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Original poster

I broke up with my gf due to the age difference and struggling

140 replies

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:37

I’m 29M. For the last 5 months I was dating a 36F. She turns 37 this month.

i deeply deeply care for her. I think it probably is love. And she feels the same way back.

but I have been hugely worried about the age gap from the start. Mainly around kids. I definitely want kids, but the timeline we have to have them is far smaller than someone my own age. There’s huge risk she may not be able to have them by the time I’m ready. I’d have to rush a decision in the next 2 years to have kids or not.

I couldn’t be in the relationship fully. when she showed me love, I’d feel scared. Even though I felt the same way. Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Better we split she was freezing her eggs as I told her how worried I was. But it didn’t sort the anxiety.

That eventually became so heavy I left 3 days ago. I told her I really really didn’t want to do this but felt I had to. I was extremely emotional and said I need a few days to think.

Since leaving I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. I’m anxious. Can’t sleep. Worried I made the wrong choice.

I’m realising how much I really do love her. And I don’t know what to do.

she wasn’t pressuring me. It was all coming from my logical mind.

it feels like I risk kids to be with her. And maybe have them but probably really struggle and maybe never have them. Or leave now.

I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified and really struggling. I’m not sure I made the right choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:20

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 13:20

I dont know what you are worried about. 29 isnt young to have kids and 36 isnt a really old female. My friend is 9 years older than her partner . She had 2 kids with him when she was in her mid to late thirties. Theyve been together for years and are very happy. I think you are a bit neurotic.

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It’s more of want 2 years to really know. So she’d be 39-40

OP posts:
Periperi2025 · 09/12/2025 13:22

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:20

its more is 2 years enough time to know if someone’s the one for kids

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Is 10 years enough?!

Realistically you won't know for sure and neither will she until you have the kids and see how you cope, otherwise divorce rates in marriages involving kids would be much much lower.

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:22

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:20

It’s more of want 2 years to really know. So she’d be 39-40

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And if you wait two years, decide to try to conceive, and then discover she can't have kids? What then? You'll dump her?

FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 13:23

Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Any woman might have fertility difficulties.
YOU might turn out to be infertile.

I understand the feeling that you would very much like children, but she is at very much more risk than you here because while you flip flop and dither she is having her time wasted as her bio clock ticks.

As it happens i am another who had a baby at 43 without difficulty, trying for more than a month or assisted conception. But you can't predict for any individual woman.

Honestly, ideally I think you should be with someone because you love them come what may, love them enough to be with them if children to not come. Enough to face that together, go through alternative interventions together, or whatever. People MARRY without knowing whether their partner is fertile.

It must be very painful, but honestly if you are someone who would eventually leave her if she cannot conceive , then you have done the right thing in leaving her now.

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 13:24

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:20

It’s more of want 2 years to really know. So she’d be 39-40

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Well if you are hesitant then best to leave it. To be honest with you, therr are no guarantees in relationships and you csn never be sure.

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:29

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:10

But in a few months she may have moved on?
I asked her for a few days to think not a few months.

in a few months time she may never want me again. Or have met someone else.

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To be honest, I wouldn’t be deciding the outcome of my life in a few weeks, I wouldn’t be making my mind so early about children or the relationship, if you love her stop overthinking and just go back to her, the children may come or not, even if you plan your life with big precision.

Personally, you may be like many who thought they couldn’t face life without children just to find out once you have them, they are such hard work you don’t really enjoy spending time with them that much.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:32

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:29

To be honest, I wouldn’t be deciding the outcome of my life in a few weeks, I wouldn’t be making my mind so early about children or the relationship, if you love her stop overthinking and just go back to her, the children may come or not, even if you plan your life with big precision.

Personally, you may be like many who thought they couldn’t face life without children just to find out once you have them, they are such hard work you don’t really enjoy spending time with them that much.

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But I felt I had to decide for her as well. She deserves someone all in and I couldn’t be at that time

OP posts:
Devuelta81 · 09/12/2025 13:32

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:20

its more is 2 years enough time to know if someone’s the one for kids

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Yes it is. If you love her, get back together with her and see how it pans out, if she's not pressing you on this point now then there is no reason not to.

I think the reason some posters are getting a bit frustrated is that you are making this a bigger issue than it really needs to be. It is absolutely fine just to see how things go, if she is happy with that also.

AmberSpy · 09/12/2025 13:33

I have seen dozens of posts from you about this, both here and on Reddit. I wouldn't be surprised if you post elsewhere too.

I'm saying this gently, but you need to recognise that this pattern of posting repeatedly all over the internet isn't working - if it was, you wouldn't keep coming back. You obviously are very unhappy and I think you need more help and support than any forum can give you.

Based on your posts you have a reasonably well-paid job, and I wouldn't be surprised if your employer offers a support programme. Please look for help in your real life and get some professional support from an experienced therapist. You don't need to spend the rest of your life feeling anxious and unhappy. It can get better but you need to seek help in order for that to happen.

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:36

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:04

Oh no I definitely love her

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Less than an hour ago you said "i deeply deeply care for her. I think it probably is love."

This is not to stick the boot in, but to point out that your feelings seem very changeable. Or you vary in how confident you are in them.

My point is that this is not a basis for having two people in your life forever.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:36

Devuelta81 · 09/12/2025 13:32

Yes it is. If you love her, get back together with her and see how it pans out, if she's not pressing you on this point now then there is no reason not to.

I think the reason some posters are getting a bit frustrated is that you are making this a bigger issue than it really needs to be. It is absolutely fine just to see how things go, if she is happy with that also.

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I’m struggling to cope. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 09/12/2025 13:36

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:46

Do you think we actually have time. She’d be 40 by the time we’d even start trying.

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I really wouldn’t hang about. You need to decide if you’re in or out and don’t waste her time. I started trying to get pregnant with my DH when I was 34 and it turned out I had fertility issues that I was not aware of. I was very lucky to have a child at 38 through IVF. This process is hard physically and emotionally. A women’s fertility geverally declines significantly after 35 including egg quantity and quality. it’s not impossible to have kids at 40 but the chances are pretty limited and other risks go up eg miscarriage.

If you love her as much as you say you do you either have children with her pretty soon or you end the relationship. Don’t keep her hanging while you live life to your own timeline because you will be depriving her of options. You are completely entitled to not want kids now but don’t keep her waiting in the wings, it’s really not fair. Love isn’t about thinking only about your own needs/desires.

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:37

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:08

This isn’t the case. It was more from me. I want kids down the line and worry that she won’t be able to have them later

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So you both want kids down the line but you think she's too old for that to happen?
I'm sorry I'm not hugely clear on what your rationale is as it seems to be different each time you post.

Imbrocator · 09/12/2025 13:37

If you really love this woman like you say you do, then you either need to commit and have kids when you say you’re going to, or you need to leave her. There is almost nothing more shit you can do to someone you profess to love than to waste the last few years she might be able to have kids by making promises you can’t keep.

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:37

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:32

But I felt I had to decide for her as well. She deserves someone all in and I couldn’t be at that time

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Do you think she is an idiot and that you know her better than she does herself, that she is not able to decide by herself despite being older and with more experience than yourself?

if she wants to risk it, that’s her choice. You don’t need to hurt her to avoid hurting her. You either want in or not, don’t try to play the “I am doing it for her” card as believe me… it as ridiculous as painful, this is not the Titanic all over. Honestly.

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:39

But I felt I had to decide for her as well

I'd feel incredibly disrespected if anyone thought they had to make a decision about my future on my behalf.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:40

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:37

Do you think she is an idiot and that you know her better than she does herself, that she is not able to decide by herself despite being older and with more experience than yourself?

if she wants to risk it, that’s her choice. You don’t need to hurt her to avoid hurting her. You either want in or not, don’t try to play the “I am doing it for her” card as believe me… it as ridiculous as painful, this is not the Titanic all over. Honestly.

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it’s for me too.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/12/2025 13:42

OP has posted this same thread many times, doesn't take anything on board and then starts a new thread about the same thing a couple of weeks later. Waste of time commenting

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:42

HyggeTygge · 09/12/2025 13:37

So you both want kids down the line but you think she's too old for that to happen?
I'm sorry I'm not hugely clear on what your rationale is as it seems to be different each time you post.

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Yes I’m worried about her age

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:42

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:40

it’s for me too.

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I am starting to wonder if you are winding us up…

Just decide what you want and stop the over thinking. Go back to her or hold tight until the pain of leaving her passes.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:42

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/12/2025 13:42

OP has posted this same thread many times, doesn't take anything on board and then starts a new thread about the same thing a couple of weeks later. Waste of time commenting

Incorrect. This is not the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:43

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:42

I am starting to wonder if you are winding us up…

Just decide what you want and stop the over thinking. Go back to her or hold tight until the pain of leaving her passes.

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empathy please. If you can provide that don’t reply.

to be brutaly honest I cannot deal with people like that right now. Empathetic and kind only

OP posts:
Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:45

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:43

empathy please. If you can provide that don’t reply.

to be brutaly honest I cannot deal with people like that right now. Empathetic and kind only

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You've had a fuck ton of empathy and kindness on all your other posts. Maybe that's not what you need.

Have you had any therapy yet?

couldthisbe2501 · 09/12/2025 13:45

Are you fertile OP?

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:47

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:45

You've had a fuck ton of empathy and kindness on all your other posts. Maybe that's not what you need.

Have you had any therapy yet?

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Yes. I have. Now stop.

OP posts: