Im a Broken man..... what do I do :( Please be nice...

[Mrmilford]

Long winded I know....first up im ADHD/ASD so my brain is frazzled enough already!
Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
When I say we have tried everything.... trust me we really have.
We both know a lot of it is age related, menopause issues etc but its now at the stage im a broken man. I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc. There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... but I dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I dont want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great I still just stay as I can not see life without her in it.

Do people think I just need to man up and leave, should I seek professional help etc or just stay so she is in my life even though though its not perfect. I really am soooo sad and lonely and head fried.

Thanks for reading.

And what's wrong with that? Sex helps people feel closer, feel connected and loved. Making the unilateral decision to withdraw it naturally makes the other party feel rejected and unloved.

God men are so transparent. Why don't you just say 'I want sex and my wife doesn't'?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his wife.

Agreed, and what they are generally after is shagging other people while staying married.

You sound quite needy OP. It is all about what you want and not about looking at things from your wife's point of view.

OP - a few books that might help you right now.

The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida. Google search it, and you can find PDFs of it online for free. Start with 29: "Choose a Woman Who Chooses You". Then read everything. It's a short book. You'll want to keep coming back to it.

And then:

Just Listen, by Mark Goulston. This book helped save my marriage. When you're ready to have the tough conversations with your wife, this book will help you lead them.

You're not a broken man.

You're a man who remains committed to a woman who checked out your marriage years ago. Yes, marriage is about sex. There are some people who choose to work a job for free, because they want to do something meaningful with their time, belong to something bigger themselves, etc. and don't really care about bringing home a wage. But for most of us, we'd stop working a job if it stopped paying. And for most normal, emotionally healthy people, sex is a requisite of marriage. That's why they call it "making love".

Maybe you can save your marriage. None of us here are in a position to assess that. But I know that you would never be at peace with yourself unless you gave it everything you can. So, read these two books. Be prepared to change everything in your life, including your woman. Be prepared to acknowledge and accept anything she might tell you, even if it's painful.

If she doesn't want you, there are literally THOUSANDS of other eligable women you would find attractive, when you're ready to love again. After being in a sexless - loveless - marriage for so long, you may feel that nobody would ever want you. But you're wrong. You might need to shape up, pick yourself up again, refresh your style, etc. But there are so many women around your age, a bit younger, a bit older, who'd give their right arm to find and keep a good man.

Don't waste your life staying with someone who doesn't want you. But don't throw away years of marriage based on some advice from the internet. Read those two books. Walk the hard road ahead. And whatever happens, you'll be okay - whether YOU decide to give your marriage more time or find someone else.

Your wife is entitled to not want to have sex with you, or to not want to have sex at all. Her body, her choice.

You are entitled to refuse to stay in a sexless marriage. Your life, your choice.

You cannot control your wife’s actions, but you can control your own. If you have reached the point of deciding that the current situation is untenable and something has to change, you need to tell her that. Very clearly. She needs to know that her marriage is at risk if things don’t change, then it’s up to her & the ball is in her court. Obviously, if you’re going to do this, you have to be prepared to actually end the marriage if nothing changes. Are you?

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Thanks. Your advice has been atrocious.

I know how he feels because he set it out. What he didn't even touch on was how his wife is feeling.

There's only one person projecting all over this thread and it isn't me.

Thanks @MyWiseAquaPoster I haven’t had such a good laugh in ages.

Marriage is about sex?? Seriously? For fucks sake. Marriage is about love and partnership and mutual support. You are not there just for the sex. Hop back in your Time Machine, the 50’s want you back

Thats exactly how I felt and I’m a woman. This isn’t about being a sex pest. But OP you may have to consider whether her not being interested in sex can be something you can move past or not. She doesn’t owe anyone sex but equally you don’t have to stay married if the marriage is no longer working for you.

Eh, you can't get it right every time. The crime I've committed here appears to be not apportioning blame on a man for his own wife not being sexually attracted to him because she's going through the menopause. The general consensus seems to be that the man should be made to feel lonely and worthless and I simply don't stand for that.

Nevermind. Tomorrow is a new day.

I don't agree that marriage is solely about sex but it is a fundamental part of it. If both parties aren't interested anymore then fine but that isn't the case here. The OP's wife has decided seemingly without a conversation that she's done with it. It is deeply unfair to him, it's hurtful and it is a rejection and I'm not surprised it makes him feel unloved.

Man doesn't want to have sex? What a worthless pathetic loser. Man does want to have sex? Deviant sex pest.

They can't win.

What @TheGrimSmile is talking about is not just "a man wanting to have sex with his wife".

It's the situation that no physical connection of affection can take place with out the man turning into an opportunity to have sex. Physical affection of any kind must lead to sex. Or is at least expected to lead to sex. I've been in a relationship like that it was awful.

I stopped being affectionate because I didn't want sex EVERY TIME we kissed or hugged and resented that I was being pushed toward that each and every time. He's now an ex.

If you haven't had sex with your wife for 6 or 7 years your marriage is over. She's had plenty of time to see the GP and get help with any menopause symptons etc that affect desire. She's happy with the status quo. You aren't. End the marriage with kindness and look for a proper full reciprocating relationship. You are just housemates now.

Of course there isn't, but to pester a wife who doesn't want it makes a bad situation worse.
People change and grow, if they grow in different directions, especially when it comes to sex, it can cause irreparable damage in any relationship.

Maybe the wife is off sex for medical reasons, maybe she just doesn't want him anymore. I wonder if they have had a good heart-to-heart about the reasons, that would surely be the first step to deciding what they both want to do.

When you ask your wife, what does she says? It is hard living with someone with ADHD, (I am generalising I know) we tend to be quite self centered and focused on ourselves. I don't mean to but I always come first after the kids, after 26 years DH knows how I "work" so when I tell him, I am in a bad place he gives me space but I will do things that I absolutely hate just because it will make happy.
Your message is unfortunately quite typical ADHD YOU are struggling, YOU want cuddles, YOU want discussion ect...I get it, genuinely I do but ask yourself what about her? What can you do to help her? Did you actually give it a real go? Or like everything we do, you gave it a very good go and then got bored? A happy, healthy relationship is really hard work but when everything goes up in (self inflicted) flames, my happy place is with my partner.

This is 100 percent true but at the same time it’s not all black and white. There is a reason she doesn’t want sex and perhaps therapy could get to the heart of that. People go through phases of not wanting sex and it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want sex forever.

That's difficult to read. That's my marriage; nearly eight years in my case and, before that, I think my wife viewed sex as a necessary but tiresome chore.

The thing is, I still love her - and I've always supported her. And I know she adores me. Now, she's facing difficult family circumstances with little support - apart from me. There would be no 'kind' way to leave the marriage.

This thread has become quite adversarial, but also contains some wisdom.

Or maybe he wants it all and not just sex. Do you think men only think in black or white?
How do you know he doesn't miss intimacy in all of it's forms? The glue that bonds you together?

I'm not even the biggest fan of a lot of men but being on the other side of this is no joke.

It's an incredibly lonely place to be when your spouse or partner no longer wants you. You just feel a big black hole of emptiness and rejection. Which I might add, is exacerbated by being ADHD, it's called rejection sensitive dysphoria which I also have and I am a woman.

You wouldn't believe what my mind tells me and calls me down to my partner not wanting sex anymore or having a drive or fancying me anymore after 20 years! I feel bereft, I still love and desire my partner and I cannot touch them because of consent which is obviously extremely important and because I don't want to touch someone who doesn't want to touch me. But touch is my love language and I feel so miserable censoring my love.

We are still human beings with feelings. My sex life ended at 37 and I'm now 39. I haven't decided if I want to leave yet but omg it hurts so much.

I feel for this guy, you can tell he loves his wife. No she shouldn't have to touch him. But don't expect people not to be hurt by it or have deep feelings about it.

Men just get bashed on here for having feelings.

@Isayitasitis : Leaving is never easy, but you're very young. You've got decades ahead of you: do you want them to be happy or miserable?

You're very unusual, to put it politely. I don't blame OP for wanting sex. If either I or my husband just went off sex, our marriage would be effectively over.

This is so sad to hear. It truly is so distressing and such a lonely and painful experience. A marriage is supposed to be love and companionship and part of that involves physical intimacy and affection. I really feel for you and for everyone going through this. I hope it gets better for you. You don't deserve to feel this way.

Yes, marriage is about sex. I never said it's only about sex, but for most people sex is the foundation of a loving relationship. Again, that's why they call it "making love". If you think that's funny, the joke is probably on you.

Love, partnership, and mutual support without sex? That isn't a marriage. That's a friendship. And if that's what OP's wife wants, fair play to her. But that's not what OP signed up for and he doesn't have to waste the rest of his life.

There's another thread here were all the Mumsnetters are indignant about a bloke who "ghosted" OP because he didn't text her in four days after their first Tinder date. Your wife ghosted you seven years ago. Apparently, she doesn't feel "that way" about you but doesn't have the decency to tell you. She just wants to string you along. As long as her needs are met, who gives you a toss what you want from the marriage, right? Where's the indigation here, Mumsnet?

OP - read LochSunart's post again.

Reading his words makes me so fucking angry. Not just because of how his wife is treating him - and I'm mindful we only have one side of the story, I'm taking what he says at face value, and he's probably no angel - but angry that someone's confidence and self-esteem can be chipped away at so much that a grown man will write that kind of shit like it's normal and acceptable. For what it's worth, I'd be just as angry if my sisters or any of my female friends were treated the same way. Stringing someone along and pretending you're in a romantic relationship together when you're not, watching them pour their heart out on a lost cause - it's fucking disgusting.

OP, read those two books I recommended. Speak to your wife. Create a safe space where she can tell you the truth. Listen to her. Really listen to her.