Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Thank you for that. I appreciate your time

A colleague retired and everyone realised he'd been lying about his age when previously dating someone else in the organisation.
I bumped into him recently and he said he was still looking to meet someone for pub lunches and car meets if I knew any one in their 40s who he'd suit.
He's 71!
It's really quite grim but was an interesting window into his thoughts. And I should point out this isn't an ironman competing Hollywood actor more a retired physics teacher going to the medium walking group with a strong interest in model railways.
Form an orderly queue you pre-menopause lovelies.

All through this thread you've defended this guy. It sounds like you really like him, get on well together and you're enjoying yourself.

If kids and family life are not huge drivers for you, why not just see how it goes. Obviously confront the lying, but it seems pretty obvious why he lied.

He's obviously into you, and you him, by the sounds of it. Not all 54 year olds are passed it. I've got bags of energy, I indoor rock climb three times a week, can rattle off a 5k without too much pain. I wouldn't be having a baby now though, because I can choose to not go rock climbing if I want, a baby's full on, full time.

Don't shy away from good love, for trivial reasons though. Everyone is different, and my marriage has brought me so much happiness over the years, I can't imagine if I'd disregarded it early on.

But how do you know if any of that is true about his wife and why they broke up? He's a liar.

You're a young woman. I've no idea why you're bothering with this (lying) older man and his baggage.

@Crumpet444 I’m ashamed to say I had exactly this scenario, making the ‘gentleman’ 16 years my senior. By that stage, we were 14 months in and I was quite invested. The problem was, it wasn’t the only lie, it was definitely a compound situation. And it was the lies that broke us/me. You had the sense to do due diligence early. Don’t be me

Of course it's a dealbreaker.

He lied about his age on the dating app so that he could date younger women who weren't interested in dating somebody his age. He doesn't care about women's boundaries. And then he lied to your face about it. He's a liar and a boundary violator, that's more than enough evidence that you should ditch him.

Featuring UW-Green Bay’s Jennie Young: If You See This In An Online Dating Profile, Hit ‘Block’ Immediately — It’s A Boundary Violation | HuffPost – Inside UW-Green Bay News

Edited to add: it's also depressingly common for men to "make a mistake" about their date of birth on a dating app. Almost as common is the claim that they tried to contact the app to fix it but couldn't - this isn't true either.

I have been with my partner for 30 years, but I can respond from what I see around me. I have sisters, single friends and some recently divorced friends who are all looking for someone.

Just a snapshot of some of the men they have met online -

Lies about age, height, weight, martial status, relationship status, criminal record, being a parent, being solvent, having a roof over their head, being employed, owning a car, being fully divorced, drugs, having a right to be in the country.....

Latest one. He moved in with her last year and continued on with multiple relationships under the guise of 'travelling for work'.

Its not a great start to go off an old picture and bunch of lies about yourself that are very obvious in person.

Sometimes what you 'learn as you go along' would not have put you in the situation in the first place and thats very deceitful in my opinion.

🤣 Men can be so utterly deluded about this stuff!

Does he know he's a walking ick???

71? That's way older than my dad and I am in my 40s.

He's obviously into you, and you him, by the sounds of it. Not all 54 year olds are passed it. I've got bags of energy, I indoor rock climb three times a week, can rattle off a 5k without too much pain. I wouldn't be having a baby now though, because I can choose to not go rock climbing if I want, a baby's full on, full time.

I'm a similar age and also in pretty good nick.

But I still wouldn't want to be with someone nearly 2 decades older than me.

Would you?

Don't shy away from good love, for trivial reasons though.

Repeatedly lying from day one is not 'trivial'.

This.

So I think there is a chance CH could be wrong then. I have seen plenty of errors happen before.

If he has lied then I would assume that he doesn’t see this as a long-term thing and just a casual fling as if he wanted a long-term relationship that would put him in the position of having to own up to his lie in the future.

Throw him back. First because of the lying (specifically the continuing to lie when he met you in person).

Also I’m 54 now, as is my DH and no way would I have wanted to date a man his age when I was 36. He says he doesn’t feel it but objectively, he’s an old guy.

An 18 year age gap is a lot. I’d advise looking for someone nearer your own age that you can look forward to a long and active future with should you ‘click’.

Yes she clearly likes him. And if he’d been upfront and she liked him that would be fine.

Personally I’d be wary of someone who barefacedly lies. I have had experience of a ex close friend who I thought was honest.

We’d been friends for 10 years when she lied by omission to her sister about an important issue. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that it was a genuine mistake. Soon after it turned out she had lied to me for years about something I considered fundamental. That was a dealbreaker for me as I would never trust her again. She was outraged as she considered me her “best friend” wtf?

Germane to the thread she didn’t tell a partner she met at 38 that she was infertile until they’d been together a year and he’d told her he was in love with her. In the long run he wouldn’t marry her as he wanted his own kids,

In short - some people use lying as a currency to manipulate and get what they want. You’d be very naive to think that’s the only thing he’d ever lie about.

OP you should look into rape by deception. It’s actually incredibly serious that he was willing to lie and misrepresent his identity, point black to your face after you asked him even.

It is not acceptable and you should stay away from him. What else will he lie about to get what he wants? You won’t know the truth until you’re in too deep and emotional and will forgive it.

You deserve more than a man in his 50’s willing to lie to you so you can give him more babies.

Checking back onto the thread for all those 40 something's looking out for full time 70 something partner for log fires and moderate dog walks.
You must be able to split the firewood yourself because his wood chopping days are over. And please send a photo of your attic or shed, not a euphemism, suitable for a exhibition quality model railway.

Run away OP, run away
But do tell everyone you have split up and are looking for a relationship,no time wasters. The most successful local finds in your age group are definitely the friends of friends introductions. Tell everyone in real life.

Be glad you found out so early. I went out with a guy who it turned out was a massive liar. He just said whatever he thought would make him sound most appealing. The lies finally unravelled, but bloody hell, what a massive waste of my time and emotion he was. I think it was a control thing for him. He controlled women by knowing they were with him because of the lies, and he knew he was lying but they didn't.

This is one of the reasons I miss ‘The Lady’ magazine. The classifieds were full of such ads by men in their dotage, it was hilarious but there was absolutely no jesting.

You didn't say you didn't want kids, so he matched your response. You didn't shut the door on having kids and so neither did he.

You are kidding yourself on if you are telling yourself he wanted you at your age because he wants kids.

I agree with pp. It is vanishingly unlikely that a 54 who has teenage children wants to go back to the baby stage and do it all again.

Its far more likely that this was yet another dishonesty. On top of the open lying about his age.

When I confronted the liar I dated about the first lot of lies he had told me when we started dating, he started to bleat about how hard it was to find a decent woman online and how he had really liked me and he was scared of losing me, so that is why he did it. He must have thought I was stupid if he thought I would believe that.

No doubt yours will say something similar to you.

He's a bog standard divorced man looking for a younger woman and prepared to say whatever it takes to get her.

Oh and OP, you mentioned he doesn't pressure you for sex like your other boyfriends did. You joke its because he is too tired.

Its because his testosterone has lowered. If you stay with him, that will continue and your sex life will continue to dwindle.

Humans go through two stages of accelerated aging. In their mid 40s and their 60s. Its not that long until he goes through his next stage of accelerated aging OP.

I agree he may have just been mirroring me 😕

Hard agree.

The OP also hasn’t said whether the relationship is sexual but there is something very gross about a man who lies about who he is and doesn’t clear up the lie before sex is involved.

Absolutely that was another lie. No man in his mid fifties with teens wants to go back and have more children, they do it as they think that’s what the woman wants. But he never intends to get to thay stage with the op. It’s just sex and showing off that he’s pulled a woman two decades younger, boosts his ego. Whilst everyone is looking at the op and thinking shes in it for the money.

what concerns me is the op beleived him.

He is pretty well off but I have my own very well paid job / career. I do look quite young for my age as well so no doubt it would be an ego boost and I am not stupid enough to think looks are nothing to do with it.

You ar 18 years younger than him. He is old enough to be your father.

Are you happy that part of the reason he is interested in you is because you appear to look even younger? And he was prepared to lie about his age?