My friend didn’t tell me her baby was born

[AllIDoIsFloat]

My friend announced her pregnancy in the group chat about two months ago. She sent a 12 week scan and after that basically completely dipped - she didn’t meet up with any of us, would always say yes and then just not turn up. I reached out to her husband and he said she was really good, just not feeling like meeting up.

She posted about eight hours ago on Instagram that their baby was born last month. All of our other friends on the group chat are commenting saying how much they love her, how they’ve loved baby snuggles and her name etc. I’ve messaged her to ask if she’s up to visitors, even just for someone to come and help with housework and she’s ignored it.

I’ve messaged her husband again and he’s dropped the bomb that the reason she doesn’t want to meet with me is because I’m having trouble conceiving. I’ve never, ever, made this her problem. I’ve only ever been happy for her, I went to her baby shower and I’m so happy for her, but her husband has said she’s just not interested in the friendship anymore. I’m so, so heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do

Totally missing the point here, but if she announced her pregnancy two months ago, sent the 12 week scan photo and has already had the baby, the timeline sounds seriously wrong?!

Your friend is being a completely bitch though. Please tell your other friends what she's said-don't let them cut you out.

I'm sorry, OP, that's sad. I think in time you'll come to see that she is simply wanting to hurt you to make herself feel better or superior in some way. She's probably having a rush of power and all the attention is making her feel like she's super special. Reality may sink in at some point that she's alienated a friend for no reason - but I wouldn't hold your breath.

I wouldn't tell everyone in the group, but if there are a few people you feel closer to, you could talk to them privately and say how upset you are. I'm sure your friends will want to support you. You don't have to encourage any falling out or taking sides, but you deserve support, too.

I texted my closest friend from the group and apparently this “friend” had asked everyone else not to tell me about the pregnancy. She didn’t want to upset me. When she texted the scan she was actually closer to seven months pregnant. They have all met the baby in the last week or so and she, again, said she wanted to keep it quiet in order to protect me. She apparently feels like it’ll be too difficult for me to maintain a relationship with her now she has a baby. I don’t know what to say to it to be honest, I’m completely gutted

This is so mean and such a cop out. She clearly doesn’t want to appear to be the bad guy. Horrible behaviour. You deserve better.

Your 'friend' is being horrible, OP. I know you're gutted but try to see this from another perspective -- do you really want to be in this woman's life, knowing that this is how she behaves and thinks? Not only did she cut you out and wouldn't even talk to you about it, she tried to get all your friends to keep a secret from you, which meant taking away your support system.

She is not a friend and you will be better off without her in your life. I would talk to the people you feel close to in the group and tell them your side of the story.

You put it really well up thread how you actually feel. Can you reply to the close friend and say that and you didn't need protection from this and you'd like that to be known for any future babies in the group, how can you spread the word?

New baby or not, I'd be calling out my "friend" for the rude cow she's been to you. She could have at least been honest instead of ignoring you. So sorry you've been treated this way op xx

Oh my actual god. Honestly OP I think this is a case of the trash taking itself out and if your wider friend group end up isolating you too then it’s a lucky escape.

I have gone through years of infertility, finally had a baby via IVF then lost a second IVF baby at 20 weeks recently. Throughout all that time, many of my friends have had babies and none have felt the need to exclude me.

I also have several friends who have also had difficulties in conceiving for various reasons. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t put messages in the WhatsApp groups they were in, I messaged them individually letting them know my good news but acknowledging that it can be difficult news to hear when you are struggling, telling them no reply was needed etc. That’s how you treat friends who are struggling and if she didn’t know how to do that, a quick google search would have told her.

She’s a stone cold bitch and while it doesn’t feel like that now, you’re better off without her. And as for her husband, what a sad sack, there’s no way any self respecting partner would relay that message on her behalf, if she’s brave enough to do it she should be brave enough to say it, not hide behind him.

For what it’s worth, you’re not a failure and please don’t let this bitch make you feel that way. Really hoping it works out for you but if it doesn’t then maybe another path will.

I can maybe relate a little to how you feel after a similar thing happened to me years ago, a person I had considered my “best friend” ghosted me unexpectedly, a pregnancy was involved then too.
I remember the hurt, the humiliation too, of gradually realising what had happened and why.
Now put simply, you’ve had a shock, your self esteem has taken a little knock, and you need to grieve the loss of the friendship.
You need to treat it as grief in a way, give yourself time to recover and build yourself up again by treating yourself kindly and doing happy things with others who make you feel good.
It is no reflection on you as a person, and possibly more to do with whatever she has going on in her life right now, you could maybe have been the best friend in the world to her but for whatever reason it didn’t suit her.
It hurts like mad, it’s sad, it’s confusing, but just keep doing things that build yourself back up and the hurt will settle.
Humans like to feel useful to each other and she made you feel rejected, it stings….but you’ll be ok.
Take care.

Can you not reach out to her and tell her how you feel?

Your (hopefully ex) friend is an absolute bitch.

There’s something going on here I missed earlier.
So all your friend group knew she was deliberately isolating you not once, when she announced the pregnancy, but twice - after she had the baby - and not one of them had the backbone to have a quiet word with you?? None of them considered her behaviour to be bad? Or felt shit at being complicit with this bullshit?
I take back my earlier comment about salvaging what and who you can within this friendship group.
Dump the lot of this spineless, false bunch. You will feel so much better for it.

She is just a huge bitch

I just feel so sad. I don’t understand how anyone could do this

And there lays the hurt, you’ll never understand, and that’s what hurts, so that is why this kind of particular ghosting is cruel, it was convenient for her as it got her off the hook with any decent communication with you, but left you terribly hurt.
In the end you have to find a way to make your peace with it, I would not try to understand it as you won’t. But just know that when you’re all older ladies you can be the one who holds her head high. She will have to reflect on her rubbish treatment of you, and maybe one day in the future she might reach out to apologise.
Just focus on dusting yourself down for now.

Fostering or adoption is a beautiful thing to do, how that can be compared to something selfish is not coming from a rational person. I was in a loving foster home growing up and it saved my childhood, I was so fortunate someone like you and your husband opened their home to me. I wish you the best of luck if you chose to pursue either of those.

so apart from dealing with the pain of not being able to conceive you’re dealing with a vile, cruel bitch! She will get found out ! The pain will fade and you will realise what an utter self absorbed, self righteous cow she is. X

Oh OP I’m so sorry. She sounds like an utter bitch. I have a friend that did multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF and since at one point we were the ‘no kids crew’ in our social circle it did worry me when I eventually and quite unexpectedly had DS. I would never have even thought about cutting her off like this though. I took everything at her pace and she adores DS (insisted on coming to visit on his 1st birthday as she couldn’t make his party the weekend before). I hope that the others in your group come to see her for what she is. If I knew a friend of mine had acted in such a despicable way I’d not want anything to do with them again.

What a massive twat she is. I’d block her today.

My oldest friend got pregnant whilst I was waiting to start IVF. Her pregnancy was totally separate to what I was going through. I then found I was pregnant when her babies were a few months old. It was our friendship that kept us together, not whether we had babies.

What a horrible way to behave. I don’t have any advice but I’m so sorry.

Maybe I’m being naive, but I initially read that as she is worried to cause you pain, not that she thinks she’s something better because you don’t have children. Still not great, but maybe she feels awkward because she knows that she can’t completely avoid the baby topic while being in her baby bubble and she thinks it will be a minefield to navigate.

Find new friends. All of them.

I’m sorry you feel bad, but she’s a horrible minge and you’re well shot.

it’s so bad i really want to believe something has been lost in translation here. You really should talk to mutual friends, they may have a different take on it,

I'm so so sorry. Actually aghast that everyone could have agreed that they would keep this secret from you.

Distance yourself from the lot of them. Even if they felt they were acting in your best interests this is so far off base as to indicate that they are crappy friends. You don't want people around you who would involve themselves in such an elaborate lie.

I wish I could give you a huge hug. This must feel awful. It's not you, it's them.