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Original poster

I broke up with my gf due to the age difference and struggling

140 replies

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:37

I’m 29M. For the last 5 months I was dating a 36F. She turns 37 this month.

i deeply deeply care for her. I think it probably is love. And she feels the same way back.

but I have been hugely worried about the age gap from the start. Mainly around kids. I definitely want kids, but the timeline we have to have them is far smaller than someone my own age. There’s huge risk she may not be able to have them by the time I’m ready. I’d have to rush a decision in the next 2 years to have kids or not.

I couldn’t be in the relationship fully. when she showed me love, I’d feel scared. Even though I felt the same way. Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Better we split she was freezing her eggs as I told her how worried I was. But it didn’t sort the anxiety.

That eventually became so heavy I left 3 days ago. I told her I really really didn’t want to do this but felt I had to. I was extremely emotional and said I need a few days to think.

Since leaving I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. I’m anxious. Can’t sleep. Worried I made the wrong choice.

I’m realising how much I really do love her. And I don’t know what to do.

she wasn’t pressuring me. It was all coming from my logical mind.

it feels like I risk kids to be with her. And maybe have them but probably really struggle and maybe never have them. Or leave now.

I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified and really struggling. I’m not sure I made the right choice.

OP posts:
Anxietybummer · 09/12/2025 12:39

It isn’t just about you. It’s her too. If she wants children then wasting her time now isn’t the right thing to do.

I think you probably made the best decision. Don’t give her false hope or keep her hanging.

Abracadabrador · 09/12/2025 12:39

Did you have several posts about this before? You're young, you were dating for a very, very short time, it's fine.
Enjoy life.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:41

At 36 the egg freezing ship has pretty much sailed.

My DH was in your position
He became a father at 30!!!

We both knew the other was "it" we hadn't felt this kind of connection before.

He considered breaking up at point because he didnt want to mess me around but ultimately he KNEW he wanted kids and it was a case of having them a year or two earlier than planned. we moved quite quickly but were together 3 years before our first child

The thing I always tell people is when I met him it wasnt all fireworks and butterflies. It was just "quietly lovely" I felt calm and happy and it was very easy to be with him.

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 12:43

Oh this is so hard, I feel for you.

I was engaged to someone before I met my DH, many years ago. He had always said that he was not sure that he wanted to have children but when it came to getting married, he decided that he definitely did not want to have any. He was 15 years old than me. I ended the relationship because I did very much want to have children and he didn't (and I was by then, inb my late 20's). I went on to meet my husband and we had 2 children. I remained in touch with and on good terms with my ex fiancé as a friend.

It was a difficult decision because I loved him but the no kids thing was just a dealbreaker. Although at 36, there would be time with your ex girlfriend; I have quite a few friends that had babies in their 40's.

I think you need to take some time to reflect and them maybe have another very honest conversation.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:44

Abracadabrador · 09/12/2025 12:39

Did you have several posts about this before? You're young, you were dating for a very, very short time, it's fine.
Enjoy life.

The short time you say has been one of the most meaningful, eye opening experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:45

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:41

At 36 the egg freezing ship has pretty much sailed.

My DH was in your position
He became a father at 30!!!

We both knew the other was "it" we hadn't felt this kind of connection before.

He considered breaking up at point because he didnt want to mess me around but ultimately he KNEW he wanted kids and it was a case of having them a year or two earlier than planned. we moved quite quickly but were together 3 years before our first child

The thing I always tell people is when I met him it wasnt all fireworks and butterflies. It was just "quietly lovely" I felt calm and happy and it was very easy to be with him.

Edited

We can’t wait 3 years though can we?

OP posts:
BellaBal · 09/12/2025 12:45

Move on, it’s sad but you did the right thing

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:46

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 12:43

Oh this is so hard, I feel for you.

I was engaged to someone before I met my DH, many years ago. He had always said that he was not sure that he wanted to have children but when it came to getting married, he decided that he definitely did not want to have any. He was 15 years old than me. I ended the relationship because I did very much want to have children and he didn't (and I was by then, inb my late 20's). I went on to meet my husband and we had 2 children. I remained in touch with and on good terms with my ex fiancé as a friend.

It was a difficult decision because I loved him but the no kids thing was just a dealbreaker. Although at 36, there would be time with your ex girlfriend; I have quite a few friends that had babies in their 40's.

I think you need to take some time to reflect and them maybe have another very honest conversation.

Do you think we actually have time. She’d be 40 by the time we’d even start trying.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:53

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:45

We can’t wait 3 years though can we?

Show quote history

Well I was 38 in my first pregnancy and 40 for my second so that's 2 years

My point was more

  1. Is this the love of your life (it will need to be probably to survive baby stage)
  2. Do you def want kids? You need to want them, not just her. If you dont want kids dont do it.

If you are serious I'd move in now and have the hard conversations about how a long term life together looks (careers, where you live, your values, how you will raise children etc) and start ttc once you are at 18m / 2y mark so in a year or so.

Or stay broken up and go fish - you have time if thats what you want

Glad you appreciate me taking time out to give you insights and help you with your problem...

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:53

BellaBal · 09/12/2025 12:45

Move on, it’s sad but you did the right thing

I’m not sure it was.

OP posts:
waterrat · 09/12/2025 12:55

Well - you did the right thing if you don't want children

But are you absolutely sure you don't?

I think modern life has skewed our thinking! You would not even be a young dad at 30!

If this is the woman you love - then go back to her and embrace what life has given you.

SkaneTos · 09/12/2025 12:55

Have you had any tests to see how fertile you yourself are, OP?
I know about a couple where she was 35 and he was 25, they had trouble conceiving, mostly because of male factor infertility.

Other than that, I think that you did the right thing to break up with your girlfriend. If she wants to have children, she might want to start trying for that now, not wait until you are ready. Now she can find a different partner that's ready for children now, or she can try to become a parent on her own, with a donor.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:56

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:53

Well I was 38 in my first pregnancy and 40 for my second so that's 2 years

My point was more

  1. Is this the love of your life (it will need to be probably to survive baby stage)
  2. Do you def want kids? You need to want them, not just her. If you dont want kids dont do it.

If you are serious I'd move in now and have the hard conversations about how a long term life together looks (careers, where you live, your values, how you will raise children etc) and start ttc once you are at 18m / 2y mark so in a year or so.

Or stay broken up and go fish - you have time if thats what you want

Glad you appreciate me taking time out to give you insights and help you with your problem...

Edited
Show quote history

its incredibly hard to know. I want kids for sure. Just not sure when.

there’s a lot of issues here as she doesn’t have a firm plan. She moved to the UK from the US 10 months ago. Says she plans to stay but all her family and friends are back in the US. So what happens if she decides to go back? Her career is sorted.

then what if I’m not ready for kids in 2-3 years. I don’t own a house yet. I am in a rental contract with friends until next year.

i don’t want to lose her at all though. I really value what we have / had

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:56

waterrat · 09/12/2025 12:55

Well - you did the right thing if you don't want children

But are you absolutely sure you don't?

I think modern life has skewed our thinking! You would not even be a young dad at 30!

If this is the woman you love - then go back to her and embrace what life has given you.

I do want kids. I’m just not sure if I have time to know if she’s the one. Is 2 years
enlugh to really feel strong enough as a couple for kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:57

SkaneTos · 09/12/2025 12:55

Have you had any tests to see how fertile you yourself are, OP?
I know about a couple where she was 35 and he was 25, they had trouble conceiving, mostly because of male factor infertility.

Other than that, I think that you did the right thing to break up with your girlfriend. If she wants to have children, she might want to start trying for that now, not wait until you are ready. Now she can find a different partner that's ready for children now, or she can try to become a parent on her own, with a donor.

She was willing to wait for me. It was more me worrying that she wouldn’t be able
to when I was ready

OP posts:
SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 12:57

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:46

Do you think we actually have time. She’d be 40 by the time we’d even start trying.

Show quote history

Plenty of woman have babies in their 40's and always have done. My grandmother was born when her mum was 45 and that was in 1921.

If the 2 of you believe you are compatible long term, I would encourage you to pursue that rather than look elsewhere. You may not find the same love and relationship again. Also, people of all ages can experience fertility struggles.

I think you need to adjust your mindset on this.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:59

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 12:57

Plenty of woman have babies in their 40's and always have done. My grandmother was born when her mum was 45 and that was in 1921.

If the 2 of you believe you are compatible long term, I would encourage you to pursue that rather than look elsewhere. You may not find the same love and relationship again. Also, people of all ages can experience fertility struggles.

I think you need to adjust your mindset on this.

Show quote history

Is it actually that common though?

I don’t know. I don’t want to go back then be completely plagued by worries

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 09/12/2025 13:00

Abracadabrador · 09/12/2025 12:39

Did you have several posts about this before? You're young, you were dating for a very, very short time, it's fine.
Enjoy life.

Thought the same

GeorgeEdwardsMum · 09/12/2025 13:00

Good, you didn't waste her time.

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:02

You're not currently on the same page about kids. This is no-one's fault, but it is a huge indicator that you shouldn't be together while she wants to have kids with someone.

You did the right thing. You can't force wanting to be a parent. Your uncertainty and anxiety even when in the relationship seems like it would have had a negative effect anyway.

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:03

God, it's you again. I'm glad you finally did the right thing and broke it off though.

Now get some therapy and move on.

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:03

You may not find the same love and relationship again.

OP said he cares for her but isn't certain he loves her. This isn't a basis on which to create a human.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:04

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:03

You may not find the same love and relationship again.

OP said he cares for her but isn't certain he loves her. This isn't a basis on which to create a human.

Oh no I definitely love her

OP posts:
DancingNotDrowning · 09/12/2025 13:05

If you are sure you want kids and you are sure she is the one you are being selfish.

You are risking the chance for the woman you claim to love and want to be with to become a mother.

two years might be fine it might not be. No one knows.

if you’re not ready to commit to children now, let her go so that she can find a man to have children with. It’s not all about you.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:06

DancingNotDrowning · 09/12/2025 13:05

If you are sure you want kids and you are sure she is the one you are being selfish.

You are risking the chance for the woman you claim to love and want to be with to become a mother.

two years might be fine it might not be. No one knows.

if you’re not ready to commit to children now, let her go so that she can find a man to have children with. It’s not all about you.

She haz said she’s okay with me not being ready to commit to them now

OP posts: