Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

It always makes me laugh how younger MN who date or marry much older men insist their 58 year old Nigel is so fit and sprightly that he’s often mistaken for 35. Yeah, by someone with cataracts! And they insist they just look like a normal couple when they’re out on dates. No, he looks like your dad and anyone who does happen to notice you thinks “ah that’s nice he’s taken his daughter out for dinner”.

And yes, I agree with pp, all these men who insist “age is just a number” would be horrified at the thought of dating someone 20 years older than them.

If you told him you’re actually 54 yourself, would he be cool with it? I know that’s unlikely to be believable but you can see where I’m going with this.

The lie is a red flag, MN relationship board is full of women who ignored the red flag at the start of a relationship.

To be fair, I have noticed on here, no matter how young or attractive the woman, if she chats to some mumsnettrr husbands it means she is absolutely willing to shag him. No thought id given to his troll like appearance, it is like some people really do think if they are willing to shag him so must ever single other woman who catches sight of him. Which is rather comical as many of them would rather not shag their own husbands in the first place.

but yup, they are all bloody gorgeous and any woman they want is theirs for the taking.

He didn’t! You now have me wondering if CH made a mistake because surely no one would be that hypocritical.

I don’t think I could quite pass for his daughter!

You're 18 years younger than him.

It would be unusual for someone to have a child so young, but it's certainly possible.

And it's not like anyone is going to come up to you and say 'Why are you going out with this geezer?' But they may very well be thinking it, however youthful and vigourous you might like to think he appears.

I think it’s quite clear at this stage that his dating profile was absolute bullshit…

Yeah no I totally agree. I have been thinking about that. If I want a relatively short term thing, nice dates, holidays, and some fun then providing he owned up to it without prompting or at the very least took full accountability when asked, then it’s probably not a complete deal breaker.

If I genuinely see him as a future husband then the age takes on more weight in my decision making and also whether not this is a fundamental character flaw.

to be honest I think right now it’s too early to tell. I also haven’t come off the app - not actively dating but I haven’t closed myself off from the opportunity of meeting someone else entirely yet.

Yeah it is pretty cringe.

god it would be funny if it was wrong and I’ve been going through all this turmoil for nothing 😂

If you’re not yet off the apps, please go on dates with other men. It might help you realise there are other men out there who present as lovely, kind, intelligent, sexy, and all the things you’re wanting. You seem to have got into a scarcity mindset that if you dump this man then you won’t find anyone else as nice as him when actually you’ll probably find someone even better who doesn’t lie.

I am going to stick up for him, however, as it’s probably true that honesty is important to him. He probably does value honesty and expect a partner to be completely honest with him - it’s just that he doesn’t value honesty in himself.

He chose the words in his profile, he chose the age to list himself as. He chose to lie on his profile and he chose to lie to your face. That says a lot about his character.

He has a lot more money than I do.
That's as maybe. But you'll still end up with an old man who can't keep up with you sexually. And you'll be looking after a pensioner.

It’s not about money. It’s about older men who want a younger woman to cook clean and wipe their arse when they enter their dotage.

Though if you’re working after they retire, that’s a bonus tick for them as you can supplement their pension

Why don't you think you could pass for his daughter? By your own account, he passes for 48 and you pass for mid 20s, and get ID'd when buying alcohol. That is absolutely old enough to be your Dad territory. People will absolutely notice your age difference.

As for him saying ' he values honesty'. That is code for, ' I don't want a woman who is shagging around on me'. The honesty does not, as you have discovered, have to flow from him to you.

This is true. I think honest/dishonest is actually a pretty binary thing. Okay, sure, everyone tells white lies from time to time, but they are to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.

My belief these days is that as soon as you catch someone in a lie that has been generated for their benefit and your potential loss, it’s a red light. Do not proceed.

Someone who is prepared to lie for their own benefit won’t be just doing it as a one-off. The number of things that my ex lied about and hid was, in the end, truly mind-boggling. And I don’t think most people would think he is a liar as he comes across in many ways as a decent guy. You have to be close to him for quite a long time before you are able to see behind the very well constructed facade.

That makes me even more sure that it could be an error on CH. All it takes is for a company secretarial paralegal to make a typo on the form and there you go. If it was a 7 day directorship then there would be no opportunity to change it. I doubt anyone even noticed, if it was an error.

And actually, if you think about the dates we’re talking about I.e. 1971 vs 1977, they could easily be read incorrectly on a hand written form.

All the more reason to text him now and put this to bed. It’s quite absurd to draw it out. Why do you want to spend all that time wondering when you could just know now?

I really want you to be right!

You can easily verify his age. Go on to the GRO website and proceed as though you're ordering a birth certificate. You'll need his name at birth, date of birth and place of birth. If you have successfully found someone, it will put the item in your shopping basket to buy the certificate. If details are wrong (eg incorrect year), it will come up with nothing. You don't have to actually commit to buying the certificate.

He wasn’t born in the UK, so not sure this would work, but thank you.

I’d prefer to see his reaction IRL, easier for him to continue to lie over text or not show genuine remorse if he does apologise.

Thing is though... when his friends meet you, they are all going to be thinking one thing. That you are a gold-digger.

Also - his nationality is wrong on there tbf. Not sure if that’s a big deal.

Except my job is known for being very well paid so I am not too concerned about that. Yes he out earns me but I doubt someone would necessarily jump to that conclusion once they know what I do, certainly not as the sole reason I would be with him.

Is it too soon to go for a weekend away with him to somewhere in Europe? (Which gives you the opportunity to sneak a peak at his passport...)

It's not that simple. Because both you @Franpie and @Crumpet444 are forgetting and overlooking the first age problem that happened on his birthday (go back to page one - second paragraph of @Crumpet444 's original thread):

"First date was actually on his birthday which I didn't realise until the day itself. He said he was 48 on his birthday but the app changed to 49..... He said he was 48..... I assumed it was an error on the app."

It is never an error on the app.

When you join any dating app you don't fill in a box stating your age (e.g 48 or 49 or 54) .... you fill in your date of birth (or whatever fictional date of birth you have invented if you are Walter Mitty / Billy Liar) - a specific day, date, month, and year.

So there is already a question mark regarding his "official" dating profile date of birth being 1976 or 1977.

He obviously entered 1976 when he set up his profile - hence why the app clicked over to the age of 49 on his birthday.

1. Why would a man (or anyone) want to randomly add an extra year to their online profile? Answer: they don't. Any man (or woman) who wants to appeal to a different age crowd is going to alter their age by at least 5 years.

1. Why would someone get it wrong whether they were born in 1976 or 1977 and what age that birth year makes them on their birthday? Answer: only Walter Mitty / Billy Liar who had come up with the date as a fictional birth date and therefore does not mentally compute how old they are as easily and naturally as someone actually born in either 1976 or 1977.

1. So if, say, his actual date of birth is 1971 but he was trying to shave 5 years off his age (to get under the 50 barrier to appeal to young, fit, hot women most of whom don't want to date men over 50) .... he took 5 years off his age - put his date or birth as 5 years later (i.e. 1976 instead of 1977) ..... but he forgot what would happen on his "birthday" - the day of his "official" dating profile birthday.

1. What if Companies House is wrong but either (a) the person you found on CH born in 1971 is not related to him at all; or (b) the date on CH is wrong - but should actually be 1961 ??????

I think this man lied to you on your first date which is allegedly his birthday. (Might not be - might just be a pretend made up birthday for the dating app). Most of us treat our birthday as a "special" day and would be more likely to open up on that day.

This man chose his birthday and your first date to lie to you that he had been 47 the previous day and had just turned 48 on the day you met. **

** This cannot be the case - he would not have willingly made himself one year older on a dating app.

He could not have been 47 the previous day because he would have needed to have selected either 1977 or 1978 as his birth year when he set up his dating profile.

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I think you need to work backwards from the first date - this is where the lie emanates from.

Ignore Companies House (well not completely but park that information for now) ...... I think you need to see this man's driving licence.

Or his nationality is different to what he’s told you.

If you know his address, try doing a smart search