My friend didn’t tell me her baby was born

[AllIDoIsFloat]

My friend announced her pregnancy in the group chat about two months ago. She sent a 12 week scan and after that basically completely dipped - she didn’t meet up with any of us, would always say yes and then just not turn up. I reached out to her husband and he said she was really good, just not feeling like meeting up.

She posted about eight hours ago on Instagram that their baby was born last month. All of our other friends on the group chat are commenting saying how much they love her, how they’ve loved baby snuggles and her name etc. I’ve messaged her to ask if she’s up to visitors, even just for someone to come and help with housework and she’s ignored it.

I’ve messaged her husband again and he’s dropped the bomb that the reason she doesn’t want to meet with me is because I’m having trouble conceiving. I’ve never, ever, made this her problem. I’ve only ever been happy for her, I went to her baby shower and I’m so happy for her, but her husband has said she’s just not interested in the friendship anymore. I’m so, so heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do

She sounds horrible.

Oh my God OP, how can you be so selfless? You sound like an absolutely lovely person and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your friend is absolutely awful and insensitive, and really your friends should know the truth. Please don’t isolate yourself, you need your friends.

I’m sorry for your situation, that was me for a few years. I admit I found it hard to be around friends who had babies but I’m lucky that my friends were more considerate, despite a few stupidly crass comments. I hope you will succeed in having your own baby in the future.

This has made me so angry on your behalf OP. I also had struggles conceiving and had IVF so I know just how painful it is, without her adding to it.

just to be very clear, as someone who has had struggles conceiving and someone who has had a newborn, you need the support more than her and you absolutely should not put yourself second! You sound like a very lovely person and she was lucky to have you - you on the other hand were not at all lucky to have her! For what it’s worth, this stranger on the internet thinks you’d make a bloody lovely mum, whether that be through IVF, fostering, adoption, or whatever route you take. Very best of luck to you

You’re well shot of her op, she sounds awful. Forgot about her, she’s shown you who she is now. Concentrate on your friends who are kind, and treat you well. PS also can’t believe she got her DH to do her dirty work for her!

This must be heartbreaking for you up OP. Your friend has behaved appalingly and you do not need any friend like this. It's an extremely callous thing to do to someone. Take care of yourself and I would access some counselling to talk this through.

I think you need your friends now OP, and they don't need to be made to choose between you and the new mum. Maybe arrange to see one or two of the ones you are closest too and say how sad this is making you without bad-mouthing your friend. She is probably not able to cope with seeing you for some reason of her own. She may have a totally irrational idea that you'd be jealous or wish her ill. Of course you aren't and don't, but she might be kind of superstitious about women with problems conceiving.
Either way, it does not make you less than her in any way, and you deserve to have friends and other good things in your life.

I'd be making it very clear, either in the group chat or to your closest friend within the group that you are very happy for your friend and would have loved to have met baby for cuddles. And that the only upset you have is that the happy news was kept from you and that you have been deliberately excluded.

She sounds like an utter bitch.

Especially since if you don't, they may think you're avoiding her and distance themselves because they think that's selfish.

She's not a friend, and you could end up being blamed for motives you don't have. Also, focus on other friends.

@AllIDoIsFloat she’s said one reason to all the friends (protecting you) and her DH has said something else to you. She is making herself look caring when it doesn’t look likely! Honestly, I’d be putting the friends in the picture and explaining she blocked you and sent her DH to do her dirty work. She doesn’t get to manipulate you out of the group in this way 😡

Hold on a second. So the rest of these friends were aware that she was keeping the secret from you and not one of them bothered speaking up? And all of them - knowing that you were being purposefully excluded - posted about the baby cuddles they’d been having on a group chat you’re in?

Your friend is awful and I really know how much it hurts but I’d be tempted to consider if you might need a whole new friendship group.

Take the fact she's a new mum out of the equation here.

She is a nasty bully excluding you. You don't need anyone like that in your life.

What a selfish coward

You sound lovely. You don’t deserve this treatment at all. I’m so sorry love. Xxx

I'm saying this as someone who has had a hard time building a family - stop thinking of her feelings, she has no consideration of yours. It's bullying to isolate you from the group and have you as the only one that hasn't met the baby. She is not better than you because she produced another human, she's insensitive, cowardly hiding behind her husband, and frankly, a bitch.

Don't let her isolate you or feel bad a second longer. I also wouldn't hide her poor behaviour, any decent friends you have would rightfully be disgusted and support you

I know that you are really hurting and I understand why but that is just a vile thing to say. It is easy for me to say don't waste another second thinking about what she has said and done, of course you will as you try to make sense of her cruel behaviour. I hope that one day you will barely spare her one iota of mental energy because you have moved on from her mean spirited self-absorption

Goodness, what a very deliberate act she did to isolate you from your friends pregnant or not pregnant. The fact she enforced rules on your other friends demonstrates how she likes to exert power over others. Write up how upset you are on the group chat highlighting how you expected better behaviour as a so called friend group. They closed you out with purpose and used an elaborate lie as others have said.

Don't isolate yourself from your friends and don't be a martyr over this. She is a bully and this is unacceptable behaviour from her. It's not your fault.

It's weird behaviour from your friends too. If they didn't know beforehand that you'd not met the baby they would of definetly known once they'd met the baby. I know in our friendship group we would ask which friends had been to visit the baby

Do you think the new mum is making you out to be really jealous or really upset or somthing?

My situation is very different, because I've chosen not to have children. But I did have a friend who dropped me when she had children, she said she didn't have time for someone like me. It was very strange to me because she knows I love kids but I said fine, that was her choice.

She stayed friends with mutual friends though, one who wanted kids but was trying to buy a house first and one who was trying to get pregnant and had her child a few months after she had hers. She told the pregnant mutual friend she should stop being friends with me because I would show her what she was missing and make motherhood hard for her, but mutual friend didn't listen to her and continued our friendship.

When the mutual friend had her child I did a lot for her and to keep the relationship between us strong as I always do with my friends and relatives with children and the friend who dropped me got in touch wanting to fix the relationship (wanting my help like our mutual friend got obviously) but I didn't because she hurt me too much by ending the friendship.

So while it's a different scenario I do understand the hurt that someone would end a friendship like that after they've had a child. Obviously you have additional pain for which I'm so sorry, so your situation is much worse, but I just wanted to say, prepare yourself for how you will feel if she tries to get in contact in future because it really hurt me all over again and I was very u prepared for it.

She is a self-centred, insensitive, total and utter bitch. She clearly sees herself as the centre of the universe and if you can't orbit around her in the small, enclosed, toxic world she has created, she doesn't want you.

I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain OP. It is completely understandable and justified. I wouldn't be making any big statements in the group chat (and risking further hurt) but don't hesitate to be transparent with anyone in the group you are in contact with about what has happened.

Please don't let this destroy you. Process the grief, move forward in your own journey, stay open to new friendships. People who hurt you like this don't belong in your life.

Well, there is nothing you can, actually, do. She has made her decision and her reasons aren't the important part of it. You may want a discussion, but you can't make her want one.

However much it hurts, when people don't want us in their lives, the only option is to accept it.

You know her reasons now, and while they may be unfair, or unkind there in nothing at all you can do about that.

And please stop messaging her husband. It's really very stalkerish indeed (yes it really really is, no matter who wants to deny that) to try to get past someone's boundaries like that. It's actually quite creepy and very intrusive.

Well, no. They might already know her reasons, which they may agree with. When you kept texting her husband, perhaps he only gave you as much of an answer as the two of them thought you could handle.

Do you have form for being overbearing and ignoring boundaries? Texting her husband and continuing to do so when she was clearly trying to ignore you is really odd.

Obviously, they will have realised you weren't invited and haven't been around, and they may well have discussed this with her.

Perhaps they didn't tell you because they understand or agree with her decision not to see you anymore.

And, of course, she would not be isolated anyway as she has family and undoubtedly other friends you're not aware of. Just as you are not isolated as you have other people in your life, presumably, beyond her and some people on a group chat.

Op should not be burden with the responsibility of understanding her friends feelings and reasons. It’s just rude and horrible to treat op this way and I wish people were not this self centred.
I am currently in India, and I can see the merits of sense of community, more the merrier. Distancing from people because they are struggling is a decline in society.

I am sorry op, your so called friend has treated you this way. You are not less than her, in fact it’s her who has less humanity.

She sounds like an absolute bitch and not a friend at all to do something like that to you. Tell your mutual friends so they can support you and understand why you’re sad. Your friends im sure can be friends with both parties.

She's a nasty bitch. She couldn't even be arsed to respond to you and got her husband to do her dirty work.