Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Surely you now have the massive ick

I kind of feel it was a bit pathetic of him yeah. Insecurity in men is not a good look.

So what are you going to do?

I’m going to talk to him about it face to face and see his reaction. Will be a good opportunity to see who he actually is, and whilst it’s unlikely, there is a small chance CH is wrong so I might worry about being super confrontational.

I will come back after I see him next week for the update 😂

It’s not just the lying, it’s his efforts to date much younger women. Ick.

Do you really want to date someone old enough to be your dad? That’s what it comes down to if he fesses up to being a liar.

I hate lies so I would have got rid of him already.

You're 36 so were born around 1990ish, which would be when he was at university age. That's an age gap that should give anyone the ick - you are a baby to him. The fact that he wants to hide the age gap shows a dishonesty that is deeply unattractive. The fact that he doesn't see it as a problem shows an arrogance, sense of entitlement, and deepset patriarchal outlook that is also deeply unattractive. Please throw him back and seek out a nice man who is actually in his early 40s.

I don't think it's good to caution people on age-gap relationships per se.
A friend of mine married a man in his 70s when she was 50-ish.
He had a grown up family and grandchildren.
They are very happy. She was a working 'professional' and not looking for anyone to provide for her. They met playing a sport and it developed from there.

I disagree - just because it worked out for your friend, doesnt mean there arent very serious issues to consider. One major one being having to become a carer for your spouse.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/article-11616423/Hes-turned-Victor-Meldrew-Im-carer-Relationship-30-year-age-gap-20-years-on.html

This is an example. (apologies for it being DM)

I agree. Some 'age gap' relationships are extremely successful. I have one friend, 50, whose husband is still a yoga instructor in his 70s. Not everyone crumbles as they get older. Another whose husband is over 20 years older - he is retired and does all the household management so she can focus on her career.

MN can be very one dimensional about this. Many here would view my dad as a manipulative predator because he was 29 when he met my mum aged 19/20. He had many flaws, but he adored my mother and they were very happy for over 60 years together.

That’s fairly standard with successful men though I suppose, particularly when they’re good looking.

I’ve always dated older men, though this is really at the boundary of what I would have wanted.

Op only you can decide what you want out of life and whether or not you want to waste time with him.
Personally I'd bin, and move on.

The age gap is huge, he's 10 years away from retirement and a completely different stage of life to you.

He's lied to you, what else will he lie about?

Your young enough to want kids hes beyond that stage.

Yep, my godmother married at around 50 to a man 18 years older, both had great careers, good property investments and no kids, they were very happy, healthy and active for the majority of the marriage, he died recently in his mid 90s.

OP, women can feel and look amazing in their 50's and beyond, but in my very humble opinion I cannot imagine a man of 70 being attractive with and 18 year age gap.
Men tend to age in a very specific way and get an old man vibe that women can really avoid.

Have a good look at men in their mid late 60's to see if you would like that dynamic.
As a young one I did find older men attractive for a variety of reasons, but there is a point when older just becomes plain OLD.
18 years is a huge, absolutely huge age gap.

But other people are not you.

My friend married a man aged 70 ( a widower) when she was early 50s. They are very happy and he is far from decrepit.

My DH is 70 and when he retired his colleagues thought he was just 50-odd and retiring early. Not all men are old and knackered as they get older.

Likewise, my ex, married a woman 15 years his junior when she was 35. She was already divorced with 3 kids. Still together in his 80s.

I remember reading the lady magazine in hospital/gp waiting rooms, indeed long walks, cosy fires and "companionship " was the tone of the adverts. I wasn't posh enough to buy it .

Don't be an old age nurse for him.

So, if ageing can still mean looking attractive and vibrant and healthy then why are these men seeking out women 20 years younger than them?

Many couples don't meet online.
Older people tend to meet in RL , IME.

I'm not aware of men looking for women 20 years younger (the ones I know in RL put an age range 5 years either way) but if they are, they are likely to wait a long time because IME most couples with an age gap meet through work, hobbies, mutual friends.

And they aren't asking each other's ages the minute they meet!

Sure, so even if they are meeting in real life, why are these men going for much younger women?

20 years younger isnt just a bit younger, its a significant, large age gap.

What is wrong with women their own age? Do you think they would consider dating women 20 years older than them?

I once saw an online dating profile from a man in his 60s who said he would be 'prepared to consider a woman in her 20s' with the caveat that she must not be a gold digger.

The levels of delusion are off the scale with some men!

So much this.

You're not going to be "super confrontational" ..... you're leaving doubt in your own mind that Companies House could be wrong ...... you're planning to let him ff the hook.

● Companies House is 99.8% accurate. The margin of error is tiny. It is a legal requirement for directors to file certain documents so the chances of it being wrong are remote.

● But you want to "talk to him" face to face to give him the opportunity to gaslight you, schmooze you, come up with another few lies and continue to charm you ???

You could:

1. Text him between now and your next date with an HTML link to the Companies House page.

1. Text him a link to this thread.

Or ....... (next message) ......

36 to 54 is an 18 year age gap. He deliberately sought and lied repeatedly about it. Even if your preference is older men, that’s unattractive at best.