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Original poster

I broke up with my gf due to the age difference and struggling

140 replies

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:37

I’m 29M. For the last 5 months I was dating a 36F. She turns 37 this month.

i deeply deeply care for her. I think it probably is love. And she feels the same way back.

but I have been hugely worried about the age gap from the start. Mainly around kids. I definitely want kids, but the timeline we have to have them is far smaller than someone my own age. There’s huge risk she may not be able to have them by the time I’m ready. I’d have to rush a decision in the next 2 years to have kids or not.

I couldn’t be in the relationship fully. when she showed me love, I’d feel scared. Even though I felt the same way. Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Better we split she was freezing her eggs as I told her how worried I was. But it didn’t sort the anxiety.

That eventually became so heavy I left 3 days ago. I told her I really really didn’t want to do this but felt I had to. I was extremely emotional and said I need a few days to think.

Since leaving I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. I’m anxious. Can’t sleep. Worried I made the wrong choice.

I’m realising how much I really do love her. And I don’t know what to do.

she wasn’t pressuring me. It was all coming from my logical mind.

it feels like I risk kids to be with her. And maybe have them but probably really struggle and maybe never have them. Or leave now.

I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified and really struggling. I’m not sure I made the right choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:48

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:45

You've had a fuck ton of empathy and kindness on all your other posts. Maybe that's not what you need.

Have you had any therapy yet?

Show quote history

I also haven’t. I’ve had people yelling at me saying I’m treating her poorly when all I’m trying to do is be a good person and not be hurt myself.

one or two people are nice. Most accuse me of being a hypocrite even though this is a reasonable worry.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:49

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:43

empathy please. If you can provide that don’t reply.

to be brutaly honest I cannot deal with people like that right now. Empathetic and kind only

Show quote history

I wonder what kind of empathy you want, you are dismissing people who agree that leaving is the best option and those who tell you to go back to her.

You can choose to go by your head or by your feelings or find the middle ground. Nobody can decide this for you.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:50

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:49

I wonder what kind of empathy you want, you are dismissing people who agree that leaving is the best option and those who tell you to go back to her.

You can choose to go by your head or by your feelings or find the middle ground. Nobody can decide this for you.

Show quote history

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:51

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:47

Yes. I have. Now stop.

Show quote history

What kind of therapy? What was their take on your situation? Did any of it help at all? Have you tried looking into meds for anxiety?

GrandmasCat · 09/12/2025 13:52

I often throw a coin to decide what to do, not because the coin can decide for me but because when I see the coin on the table I twitch if what it says is not what I deep down wanted, and then I know what I really want.

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:53

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:48

I also haven’t. I’ve had people yelling at me saying I’m treating her poorly when all I’m trying to do is be a good person and not be hurt myself.

one or two people are nice. Most accuse me of being a hypocrite even though this is a reasonable worry.

Show quote history

You've had hundreds of posts with reasonable, constructive advice. People only start getting annoyed when it becomes clear that you don't take anything on board.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:54

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:51

What kind of therapy? What was their take on your situation? Did any of it help at all? Have you tried looking into meds for anxiety?

Show quote history

I’ve done both. Meds and therapy. Therapist told me to sit and see how the relationship gos. Meds have done nothing. Tried multiple variations.

OP posts:
Frenchfrychic · 09/12/2025 13:54

You do come across as very immature, which is fine, we all grow up at different times but I’m surprised you’re 29, and a 36 year old is dating you. You are just panicking and over thinking. This is a very new relationship and neither of you know how it will pan out. So I think you’ve done the right thing, as you’re panicking if you stay with her and panicking if you don’t, and that’s not the behaviour of someone who should be considering parenthood.

Bestfootforward11 · 09/12/2025 13:54

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:50

I don’t know what to do

Show quote history

There is no concrete answer to anything about the future.
Will she still be able to conceive? Maybe, maybe not (statistics suggest it will be hard)
Will you be fertile?
will you still be together?
will you have good health?
what will your financial position be?

I think if you’re not sure and have not been sure for a while then end it as there is no guarantee you will ever be sure. It sounds like you are just not ready. So put her first and bow out.

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 09/12/2025 13:55

I can't imagine why she'd take you back to subject herself to this over-thinking, to be honest.

It seems best for all concerned to just move on.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:55

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 13:53

You've had hundreds of posts with reasonable, constructive advice. People only start getting annoyed when it becomes clear that you don't take anything on board.

Edited
Show quote history

I split up with her. How is that not taking it on board. What else can I do

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:55

Frenchfrychic · 09/12/2025 13:54

You do come across as very immature, which is fine, we all grow up at different times but I’m surprised you’re 29, and a 36 year old is dating you. You are just panicking and over thinking. This is a very new relationship and neither of you know how it will pan out. So I think you’ve done the right thing, as you’re panicking if you stay with her and panicking if you don’t, and that’s not the behaviour of someone who should be considering parenthood.

How is it immature?

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 09/12/2025 13:56

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:54

I’ve done both. Meds and therapy. Therapist told me to sit and see how the relationship gos. Meds have done nothing. Tried multiple variations.

Show quote history

God alive, if you have to be medicated to deal with a relationship five months on, it really is not the right place to be ...

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:56

Frenchfrychic · 09/12/2025 13:54

You do come across as very immature, which is fine, we all grow up at different times but I’m surprised you’re 29, and a 36 year old is dating you. You are just panicking and over thinking. This is a very new relationship and neither of you know how it will pan out. So I think you’ve done the right thing, as you’re panicking if you stay with her and panicking if you don’t, and that’s not the behaviour of someone who should be considering parenthood.

But the point is if this doesn’t work, she’s damaged. More than me. I owe it to her to think

OP posts:
Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:57

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 09/12/2025 13:56

God alive, if you have to be medicated to deal with a relationship five months on, it really is not the right place to be ...

Show quote history

I’m medicated regardless

OP posts:
SukiPook · 09/12/2025 13:57

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:41

At 36 the egg freezing ship has pretty much sailed.

My DH was in your position
He became a father at 30!!!

We both knew the other was "it" we hadn't felt this kind of connection before.

He considered breaking up at point because he didnt want to mess me around but ultimately he KNEW he wanted kids and it was a case of having them a year or two earlier than planned. we moved quite quickly but were together 3 years before our first child

The thing I always tell people is when I met him it wasnt all fireworks and butterflies. It was just "quietly lovely" I felt calm and happy and it was very easy to be with him.

Edited

The egg freezing boat hasn't sailed. I had my one and only child at 45, with my own 45 year old (non-frozen) egg , via IVF. Completely healthy child. Although fertility starts to dip sharply from around 35 it definitely doesn't mean that a 36 year old's eggs would necesssrily be too old, most likely they'd be fine.

If you love her why not choose her (if she is willing to freeze eggs and wait a year or two to see where you are at re kids) . It would make huge sense for her to freeze her eggs anyway, whether you are staying split up or not.

My husband was 8 years younger than me, we started dating when I was 36 and he was 28. We got married 3 years later. We had fertility issues which turned out to be his sperm quality. Unfortunately our marriage didn't last due to unrelated issues but we are happy parents to a healthy 5 year old, I'm 51 now. Wouldn't change it . We would probably have had our child way earlier but my consultant wouldn't let me try ivf with my own eggs at 42. Tried IUI which was unsuccessful. Changed consultants when I was 44, nearly 45, and got pregnant 1st go with my own eggs just before my 45th birthday. That had about a 1 -3 % chance of working and luckily it did, first go, as I didn't have eggs frozen. With frozen younger eggs the chances would be way higher.

She could totally get pregnant naturally even in a few years time if you did end up trying or may not, and IVF may or may not work too. But that is the same for any couple! No guarantee you will definitely conceive, with any partner. Also, get your sperm tested.

I don't agree with everyone that says you have done the right thing... because you acted from a motivation of anxiety, and now you are feeling regret and more anxiety about your choice.... that has the makings of being the origin of a classic "the one that got away" story. You might really suffer with this. It doesn't seem like the right choice to me (purely going by your own feelings on it) . Good luck!

SukiPook · 09/12/2025 13:59

FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 13:23

Because I was too afraid to feel something for someone who I may have to leave at some point if she can’t have kids.

Any woman might have fertility difficulties.
YOU might turn out to be infertile.

I understand the feeling that you would very much like children, but she is at very much more risk than you here because while you flip flop and dither she is having her time wasted as her bio clock ticks.

As it happens i am another who had a baby at 43 without difficulty, trying for more than a month or assisted conception. But you can't predict for any individual woman.

Honestly, ideally I think you should be with someone because you love them come what may, love them enough to be with them if children to not come. Enough to face that together, go through alternative interventions together, or whatever. People MARRY without knowing whether their partner is fertile.

It must be very painful, but honestly if you are someone who would eventually leave her if she cannot conceive , then you have done the right thing in leaving her now.

These are all very good points

dairydebris · 09/12/2025 14:02

Youve been half in and half out since you got together.

To stay with her and have kids you need to be all in. Youre not and have never been.

Stay split up, deal with the discomfort bravely, and work on yourself. You sound confused and unsure and you have a lot of growing up to do before kids etc.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 14:03

SukiPook · 09/12/2025 13:57

The egg freezing boat hasn't sailed. I had my one and only child at 45, with my own 45 year old (non-frozen) egg , via IVF. Completely healthy child. Although fertility starts to dip sharply from around 35 it definitely doesn't mean that a 36 year old's eggs would necesssrily be too old, most likely they'd be fine.

If you love her why not choose her (if she is willing to freeze eggs and wait a year or two to see where you are at re kids) . It would make huge sense for her to freeze her eggs anyway, whether you are staying split up or not.

My husband was 8 years younger than me, we started dating when I was 36 and he was 28. We got married 3 years later. We had fertility issues which turned out to be his sperm quality. Unfortunately our marriage didn't last due to unrelated issues but we are happy parents to a healthy 5 year old, I'm 51 now. Wouldn't change it . We would probably have had our child way earlier but my consultant wouldn't let me try ivf with my own eggs at 42. Tried IUI which was unsuccessful. Changed consultants when I was 44, nearly 45, and got pregnant 1st go with my own eggs just before my 45th birthday. That had about a 1 -3 % chance of working and luckily it did, first go, as I didn't have eggs frozen. With frozen younger eggs the chances would be way higher.

She could totally get pregnant naturally even in a few years time if you did end up trying or may not, and IVF may or may not work too. But that is the same for any couple! No guarantee you will definitely conceive, with any partner. Also, get your sperm tested.

I don't agree with everyone that says you have done the right thing... because you acted from a motivation of anxiety, and now you are feeling regret and more anxiety about your choice.... that has the makings of being the origin of a classic "the one that got away" story. You might really suffer with this. It doesn't seem like the right choice to me (purely going by your own feelings on it) . Good luck!

Show quote history

It’s really hard to know what it do. I have no idea. I asked for a few days to think. It’s been 3 days. I don’t know what to do still

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 09/12/2025 14:03

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 12:59

Is it actually that common though?

I don’t know. I don’t want to go back then be completely plagued by worries

Show quote history

It is pretty common, but it's also cutting it fine.

It's also very common to love someone and to not be aligned in terms of life stage or plans. Longevity is based on more than just being in love with the person, unfortunately. You did the right thing in letting her go. Give yourself time to grieve tge relationship.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 14:06

dairydebris · 09/12/2025 14:02

Youve been half in and half out since you got together.

To stay with her and have kids you need to be all in. Youre not and have never been.

Stay split up, deal with the discomfort bravely, and work on yourself. You sound confused and unsure and you have a lot of growing up to do before kids etc.

I’m getting very confused by all the mixed responses here

OP posts:
AmberSpy · 09/12/2025 14:08

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 14:06

I’m getting very confused by all the mixed responses here

Show quote history

This is why you need to stop crowdsourcing relationship advice from the internet. Nobody here can tell you the right thing to do.

dairydebris · 09/12/2025 14:10

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 14:06

I’m getting very confused by all the mixed responses here

Show quote history

Well obviously because we dont know you or the lady involved. Everyone is projecting their own experience onto your situation.

I read through your other posts and you've never been all in with this lady. Do the right thing and let it go. Yes, splitting up with someone you have feelings for hurts. You just have to get on with it.

The point is, you're not sure about her, you never have been, so in this situation best to just move on. Have a couple of flings, get to know yourself etc.

Stop pissing her about.

Original poster
Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 14:10

AmberSpy · 09/12/2025 14:08

This is why you need to stop crowdsourcing relationship advice from the internet. Nobody here can tell you the right thing to do.

Show quote history

I don’t know what my own right thing to do is. I can’t figure it out that’s why I ask

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 14:10

Johnsullivan223 · 09/12/2025 13:36

I’m struggling to cope. I don’t know what to do

Show quote history

Get therapy. Lots and lots of people do. It isn’t shameful. But it sometimes necessary.

Your head is a mess and has been for at least as long as you’ve been playing these threads. The internet isn’t working for you. Get therapy.