Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Batshit. The same as a poster who said further back in the thread that she is 72, but has the energy of a 50 year old (or something similar..) as an excuse for people to lie about their age and make out they're 15-20 years younger on dating websites. Duh, you're still 72. Your body is 72, your mind/brain is 72, your heart is 72, your breasts and vulva (or penis and balls if you're a man!) are 72, and even if you think you look much younger, your face is 72 too. And you will look your age. (Within 4-5 years.) Everyone does.

It's disgusting to lie about your age and deceive people into thinking you're younger.

A woman I know (who is 43, and was 42 at the time) was dating a man she met on a website (this was last year,) and he said he was 54. A little older than she wanted, but she liked him, and he was good looking. Only thing was, he did look a little 'rough around the edges' like deep lines in his face, and deep wrinkles. She said he looked almost as old as her dad in some ways (her dad was 66.) This man didn't seem too fussed about having sex either (which is odd for any man!)

Long story short, she discovered, after 2-3 months of dating him, that he was actually 68!!!

She did end it. She said, she's only in her early 40s, she's not wasting her life with a man who will possibly need a carer in about 7 years! He was back on the website the following week, still claiming he was 54! Still searching for that carer eh Keith?!

You said we all want OP to be alone LOL. Have your read the thread?- we have been saying OP can do better. Noone wants her to be alone - thats your projection, we want her to find someone who hasnt been lying to her for the last 2 months.

If your really think thats all she is worth (or women in general are worth) then I am sad for you

Hmm yeah this... ^ @Crumpet444 You do seem to be keen on defending this man who is a liar, and almost certainly lazy and sexist. Not much of a catch. Raise your bar!

Yup and how long could he keep a new pretence up and lie to OP’s face. And about what? What else is an acceptable lie? Not to OP - to him. Seemingly anything that he can just about pull off, that gets him what he wants.

It is certainly not the norm for young women to 'target' older men.

Young women do not fancy older men.

Yep, you're right. I DID say that was all she was worth. Right after I only read one of OPs posts.

Too right. I had lots of older men ask me out in my 20s. I said no to all of them. I did not find them remotely attractive at that age and I found them a bit gross

I was a bit 'hmm' about the 18 year age gap (different life stages), and the blatant face to face lie, but then you said you look a lot younger than your 36 years. That makes it worse in some way as he's now a 54yo man with a gf who looks maybe 30. I'm assuming you haven't met his kids at this stage. If they're teens they'll probably be mortified their dad is dating such a young woman.

Theres a certain ick about men who date women who are young enough to be their daughters, and some posters have picked up on this. Personally I find a similar ick with women who date men old enough to be their fathers.

I think that poster was a man who said they were 79 and as fit as a 50 year old! 🤣

It's completely delusional. There is no way an almost 80 year old looks the same and is as fit as a 50 year old, unless the 50 year old resembles Keith Richards 🤪 and has been smoking 40 a day since age 11

I dont blame your friend one bit, nothing on earth would convince me to date a 68 year old man in my early 40s - definitely looking for a nurse with a purse

That was my first thought too.

I am regularly mistaken for being around 25/26. I actually got ID’d buying alcohol a few months ago.

but equally he looks younger than his (actual 😂) age. We don’t look completely ridiculous out together.

You don’t look completely ridiculous because everyone assumes he’s yer da 😅

😂 possibly!!

Thats just as icky. Lying to people you want to date to get your own way is gross no matter which gender does it, whether your motive is for money or sex.

If the OP were a man with suspicions a younger woman was only after his money and had lied to him, my advice would be exactly the same- dump.

But seriously - a man in his mid 50’s trying to date a woman who passes for mid 20’s and gets ID’d in shops should give you the ick.

Also. When he says his kids are teenagers… are you sure? What if you find out they are really in their mid 20’s?

No I’ve seen recent pictures of them - definitely teens and he’s talked about them at length / what they’re up to life wise. It stacks up.

not regularly ID’d but it does happen, for which I am flattered 😂

I’m in my 50’s and still pretty active and social. Most people think I’m late 40’s when they meet me.

In my foray into OLD I was bombarded by men in their lates 60’s and 70’s (and even an 82 year old) most of who resembled either Rab C Nesbitt or Dobbys more wizened old brother who all insisted ‘age is only a number’ and most of whom got quite aggressive and defensive when they got a polite no thanks.

Honestly whether 40 or 90 they all delude themselves that women decades their junior are gagging for them

Oh my God I can imagine 🤮

Yeah, I definitely think people can look younger than they are for sure if they look after themselves but most people look younger by several years, not three decades 😂

I remember we used to have this business advisor, nice chap, and he was 63. He was perpetually single and only wanting to date younger women. We were chatting about it one day and he piped up with "Someone told me recently that I look 45!" and seemed pleased as punch. I didnt have the heart to tell him that the person was clearly just being kind or needed to go to specsavers because there was no way anyone could have ever mistook him for 45. He had deep lines all over his face and looked very craggy.

Dont get me wrong, he did look after himself and wasnt bad looking but he did NOT look 18 years younger than his actual age. I didnt know what to say that didnt sound hurtful so I just kind of laughed and said yeah! He probably took that as agreement that I also believed it 😬

Denial can be very powerful!

Exactly. Every young woman can recount multiple tales of old men perving over her.

I doubt your average older man is having to fend off attractive young women all that often.

Okay but on that basis, according to your own testimony, you look and pass for being just a few short years older than his own children. A man in his mid 50’s wants to date a woman who looks similar age to his daughter. Doesn’t give you an ick? Not even a little one?

When people say that someone (themselves or someone else) looks or acts younger, it's not usually true. What it usually means is that you have a perception of what it means to be that age, usually something dull and boring and unappealing, and this person doesn't fit it.

The lie is an indication of his character - a big indication. There will be other lies.

I'm going to tell you a story (a piece of my own family history from the 1950s) - this involves a woman who lied about her age (only a few years).

In 1954 a young (age 22) man called Ken was demobbed from the army into civvy street in a seaside town in Kent.

Ken was tall, dark, handsome, a potential catch with the ladies - but also quite naive and lacked relationship experience. He had been in the army from age 18 to 22.

Young Ken aged 22 met a "young" woman called Barbara. Barbara said she was 20.

Barbara was also tall, dark (brunette) and handsome - hour glass figure, wore bikinis on the beach, had long wavy flowing brown hair (think Rita Hayworth).

Barbara was more "worldly" and had had a few boyfriends prior to meeting Ken. This only increased Ken's desire - pursuing this woman of the world. They played tennis together, they danced in the local ballroom, they had a whirlwind romance and married within six months of meeting.

Ken was "demob happy" and swept along in the fantasy romance.

However, after they married Ken found out that Barbara was not two years younger than him, Barbara was actually 5 years older than him.

Now, an age gap of 5 years (or a woman 5 years older than her boyfriend) is probably no big deal nowadays, but in the 1950s it would have been viewed as very unusual.

So why did Barbara lie ?????

● She lied to hoodwink Ken into marriage, because Barbara knew at 27 years old she was "on the shelf" and running out of time to bagsy herself a man - and here was this perfect gullible naive fool with no previous relationship experience she could "bagsy".

So it worked - her plan worked (to a point) - they did get wed and very quickly.

● on the night before their wedding Barbara confessed to Ken that she was slightly older than she had previously told him - she said she was one year older than him.

● Ken was in love, so he thought "no problem, don't be so silly my little chickadee, of course we will wed".

^ This was Barbara's way of trying to introduce the idea of a small little white lie about her age into the conversation and introduce Ken to the idea that she was actually older than him.

After the wedding (and signing the register) Ken realised that Barbara was actually 5 years older than him - but obviously he wouldn't bolt now, would he? They'd wed in public in front of friends and family. It was official now.

Well, Ken initially accepted the situation and Barbara's explanation that she had been sooooooo worried about being 5 years older than him (in the climate of 1950s society) that she had done what she did.

He still found her incredibly attractive and to all external eyes they would have looked like a young, handsome, glamorous couple, both tall (she 5'7", he 5'10"), both with luscious dark brown hair, tanned skin, fit and healthy, sporty bodies.

The marriage lasted 10 years and they only had a child after 7 years of marriage (the baby was an attempt to save an already failing marriage) - a sticking plaster baby.

Why did the marriage run into problems?
Well (according to Ken):

● Barbara was habitually repeatedly unfaithful with numerous affairs (one big affair which caused the big breakdown) - but lots of little flings in other years, as well as the big affair.

● Barbara lied ...... and lied and lied and lied ...... about who all those men were.

Bear in mind, I only know Ken's version of this story (Ken is my Dad from a later second marriage he had in the late 1960s).

● So what was the problem with Barbara having shaved 7 years off her age ????

● Was it the age gap itself?

● Was it that men should never date and marry older women?

● Was it the fact that Barbara had had lots of previous relationships and sex before marriage?

● Was it the fact that Barbara had different views regarding sexual fidelity to what Ken did? (something he might have discovered if he had dated her for 2 to 3 years instead of being love bombed into a very hasty wedding)

or .........

● Was it the fact that Barbara lied about her age because Barbara was a liar (once a liar, always a liar) and lied and lied and lied about so many things including all her affairs?

I think it’s clear she’s not getting the ick 😂

I don’t think I could quite pass for his daughter!

The main thing that’s given me the ick right now is really he said on his profile that honesty is important to him. Which feels so icky now like how did you simultaneously put that on your profile and then lie about your age at the same time and not be embarrassed by yourself.

@Crumpet444

I think you need to stop thinking about him and his actions and think about yourself.

What do YOU want or not want? Does he 'fit' into that given his true age?

If you just want a 'dating-type' relationship (exclusive, but no living together/marriage) then I don't see a problem with the fact that he lied OR the age difference. Yes, he lied but as long as you are 'together apart' then what does it matter? You will have no financial ties or 'caring' responsibilities towards him and can walk away with ease should things turn sour.

But if you are looking for a committed relationship (living together or marriage) then I think the lie takes on another dimension. He had a chance to 'come clean' but hasn't. What else may he think it's OK to lie about? And can you truly trust what he tells you going forward?

What about the financial entanglements that can come when you live together but will come if you marry? No matter how 'separate' you keep your finances it's still not always easy to simply walk away if living together doesn't work out. And virtually impossible if you are married.

Finally, are you prepared to become this man's carer? Emotionally if not physically. Chances are, even if he has money to pay for 'hired help' he will want you 'with him' during this time and/or you will feel a responsibility to be there. Your life could become very restricted even if you aren't providing the physical care.

Finally, are you really prepared to become a stepparent? Yes, I know his kids are teens but that doesn't mean there won't be issues. They may resent their dad finding happiness with someone other than their mum. Their mum may 'stir'. Or his parenting style may be so opposite to what you feel it should be that it creates resentment. And you can double or triple that should you have a child with him.

And whilst we're on that subject, do you really think he's going to be an active, involved parent in his 60s (or older)? He's been there, done all that (I presume he was an active father). Can you really see him getting up for night feeds or changing a 'crappy nappy'? Giving up pursuits or hobbies to give you 'time off'. Again, even if he has the dosh for a nanny, both parents need to be present and involved in their children's lives.

Lots to think about.