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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me her baby was born

163 replies

AllIDoIsFloat · 03/12/2025 16:30

My friend announced her pregnancy in the group chat about two months ago. She sent a 12 week scan and after that basically completely dipped - she didn’t meet up with any of us, would always say yes and then just not turn up. I reached out to her husband and he said she was really good, just not feeling like meeting up.

She posted about eight hours ago on Instagram that their baby was born last month. All of our other friends on the group chat are commenting saying how much they love her, how they’ve loved baby snuggles and her name etc. I’ve messaged her to ask if she’s up to visitors, even just for someone to come and help with housework and she’s ignored it.

I’ve messaged her husband again and he’s dropped the bomb that the reason she doesn’t want to meet with me is because I’m having trouble conceiving. I’ve never, ever, made this her problem. I’ve only ever been happy for her, I went to her baby shower and I’m so happy for her, but her husband has said she’s just not interested in the friendship anymore. I’m so, so heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Marmite1992 · 04/12/2025 03:40

You sound like a lovely person and friend OP. this person is not nice and soon the baby bubble will burst, people won't care so much and she will realise what an amazing friend she has lost. If I were you I'd tell others you are sad she kept it from you as you are genuinely happy for her and find it quite hurtful.
Move on from her lack of friendship, you deserve better. Also the comment she made saying children aren't here to fill a void in your life is just plain nasty, especially as she had just gotten pregnant. Not someone worth wasting time over.

Trendyname · 04/12/2025 04:19

notallwhowanderare · 04/12/2025 02:29

Well, there is nothing you can, actually, do. She has made her decision and her reasons aren't the important part of it. You may want a discussion, but you can't make her want one.

However much it hurts, when people don't want us in their lives, the only option is to accept it.

You know her reasons now, and while they may be unfair, or unkind there in nothing at all you can do about that.

And please stop messaging her husband. It's really very stalkerish indeed (yes it really really is, no matter who wants to deny that) to try to get past someone's boundaries like that. It's actually quite creepy and very intrusive.

Edited

You sound patronising and lacking much empathy.

Trendyname · 04/12/2025 04:24

AllIDoIsFloat · 03/12/2025 16:54

I don’t think they know, no. I’m not keen to tell anyone because obviously it’ll lead to her being isolated and she doesn’t need that as a new mum. I’d rather I’m the one isolated

Show quote history

Saying this gently - please don’t be a martyr. You don’t deserve to be isolated and she does not deserves those friends more than you do because of her changed circumstances. I used to be like you. Prioritising others over me because of their circumstances, when I had difficult circumstances, not one person thought like that about me.

There is nothing wrong in being factual with your friends about what happened. That’s the truth. You are a lovely person and people like you don’t deserve isolation or hiding your pain.

Copperoliverbear · 04/12/2025 04:32

I’d go and knock on her door I would be fuming, if she didn’t see me after that’s fine but I’d have to have my say. She has treated you awfully.

flutterby1 · 04/12/2025 04:38

She wasn’t the person you thought she was unfortunately. Move on and let her taste loneliness in a few months or so. It reminds me I when some women drop friendships when they find a new boyfriend .. she wanted a cozy insular world of her, her husband and baby but we all need outside social networks, she’s foolish.

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 04:46

Let me see if I get this straight. This friend is so overly concerned about your feelings that she invited you to her babyshower? But later on just decided that she doesn't think that you bring anything to her life since you don't have children and is using the "it's for you" card.
Sorry @AllIDoIsFloat but this is not a friend. She's just a selfish bitch who does not deserve your friendship anyway.

HelpMeGetThrough · 04/12/2025 04:58

If there is some form of group chat, I might be inclined to send something along the lines of:

”Your H has told me you feel I can no longer be a good friend and that you no longer want anything to do with me, now that you have achieved what millions of other women have.

As a final message, I am sending all my best wishes to your baby.

To everyone else, if you feel I can still be a friend to you, even though others don’t, you know where I am.”

Petty? Others may see it that way, but I’m too long in the tooth to put up with twats and will now hammer back if I’m treated like shit.

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 05:49

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Original poster
AllIDoIsFloat · 04/12/2025 05:56

notallwhowanderare · 04/12/2025 02:40

Well, no. They might already know her reasons, which they may agree with. When you kept texting her husband, perhaps he only gave you as much of an answer as the two of them thought you could handle.

Do you have form for being overbearing and ignoring boundaries? Texting her husband and continuing to do so when she was clearly trying to ignore you is really odd.

Obviously, they will have realised you weren't invited and haven't been around, and they may well have discussed this with her.

Perhaps they didn't tell you because they understand or agree with her decision not to see you anymore.

And, of course, she would not be isolated anyway as she has family and undoubtedly other friends you're not aware of. Just as you are not isolated as you have other people in your life, presumably, beyond her and some people on a group chat.

Edited
Show quote history

I was texting her husband because I was extremely concerned for her. She was ignoring (seemingly) everyone, not turning up to agreed plans and just not acting like herself. I was worried she was struggling with her mental health.

OP posts:
JC19827 · 04/12/2025 06:17

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JC19827 · 04/12/2025 06:18

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ADHDdiagnosis · 04/12/2025 06:34

You said you went to the baby shower.
how did that happen if she was keeping pregnancy from you?

InlandTaipan · 04/12/2025 06:46

notallwhowanderare · 04/12/2025 02:29

Well, there is nothing you can, actually, do. She has made her decision and her reasons aren't the important part of it. You may want a discussion, but you can't make her want one.

However much it hurts, when people don't want us in their lives, the only option is to accept it.

You know her reasons now, and while they may be unfair, or unkind there in nothing at all you can do about that.

And please stop messaging her husband. It's really very stalkerish indeed (yes it really really is, no matter who wants to deny that) to try to get past someone's boundaries like that. It's actually quite creepy and very intrusive.

Edited

When one unexpectedly acts like a massive, two-faced cunt one must expect a few minor twinges of discomfort whilst the world readjusts itself, especially if one is too fucking cowardly to be honest. I'm sure the "friend" will be just fine, toxic people generally are.

cooksbrandedclock · 04/12/2025 06:52

AllIDoIsFloat · 03/12/2025 17:34

She’s always had an edge to her. About eight months ago we all went out for dinner and during the course of conversation it came up that my partner and I had put a hard end date on IVF as we’re very aware that it could put a huge strain on our relationship and bodies. We’ve always said that if it doesn’t work out for us we’d love to explore fostering or adoption. She snapped about how other children aren’t there to fill our “hole” in our life. Looking back this obviously was just after she had found out she was pregnant, so I’d always tried to rationalise it.

Show quote history

Not a pleasant way to be dumped as a friend. I can imagine it is hurtful. My thought is that in reality, it is nothing to do with babies, IVF or associated things, but it more probably a convenient excuse to end a friendship that was no longer working for her. She is post-partum, so got her husband to metaphorically close the door for her.

Keroppi · 04/12/2025 07:15

You need to get ahead of her and message one of your friends, showing the husbands screenshot of what he said and saying you're really hurt and shocked she is pushing you out of the group/her life. And that you have your struggles but you've never made it anyone else's problem and you've always wanted to meet everyone's growing families and support them as friends bc you care.

You definitely need to do this ASAP before you lose the whole group of friends bc she will be making out like youre jealous and bitter, fuck caring if she is isolated, she obviously won't be as she's now turning the whole group against you!

Ophy83 · 04/12/2025 07:24

You're being too nice, worrying about her becoming isolated. She has chosen to act this way.

JC19827 · 04/12/2025 07:33

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AudHvamm · 04/12/2025 08:10

notallwhowanderare · 04/12/2025 02:40

Well, no. They might already know her reasons, which they may agree with. When you kept texting her husband, perhaps he only gave you as much of an answer as the two of them thought you could handle.

Do you have form for being overbearing and ignoring boundaries? Texting her husband and continuing to do so when she was clearly trying to ignore you is really odd.

Obviously, they will have realised you weren't invited and haven't been around, and they may well have discussed this with her.

Perhaps they didn't tell you because they understand or agree with her decision not to see you anymore.

And, of course, she would not be isolated anyway as she has family and undoubtedly other friends you're not aware of. Just as you are not isolated as you have other people in your life, presumably, beyond her and some people on a group chat.

Edited
Show quote history

Nah. The op behaved within normal bounds for someone who has had a relationship abruptly changed without explanation. I agree that if friend has decided the relationship is over that is her choice, but to suggest the op is at fault is blame shifting. It was up to the friend to communicate her boundaries.

SquishyGloopyBum · 04/12/2025 08:15

Talk to your friends op. She’s isolating you in the most cruel way.

ADHDdiagnosis · 04/12/2025 10:07

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Yes. It doesn’t really fit

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 10:50

AllIDoIsFloat · 03/12/2025 16:49

What she’s said has just made me feel like I’m less than her. I know what she’s trying to say, that because of these troubles she thinks I can’t relate to her. I really just wanted to support her but now I feel so useless.

No, she is less than you. You have got loads of empathy and, despite your fertility struggles, you rejoiced in the arrival of her baby. She has got no empathy at all and even, with her good fortune, can't find it in her heart to treat you with kindness.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 10:57

AllIDoIsFloat · 03/12/2025 18:57

I just really don’t want her to end up isolated when she has a newborn.

I have to admit though this is the first time the reality of our situation has set in. It feels like I’ve failed

You are being too nice. She is absolutely awful and her remark about fostering and adoption was totally cruel and untrue.

She deserves to be judged and isolated as she is a horrible person. You don't deserve it at all.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 11:06

notallwhowanderare · 04/12/2025 02:29

Well, there is nothing you can, actually, do. She has made her decision and her reasons aren't the important part of it. You may want a discussion, but you can't make her want one.

However much it hurts, when people don't want us in their lives, the only option is to accept it.

You know her reasons now, and while they may be unfair, or unkind there in nothing at all you can do about that.

And please stop messaging her husband. It's really very stalkerish indeed (yes it really really is, no matter who wants to deny that) to try to get past someone's boundaries like that. It's actually quite creepy and very intrusive.

Edited

You're the only one on the thread who thinks it's appropriate to put the boot into the obviously devastated OP. Do you really think that people are reasonable to cut a friend out of their lives because the friend cannot conceive a child?

Owly11 · 04/12/2025 11:09

What? This doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Are you sure her husband isn't controlling?

PrancerandDancer · 04/12/2025 11:20

Wow... my jaw hit the floor with that reason.

How awful for you.

You sound absolutely lovely and caring OP, even with this hurt, you are worried about her being isolated. She is hugely missing out.

To say she was "trying to protect you" is a huge reach for her. As you said, you've shown no signs of discomfort when other friends have had babies and she is making massive assumptions. I suspect she is protecting herself from having to deal with any assumed feelings or causing drama.

Either way, she has behaved very unkindly.

Please do not think this is a you issue... she does not sound very nice. The comment about adoption is awful too. Your not "filling a hole", you would be giving a child a chance with a loving, caring family.

Whatever stage you are in your current journey, I wish you all the best <3

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