Im a Broken man..... what do I do :( Please be nice...

[Mrmilford]

Long winded I know....first up im ADHD/ASD so my brain is frazzled enough already!
Been with my Wife 26 years, the last 6 or 7 years have been pretty much a disaster, mainly due to the lack of affection, Love, Sex etc.
When I say we have tried everything.... trust me we really have.
We both know a lot of it is age related, menopause issues etc but its now at the stage im a broken man. I absolutely adore her, I have told her how I feel many many times over the last few years but its like there is just no attention paid at all to what I say, how I feel etc. There is NO affection for me, anything is always from me, it really does make me sad and lonely. Even when I ask her to try and imagine it was the other way around she just does not seem to care. We are at a stage now where we are pretty much just best mates, she does her thing, I do my thing....... but I can not live without her. We still sleep in the same bed, I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one. I just feel there is no way forward for me, she is my life..... but I dont want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life being sad and lonely. (currently 51) and on the flipside I dont want to spend those years without her either, hence although things are not great I still just stay as I can not see life without her in it.

Do people think I just need to man up and leave, should I seek professional help etc or just stay so she is in my life even though though its not perfect. I really am soooo sad and lonely and head fried.

Thanks for reading.

Loving your own child is also “just a rush of hormones”/ reaction in the brain. Same with happiness and all other emotions. You could reduce the entire human experience down to that if you so wish.
The feeling of connection with your partner when have very loving and satisfying sex/ make love for many people is one of the most profound and beautiful feelings there is, and some couples do continue to experience it this way throughout very long relationships. It actually tends to get better the longer you’re together because the feelings are deeper and over the years you become more and more in sync. Maybe it is just a rush of hormones, but rushes of hormones are what life is about. There’s not much more to being alive really.
For some people sex is a small part of relationships. For some people sex is a small part of life. For other people it is a very important part of both. The problems seem to arise when both people in a couple are not on the same page. Especially if they start out on the same page and for one of them, that changes.
I don’t know how it is for people to whom it’s not important from the beginning, but I think if it has been an important part of a relationship, it’s a necessary thing to keep connecting and reinforcing the bond between you. It’s something that needs to be maintained. No doubt some couples to whom sex is less important find other ways to reinforce the bond between them.
Some couples use sex to show affection when they struggle to show it in other ways, or to work out tension or frustration with each other or to comfort one another. For people who struggle to express themselves or cope with emotions generally, it can be a language all of its own. I think when you are over reliant on using sex as a substitute for other communication, it can be especially damaging to the relationship if something changes in that regard for one or both partners. It can also be the first thing to go awry when there are general problems. People who fall into this category may well benefit from therapy.
Tbh, it has never even occurred to me that sex is only important at the start of a relationship. It just goes to show how fundamentally different attitudes can be. No wonder couples who have different attitudes have such problems down the line.

What's the point of marriage if there's no intimacy?

Flip this on it's head for a minute:

What if his wife was the one trying to keep the spark alive and he just didn't want to know? He pushed her away all the time and made excuses every time she wanted some.... servicing, you know? She's going to start checking his communications; phone, emails and mutual friends in case he's cheating on her. She's going to lose her mind trying to work out if he's been unfaithful. Then let's say she LTB and it turns out he never cheated once, he was simply stringing her along the whole time, the divorce has been finalised and she's in her new house crying and feeling sorry for herself?

This all happened to my mum. My dad was the nicest man you'll ever hope to meet, he's now in the latter stages of dementia and hasn't had a clue who I am since before I got married over a decade ago. Rewind back to 1990 my dad was madly in love with my mum, he gave everything of him to her, but my mum decided she'd divorce my dad after pressure from her female friends (this is why I think divorce is a social contagion), I remember hearing my mum crying for days and asked several times out loud: "What the hell have I just done?!" She later went on dates and I once walked in on them both macking in the kitchen. He even gave her a hicky, 10 year old me was thoroughly grossed out and went back to my room. That one didn't work out for her as it turned out he didn't want to date a Jehovah's Witness 😂

No marriage is perfect. Mine certainly wasn't at first, but we worked hard, and I mean really, really hard and now after years of miscarriages and infertility, we're expecting our first baby together. He's walloping me as we speak.

Yes, no one is 'entitled to sex' as you put it, but it's a vital component of any lasting marriage, being there for each other, taking care of each other's needs, loving each other and being there for each other, emotionally and otherwise. Even if there's perhaps an 'anatomical mismatch' of sorts, like say he's a little big down and she's very small? If you know what I mean. All the stretching in the world isn't going to fix that, especially once it 'snaps back' and it gets painful again, the sex ends up requiring additional steps and it spoils the mood a bit. So change the approach and do other things, sex needn't be parts interlocking and if you want to make babies, there is always artificial insemination.

One thing that is important to note is that sex needn't be something that happens every night. That's exhausting. Every now and again is perfect and will make the experience that much more passionate and exhilarating for the both of them. Perhaps spice it up a bit with some dress-up; sexy French maid or nurse, or him leaving very little to the imagination etc Ann Summers has some really good stuff for this, by the way. Oh and if it's a very hot night in the middle of summer, try ice cubes down the back or the front. Get creative. It needn't be BDSM, I think a whip and ball-gag might be a little far, but make it interesting, you know? Who says this stuff is exclusive to younger couples?

I think this couple will be fine as long as he keeps fighting to keep her. She's probably in a state of mind where she's unwittingly locking him out. Counselling might also help.

Reading through this thread, I do wonder if a woman had written that her husband was cold towards her, didn't want to touch or cuddle her, rejected every attempt she made to be close to him, and she was only 51, would the answers have been the same?

Why the snarky gif? OP hasn't said anything wrong. Honestly the misandry on this site can get really tedious, especially as it is coupled with a lot of misogyny as well.

Its a man asking women online for tips on making his wife sleep with him 🙄

Because heaven forbid a man want to have sex with his own wife, right? If the expectations in a marriage are insurmountable for one or both parties, then ditch those plans to get married. Just ditch them entirely. You're no more than good friends and you're not ready for a serious relationship and probably never will be at 51.

I don’t know why we are all still talking about this. Op hasn’t been back and probably won’t be. He’s probably just enjoyed hearing all of our views on sex.

I dont know about that girl, but I feel for the wife, having her husband asking a bunch of women on how to get her into bed.

Do you recognise a cry for help when you see one?

I think that the op is just a cry for sex, unfortunately.

The difference would be that presumably his penis wouldn't bleed when she forced him to have sex. He wouldn't end up with a UTI and nerve damage.

Male and female anatomy are different. And men don't have the extremity of physical changes in their genitalia that women do before/during/after menopause.

And she does cuddle him. Read his post. They cuddle in bed. It is literally just no sex.

No sex is bad enough.

Are you suggesting his wife (IF she has those symptoms, because the vast majority of women get some of them) forces herself through pain, bleeding and infections to satisfy his sexual need?

Would you submit to that?

If I had those symptoms I would seek medical treatment, not just shrug my shoulders and say 'no more sex'. For me, as much as for my husband. Just as if my husband had difficulty functioning sexually, I would expect him to seek treatment for it. A marriage without sex is not a marriage, imo. Obviously, there can be temporary dry spells, but if I wanted a marriage without sex I would marry my gay best friend or a woman friend.

Also, I bet that if a woman was posting on here complaining of a sexless marriage, she would be advised to look outside the marriage, or at the very least to leave and not put up with it. The double standards on this site are absolutely absurd.

My view about sex in marriage is that it's something like vitamin C in your diet: the amount you need is tiny, but without it, you're not at all well.

What OP wrote was "I still cuddle her, we still have a laugh etc but I miss female interaction , I miss being told im loved, being asked for a cuddle or anything..... I honestly can not remember the last time unless I asked for one."

His main complaint seems to be that his wife does not show physical affection at all.

Who has said anyone should be forced to have sex...no one.🤔

Millions of women go through menopause without problems, it's not a reason to stop having sex for most. Lots of women say their sex drive increases after menopause. but if she is one of the unlucky ones, she should get help.
To suffer for 6 or 7 years, without any physical contact that she instigates or enjoys, makes for an unhappy at worst, cold at best, marriage.

I have read his post, he makes all the moves regarding cuddling and affection, she doesn't seem to want or need it.

I have said previously they should talk about their problems and find out exactly what's going on.
Maybe his wife is off sex completely, or maybe she just doesn't want sex with him any more...two very different reasons why she doesn't want him near her, which could have two different outcomes.

When a woman loses interest in sex, it can be a hormonal issue, but it can also be because her needs have stopped being met in the relationship. For a great many women, emotional intimacy and safety have to precede physical intimacy.

If she no longer feels emotionally safe in the relationship, she will find it hard to work up sexual desire.

Other than menopause (which is a real and valid reason that women go through loss of sexual desire), the OP seems to have little idea why his sex life has gone down the drain after presumably 20 years of functioning well.

I also note he doesn’t say his life is without sex, just that he can’t remember the last time it occurred without being initiated by him.

Good luck with that. You're lucky you don't have those symptoms.

Takes a LONG time to convince a GP to do a referral. Menopause isn't taken seriously. Even if you do get a referral and see a consultant, the treatments are only available on NHS prescription if you have a history of gynecological cancer. Most GPs won't prescribe.

80% of women have symptoms of some sort at menopause.

Well if you want to see women roundly trashed and everything done men's way, can I introduce you to the rest of the internet? This remains a platform for women.

There are many different symptoms, some more serious than others. I presume hot flushes are a symptom, irritation, irregular or heavy periods, I suffered with them all, none of them put me off being close with my husband.
Sex isn't the be all and end all, all the time.
The OP was lamenting the loss of physical closeness with his wife, not only sex.

'A platform for women'? No, it isn't. And even if it was, that wouldn't justify the ridiculous responses this man has got.