)

The wife didn't care as long as the money kept rolling in (and expensive holidays abroad with the kids).

^ At one point during the 6 weeks that I knew him he posted some stupid Facebook meme from a "Separated Dads" group - thinking about all the Dads out there not seeing their sons today 😪🥰🫨 **

** and lots of his lady friends / admirers left heart emojis or comments underneath about "thinking of you" or "hugs" or "hugs my friend" etc etc. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

^ and his wife saw all of this and just turned a blind eye. (Actually she might have unsubscribed from his Facebook feed so that she wouldn't see all his nonsense posts - remaining connected to him and their children on Facebook was simply for contact purposes and to keep all the Family people on Facebook connected.)

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So, apologies for the long diversion on somebody else's thread - but this is why I know men lie (and lie and lie and lie) ..... and then lie some more to cover themselves.

and is also why I became an amateur intenet detective !!! 😅

@RavenFinch yep and this is exactly why its sensible and wise to find out as much as you can via social media and online.

Thank goodness for the internet because without it, there would be so many lies we wouldnt know about

A lot of men really think that women are so credulous, adoring and ready to believe anything they say that they simply do not think you're clever or inquiring enough to check out what they say. If you do, it's your fault for being <mumble mumble>. They have a right to do it because otherwise they won't get what they want and what they want overrides all.

It's sheer entitlement at the end of the day and a feeling that his wants override yours and you shouldn't object to this.

As an attractive, well earning mid 30s woman who is open to dating older men, you'll be knee deep in offers so I wouldn't worry about that. I really really do advise sticking closer to your age, though. The age thing really does catch up.

This. I know it hurts, OP, but he's just shown you exactly who he is. You will be grateful when you're over the difficult emotions.

@RavenFinch Thanks for sharing, though it's so depressing the lengths they will go to. I don't know how they do it. If something feels off or there is some kind of dishonesty I am literally compelled to address it so I can't understand how people lie about their entire lives sometimes.

I think no response is the response now sadly, over 12 hours is enough time. Not even a, sorry I'll get back to you properly once I get a moment. You would think by 54 he would have more maturity. It's not like I lost my shit at him or anything, I was pretty calm about it.

109% - I met a guy at a bar last Saturday. Attractive, articulate, funny friendly and someone I was definitely interested in seeing again.

I checked his SM and his entire FB is sharing Reform and Tommy Robinson links 😱

He messaged me on Monday but I didn’t respond - no point now I know what I know.

Doing a bit of due diligence is essential and so much easier these days