Im a Broken man..... what do I do :( Please be nice...

[Mrmilford]

Long winded I know....first up im ADHD/ASD so my brain is frazzled enough already!
Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
When I say we have tried everything.... trust me we really have.
We both know a lot of it is age related, menopause issues etc but its now at the stage im a broken man. I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc. There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... but I dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I dont want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great I still just stay as I can not see life without her in it.

Do people think I just need to man up and leave, should I seek professional help etc or just stay so she is in my life even though though its not perfect. I really am soooo sad and lonely and head fried.

Thanks for reading.

Misses the point entirely...

Sex is not the foundation of a loving relationship. It’s a very small part of it, and tends to fade as the rush of lust and infatuation gives way to genuine affection and connection. The idea that sex=love is a very male perspective, and causes a lot of men to pester their spouse for sex in a desperately entitled way. You can absolutely love someone without wanting to fuck them. Don’t come at me with that ‘making love’ crap, that’s a romantic fantasy that makes a lot of people think they are in love, when it’s actually just a rush of hormones.

She can't force herself to feel sexual desire. It's not really fair to say to her how would you feel if I didn't want it? I mean she'd presumably be fine with it seeing as her sex drive is so low. So it's not a sensible question.

I hope you can get through it together. Therapy for both of you?

How can therapy fix such a fundamental incompatability?

Love, partnership, and mutual support without sex? That isn't a marriage.

Thats quite a sad way of looking at marriage. The happiest marriages I know are the ones that are based on love, partnership and mutual support - they are together because they love each other. They are the marriages where they are still holding hands in their 90s.

All the divorcees I know think more like you - everything is about sex, so they split up cheat, etc because the strong foundations of real love just aren’t there.

Sex is not a 'very small part' of a healthy relationship. It is a significant part, for many people. Just because a lot of Mumsnet seem to be asexual doesn't meant that it is unreasonable to want to have a healthy sex life.

Ugh not another man moaning about not getting enough sex.

I agree, but whenever a man starts a thread on here about his marriage, it's always, every time, about his perceived lack of sex.

Some women do, as well. It is a perfectly reasonable complaint IMO, whoever makes it.

Damn there’s nothing lonelier than a marriage without intimacy and if sex (which it usually is) is the way that intimacy is shown, then it’s ok to expect it and want it.
I too wouldn’t even get hugs from my husband. I was distraught and sad and lonely. Even him holding my hand would’ve been something. After two decades I left him. I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore. I am sorry you are in this situation OP. There’s a lot of good advice here (and some silly posts) but what’s important is communication and understanding what is behind the apathy. Yes it could be hormonal, it could be that she was unsatisfied sexually. But contrary to some I think it is beholden on her to explain what turns her on, to say what her needs are. yes lots of men are terrible lovers, but so are lots of women and we need to talk to each other. It’s not rocket science and telepathy does not work.

If your wife hasn’t already seen the GP for help with the menopause, I would gently suggest this. Broken sleep, night sweats etc are totally draining and exhausting if she’s experiencing anything like this. Even on low dose HRT I still get pretty tired & don’t always sleep well. Does she have work/children/elderly parents, other pressures & demands on her time? Do you ever get time just on your own together as a couple, a night without the kids, weekend away?

I genuinely commend you for wanting to resolve this, it’s not easy on either of you to be in this situation. Do you fully support her emotionally and practically eg actively participate in tasks around the house? Menopause can cause a shift in how you feel about yourself, eg facing up to the reality of getting older and in my experience, the symptoms can be utterly exhausting. Do you laugh together, chat about the old days of when you met, remind each other why you fell in love? Have you asked her if there is anything you can do for her that you are not already doing, offer support? Best of luck to you both.

What’s her perspective on it? Does she want to resolve the issue or does she think there is no issue? Is there anything she thinks you could do to help the situation?

As much as some posters might disagree, I don’t think it’s typical for someone at 51 years old to be content with no sex or affection forever, and it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to just accept that.

6-7 years is a long time and not just a dry spell, so I don’t think being patient and waiting for it to pass is going to work. I would try couples counselling, if she refuses then have a very frank discussion and be prepared to leave if she’s unwilling to work on the issue. If you stay resentment will probably destroy the marriage anyway.

I would suggest couples therapy. If she agrees it shows she’s willing to try. If she doesn’t it shows she’s already checked out. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don't know but if they want to move forward it could be worth a try.

I see therapy suggested a lot on here, but it only works if there is something to fix. If she really doesn't want sex, she needs a doctor to see why that is, as there is likely a biochemical reason. Either that, or she simply does not want sex with him, in which case the marriage is over and no amount of therapy will save it, it merely delays the inevitable.

I totally agree that just not wanting sex at age 51 is far from normal, it speaks to a medical issue.

Yeah that could well be the case. Some people find sex/relationship therapy helpful but they do have to want to start having sex again.

😐

To fix this, the OP would have to engage in honest discussion. If they can’t do it on this thread, I’m not sure it’s likely to happen in real life.

Is there a Mumsnet term for people who write a post but never come back to it? (May be too soon to say that’s what’s happened here, of course.)

You're not lonely @Mrmilford . She's there. You're not lacking in affection. She cuddles and chats with you in bed.

You're talking about wanting sex. Be honest and upfront.

80% of women get huge bodily changes before/during/after menopause. Sex drive can totally disappear. Her vagina may have shrunk and become dry.

IF those changes have happened for her, sex would be painful and maybe not even possible if her vagina has shrunk. Sex could tear the inner skin of the vagina. It could give her bladder infections. Orgasm may no longer be possible. If you don't believe me, read up on vaginal atrophy. Or check out this thread on here: Page 3 | Vulva & Clitoris Shrinkage | Mumsnet

If you want your wife, you have to accept she is probably no longer capable of sex.

If sex is more important to you (and this is fair enough, but be honest with yourself), you will need to leave.

You sound like a nice man .Its unfashionable to say so ,but men and women have very different sexual urges .Most men would like Sex for as long as possible into old age .Many women (not all) dont feel that same drive sadly.With Menopause and pressure from family life .work etc thrown in.You say you dont want to divorce, but many men will look for a younger wife for this reason. You have a choice .If you are friends with DW then you can continue .If you want more you will need to get divorced sadly.You cant have it both ways !

Potentially, yes, but it does have other effects which often include weight gain, and health risks attached to it so it is not just a quick acting magic patch. It doesn't fix issues when things ramp up such as other health problems that are probably not connected to menopause - but who knows - or pressures from (for example) other family members whose situation is deteriorating. HRT plus lots of time to exercise and do fulfilling things to keep you sparky is probably the golden option, but life doesn't often give you 3 out of 3.

Except it’s very likely that the sex issue is not the problem but a symptom of ami h bigger issue.

And any way, no one is entitled to sex. And no one should ever feel that they have to force themselves to have sex to keep their marriage.

If someone has any issue with sex and it’s enough of a problem for them, then they should leave.
If I was at the place of the OP, I’d think twice. Leaving doesn’t mean sex Will be available. Hed need to find someone first.
Then he is ND, which might well create problems in itself re finding a new partner. And theres the upheaval of divorce, moving house, different routine that might be highly problematic for him. Thetes a question on much he is relying on his wife for day to day living.
And before anyone screams at me, I’m coming there from 2 angles. Living with a dh who is autistic and still needs scaffolding despite working/spearmint well etc… and myself having a (physical) disability (just like the OP has a disability).
Decisions
like separation when you’re disabled take in, by default, a different shape.

Have you tried smiling more?

In this particular case, the OP is autistic. They might need more time to digest what posters said before answering.
Some of stuff might have been triggering and they need to settle down from the overwhelmed.

Many reasons that explain it’s a not ‘write and run’ situation.