Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

When did I say it was ok, and it’s fine because he isn’t a good liar? There is a difference between a campaign of deception designed to manipulate and a one off lie told in the context of OLD which was stupid, and then not addressed on the first date. I don’t think it’s ok.

Yes, and how does that work when as the partner of a older man, you reach the same age that they flatly refused to date because they didnt find women that age at all attractive?

Awful.

So you're just passively waiting for him to 'fess up'?

What if he doesn't? What timeline do you give him?

I'm not sure why you asked for advice when clearly you've already decided to continue the relationship.

If you have only had five dates, he is not your significant other.

And yes, a lot of people would dump a guy they had a handful of dates with once they found out he had lied to them, especially when he had already had an opportunity handed to him on a plate to fess up.

You say, 'got out of hand' as if he was not an active player in this, making conscious choices. You actually had a conversation with him about it. If he was planning to tell you the truth, that was his chance to do it. And he chose to double down on the lie.

And I have to say, your update makes it worse. You have only had five dates yet he is already telling you he has told your Mum about you, and is talking about taking you to work events and trips etc. That sounds a lot like love bombing. He is trying to get you to rapidly think this is an intense and meaningful relationship, when you hardly know each other.

Top tip. Manipulative, deceptive guys typically come across as one of the really good guys. Which should not be a surprise. That's their whole thing.

According to your OP you’ve been seeing him ‘nearly two months’, which really is only a matter of weeks. You don’t really know this person, and yet you referred to him as a significant other.

Also, by your own account it wasn’t just a one off lie - he kept up the lie even when you asked him directly. He could have corrected it then but he didn’t.

I’m not sure what you even want from this thread, given that you seems determined to defend him no matter what.

yes, strange to describe him as a ‘significant other’.

It’s a deliberate tactic: get a woman to like him before she finds out, then she’ll forgive the lies.

As my DM would say, ‘he must think a lot of himself’.

OP- I am not sure why you asked us then if you didnt want honest opinions.

Most of us have said, yes, its a big red flag that he lied to your face and you keep defending him to the hilt, and now saying he is your significant other (he's not- you've been on a few dates is all). Bear in mind that "Significant others" would also be fully aware of the biological age of their partners and you arent even sure whats true of this guy!

If you want to carry on dating him then thats entirely up to you, it doesnt affect any of us as we arent the ones being lied to, or deceived.

Crack on if you want, but our answers arent going to change - it is still a huge red flag from him.

My ex told a fairly big lie that I found out about in the early weeks of our relationship.

God I wish I hadn’t been so keen to give him the benefit of the doubt/tell myself he was just trying to impress me.

Ask yourself if you would lie the same way. If not, don’t make excuses for him. Dishonesty is one of the worst and most damaging character traits in a partner.

He's being lying to you for the two months you have been together. He knows you think he is younger. Not just because of the age online but because you asked him about it and he firmly told you. He very consciously wants you to believe he is younger. He didn't panic when you asked, go home and sleep on it and then come back and correct it with you, did he?

As pp said, shaving a few years off is not that uncommon on OLD, but decent honest people fess up when you meet. He did not. He doubled down and has kept it up, knowing you believe a lie, for two months.

I’m not saying that’s how I see him. I’m saying at what point does lying become acceptable or acceded to in a relationship.

Because you only need to look at the relationships board here to see men will tell a lot worse lies in longer term relationships and women still stay.

the thread has given me a huge amount to consider and me putting forward my view is not indicative that I don’t agree, but that I’m just exploring it. It helps to ventilate it. I appreciate all the responses.

He is not your significant other - he is a man you re dating. No, the lie wasn’t in the context of OLD. The lie was later reaffirmed directly to your face. He very easily looked you in the eye and upheld his deceit.

Good luck. You’ll need it.

Have you considered this is a test of what you are prepared to accept? Users and conmen often test the waters early on by seeing if you’ll let bad behaviour slide. If you do, they know they’ll be able to get things past you.

I’m not saying I see him as my significant other, I meant at what point are lies acceded to, because the responses have largely been he lies once and he’s gone. That’s all.

If a partner treats us badly - by lying or in other ways - it’s easier to end the relationship at or near the start.

This is why abusers love bomb, mask their usual behaviours etc. even until after marriage and/or DC.

At the start or when choosing who to date we are not ‘invested’. Gets harder when we have feelings and have spent time, money, energy.

You have a lot of options. Loads. Why choose him? Older, seeking to date much younger, lies.

Here is a question - what was your age range set to on OLD? Did it include men in their mid 50’s? Because if not the only reason you looked in his direction was because of his lie. If he had been honest you wouldn’t even have come across him.

This is not a small lie. This is a huge lie. This is a lie that if he had not told you would not be currently sleeping with him. How can you not take that incredibly seriously

The times I ignored red flags early on - because the men seemed likeable, caring, gorgeous and so on - I regretted it!

I don’t have an age range set and I only choose from men who swipe right on me because I cba with trawling through endless pictures of men myself. I don’t pay for the app so not sure I even can set parameters.

Yeah and look, I agree. It has changed the way I see him. I no longer feel as excited or in a little bubble about it. I now feel like I have to be calculating and watching to see what he does.

I think if he doesn’t bring it up in the next couple of weeks I will have to raise it and then dump him. Which is a shame, but actually if he did finally bring it up it might preserve at least some of his character. Would rather that than me dragging it out of him.

@thisoneiscalledbluebellsinpastels
"age is just a number!" and yet funny how men in their 50s are never dating 70 year old women are they?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ^ This !!!

The lie that this man told you (twice) has hood winked you into a relationship. He told the lie the first time on the dating site - and the first time you asked him about it (on his birthday when his age increased on the app). He had thd opportunity then to come clean. I seriously doubt that he his going to come clean when you confront him - he's going to shilly shally waffle and probably lie that Companies House is wrong.

"Oh yes babe, that's been wrong on Companies House for ages. I meant to get it corrected but as that business is no longer active and I'm not a director any more, the time to be able to change it had gone."

The lie is an indication of his character - a big indication. There will be other lies.

If he tried that I would be asking for ID!!

it was weirdly a directorship that only lasted like 7 days so part of me wondered if the whole thing was an error, but appreciate that’s unlikely.

I would say after less than two months it isn’t really a relationship - it’s the early stages of dating.

This is the part where you try to get to know someone better, and find out if you’re compatible enough to form a relationship with.

What you know about this man so far is that he is perfectly willing to lie to you about something significant.

For many of us, that would be enough to stop dating him, not least because you would wonder what else he is lying about. Plus it says a lot about his values and morals.

It’s seems you have a different take on it - that is just a slip up, and not worth giving up on just yet, which is your prerogative.

Personally I would wonder what’s so great about this guy that you would overlook something this big so early on. You really don’t owe him anything.

This is not a single lie it’s an ongoing deception, every time he’s seen you he has misrepresented himself and chosen not to set you straight. His conscience does not prick him about manipulating you. And he barefacedly lied to your face.

To your first comment: I really wish I had paid heed when my erstwhile best friend lied by omission to her sister. It’s just one lie right? And out of character. I’d known her for 10 years so I (thought) I knew her really well. Sensible, well-educated woman with a responsible job at the BBC.

I genuinely thought it was a one off.

But then it turned out she’d been lying to me for years.

She went on not to tell a partner she was infertile until he was in love with her, he eventually dumped her in order to be able to have children.

Some apparently intelligent people use deceit to get what they want.

It’s highly unlikely that he’s got to 54 and this is first time trying out lying. This will not be his first or his last. He thinks lying is ok.

I’m saying at what point does lying become acceptable or acceded to in a relationship.

Right at the very start.

The fact that MN standards are even lower and women cling on to the most despicable specimens is not a strong argument.

The point of unacceptability was nailed by the PP who said its the person who looks you in the face and lies. And that's what he did. Men who can comfortably do that are not men to have relationships with.

Look at his behaviour:
Lied online ( not a deal breaker)
Lied to your face when you asked about his age
That means he's been lying every day since as he knows you think he is younger
Lied about being open to starting a family (there is no way I believe this is true)
Weirdly intense very early on - telling you he has told his mum about you?!? WTF - no new man has ever said that to me - he has a clear agenda in telling you that), saying he'll invite you to work events and trips etc.

If you confront him and he reels you in with whatever he tells you, you may think you have shown him you are not to be messed with and will confront him, but he will be thinking that you are easy to win over.

He's had two months - why are you wasting another two weeks on him?

Excellent post.

And I agree, I’d have texted him already. I don’t see the point of wasting more time on this.