Ghosted after a great first date. Best response?

[WildflowerGardens]

I had a first date with a man off hinge on Saturday afternoon - we had coffee and then walked round an illustration fair. The whole time we were laughing and talking animatedly and seemed to have a lot in common. At the end of the date he pulled me into a bear hug and said “see you again soon”.

I texted him that evening to say “Great to meet you, what a fun afternoon!” but he didn’t reply and it’s now Tuesday. I think I’ve been ghosted.

I feel like sending a final message, something like “Ghosting in your forties? I only date grown men: good luck with your ongoing search 👋 ” before blocking him but I’m not sure if I should do this.

My reasoning is that I think ghosting is crap behaviour and people who ghost should be called out on it.

Any advice very welcome.

I think if you had a nice bonnet on, he should have appreciated it more.

Well, you two would make a lovely couple.

Sorted ♥️

Not sure if your comment is in earnest but bonnets are making a comeback - knitted ones that tie under the chin. I saw one in Free People but saw the price tag - £40(!) - and thought it’s not worth it for the quality of dates I’m having

Nooooo! Surely insulting people is very much on your radar? 🙄

Me and Mr Ghosty McBald or this person who has commented?

Hi OP
Online dating is brutal. I think there could be several explanations here.

He might have liked you on the date and was planning on asking you out again but something happened that changed his mind ie another woman on the site contacted him and asked to meet.

He might have been undecided on the date but in case he wanted to ask you out again he tried to 'put on a good show' so that the option was there once he had thought about it

He might have sat on the train on the way home and thought bleedin heck this is actually quite a long journey. If she lived closer........but she is too far away.

He might be married/in a relationship and is bored/looking for an ego boost so it wouldn't go further with anyone

I had quite a few dates where I thought they had gone okay and then got feedback which surprised me.
One said I was really 'aloof' on the date when I thought I had been nice and normal and listening to him as he was chatty. He did ask me out again but took to the wednesday from a sunday date. I didn't hear from him in between those days. This was slow, most asked me out within a day if they were going to.

One I went out with twice and after the 2nd date he didn't attempt to kiss me. I know from something he said after our first date that he was quite taken with me so not sure why he didn't try to move things forward. He popped back up a few months later saying his mum had got ill and he had been sorting out a care home for her. I just said sorry to hear that but I'm dating someone else now (I was). What the real story was I will never know.

On the other side I have been on dates where I have gone home and deleted my whole profile to stop them contacting me again. So I guess that would be considered rude as he had no way to contact me. I actually just felt a bit interogated and vunerable on the date and went into panic mode I think.

Another insisted on walking me back to my car (in the middle of the day) but didn't hug/kiss me and I never heard from him again. (I didn't want to go out with him either so perhaps he picked up on that or perhaps we just didn't like each other)

Another guy I went on a 2nd date with and I didn't like his aftershave. I know that sounds weird but smell is important. Then the date went quite well in terms of chatting etc but I offered to pay half (he had invited me to dinner) and he said okay and let me pay half. This really put me off him which I'm not sure if I was unfair or not. I mean he was maybe taking me at my word that I wanted to pay half or perhaps he was just a tight wad. I would have paid for the next date but for some reason this just put me off him. No money was spent by either on the first date. So I text him after to say I wasn't over my ex and was going to take a longer break from dating.

Another guy I met for coffee and thought it went okay but I accidently was a bit 'bitchy' about someone. Not my usual style at all so it was probably nerves. He send some chatty texts after the date and we text back and forward that evening. Then never heard from him again. So not sure - was he waiting for me to ask him out.

Another guy met for a drink, he asked me to go for dinner so I said yes as it was still early. He then proceeded to get drunk and tell me all his problems so I felt quite uncomfortable. Later after the date I thought about it and thought I had enjoyed the date up to that point so decided maybe he was nervous and drunk too much and was seriously regretting it. So I decided to ask him out again and he made a big deal of telling me he smoked pot, watched porn and something else (I think he thought I was too much of a 'good girl' for him. I made a joke and said 'oh so you're a normal bloke then' and then he did say he thought we should go out again but by this time he had put me off him and so I didn't reply.

Anyway the point of this long post is to show you a female side of dating and how some of my behaviour could have been seen as 'bad' by the man. Mostly it was just me with my own insecurities, worries, trying to work it out.

I used to think it was rude to not text someone but now I just think they are giving you an answer (no) but just in an indirect way. So i think you just need to accept that no response is a negative response.

I definately would not text him again. I'm pretty sure he will pop back up at some point in the future and then of course it's up to you what you decide to do.

Good luck. I stopped dating 11 years ago to concentrate on other things. I am considering going back to it but as I'm now older and less attractive I'm just not sure if I can cope with all the negative that comes with it.

Good luck. None of us like rejection.

My opinion fwiw ... these days this is how men approach app dating, so lower your expectations for the average level of behaviour and the average outcome. It's a given that unless stated otherwise they will be going on multiple dates with multiple women. He will have already had other dates lined up when you two were out together. So maybe you were his favourite prospect on that day but the following day he met someone else nice too, and the day after, etc. etc. Some people get stuck on the merry-go-round of ever-new faces.

In order to stay sane on dating apps, I think it really helps not to take any of this personally. Enjoy any dates for the nice time that they hopefully are but don't invest your emotions into people that you don't yet know. You don't know him and he doesn't know you, so it really isn't personal. It's also not uncommon on the apps for people to get swept temporarily into a few dates with a new person and for that to fizzle out ... at which point he might start revisiting some old matches that he liked. If you want to keep that possibility open, then maybe don't be so quick to block. It's up to you. But there's really no point saying anything more to him now.

I’m also an author but I don’t go round wielding it like a strange badge of honour. It’s very ‘do you know who I am’ of you.

Yeah, not necessarily good either though I’m thinking 😂

Yet you want to waste it on a pointless back and forth about how neither of you want to meet up again?

OLD is harsh. I went on hundreds of dates and many of the best ones didn’t want to see me again. I’ve no idea why. But you know so little of what else is happening in their lives, so I’d say there is a very good chance it is them not you. I’d just leave it. I wouldn’t block…suppose he messaged at some future point with a legitimate excuse (he was hospitalised and only just able to respond, one of my friends had a boyfriend not get in touch for a week…she’d sent tens of increasingly crazied texts. He’d had a life threatening accident and been in intensive care. He didn’t want to see her again as all the texts accusing him of cheating/etc put him off

My royalties disagree with you. Why so antagonistic- do you want to date the man? He’s all yours

This is why I’m thinking that I should just send a one-word profanity and quickly block him

As much as I'd be tempted to text or maybe even call, I'd recommend leaving it. The best answer her would be silence. You had a great time, now you both don't really want to see each other again, fine then, move on. This isn't about you, it's on him.

But what if a final text from me - a one-word profanity - and then blocking him made me feel better?

You’re seemingly also an author who wants to date this man - well go for it.

If it makes you feel any better, OP, same-sex dating is just as rough. Girls ghost too and none of it’s personal, just keep going. Your time is precious, I get that. I found writing down exactly what I wanted really helpful to stay focused.

You mean I should write down exactly what I want and send it to this man? I was going to send him a one-word profanity and block him but maybe your approach is better

blimey this comes across really bad on your part.

We get it, its upsetting when you've enjoyed a good first date and they dont want the second. No one wants to feel a rejected, but you've got to handle it better than a toddler with all the name calling.

Something that I learned in my very late 30’s is that people who date you owe you nothing. They lie. They have their own relationships (friends / family / dating). They aren’t obligated to give you a relationship. They aren’t obligated to follow up after a date.

You need to understand that with men in their 40’s - there is a reason why they are single and/or online dating. Some are incapable of forming any sort of meaningful relationship. Some are playing the field. Some are married. But the overwhelming majority are broken - they are damaged people who no one wants to be with.

I was matched on tinder with a guy who went on Married at First Site. We spoke a bit. He was very attractive and fit. But there was something not right about him. I didn’t like his personality. Turns out he went on Married at First site but the producers didn’t vet him properly and he married someone who then raised red flags with the producers and he was kicked off the show because it turns out he was an absolute psycho. The producers cut production and never aired him.

I matched with another guy on tinder who was very attractive. We talked a bit but I didn’t feel he could support me financially. He was an actor and trying to break into acting and I was really happy for him when I saw him on tv. But at my age I didn’t want to date someone who didn’t have his career sorted.

My point is - your date might have been amazing - but your date might not have felt that way about you. There might have been something he didn’t like about you or simply didn’t think you were compatible. He might be that way with everyone.

I’ve been ghosted once before. Once after I slept over for the first time. He told me he didn’t like how I looked first thing in the morning. I ended up being hospitalised and having emergency surgery. That was weird. But again, there was something wrong with him. There was a reason his marriage failed and that reason was still around (his mother).

You’ve had one good date. All of your dates should be good dates but I think the calibre of men in their 40’s are just really bad. You are basically scraping the bottom of the barrel of men noone else wants.

Let me guess - you want to date this man. I’m past caring now. Soon enough you’ll be running back to this thread, gnashing your teeth and saying he’s ghosted you too.

Bloody hell, a collection of terrible dating stories in quick succession

I’m past caring now

He is clearly living rent free in your head. 😂

No thanks. Short balding men with bad teeth are not on my dance card for this weekend. Think I’ll stick with my husband.

Glad to hear it about the royalties. When you mentioned Sainsbury’s + bargains + 10 minute train ride being expensive I assumed you were skint, good to know it’s just thrift. Or something.

i never hardly comment on any thread but this one has given me an erge to. Firstly, ghosting is absolutely pathetic . And it is sadly due to men at all ages thinking they are something special when they are not and always looking for the prettiest women and hoping they can get them . This is why they ghost . Always aiming for ‘better’ and this is why they never settle . Always chasing . Turns me sick .
secondly, Im very quick tempered and would have to message him. Probably being more horrible than I should . But thats me and thats my down fall. But I don’t think men should get away with the way they treat women. As for him loving it thinking you want him . Hmmmm I would word it so that wouldn’t enter his bald headed brain.
and lastly . Now I don’t want to come across as mean to you op and I agree with everything you have said and feel but I don’t know if you come across as a ‘look at me’ Im an ‘author’ you should be on your knees cleaning my shoes kind of women . But thats the vibe you’re giving me . And You have said it multiple times . Now if you were like this on a date . You could be the prettiest person on earth but it would put me off as I would assume your whole personality was 💩.