Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

You are young and attractive and have an excellent job/career. These are all great things to have.

So... why the fuck are you mooning about after a 54 year old who is divorced, has teenage children, and lies to you.

My God, at that age I had men crawling all over me- surely you know you can do better than this idiot?

I don't think the 'old enough to be your father' is a good reason not to have a relationship with someone.

I know many couples in real life with age gaps, some with older men others, with much older women.

It's a 'consideration' but it's not a no-no.

Exactly!

Like I said above, an attractive, high earning young woman who is open to dating men in their 50s is a major catch. Why waste time on this loser?

Personally, I do think an 18 year age gap is a good reason not to have a relationship.

But that wasn't really my point. The OP said that the fact that she looks younger than her age is probably a major part of why this man is attracted to her. Yes, I guess you can just happen to fall for someone much younger or older (although it's almost always the man who 'just happens' to be older) but in this case the fact that the OP looks even younger than her age seems to be a central part of her appeal. That's creepy to me.

At under two months then I’d consider if the lie is worth it? If everything else is what you are looking for then have the discussion and make your decision based on his response.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what the OP did.

The age thing really IS an issue as well as the lying.
I am 49. I'd have absolutely zero, zilch, nada attraction to a man aged 67. This will be the age gap if you are still with him at my age.
I know I only speak for myself but this becomes a very real issue when you are in your late 40s as a woman.
There's no way I'd date a man this much older. Even before you start on why he thinks it's ok to lie.
What else is he lying about?

Googling is absolutely fine btw. We all do it. It's normal due diligence.

Yeah me too. And as said as he set his profile younger I think he was always going for a younger woman and the op is naive to think he was just widening his range. And I think he’s lying to her about wanting kids and obvs lying about his age. And I’d wonder if the story he told on his marriage breaking down is the true story or the whole truth, I suspect the ex wife thinks something different and I wonder if she’s closer to his age.

for some men it’s ego, a woman is nothing more than an accessory to show off and something to shag. Look at me I pull young women.

it gives most peiple the ick. But I think the op is a lost cause and she will realise eventually. Especially whenshe sees him round young attractive women.

Test him out by saying you've thought about what he said and decided to stop all contraception as you'd like kids right away. 😉

If he was looking for anything other than casual hookups, he wouldn't lie about his age because everyone knows it is impossible to keep up the pretense for very long.

It would be an absolute dealbreaker for me because I hate liars. You can never ever trust someone who looks you in the eye and lies

Agree. I’m almost 60 and the thought of dating a man 2 years younger get than my mum - no no no

But online is full of men chasing women several decades their junior. It’s an ego thing for most of them.

And anyone lying about his age by 8 years is a lying sleazy creep

Even having a convo about kids with a 54 year old man would be enough for me to bow out- what on earth are you thinking OP!!

I've known multiple people's birth years to be wrong on companies house. Even a semi famous person - look up Jack Monroe (on a bootstrap) is 10 years out.

You need to get eyes on his driving licence.

I agree.

@Crumpet444 Lots of women in their thirties pass for quite a bit younger than their age. If you think this is a key to his attraction to you, how might he change when you do start to look older, or even your age? This could easily happen by early forties due to hormonal changes, as it does to many women.

I’m not against age gap relationships in principle and have had them myself. I don’t think, however, it’s healthy or good when the age gap is the primary driver for the relationship, especially when it’s because the man actively seeks mainly or only younger women, as this will be for predominantly sexual reasons. If the age gap is secondary - e.g. values align, personalities click, etc and the age gap is incidental or the relationship even thrives in spite of it, then that’s different. It is a concern if he actively/mainly seeks younger women though because of the values this reflects.

The more I read others’ responses the more persuaded I am that his lie shouldn’t be explained away.

The so called 'rape by deception' is, from a legal perspective, extremely rare and of close to no relevance to OP. (Well, unless the guy is actually a woman masquerading as a man). Hell, even saying you've had a vasectomy when you haven't isn't rape by deception. Or lying as to your identity doesn't necessarily amount to 'rape by deception' (eg undercover police officers having sex with women while pretending to be someone else). So the idea that a guy lying about their age would be 'rape by deception' is risible

I don’t feel as though I have been ‘raped’ and think it would be insulting for me to say so.

100% agree

Why do you need to speak to him face to face about this?

A lie is a lie

Yuk. I had this when I was on the apps. Men wouod lie to get into a different age bracket.one said he was 49 but actually 53. Same as you I googled him ans he was a director and listed his date of birth. He wasnt bright as the number he used yo message me on was his work mobile too so it was an easy lie to find out. I djdnt tell him I knew directly but dropped hints and he carried on lying so I jist blocked him. Was married to a cheating liar so not interesting in another one...even a small white lie now is an instant no for me.

It’s so common in the apps. I went on a date with one guy who was actually attractive and great company but he told me he was 54 and 5’11 when he was actually 59 and about 5’8.

As much as we had a really good first date, I couldn’t get past the dishonesty.

Actually rape by deception can be defined as sex that would not have happened had you not been deceived. The lie tends to be closely related to the sex act, but the issue is complex and not fully tested in court. There have been many cases brought forward in the UK for various kinds of deception. I’m not sure where PP got their information because lying about having a vasectomy has absolute been prosecuted in the UK and therefore proven legally as rape by deception.

I am not saying you yourself feel this was rape - or that this lie specifically was rape by deception. My point was that if he deliberately deceived you in order to get you to sleep with him, knowing that you might not do that if you knew the truth, then this is an unforgivable act, if not a crime. So of course it should always be a ‘sackable offence’ -

Understanding that it is wrong for a man to deceive you for personal sexual gain should surely be dating 101.

For me, it would be the continuation of the lie rather than the initial lowering of age. There would always be a doubt as to whether I could trust them or whether there would be another lie
Realistically this lie was always going to trip him up one day. Whether it was you doing due diligence, a birthday (how would he explain away noone celebrating his '50th'?), on the marriage certificate if you got that far?!
Throw him back.

Incorrect.

The case involving lying about a vasectomy was prosecuted and a conviction on procured. However, on appeal, the conviction was quashed, lying about fertility simply not being enough to vitiate consent.(However, agreeing to sex only if there is use of a condom throughout intercourse and then not doing so, that can vitiate consent).