Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Or ......

If you are really keen to talk to him / confront him face to face, one really crucial question you could ask is:

"Hey Brian, what were you intending to do on your 60th birthday? We're you intending to tell me your real age then?"

His answer to that question will give you more idea as to whether he thinks of you and him as a proper relationship with potential:

● has he already introduced you to some of his friends / was he thinking of doing so?

● if you're the dirty little secret hot young totty shag buddy he never intended this situationship to last long / never intended you to meet his friends and family .... therefore in his mind the lie about his age would never matter.

A question about his 55th or 60th birthday should be most revealing.

well it's weird because he seems to be quite invested in that respect, apparently has told his mum about me (and went into quite a lot of detail about that conversation, appreciate it may well have not been true!) and his house is full of pictures of his children and is very open about talking about his family, work events he would plan on taking me to, has invited me to join him on work trips. It doesn't feel like I was ever intended to be a dirty little secret... I could be wrong.

I doubt he wants you as a dirty little secret, more a prize to be paraded. Hence the invitations to work events. Your youth is a boost to his status and ego.

I’m sorry but you are being incredibly naive with this. He wants you invested enough emotionally that when you inevitably find out his age you forgive it. Which, Apparently, has worked out quite well for him. You’re already prepared to give him a chance after deceiving and tricking you. He’s got you to like him just enough, and got you feeling so serious about him that what does the age matter? It was only a white lie. You’re invested now, let it slide. Wake up. It all matters. He lied and deceived you for long enough to manipulate you into a relationship you don’t really want to leave. Oh but he’s such a good man. Every man can be oh so good when he’s playing his own twisted game of cat and mouse.

Besides, if you do want to have kids at some point, I’d look into the real disadvantages it makes using such geriatric sperm.

As several of us have pointed out, you're a prize for him. An attractive, high earning younger woman who isn't desperate to have kids! And happy to be with a divorced man in his 50s who has lied about his age. Of course he's going to shout it from the rooftops!

Clearly you want to be with this man despite all the red flags. Up to you.

yes and I've also had posters saying he isn't invested and wants to keep me as a secret. It can't be both! I haven't made my mind up. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Yup. “Hey fellas my bird is 20 years younger than all your wives” is the badge of honour he’s striving for here. He will be lapping it up.

It’s also very easy for a man to tell you he’s telling his mother about you. Much different for him to actually take you home to meet her.

You could have you talk to her about how a ten year age gape really isn’t that bad.

What’s really to think about here. He’s lied to your face and purposefully manipulated you. You either are fine with being treated that way going forward or you aren’t. He clearly has no problem treating you that way.

I think you have made your mind up.

You seem to be dismissing or making excuses for all criticisms of this man, and are seeking out opinions to confirm your views. You see a lot of these kinds of threads here.

If you're into men in their 50s you can take your pick, but it seems for some reason you've settled on this guy.

I think you are missing the point if you are focusing on why he lied.

The main point is that he lied. And appears to have lied twice, once about his age and another about being potentially open to starting a new family.

His precise internal motivations for lying aren't really that important, and you will never confidently know why he did it, as the only person who can tell you this is a proven liar and deceiver, so you will never be sure if he is telling the truth.

And that's the point.

All you can know for sure that he is a man who is prepared to lie and deceive to get what he wants.

It's all a bit Partridge isn't it?

Back of the net!

I'm wondering what has happened in the OP's life to make her think this loser is all she deserves.

I don’t get the impression you’re a secret. Some posters like to shoehorn into templates.

Personally, I couldn’t be arsed with waiting. I’d just text him “So it turns out you’re 54. How long were you intending to continue the lie?”

As usual, age doesn't matter. But only when the man is much older.

If age is irrelevant, why aren't you listing all your mates married to decades younger men?

Dealbreaker for me. A woman once did it to me. Said she was 37 when she was 44. If a person can lie so easily right at the start, who knows what else they could fail or ommit to mention.

Put it simply - if I was going to date a man 20 years older than me I would only like to do so because I made that fully informed decision.

A man who lies repeatedly and leads you to believe he is something different to what he is in order to get you into bed/a relationship is not a good man.

There may be some 20 year age gaps that work. Maybe. It he hasn’t shown you enough respect to allow you to make that decision for yourself.

The issue isn’t the age gap, on line dating you set the age group you’re interested in, if you want someone two decades older you can set your filter for that.

one of my male friends is online dating and he said ages ago that women do it all the time.

most common are :

heavily filtering images or using old photos to such an extent there is barely any resemblance when they meet. Facially and or physically. Some of them he didn’t even think it was the same person.

lying about their ages, he’s late 5os and his filter is set I think from 45-65 and one woman said late fifties and turned up and was mid seventies. He couldn’t believe it. She said she preferred younger men and thought when they met it wouldn’t matter. Like when he saw her. He maybe 58 but he’s not interested in dating a 76 year old.

ifs one thing to,lie to get a date, it’s a whole other thing to lie when you meet to their face. And if someone is interested in dating older then they can set their preferences to that, and make a decision, not be conned into it.

and fhere is no point in putting fake or old pics up. As when they meet you they will see you. And it’s very unlikely your dazzling personality is going to be so fantastic fhey forgive the lie.

That’s crazy people do that. It surely would be a major hit to your self esteem when they see you and their face drops as you’re obviously not what you portrayed yourself as. I think even very polite people couldn’t mask the surprise in seeing someone decades older than expected.

How do you know? Men are always saying it's the ex wife who was at fault.

Quite. I love how everyone is so defensive of older people being super fit and hot and sexy and healthy and yet they have no answer when it comes to why these men arent dating women their own age then- if they are all super fit and hot and sexy and healthy 🤣

"age is just a number!" and yet funny how men in their 50s are never dating 70 year old women are they?

I'd have more respect for old men if they just owned it, rather than pretending they just "happened" to fall in love (every single time) with a woman 30 years their junior. Also, the women are naive if they cant see the pattern and if I was one of those women, I would be mindful of being replaced once I'd reached a certain age

I agree and obviously in light of this I have questioned it. It’s not something he volunteered easily and was still very gracious and respectful about her, no ex bashing.
I am not blindly defending I’m just saying this is what happened. I accept he could be a very clever manipulator. I don’t get that vibe but not impossible.
I mean lying about his age wasn’t terribly sophisticated given the publicly available information on him…

Exactly!

And given that women live longer than men, you'd think the "super fit and hot and sexy and healthy" older people should logically be more likely to be women rather than men!

I'd have more respect for old men if they just owned it, rather than pretending they just "happened" to fall in love (every single time) with a woman 30 years their junior.

And of course the woman is 'so mature for her age' and they had no idea how big the age difference was when they first met. Because of course.

So despite the fact you know he has lied to get you to date him, you still aren't getting the vibe that he is a liar?

You really are clutching at straws to defend this guy. So you know he lied to you, but you think that is ok as he is not very good at lying because you found out. And apparently the fact he was not clever enough in his lie, gives you confidence that he won't tell more lies. That doesn't really make sense OP.

I had friend who found out her boyfriend had a wife. She then found out where he really lived as it was bloody online as he had been a director of an organisation too. When she told his wife, turns out she was not the first, or second or even third woman to tell her they were dating her husband. She was not even the only woman he had been cheating with, whilst he was with her. So he knew that women could find out where he lived, but he kept on cheating. And he was devastated when his wife finally left him after this latest revelation (blamed my friend for this, not his cheating). I am not saying your bloke is a cheat, but don't think manipulative liars have to be good at all their lies. My friend thought this bloke was a really nice chap she had been lucky to find, who was really into her. He was good at that lie.

I highly doubt any poster on here would immediately dump their significant other for telling a single lie. It was done in the context of OLD and whilst he should have come clean I can see how it may have got out of hand.

I don’t condone it but I do also have more information about him than anyone else on this thread. I am taking time to consider in the round, and what I want, and whether this is acceptable, indicative of a pattern or a one off stupid decision. He may well even come forward to tell me which would be better. We’ve been seeing eachother for a couple of months but due to travelling and work, only had about 5 dates. So he may well yet fess up if he also feels it could go further, because quite honestly he would have had to at some point.

it doesn’t mean I have low self esteem. It means I’m not being reactive and just thinking it through.