Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Not excusing him, yet I can also understand why he might not have come clean on a first date where he wants to see how they are going to get on. If there was no second date, no one is hurt. And then it starts getting hard to admit. Something that seemed trivial to him, tweaking a date to adjust an algorithm, is now something secret to confess to. And he is invested, likes OP etc.

Without any of us knowing the man or his true motivations, whatever anyone on MN believes of him, he may be relieved if OP asks him, the truth is out.

I wouldn't care if I liked him. It's very common on OLD and I don't think it's indicative of any great character flaws.

yeah I don't really want to play games. I would rather just be direct and say I know about his age and it's concerning me as to why he did that and didn't tell me thereafter, and then just stop and see how he reacts.

Typically if I get an inkling of inconsistency, or flakiness, or lying I will ditch. Or if they just generally come across as low effort and non-committal. I wouldn't say superficial I just am quite ruthless when it comes t knowing what I want and will not tolerate, so because this has been a couple of months I am just sense checking and don't want to be unreasonable.

yeah I agree I think, I get how it can seem like no big deal to begin with and then suddenly becomes so once you actually invest in someone and then it's difficult to bring up. I think he is genuinely terrified of me dumping him 😂he probably would be relieved if I bought it up as for me it would be pretty stressful knowing I had lied, and then worrying about how to broach it.

So you had something niggling at you which is why you searched him up.
He lied to you.
And the age gap isn’t ideal for you.

So that’s 3 negative things that you’ve come up with in only 2 months.

I think it’s probably safe to say that you know this isn’t the right man for you.

I’m sure he’s very lovely but so are most men in the first 6 months.

You seem like you have your head screwed on, you’re intelligent and independent and so it’s not like you won’t ever find anyone.

Unfortunately, you just have to push past the pricks to find the rose.

I think he is genuinely terrified of me dumping him

I'm sure he is.

A man in his 50s who clearly prefers younger women is not going to give up on a young woman who is happy to stay with him despite him lying to her from the get to.

As others have said, if you are happy to date men in their 50s, you will have absolutely no shortage of men to choose from, so why insist upon this one?

I just meant if she likes him and they are getting on well is all.Obv not all young men are unreliable. My own Son has just got married! DD has had similar experience s is all!

I read recently that age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.

Is his name Gru?

I was born in 71 and I feel knackered 😁

I am sure you are a great catch but there is no way on earth that a 79 year old has the energy of a 50 year old. I work in healthcare and I strongly disagree with this.

Also, you seem to be obsessed with younger women being "gold diggers" - why arent you looking for women who are also in their 70s to date?

To say younger women are gold diggers is no different to saying their older partners are dirty old men/predators

@Crumpet444 tell him you know his age. Let him explain.

Would you have picked a 54 year old divorcee with children, who wants more children.?

Yes I would bring it up. For me it’s mainly the lying … but in this case it’s also the age difference. It may still seem ok now, 36-54. But how about 46-64? 56-74? 66-84? Last one especially is a massive difference! I understand you’re disappointed but I would not want him. (Saying this as someone of nearly his age!)

I think that’s quite a big age gap. He’s the same age as my H and I’m 8 years younger. It didn’t really matter in the early days but as he gets older it makes much more of a difference.

Plus yes the lying is a reg flag.

I wouldn't say this was automatically a sackable offence.

My brother shaved 5 years off his age when he was online dating. He met and fell in love with a woman he met via an app and had to come clean eventually. Luckily she didn't hold it against him and they are now married with a baby and very happy. They laugh about it as a funny story because the family in-joke is that my brother is very vain! In his case it was pure vanity and nothing else. Apart from fancying himself a bit too much he is a great husband and father and very trustworthy and devoted to his family. If she had dumped him over it, then they would have missed out on their happiness.

If he checks out in all other areas then I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

This is a lovely balanced outlook

I think it's relevant to ask yourself if youd have been interested knowing about the age gap. Lying isn't good but we all do it sometimes. Possibly just insecurity rather than anything sinister.

Oh come on he’s a 54 year old man. He man’s up and deals with it. He’s far more likely to lose you if he continues the lie. The fact he hasn’t speaks volumes. It’s very clear he’s not worrying how to broach it at all otherwise he could have taken the opportunity when you questioned him.

Ime there are people who lie and people don’t.

I think your tendency to dump quickly is leading you to overcompensate and not dump quickly when you should.

God that’s really unattractive, lying and desperate. How have you not got the ick?

Yeah bit different to 18 year age gap and lying to OPs face.

I think you really like him op, this is the issue, you’re making all these flattering assumptions and statements, instead you’re with someone who lied to your face, and had no issues doing it, and when you turn 50 will be wirh a man knocking on 70.

I am being a cat by writing this, but the few that I know who are in that position had affairs with much younger women, were found out and suddenly found themselves divorced and with a new family within two years.

They most certainly were NOT looking to start a second family but looking for fun with colleagues etc.

They got found out, thrown out, suddenly divorced, pregnant and having to commit to the second relationship with a woman much younger, whom they might have only viewed as a bit of a diversion.
They are now seen red faced with stress as they juggle toddlers and a younger woman who isn't half as soft as they earlier seemed.😂

They have young adult children that think they are a joke and they are almost a walking warning to other men on what not to do.

All have plenty of money, but are definitely the butt of jokes.
All 3 ex wives are thriving despite huge initial upset, hurt and shock.

All 3 men are jokes and twats IMO.
One such man is my friends BIL so it definitely is a story that entertains us, as she thinks he is a complete idiot who blew up his life.

This.

I think the situation here is slightly different given he didn’t have an affair, it was his ex wife. I think he would have happily stayed married otherwise as he seemed pretty cut up about it and regretful given he has children.
he didn’t have an affair with a younger model and then get binned.
I can see how otherwise it would be an unattractive look!

Thank you.
I either lived in better times or, maybe more likely, just led a charmed life i guess.

How did I miss that the age gap was 18 years?!

Yeah, that does change things somewhat.