Page 2 | Im a Broken man..... what do I do :( Please be nice...

RudolphTheReindeer · 09/12/2025 16:06

I think the pair of you should do counselling if you still love each other. There's more to relationships than affection and sex. Is your wife getting her needs met? It's common for women to be dumped with all the mental load, a unfair proportion of the physical load of running a house/family, not get the emotional support they need, the man makes no effort to make them feel special or loved either, then the man starts whining he's getting no affection and sex. Well no shit Sherlock.

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:09

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 15:56

Then it's a sexless marriage and the OP has a right to look elsewhere. Women will do exactly the same. Humans crave affection and intimacy. Don't get married if you can't handle even the most basic of expectations. Don't string them along just for when you fancy having a bit ooh once a year or whatever.

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Sex and love are not the same thing. There are plenty of couples who deeply love each other but don't want to have sex with each other. In this case it most likely due to hormone changes for the wife. Menopause can mess with the most stable, loving and sexual of women and neither the woman nor the man knows exactly what has happened, how long it will last for or if it will mean it's a permanent change. I don't think she is intentionally stringing him along, she knows she has changed, but she doesn't know if she will always feel this way or if things will revert back to how they were so she doesn't want to throw away the marriage just in case.

LochSunart · 09/12/2025 16:10

I can't see into the mind of @Mrmilford, or his marriage but - fuck it! - I'll still have a bloody good go, through the lens of my own sorry state of a marriage.

I adore my wife (and, as it happens, I know she adores me.) We don't have sex: entirely her choice. I hate being celibate. It's got nothing to do with whether I prioritise her pleasure: she quite simply doesn't want to have sex with me, just as she doesn't want to have sex with a random bloke on the bus. So, to her, better sex = more sex with me = nope.

However - if she said she'd like us to go to bed, and for me to pleasure her - perhaps give her, or help her to have, an orgasm, the flowers would bloom, the birds would sing, and all my birthdays, Christmases and funerals would come at once - because I can hardly think of anything I'd love more than to give her that type of sensual pleasure. And, by God, it would bring us closer together emotionally, let me tell you. Then I could always have a wank later.

A man's desire to love his wife, and to demonstrate that love with physical intimacy, is a precious thing. It's tragic when that love is pushed out of a marriage.

allthingsinmoderation · 09/12/2025 16:15

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
Have you asked your wife how she feels about this?

NovemberMorn · 09/12/2025 16:15

TheGrimSmile · 09/12/2025 15:14

Id like to bet that if she came to you just for a "cuddle", you'd start trying to shag her. That's why she doesn't want to cuddle you. Im not saying that to be mean, but that's the truth.

This 100%.

If your wife no longer fancies you, it would be very hard for her to have sexual intercourse with you, she would have to force herself, and i'm sure no loving husband would want that.
She may have lost her desire for sex completely, or just for you....maybe a long in depth talk would help.
At least then you could both decide what's best for you both...but it sounds like she is happy to remain in the marriage as good friends and companions...and that can work very well for some.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/12/2025 16:17

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2025 15:09

Every single post like this is about sex, they talk about attention and affection but they always mean sex
For whatever reason OP your wife does not want to have sex with you, that is her right and its your right to leave her if you can't continue in a marriage like that

👍

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:20

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:09

Sex and love are not the same thing. There are plenty of couples who deeply love each other but don't want to have sex with each other. In this case it most likely due to hormone changes for the wife. Menopause can mess with the most stable, loving and sexual of women and neither the woman nor the man knows exactly what has happened, how long it will last for or if it will mean it's a permanent change. I don't think she is intentionally stringing him along, she knows she has changed, but she doesn't know if she will always feel this way or if things will revert back to how they were so she doesn't want to throw away the marriage just in case.

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Then he desperately misses the woman he married. My DH felt like this and as soon as I saw how broken he was, that was the moment I put aside all the work rubbish I was so engrossed in and gave him everything of me (best way I can explain without TMI). It was either the job or my marriage. My DH is a very happy man, so I think I chose the right thing.

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:22

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:20

Then he desperately misses the woman he married. My DH felt like this and as soon as I saw how broken he was, that was the moment I put aside all the work rubbish I was so engrossed in and gave him everything of me (best way I can explain without TMI). It was either the job or my marriage. My DH is a very happy man, so I think I chose the right thing.

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Shame you can't just put menopause aside, pretend your body is going through nothing at all, and focus on having sex with your husband instead.

NovemberMorn · 09/12/2025 16:23

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:20

Then he desperately misses the woman he married. My DH felt like this and as soon as I saw how broken he was, that was the moment I put aside all the work rubbish I was so engrossed in and gave him everything of me (best way I can explain without TMI). It was either the job or my marriage. My DH is a very happy man, so I think I chose the right thing.

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As long as you are a very happy woman, you certainly did do the right thing.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:31

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:22

Shame you can't just put menopause aside, pretend your body is going through nothing at all, and focus on having sex with your husband instead.

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So a natural biological process begins, and that's then an excuse to push away the one person who adores you and can't imagine a life without you, is it? Whatever happened to in sickness and in health? You go through things together, not alone.

Thisistyresome · 09/12/2025 16:35

Well this could be two things.
You are fundamentally missing sex and you are saying there is no affection as that is easier to conceptualise.
Or there is genuinely no affection and she is indifferent to you.

Either way you sound clingy.

I would think still sharing a bed is a bad idea. Have you tried to move to another room? If there is no affection this shouldn’t matter. Perhaps stop asking for a hug or affection.

Give it some time you may find the change in pattern means you are less dependent on her and can see a way to move on. It is worth a try to ease your way out of this dependence you seem to have. Perhaps things get better with your wife, perhaps you see you could leave and be happier elsewhere.

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:35

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:31

So a natural biological process begins, and that's then an excuse to push away the one person who adores you and can't imagine a life without you, is it? Whatever happened to in sickness and in health? You go through things together, not alone.

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You are minimising the effects menopause have on some women, not all. It can lead to depression, severe anxiety, insomnia, episodes of rage, pain when having sex, heart palpitations and many other things. It's a chemical imbalance and it's pretty much impossible to control when it gets that bad. It's really unfair to say that if she loved her husband she would control herself.

typicaltuesdaynight · 09/12/2025 16:39

I’m 51 and have lost all my libido thanks to menopause. I feel really sorry for my dh as in truly do love him and I know I hurt his feelings. I really don’t mean to . I do feel in the last few days my libido returning slightly . So there is hope . Life isn’t always easy with kids, aging parents , work and hormones I’m afraid

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:39

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:35

You are minimising the effects menopause have on some women, not all. It can lead to depression, severe anxiety, insomnia, episodes of rage, pain when having sex, heart palpitations and many other things. It's a chemical imbalance and it's pretty much impossible to control when it gets that bad. It's really unfair to say that if she loved her husband she would control herself.

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Interesting. Does HRT fix any of this?

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:41

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:39

Interesting. Does HRT fix any of this?

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It can relieve some of the symptoms but not everyone can take HRT.

Isayitasitis · 09/12/2025 16:41

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 09/12/2025 14:53

Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care

It doesn't sound like you care about her perspective either. Can you imagine how it would feel if someone you had no sexual desire for was constantly hinting at sex, asking for cuddles and kisses?

Either stop pressuring her or leave.

Try imagining how it feels to be constantly rejected by the one you love.

You're only answering that way because it's a man and possibly protecting.

Companionship is also about being physical. It is very important to be feel loved and cherished, otherwise what is the friggin point please?

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:47

RoachFish · 09/12/2025 16:41

It can relieve some of the symptoms but not everyone can take HRT.

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Okay. During IVF, one of the ways I had to keep up estrogen levels was a common HRT treatment; Evorel patches. The hormones seep through your skin. I wonder if that'd help these less easy cases at all?

Pro tip with the patches: Use tattoo film to help keep them in place. They stick pretty well, but not that well.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 16:48

Isayitasitis · 09/12/2025 16:41

Try imagining how it feels to be constantly rejected by the one you love.

You're only answering that way because it's a man and possibly protecting.

Companionship is also about being physical. It is very important to be feel loved and cherished, otherwise what is the friggin point please?

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"Try imagining how it feels to be constantly rejected by the one you love."

This is exactly what I saw with my DH and I still kick myself to this day that I was so far up my own arse to notice at the time. It's pure agony for the man.

Pinkosand · 09/12/2025 16:53

I also think people are being a bit harsh. There are times where sex has to take a back seat in a relationship because of stress, illness circumstances etc but to go long-term with no sex in a relationship if it isn't a mutual feeling on both sides is really heartbreaking. She shouldn't of course be obligated, pressured etc to have sex just because you want it but equally OP has a need for sex as part of intimacy in a fulfilling relationship. Its sad for both of you really.

I would try counselling if you haven't already.

CraftyPlayer · 09/12/2025 16:56

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 15:56

Then it's a sexless marriage and the OP has a right to look elsewhere. Women will do exactly the same. Humans crave affection and intimacy. Don't get married if you can't handle even the most basic of expectations. Don't string them along just for when you fancy having a bit ooh once a year or whatever.

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What strange ideas of marriage you have. He doesn’t have a right to look elsewhere. He has the right to leave if he wants, not cheat.
And marriage does not mean you have to have sex even when you don’t want to, because it’s “expected”. What century are you from?

sausagedog2000 · 09/12/2025 16:58

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2025 15:09

Every single post like this is about sex, they talk about attention and affection but they always mean sex
For whatever reason OP your wife does not want to have sex with you, that is her right and its your right to leave her if you can't continue in a marriage like that

A healthy sex life is a very normal part of marriage. Being rejected constantly is incredibly painful and I say that as a woman.

His wife absolutely has the right to say no, that’s not up for debate. However this man leaving the relationship because of it isn’t unreasonable.

On MN the general consensus is that any man who wants to have sex with his wife is a sex pest.

gamerchick · 09/12/2025 16:59

I'm sorry OP, feeling unloved crushes you eventually.

Unfortunately it's either put up with it, open the marriage to get needs met elsewhere, or split up.

I think I'd ask her what separating will look like, because you can't be with someone with no connection.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 09/12/2025 17:01

CraftyPlayer · 09/12/2025 16:56

What strange ideas of marriage you have. He doesn’t have a right to look elsewhere. He has the right to leave if he wants, not cheat.
And marriage does not mean you have to have sex even when you don’t want to, because it’s “expected”. What century are you from?

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If you don't want to, that's fine, but then you'll have to accept that your spouse will feel rejected and hurt.

MarvellousMonsters · 09/12/2025 17:03

Mrmilford · 09/12/2025 14:29

Long winded I know....first up im ADHD/ASD so my brain is frazzled enough already!
Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
When I say we have tried everything.... trust me we really have.
We both know a lot of it is age related, menopause issues etc but its now at the stage im a broken man. I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc. There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... but I dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I dont want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great I still just stay as I can not see life without her in it.

Do people think I just need to man up and leave, should I seek professional help etc or just stay so she is in my life even though though its not perfect. I really am soooo sad and lonely and head fried.

Thanks for reading.

Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
(Ahh yes, there it is. Is it really lack of love and affection, or is it just that you equate sex with love & affection??)

I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc (are your declarations of adoration accompanied by hand holding, hugging and kissing attempts? Does she maybe feel that you are actually asking for sex?)

There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc (so you still very much enjoy each others company and care for each other? There’s still genuine affection between you?)

but I miss female interaction , I miss being told I'm loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... (do you actually mean physical affection? Or does she show you she loves you in other ways? Not everyone’s love language is kissing/hugging/verbal declarations)

I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... (this sounds a little bit like obsessive dependency, could she be feeling a bit smothered and overwhelmed?)

but I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I don't want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great….. (Is every other aspect of your relationship ok, or is it ‘not great’ in other areas too? Do you still have conversations that aren’t just about childcare and putting the bins out? Do you do stuff, a hobby or activity, as a couple?)

MyWiseAquaPoster · 09/12/2025 17:08

OP - You need therapy for yourself, because you have a self-esteem issue.

You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you. You do not "owe" anybody your committment. Not sure what your specific marriage vows were, but it was something along the lines of "to love and to hold, for better or for worse". If your wife doesn't want to love and hold you anymore, she's already left the marriage.

You're 51 with half your life ahead of you.

Read @LochSunart's post again. This is your future if you stay. I feel so sad reading this post. I hope a brother, sister, or someone who loves him would read these words back to him, so he can really take in what he wrote here.

OP - I think you need to work with a therapist to help you mourn the loss of your marriage, which has already ended, and find the self-esteem to leave this woman and find someone who will reciprocate your love.

You're not responsible for her menopause.