Im a Broken man..... what do I do :( Please be nice...

[Mrmilford]

Long winded I know....first up im ADHD/ASD so my brain is frazzled enough already!
Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
When I say we have tried everything.... trust me we really have.
We both know a lot of it is age related, menopause issues etc but its now at the stage im a broken man. I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc. There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... but I dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I dont want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great I still just stay as I can not see life without her in it.

Do people think I just need to man up and leave, should I seek professional help etc or just stay so she is in my life even though though its not perfect. I really am soooo sad and lonely and head fried.

Thanks for reading.

If you don’t want to spend your life without her then I don’t see how leaving her will help - you really will be sad and lonely then.

If she is the same age as you it could just be the life stage - menopause etc. It doesn’t mean this is the way things will be forever. If you love her you should be supporting her through any of the changes she might be experiencing. This is where the vow “in sickness and in health” comes into play I think. Although menopause isn’t an illness, the symptoms can be horrific for some women. Help her through it and the affection might come back in time.

Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care

It doesn't sound like you care about her perspective either. Can you imagine how it would feel if someone you had no sexual desire for was constantly hinting at sex, asking for cuddles and kisses?

Either stop pressuring her or leave.

I don't think you are talking about female interaction or cuddling, I think you might be talking about being desired and wanted sexually and your wife wanting to have sex with you?

It is very difficult when this sort of thing goes away and reading "Mating in Captivity" might help. The solution depends on some further questions - does your wife not want sex at all with anyone, is it mostly her physical menopause symptoms? Is what you want sex, rather than sex and love together? If that's the case you could explore opening the marriage on a carefully boundaried basis. She can't expect to say no sex anymore but everything else remains the same.

Or is your wife just not feeling a deep connection with you? - in which case would she try some therapeutic intervention with you, maybe there are long standing resentments or problems that weren't solved in the relationship from earlier years which can lurk just below our conscious mind and basically stop us fancying someone. Are you aware of other problems you've had? - anything you or she has done that broke a sense of trust (financially, in terms of shared domestic work, attitudes to children, in laws, work, etc etc.?) These can come out in a deeper feeling of "not being safe" with someone and not wanting to have sex with them. Again, some therapy might help.

Do you think your wife actually wants to change anything or is she ok with how things are? As, if you're not happy, then she doesn't get to be the only one who decides "this is fine".

And finally have you got children at home as the bar for "how unhappy I am at a deep level" is considerably higher when you are thinking of destabilising the children. If there are yoing kids, ccould you put off your search for deeper fulfilment on their account without harming yourself, and if so for how long?

Have you considered therapy, just for yourself first, to try to work out where you stand - just you yourself, as an individual - and why you feel the way you do?

It's very easy to suggest therapy, but not always easy in practice: you may not have the time or the money. It won't give you easy answers either, but it might help you understand yourself and your situation better, and to work out your next step(s).

If you fancy exchanging a few messages, a bit of support, PM me (M58, married, had some struggles.)

I’m sorry you are feeling so unloved. It’s very hard.

I’m afraid my experience is that when you are ready to move on, the ‘I will adore you forever, I can’t live without you’ switches over very quickly to a new situation. So I wouldn’t worry too much about the future.

Has she ever suggested marriage counselling in the past, which you have said no to? Would she consider it now? Tbh it sounds like neither of you can hear each other at all, perhaps you both feel as if you are shouting into a blank wall. I would say that you are feeling unsure whether you can continue and that you want to have say 3 sessions with a counsellor. And then organise it, if she will agree. Ask around, get recommendations.

Every single post like this is about sex, they talk about attention and affection but they always mean sex
For whatever reason OP your wife does not want to have sex with you, that is her right and its your right to leave her if you can't continue in a marriage like that

I think this is very difficult for both of you most likely and I can see both sides. I can understand this feeling lonely and like a bit of a rejection for you, but equally I can see it being difficult for her if you're asking her a lot as that would create pressure to perform which would have the opposite effect than what you need.

You haven't really gone into details of what you've tried so it's hard to advise but my immediate thought would be if she's gone to the gp to talk to them about menopause symptoms if she's your age and if the gp has been able to offer anything to help with that. I'm also wondering if marriage counselling might help because - especially for many women- sexuality and libido are tied to emotional safety and support. Does your wife carry more of the mental load at home for example because if she's burnt out or stressed or exhausted then her libido will naturally suffer. So I'd also want to have a look at routines and responsibilities within the home and ensure things are balanced or if she needs more help that can't be provided by you then could that be outsourced without creating financial stress. You also need to consider if there's any other emotional factors such as if you have young children/ issues with sleep/infidelity past or current on either part/ bereavement etc.

It's very positive that you're able to talk about this.

This.

Id like to bet that if she came to you just for a "cuddle", you'd start trying to shag her. That's why she doesn't want to cuddle you. Im not saying that to be mean, but that's the truth.

I went through a dry patch in my marriage, DH has never been very huggy, it really hurt me, we still laughed and got on very well but a marriage without physical affection can be really awful. I think people are being a bit harsh on OP.

OP try suggesting counselling.

If she no longer cares about how you feel and isn't willing to try to have any kind of intimate relationship with you then l think it sounds like it's over.
You say its been going on for 6/7 years and you've tried everything so what does that mean? Are you still affectionate with each other, hold hands, hug and kiss or is it now purely platonic? If there's some affection then there's a chance you could rekindle things but if she's checked out completely then it's not likely.
Is her wish to stay together as friends or would she prefer to part ways? It sounds like she is content as things are but if you are as unhappy as you say then you may have to make the decision to part ways.

Hormones have a big part to play in the dynamics in relationships but being perimenopausal doesn’t make it normal to just shut down emotionally, not want any sort of affection/ physical contact etc.
A combination of hormonal problems, poor mh and issues within the relationship can make this happen.
It happened to me and being in the height of peri with small dc, I just put it down to that.
Then my partner started to really suffer emotionally and I realised that things had to change and we had to reconnect with each other. Once we started to, I realised how much it had been affecting me too.
Since then the problems I’ve had from peri have unfortunately worsened but my relationship is thankfully much, much better.
The main thing is u have to really understand each other’s feelings and both want to save the relationship.

Broken man, I'll be very gentle and polite and will give you an example from real life.
I never enjoyed sex and stopped immediately when I learned my own value, at 42.
My husband of 20 years is significantly older (relevant), very healthy and decent.
I offered him a split, amicable divorce (since
I have my own assets etc. and would rather divorce than have sex EVER again). That was 5 years ago.
His response was that our marriage and us being partners is far more important than physical stuff, although we do cuddle and express emotions.
All good now and both happy.
So you have to decide - you aren't 75, I presume, so you either help yourself and stay married, or you leave in search for sex.
Sorry if I absolutely don't understand the appeal.
And yes, as a young woman I did have sex, but obviously for the wrong reasons.

I think it can definitely come across like that which is why it's important to try counselling or similar. Sometimes what couples need to do is actually take sex completely so they can rebuild other types of affection without fear of expectation of that progressing into sex. Op may not necessarily need to be attempting or intending to attempt anything other than affection but his wife could be anxious about that off her own bat as she's also bound to be aware they're in a dry spell. It's not really fair to assume that op is pressuring her given that he's also just talking about having a partner giving you a hug or a cuddle without having to be asked for it.

Imagine a man wanting to have sex with his wife. Awful. Shudder.

In my experience, woman going through perimenopause and menopause are learning to stop catering to everyone else’s needs and finally finding their voice. Is it possible that she has realized that your sex life has always been about pleasing you and now she doesn’t feel like it’s worth her time or effort anymore?

if she genuinely has stopped engaging in any physical intimacy at all with you, then you should find a good couples therapist. But if you’re leaning into hyperbole, and you still even have a little bit of intimate time together, I would recommend putting your own needs aside for a while and genuinely lean into finding out what really makes her feel good (not necessarily what she’s told you made her feel good in the past, either). Stop focusing on orgasm and focus on the process of making her feel good. Start learning (through reading books written for couples and women, not reading men’s magazines and actual videos about the topic, not through experiences with others or porn) about female-centered pleasure. Start learning about female orgasm, especially post menopausal orgasm. Start building the kind of relationship in which physical intimacy is so much more than just sex, and you can’t keep your hands off each other, not in an amateurish teenage way but in an “I love and desire you so much that I just want to touch your hand, your hair, the small of your back” kind of way).

this is an incredible opportunity for you to build a bridge to an astonishingly beautiful and intimate marriage, but you’re going to have to put her needs first and really truly make an effort, for some time, to get there. You can accept the challenge or not, but aren’t you curious how good things can get?

You want the best of both worlds, you want to keep your wife but only on your terms op.

She no longer wants sex, it’s unlikely to be personal however have you always worked hard to ensure she has an orgasm? Have you pleasured her? Or are you like lots of other men and quite selfish in bed? If she has spent decades dealing with mediocre one sided sex then it’s really no wonder she is fed up. Have you asked her to be honest with you?

At the moment you are blaming the ‘menopause’ and taking zero accountability for the position you are in.

I would suggest couples counselling.

I think relationships that have been good, come through menopause just fine. When you’ve navigated work, pregnancy, children etc and the peaks and troughs that those things mean for affection and sex, as a team, then when you have felt that your partner has been an equal and listened over the years, then all is fine.

However, as a pp said, many women start to really think of their own needs and stop all the people pleasing when they go through the menopause, so if you’ve been a shit partner, she’s going to stop pandering to you. It’s a shock for a lot of men when the woman starts to act more like they have throughout the relationship.

A man who wants to have sex with his wife who doesn't want to have sex with him. Yes, shudder indeed.

There will be no cuddling unless you completely take sex off the table, at least for a while. She doesn't feel comfortable getting close because she knows it comes with expectations.

That was what my marriage was like after the first few years. We loved each other deeply, but when you both work all hours God sends and barely spend time at home, you don't make time for the other person because you're knackered, then you drift apart. My DH and I were more like room mates for a while and we confronted it a handful of times to no avail because we made such a mealy effort.

Work was a prominent feature in our lives that we forgot why we were together. We're worlds away from that now, though. We went through the thick of it and came out the other side together and stronger than ever. We were on the brink of parting ways and it hurt us both each time it was mentioned, so we confronted it aggressively.

There's a reason why marriage is hard. It's not for the faint of heart and it's a serious undertaking. It's so much more than a piece of paper and legal protections, it's a union that takes an awful lot of work and once you've figured it out and understand it, you'll both be so happy and thankful you stuck it out.

Like a PP said; imagine a man wanting to have sex with his wife. The horror, the cheek of him to ask for affection from the woman he married. I mean, honestly.

Then it's a sexless marriage and the OP has a right to look elsewhere. Women will do exactly the same. Humans crave affection and intimacy. Don't get married if you can't handle even the most basic of expectations. Don't string them along just for when you fancy having a bit ooh once a year or whatever.

I think the poster meant until their issues are resolved?

Great advice.

Man: "My wife left me."
MN: "Oh well you shouldn't have kept asking her for intimacy."

Woman: "My husband left me."
MN: "What a pig of a man. You'll find someone better than him."

The way I saw it was Dh was the only person I could have/wanted to have sex with. We had to have a proper chat about it and like OP I reached for non sexual affection (because I missed that too). It was very much a crunch moment for us. I made it really clear that I wasn’t demanding sex just wanting to know of that kind of intimacy was still on the table in our relationship. It’s ok to want that in a marriage.

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