My friend didn’t tell me her baby was born

[AllIDoIsFloat]

My friend announced her pregnancy in the group chat about two months ago. She sent a 12 week scan and after that basically completely dipped - she didn’t meet up with any of us, would always say yes and then just not turn up. I reached out to her husband and he said she was really good, just not feeling like meeting up.

She posted about eight hours ago on Instagram that their baby was born last month. All of our other friends on the group chat are commenting saying how much they love her, how they’ve loved baby snuggles and her name etc. I’ve messaged her to ask if she’s up to visitors, even just for someone to come and help with housework and she’s ignored it.

I’ve messaged her husband again and he’s dropped the bomb that the reason she doesn’t want to meet with me is because I’m having trouble conceiving. I’ve never, ever, made this her problem. I’ve only ever been happy for her, I went to her baby shower and I’m so happy for her, but her husband has said she’s just not interested in the friendship anymore. I’m so, so heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do

Wow, I'm so sorry. Everything has already been said by others, but I would say don't let yourself become isolated from the friends group because of her. You need to control the narrative. She may end up telling them you're the one who couldn't hack it and it may make them all withdraw in turn. You can explain it factually just as you've done here. She doesn't deserve to get away with this.

What an absolute bitch. I think I'd repost her husband's comments in your group chat, and then leave her to it.

I just really don’t want her to end up isolated when she has a newborn.

I have to admit though this is the first time the reality of our situation has set in. It feels like I’ve failed

I’ve got to say she sounds completely self absorbed and frankly not a person that I’d want in my life. And I’d let this ‘friendship’ slide. I also been through ivf and like you I didnt go on about it all the time (even though i found it a tough process all round) but friends were supportive, all of whom were at a range of different stages in life. That was ten years ago now and we all still support each other even though we are each navigating different challenges for different reasons. This woman is not a friend and you don’t need to give her any more headspace. You sound like a lovely kind woman who is trying to make sense of why someone has behaved so cruelly and is turning it back on yourself. You are not the problem here, she is. No question.
sending you all good wishes x

Oh OP, I am so sorry. I know how this feels - a friend got pregnant at the same time as I did. I lost my baby, hers made it. She cut me from everything.

I was so hurt as I wanted to celebrate her and meet her baby and she unilaterally decided I couldn't handle it?? It made me feel extra "damaged", that having lost my own baby I was perceived as not being fit to be around any babies. It was a real kick in the teeth at a very low moment.

I think she was uncomfortable with the reminder that she had been lucky when it could have been the other way round... We did talk it through and I began to realise what a gigantic overthinker she is. She definitely fucked up but we've been able to work through it although I don't think I'll ever trust her in the same way. Your "friend" sounds like an idiot and if your mutual friends don't know this has happened then they really should. Hopefully they value you too. You are worthy of respect and care.

I'm sorry OP, I didn't want to read and run. She's really shit and you sound like such a lovely person. I really hope you get your family, through whatever route 💐 if she tries crawling back in the future make sure you tell her to fuck off

Her being isolated doesn't have to be the only outcome. Your friends do not have to choose between you. They can reassure you while also bringing her freezer meals. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

You don't deserve to fade out of your friendship group just because someone else is post partum. If this were going on between two of my friends I'd want to know! If she hasn't been like this before I'd forward her husband's message to a trusted mutual friend and ask if X is ok as this seems strange to you. You don't need to make it a drama, but you're allowed to express your upset here.

Please, it's not divisive to draw attention to what is happening. You deserve kind friends.

I think I would have a bit of compassion here. It doesn’t sound like she is necessarily ignoring you, she’s ignoring everyone in your friend group. Honestly, I didn’t talk to many of my friends at all the first few months after I had a baby. I was barely brushing my teeth.

It could be she also struggled to conceive, hence sharing so little about her pregnancy. It could be, if what her husband said is true, that it’s much more about self preservation and coping with her own stuff, than about you.

I’d also seriously question the veracity of what her husband has said. Maybe he’s exhausted and fed up of being harassed for visits. Maybe she’s massively struggling with her mental health and he doesn’t know how to talk to anyone about it. 2 months is prime time for onset of postnatal mental illness. Maybe he is just a jerk and doesn’t like you and decided to make this up to be mean.

No, everyone else in the group has met the baby. I’m the only one who hasn’t.

I know this probably isn’t what is going on for her but I thought I’d share in case it offers a different perspective

I had a few friends struggling TTC when my first was born. Brilliant friends loved them still do but I had really bad PPA and i had some serious physical health issues after birth that I got it in my head that if I saw them their “bad luck” would rub off on the baby and they’d get ill or die. So I didn’t see them. I also struggled to conceive with my first so I have no idea where this came from. Hormones eh?

completely mad I know but I was so anxious and overwhelmed I saw everything as a threat to my babies health. Calmed down after I gave myself a wobble and spoke to GP.

Give her some Grace if you feel able to and reach out again in a little while if this is something you want to do. The newborn stage is intense and I was not human for a long time.

If everyone else has seen the baby, you are not the one that's failed here.

Don't put yourself second. I had a friend suddenly turn on me and I excused it because she had PPA. I also didn't feel like I had more right to 'our' friends and didn't want to drag them into drama, especially when I thought she needed them more. I realised she, meanwhile, was merrily telling all our mutual friends when a few of them approached me, thankfully compassionately, and with a decent grasp of how unreasonable she was being. As a pp said your friends will be capable of supporting you both.

This. Appalling behaviour by your so-called friend

If she ends up isolated, it's because she's horrid. Nothing you can do about that.

My god, what a horrible thing to say. You don’t need friends like that Op, stick to the other friends.

I am so sorry that your friend has treated you so badly. I would understand not rubbing it in your face but the fact you reacted out to her is appalling.

Drop them as friend. They are crossing boundaries they should not cross without consent.

She has behaved at atrociously. At a point in your life when you deserved empathy she has actively gone out of her way to make you feel worse. To be honest I'm not sure why you are putting her needs over yours. I would tell your friends what has happened and let them decide for themselves what they want to do. She will not find herself isolated as I'm sure she will embrace her new status and make new mum friends. But why should you be frozen out of the group? She has behaved so badly and this is not a friendship worth having, but don't let her take your other friends with as well.

OP, please do not protect this horrible, vile woman. You are at risk of losing more friendships if you do. I would screenshot your messages to her, your messages to her husband and his response back and private message these to your friends, explaining what’s happened.

If they decide to fall out with her over it then it’s nothing less than what she deserves and it’d do you good to (I mean this as kindly as possible) stop being so wet and show some anger towards what she’s done. She’s behaved absolutely appallingly. Toxic cow.

Agreed. Being a new mother is no excuse for being a twat. If she comes knocking when you have your baby, tell her, politely, to jog the fuck on!

Tbh she doesn’t sound very nice at all hearing about that ‘children don’t exist to fill the hole in your relationship’ comment so cruel and patronising. Why do people have kids then? Including her?! People feel a need/desire to be parents and if not to their own due to medical reasons, then to other children that may need a home. Reducing this caring desire to ‘filling a hole’ is just crass.

I think you’re better off putting your energy towards some of your more positive friends and in time she will regret treating you so cruelly but hopefully you’ll have moved on ❤️.