(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

OP, this will all feel awful right now, but if you were doing something criminal and abusive to another member of your household in your sleep I'm betting you'd stop it happening the same day, with no excuses. You'd do that because you care about them. I wonder if it's worth you using the r word to him directly so he can't be in denial: "I don't consent to sex tonight. If you penetrate me in my sleep it will be rape". If he doesn't act to stop it happening tonight, then he is willing to rape and you are unsafe. Will his parents have him until he can ensure your safety?

Has he spoken to his Dr?

Im skeptical about his sexomnia, because id bet my mortgage if he was on a lads trip he wouldnt wake up inside one of them. but say it's true.. why isnt he sleeping elsewhere? What medical intervention is he seeking?

Having sex with you after you said no, is an assault. If thats due to a medical condition the idea of having painful non-consentual sex with you while youre unconscious should be so abhorrent to him hes seeking treatment?

And if he isnt, he doesnt love you enough. That's it.

PLEASE don't blame the victim for "complicity" - that's exactly what the rapists of Gisèle Pelicot did: She may not want to believe it's deliberate abuse because the it's so unbelievable to her that her partner would do that and because the consequences of that being the case would be so life changing to her and her child/children:
That does NOTmake it a "folie a deux" or she wouldn't be on here posting about how much it bothers her:

Your determination to pick a stupid argument, on this horrifying and painful thread, is disgusting.

Whether this man truly has sexsomnia is NOT relevant here. What IS relevant is that he knows he's had sex without consent with his wife's sleeping body and he does NOTHING to stop him from doing it again.

That absolutely makes him a RAPIST.

He knows what he's doing. And I agree with PPs, he doesn't have sexsomnia, he's just lying, like all the men who are currently using this to excuse their rapes of sleeping women in the UK.

He’s a rapist POS, OP. If you can’t get out, get a lock or door stop for your bedroom.

Exactly this. If someone had told me 15 years ago that my ex was raping me I would have denied it. Even five years ago I would have struggled to believe it. He had a medical condition, it wasn't his fault, he couldn't help it.

Except, after the first time, if it was genuine, he absolutely could have taken steps to stop it happening again. He should have been horrified and the fact that he wasn't, in hindsight, tells me everything I need to know.

@Smoggle123 I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. You don't have to take the advice of anyone here. It might take a long time for the truth to sink in. Whatever happens, please know that this isn't your fault and you don't have to put up with it. Medical condition or not, what he's doing to you is not OK.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing

I'm sorry OP, but the amount of men who are willing to lie, rape or sexually abuse women in some way likely outnumbers those with that sleep condition, to a considerable degree.

If you are determined to stay, he needs to sleep on the sofa or another room from now on, and you need a lock on your bedroom door.

If he genuinely has this sexomnia, and if he has any empathy or sense, he will comply with no protest, no sulking. Any good man who realises that he's capable of doing this would want to take immediate action, so if he doesn't or actually starts complaining that he has to.....that's your answer really.

Masturbation isnt the same as sex. But you arent saying I dont fancy it tonight, sort yourself out. Youre saying im PP, sore, emotionally vulnerable and not consenting to sex... and hes having sex with you whilst youre unconscious anyway!?!

And a potential solution could be him sleeping elsewhere, speaking to his Dr, or just masturbating before bed to reduce the unconscious urges. But hed rather continue to assault you because "a wank doesnt cut it"

Lets say it is a condition, and he has it. He could mitigate the risk to you and chooses not too. He'd rather risk unconsentual sex with you than choose masturbation. I dont know why youre making excuses for him, either hes not got this is deliberately assaulting you. Or hes got a condition that leads to you being assaulted he chooses to do nothing about it

The fact youve titled this with SA trigger warning means you know..

If you cant leave today thats ok, but id reach out to woman's aid now, get help getting ready

You're falsely claiming that research proves that men can rape in their sleep when said research is hotly contested by other experts in the same field - and even more hotly contested by anyone with a functioning brain.

Joseph Short used the lame excuse of sexsomnia in a rape case in Scotland in 2015 and a gullible judge acquitted him. The same soldier went on to rape at least 2 other women in England and was subsequently jailed for 11 years in 2016 despite using "sexsomnia" as his defence a second time round. The judge in England did not believe that the man could have been asleep while pursing his victim on a bicycle (yes you read that right) and then violently raping her.

You are free to believe in phoney baloney if you wish - it's a free world.

There's no shortage of quacks looking for fame and increased funding for their pet project. Men in white coats are not Gods no matter how much they try to convince themselves or the rest of us.

Yet you won’t even make him sleep elsewhere?!

Do not let him convince you its happening because youre special and "triggering him". You arent special or at fault.

The people who accept its validity attribute it to stress, sleep deprivation, stress, alcohol abuse, and bad sleep hygiene not their partner triggering an urge.

This isnt your fault.

It's not your responsibility, or OPs, to break his pattern of behaviour. It's his responsibility. It's all on him. If he's not taking steps to stop it from happening then he's OK with it continuing to happen. I'm sorry he's doing this to you

Technically speaking, how would you force a man to have sex if he didn't have an erection? And even then, how likely is it that he would not wake up long before you had reached orgasm? It's not just "luck":

If he isn't doing all he can to prevent it from happening, then I'm sorry to say he's using it to his advantage (whether it's a condition or him taking advantage of you). HE needs to move out. HE needs to sort his shit out. HE doesn't get to feel sorry for himself.

The fact this has only ever happened when there have been dry spells says it all.

If he won't take responsibility for his actions, he needs to be reported because he is not doing all he can to protect you and prevent it happening again. He's just hiding behind the excuse which is akin to doing the same whilst awake and conscious in my opinion.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

This is a bit damning, @Smoggle123 . But if it stopped happening after “long discussions,” then obviously it IS something he can control. And since he’s never bothered to be medically diagnosed (as many have said, any decent bloke would be horrified by what happened and on the phone to their GP).

OP, I understand what you’re saying. Your child is about to have surgery and it’s less than a month until Christmas; as a result, it doesn’t sound as if leaving is possible. With that said, he absolutely needs to sleep somewhere else until he can see a professional about his “sexomnia” issue, and offer him treatment.

If he won’t leave, just leave yourself and sleep anywhere else, whether it’s the baby room or a sofa bed.,

My husband isn’t like thsi at all when he is awake

How many times had it happened recently OP?

A real woman, dealing with a real situation, started this thread to discuss something horribly traumatic that is actually happening to her.

Filter to OPs posts and RTFT again. Is your desire to prove that you’re right more important than helping a woman who is waking up to find that she is being subjected to penetrative sex that she has explicitly said she does not want? He is showing no remorse, and won’t take any steps to prevent this happening again. Does it even matter if it’s a real condition that some people have, when he intends to continue sexually assaulting her in her sleep?

OP is in a vulnerable position and she’s already being gaslit by this man. You risk supporting an abuser’s narrative if you insist on continuing this pointless and disgustingly tone-deaf debate.

I am really not the one picking stupid arguments when my comments are based on research into this area. I’m not the mumsnet armchair gp on this thread !

and if you RTFT my first comment was about
him sleeping on the sofa etc etc

Others wanted the research facts
So I posted that

Now no one wants to believe research ( as it doesn’t fit their posts ) it seems or are suggesting it’s fake or manipulated

No one here can say what is wrong with this guy other than the fact it’s high time he went to the doctors and slept elsewhere.
OP waiting a year isn’t going to change her life during that time unless he gets a diagnosis asap

What would happen if you slapped him hard on the face. Would he wake up?

This is the case for my partner

FGS stop it. Your argumentativeness and centering yourself are completely inappropriate here.

If he has it that could be dangerous. Like the aggressive reaction some have if you wake them whilst sleep walking.

I'm afraid i agree with everyone else OP and I'm very sorry you're in this boat.

The first time a man has sleeping sex with his wife it's sexomnia. If he does absolutely nothing after being told about it to prevent it, the second time is rape.

I hope he takes to the couch or to sleeping in pants with no gap and trousers with a belt, but if not then please protect yourself with difficult to remove clothes.