I broke up with my gf due to the age difference and struggling

[Johnsullivan223]

I’m 29M. For the last 5 months I was dating a 36F. She turns 37 this month.

i deeply deeply care for her. I think it probably is love. And she feels the same way back.

but I have been hugely worried about the age gap from the start. Mainly around kids. I definitely want kids, but the timeline we have to have them is far smaller than someone my own age. There’s huge risk she may not be able to have them by the time I’m ready. I’d have to rush a decision in the next 2 years to have kids or not.

I couldn’t be in the relationship fully. when she showed me love, I’d feel scared. Even though I felt the same way. Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Better we split she was freezing her eggs as I told her how worried I was. But it didn’t sort the anxiety.

That eventually became so heavy I left 3 days ago. I told her I really really didn’t want to do this but felt I had to. I was extremely emotional and said I need a few days to think.

Since leaving I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. I’m anxious. Can’t sleep. Worried I made the wrong choice.

I’m realising how much I really do love her. And I don’t know what to do.

she wasn’t pressuring me. It was all coming from my logical mind.

it feels like I risk kids to be with her. And maybe have them but probably really struggle and maybe never have them. Or leave now.

I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified and really struggling. I’m not sure I made the right choice.

You talk as if she'll be sitting there waiting, whatever you decide. I don't understand why an adult woman has put up with it this long, to be honest - it seems to be all you've talked about in the very short time since you met her. Are you very hot? Very rich?

Either way, know that every bit of dithering you are doing is killing any feelings she has for you. You won't have the option to get over yourself for very long.

But all these threads aren't helping you either? I think it's best that you stay single and think about what you really want for a while. Stay in therapy too. Keep trying meds. Then date with intention, when you're clear on what you want.

You are not in a good place to be a dad if you need meds.

Does she already have children?

But you've asked time and time again, and then you come back and ask some more. So this isn't working, is it?

I really do get how hard it is to be young and feel like you have all these huge complicated decisions to make. I really am sympathetic to what you're going through. But any decisions you make need to come from you, and you need to own them, because this is your life. Getting endless reams of questionable advice from strangers on the internet is obviously not the answer to your problem.

Pretty sure this exact post has cropped up on Reddit several times, I don't believe it's real.

Wouldn’t your head be a mess if you finally met someone who treats you amazing. Is loving. Kind. After years of horribleness. And you aren’t sure if you can be with them due to kids? And split up with them even though you didn’t want to leave? And miss her

Sounds familiar Reddit fodder

Yeah, this is definitely the guy who has posted ad nauseum about this before. Can't believe you got her to start the egg freezing process and then bolted!

You are 29 and your partner is 36 (very nearly 37). You do want children in the future but not right now. She on the other hand, due to her age doesn't have time on her side, and isn't really in the position to wait until you are ready. Yes, women can and do have children in their late 30's and into their 40's. However, there's no guarantee she will conceive (there's never any guarantee with that regardless of age, but being younger gives a better chance). You'd then have to go down the IVF or adoption route. No one has a crystal ball, and can tell you what will happen. Say you did get back together and it turned out she couldn't conceive, would you consider IVF or adoption? Or would you feel you'd have no choice but to leave her? These are very real questions that you need to think about. If you want a biological child, and you don't want IVF and wouldn't consider adoption, then it's best you let her go. There's nothing wrong in not wanting those things, it's not trick questions. You also state that your partner is originally from the US but lives here in the UK. What if you had children and you split up, would she want to go back to the US with the child? You'd have to seek a legal injunction to stop her from doing it. My honest opinion is that you are both at two different stages in your lives, that aren't compatible with each other. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how life is sometimes. You made the right decision for both of you, in splitting up. Let her go.

I had a baby at 41 almost 42. Many friends at 42 and 43. It's not that uncommon ( to answer your question 😁)

29 really isn’t that young to be a dad. There are loads of Dads of that age at the primary school.

But it’s your life and better you don’t mess her around and string her along. Sounds like you have some growing up to do.

I'm out. Disturbed attention seeking I'm not encouraging.

Well based on friends and family plenty have babies in 40s these days..anyhow who knows you won't have the problems lol....not much of an age difference tbh some in my family have bigger and still been together years and have middle school age kids..one of my brothers there's 15 years between him and her and they've been happily married over 10 years with kids now...it's what you make of it if it's love

There are no guarantees in life. You’re assuming that you can have children, that maternal age is the only factor in fertility

you could meet a 23 year old tomorrow, wait seven years and then find that, despite her age, she can’t conceive.

She isn’t the one for you. Until you can love someone for them and not for the babies they can give you, you need to wait.

She can do better.

are the men or women younger in those relationships?

Ah you love her but her age puts her at higher risk of you not getting the babies you may decide to have later so she's less of a safe bet long-term for you.

As I said, you're not on the same page about kids now so that's a reason you're incompatible.

With kindness OP, I think if you truly loved her and wanted a future with her at 30 years old you would consider bringing your timeline for children forward in order to have the best chance of it happening - it doesn't have to be now, but you could be thinking about re-evaluating this time next year etc. You are not particularly young to become a father and your girlfriend is only a few years older than you, not a huge age difference at all?

You are right to consider how much time you have because aside from anecdotal tales of people having children into their 40s, which is far more common than most think, we all know that it can become harder for some, and if your girlfriend doesn't have any children already then she won't really know what her fertility looks like - it may be totally fine, or she may face issues which are as yet undiscovered as she's never tried. Same goes for you.

I know there are such things as 'Fertility MOTs' which can check egg reserves/sperm counts etc and give an idea of how someone's fertility is looking - but this is a lot to ask of her and may also give her the impression that you only see her as a 'vessel' for children if this is what makes your mind up to stay with her rather than any feelings you currently have for her. Even the conversation as a whole, that you would 'need' to leave her if it turned out she couldn't have children through absolutely no fault of her own, is pretty hurtful and I would be thinking twice about someone who expressed that to me.

That being said, it doesn't have to all be sorted right now. I was in a similar situation when I got together with my now-DH: he was 11 years older than me and wasn't sure he wanted any further children (already had 2), I was only 26 and knew that I definitely did want them. We had some very upsetting conversations but ultimately decide to give it a bit of time and revisit the topic down the line as we were so newly together - a few months later he told me that he would love to have another child with me 😊 Our relationship had grown and we could now see that kind of future together, as well as having strong feelings for each other. We now had a 3yo and another on the way (at 37 btw!). Obviously it was a little less pressurised as I was the younger partner as the female, but ultimately I did feel the same as you - I didn't want to get any deeper into a relationship that wouldn't allow me to have children.

If you have only been together a few months - which is my interpretation from the thread but I apologise if that's not correct - then I would be looking at seeing how you feel and how the relationship is progressing when you've done a year or more. Your gf is only 37, she is not 45. You do have a little bit of time here.

So what do I do? Go back and risk all this happening again?

Honestly OP, I think it all depends on whether you genuinely love her? I do believe that if you did feel proper love for her that you would be more inclined to give it some time. When it was me, as worried as I was re children, I just couldn't bear the thought of not being with my DH, so I didn't really have a choice but to give it some more time, and luckily it did work out.

However, everything sits in your hands here, it seems like it is your choice to hold back on having children sooner, not your girlfriend's. It does seem that you could have these children over the next couple of years but you are just not sure you want to, despite being 30 years old.

Maybe take a few more days but try and focus on your actual feelings for this woman and whether you can see a future with her, rather than worrying about theoretical children which may or may not happen with any partner you have.

You just seem to see yourself as really young and your girlfriend as just about to become 'old' - 7 years is not a huge age gap at all, you are both in your 30s!

Maybe it is a difference in lifestyle that is making you feel this way or something, but you seem to be looking at it as if you are in your early 20s and she is in her 40s.

The critcal point here is your egg wasnt frozen and stored for X years

To be clear, you just think she's too old. Top and bottom of it. Just walk away.

I don't really understand. You've broken up with her, yet you're saying you don't want to lose her and feel you've made a mistake. So, which is it? Strangers on the internet cannot answer this for you. It's time you live your life and make your own decisions. That's what it's all about. Life is a risk. You're going to be 30, not a teenager.

You’re either a troll or absolutely deranged. Stop making threads about this.

Love conquers all