Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

I’m finding your responses very interesting. There’s nothing in what you’ve written that suggests you genuinely see this as a sackable offence. In fact, most of your posts are defending him in some way. If that’s the case and you do decide to keep him on, you’ll be teaching him everything he needs to know about your boundaries.

In my early 20s I dated a man who knocked at least 10 years off his age. I dumped him after 5 years because it took me a while to learn that a man who lies about his age to get a woman is not someone worth dating. I adored the last man I dated before meeting DH — he was in his early 40s and had taken a few years off because he discovered it widened his dating pool. His argument was that he was “youthful” and set the age he felt rather than his actual one. Once bitten, twice shy, I dumped him immediately. He was everything I wanted until he ‘fessed up, because I certainly wasn’t looking for a liar who felt no qualms about manipulating women into dating him.

he's actually really good looking and I'm super attracted to him, I am surprised he's older tbh

I’d bin him off for two reasons. Firstly, he lied directly to your face. Age and experience mean that’s instant legs clamping shut territory for me, I simply couldn’t bring myself to shag a liar.
Secondly, he’s a bit thick isn’t he? Two months you've been dating and he’s not considered that you might find out? He is clearly a man who doesn’t think through the consequences of his own actions. And he doesn’t value honesty. Nope, in the bin.

I'm trying to take the whole thing in the round alongside everything else I know and have experienced about him, because it seems so incongruous. I've also been told by family that I am too quick to ditch people because I do generally have very firm boundaries. I don't want to be a mug but equally not everyone is perfect. Hence why exploring here.

Yep, this...... And if they do anything wrong, they will always try to wriggle out of it, make out they're not wrong, they've done nothing wrong, and in actual fact, it is YOU who is in the wrong. A very common trait in most men. My own DH was the same (still is very occasionally.) He would fall over himself, reaching to the ends of the earth to blame me for something that he had done wrong. In the early days I didn't say much - and even wondered at the back of my mind if it was my fault. But as I got older, I got wiser, and could see what he was doing.

It came to a head one time about 15 years ago - when he was in an arsey mood one day (I have no idea why,) and he went into the bathroom for his 'ablutions' which always take half an hour to 40 minutes!! He came out after about 20 minutes all red-faced and frowning, with an angry look on his face. I said what's wrong with you?!' He said 'my fucking phone is broken, because of you.' I was like

I said 'how the hell have I done something to break your phone?' He said 'I was looking at a message from YOU, when I dropped my phone and it's smashed on the floor. The screen is fucked and it keeps switching off within 2 minutes of me switching it on, for fuxake!!!' I said 'what the hell, I haven't even sent you a message!' On further investigation, it turned out he was looking a message I had put on Twitter, commenting on last night's Coronation Street, and it was when he was looking at this, that he dropped the phone.' (Allegedly.) The message wasn't even aimed at him!

But still, it was MY fault that his phone was broken.

I went postal. I said 'oh no you don't! How DARE you blame me when you broke the fucking thing yourself?! You will go around the moon and back to try and find a reason why something is my fault when it's YOURS. You can get to fuck. How DARE you blame me - how fucking dare you?!' He was like I said 'I've had 20 years of this shit, you blaming me for stuff when it's not my fault, because you can't admit you're in the wrong. I'm not having it anymore!' Then I stormed out.

Even if he did something 'wrong' when driving (like going through a red light, and a car nearly hits us,) he'd say 'fucking hell that's you talking to me! ' Even if I haven't said anything for 2 minutes!

If he banged the car door against his leg, he'd say 'that's you leaving your coat in the car!' Just any reason, no matter how vague, (or non existent) to blame me .. ANYthing.

tl;dr, most men ALWAYS find a way to blame anyone else but themselves!

p.s. DH very rarely blames me for anything now, even if it is actually my fault. He doesn't like it when I'm very angry! And I was angry at him blaming me for stuff that wasn't my fault (every time he did something wrong/made a mistake!)

.

Op, I’m surprised at your comment that they all do this to go for younger women, they don’t. You mist have met some shit men,

I think it’s clear from your posts you are going to excuse this, but are disturbed by it, which most would be, he’s nearly two decades older than you, and it will become very apparent soon enough.

i honestly do think you’re being naive, he doesn’t want more kids, he said that as he thought you might and to reel you in. It’s just another lie. As for most women your age they would wish kids, playing law of averages. He simply wants younger women and is willing to lie to them to get it;

as such, you will have a sell by date, and will always be watching him round young women.

I was just astounded that pp was so brutal about middle aged people!

He said he might want more kids after I said I wasn't necessarily bothered so I really don't think it was to 'reel me in'. If he attempts to minimise or blame shift or deflect in any way it would have to be game over unfortunately. I will still be a little wary going forward even if he takes full accountability and apologises.

Are you SURE its the same man

I say this because there is another man in my town with the same name as me, he's in his 70s, I'm in my 40's, there is often confusion because we are in similar businesses

back in the day Jessops used to get our photos mixed up. If its a common enough name it could be another "John Smith" on companies house.

Two things

1 the lying

2 the fact that he is a man who lies about his age online to get women. Its not the case that he met you and was so bowled over that he was worried about losing you so lied. No, he goes around trying to seduce women by pretending to be 5 years younger

Hes a creep, sack him off xx

Edit, his creepy behaviour means there's 100% more skeletons in his closet

I would no more believe a 54 year old man that he wants more kids, even at 48.
I find that completely unbelievable and 100% think he said that just in case it was an issue.

Such a ridiculous statement is nearly worse than his age lie.
Men in their mid 50's running around after toddlers are laughing stock behind their backs in my very MC urban, professional setting.
Men laugh even harder than women!

Apologies if that is harsh, but its true.

It's really not a common name, and also the birth month was correct. Would be far too much of a coincidence, and the directorship tallies with his current job if that makes sense. It's more likely CH is wrong than it's a different person entirely.

I would imagine he dropped his age so that he stood more chance of a female picking him off of a dating site, if that’s what it was. I have never or will never go on these dating sites despite being a single straight fella for many years, Supposing i did go on one, how many females would respond if I put my true age on , I am 78 & three quarters but have the energy of a fifty year old ,maybe a few younger gold diggers would respond to check out my worth.
I have daughters & granddaughters, it’s one of the reasons I have been on MN since 2011

😭 really? Thats so funny

So dating a younger woman makes you cool but starting a second family makes you a joke? 👀👀

I'd kind of be ok if he didn't want more kids tbh but I get men say they are 'open' to it to attract more women. I would only want them with the right person, I'm not out desperately in search of a baby daddy asap because my clock is ticking or anything.

@ByWisePanda ·

There's one positive he has good genes most people at his age looks fucked

At 54? Really? I don't know anyone who looks 'fucked' at 54. I am around that age, and I bloody well don't. Neither does my DH, or anyone else in we know around our age. Indeed, many people still look fine/look good 64, and 74. (And even older...) Especially women. Some men still look OK, but more women do, (despite the centuries-old myth that men age better.)

You must know a lot of people in their mid 50s, who are heavy smokers, heavy drinkers, and who do (or used to do) drugs.

Also, just an aside, it makes me laugh because I've had 60, even 70 year olds comment on my photos and try to match with me. Like the audacity never ends 😂

Aw, I am so sorry you are aging so poorly.

The women I know in their 50s look vibrant and healthy. Have you considered changing your lifestyle?

I never experienced any lying like this when OLD but I hated it when men would message me and their preferred age range on their profile was younger than me but they were more than 10 years older than me. Never responded to them, some men are so ridiculous when it comes to age😂

OP said it's him as details of the businesses he's involved in check out under his CH profile.

Hmm, looks like the same one to me then - I'd think companies house was accurate.

To me there are two separate issues you face:

He has lied to you, despite you questioning his age (when he was able to fess up).

He is 18 years older - he's attractive to you now, but extrapolate it out, 10 years, 20 years etc. down the line - would you still be interested when he's 64 and you are still in your 40's, how that going to work with kids etc...

Well yeah, the only men I ever see (in their 50s) running around after toddlers, are grandfathers. The only people I see in their 50s (or older) with toddlers who are theirs, are famous people. Never see it in real life - only on Mumsnet. And I live in a middle class/upper middle class village. And even here, most professional/uni educated women and men have children before their early 40s. Usually the first by 33-ish, and the last by around 39.

Most professional, middle class people I know only have 1 child, most have no more than 2. (Not these days.) Men may be able to father children past 50, but this is a very good example of 'just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD....'

Your clock is ticking though and if you do want kids with the right person you’ve only got around 5 years. If you hadn’t been clued up and looked him up, you could have wasted a year of your life on him.

When I met my ex husband I was 19 and he told me he was 26. He was actually 33 but had lied as he didn't think I would go out with him if he had told me his real age. I was too much in love with him so I forgave him for lying to me but it was just the start of his lies and I finally saw sense 17 yrs later.

Totally agree. I’ve ignored red flags in the past - I’m sure many of us have - as it’s easy to minimise things when we want something to work out but it’s always been a mistake. This is a significant lie and he didn’t come clean when given the opportunity in person.

@Crumpet444 I know you’ve said that all men go for younger women but that’s not necessarily the case - there are some decent men out there, admittedly harder to find. I would be most concerned about the lie but the very significant age gap does raise potential questions as well, even if there’s a plausible reason like wanting more children. It’s the two things together that would particularly concern me. He may still turn out to be ok but I would proceed with extreme caution, need to know what drove him to lie, see genuine remorse and expect everything to be laid on the table now.