(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

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Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Or the other option is he knows exactly what he's doing, in which case it's a crime and he's a criminal.

Tell him he can call the doctor and receive a formal diagnosis and treatment plan - or you can call the police. His choice.

This is a really upsetting read
I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
Are you afraid of him?
Do you have anyone IRL to give you support?
💐

No I didnt say to send it him I literally said I'd be tempted to if I was encouraging her to show it him I'd of said send it to him so he can what everyone thinks of him 🤦‍♀️

If this was happening to me I would be tempted to send it to him, which is why I said I'd be tempted

I’d get a camera set up. See how often Sexomnia happens then. I’d also drop in that sex without permission is rape.

I don’t believe this is a thing.

It sounds to me as if he’s using ‘being unconscious’ as a justification for raping you. Its only a ‘real’ thing because men have decided to tell us it is for this reason.

grim, grim, and even more grim.

He doesn’t have sexomnia, he is a rapist.

And you are massively naive if you believe he has sexomnia. (He only has it when you’re going through a rough patch eh?) Ask him to sleep next to his straight mate for a week, see if he has ‘sexomnia’ then. I’m guessing he won’t.

He hasn't bothered to have his self diagnosis investigated by professionals.

If he really did have something going on, he would be taking steps to ensure that he doesn't rape you again, like sleeping in another room and getting medical attention. Most men would be horrified. He's snarky and excuses himself by saying masturbation isn't the same.

Since he's done none of that and seems fine with getting sex even if it's nonconsensual, he's a rapist. There is no medical condition. He's doing this purposefully.

I'm not going to debate whether sexomnia is real or whether your husband has it, because that won't help you.

The most concerning thing here is that yiur husband violates you. He also doesn't care about the impact of you which is a massive red flag and also isn't doing a single thing to stop it (another red flag)and hasn't sought diagnosis or treatment (another red flag).

Other than this massive issue, his overall treatment of you appears awful.

I really think you need to ask him to leave as he currently is a risk to yuo both physically and emotionally.

What’s his GP recommended? 🤔

“Having a wank isn’t as good as raping you.”

Your husband is abusing you.
It sounds like he has been grooming / gaslighting you for some time so that you believe the unbelievable.

I don't for one nano second think he is having sex while asleep.

Go sleep in another room - in a child's bed if necessary and lock the door.

He needs to go to the GP. Perhaps some sleeping tablets to knock him out for the night would help?

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie

Yes it is to both.

He's raping you and lying about having a medical condition that’s not been diagnosed and so yes he’s an absolute piece of shit rapist and a fucking liar.

And he could do a lot to help Huber but he refuses to because he knows he’s lying and a doctor would see through him in seconds.

This is a man who has told you to your face that he’d rather carry on raping you than gave a wank - he belongs in prison, he’s a danger to you and your DC.

Not too sleep deprived to be groping at you during the day, is he?

I'm sorry he is doing this to you and has latched upon a way to convince you that it isn't happening.

I don’t understand the point of this thread. Op isn’t listening to anything being said.

@PinkPonyClubDancer I'm listening. What the hell do you want me to do? I have no where to go, no job. I have a baby and a poorly child. No family or irl support. With my child's surgery coming up and Christmas shortly after im not about to run to the police or woman's aid and throw us all in a hostel.

Perhaps it will take a while to sink in. And she's got a new baby. When I had my daughter I could hardly get through the day, let alone take any decisive action about anything. I sincerely hope that OP's survival instincts kick in soon. As others have said, the very fact that he's admitted that a wank doesn't cut it, or isn't the same, means he is choosing rape over his hand. It must be really hard to hear this but please hear it, OP.

It comes under sexsomnia, though. It's just luck that I only took care of myself. You were suggesting that women don't suffer from sexsomnia.

I agree with you …

but …

OP has been gaslighted by the bloke for many years

hey natural reaction is denial - no, he might be an ass but he has this disorder he can’t help it … I’m not being raped …

because the truth is too painful
and because she has been gaslighted

but the fact that she has posted, and has been reading shows there is that chink of insight within her, the part that is feeling violated and upset and give her time ..

the penny is going to drop and it’s gonna hurt, I’m so sorry OP xx

I'm really sorry OP you're in a horrible situation. If you want my advice (feel free not to take, I've never been in your position but this is what I would tell a friend) In the long term you need to make plans to leave. In the short term start taking contraception. Tell a trusted friend about this so you have support in real life. Wear an all in one to bed (on amazon they have thinner ones so won't be too hot) which you can't take off quickly. Make sure your husband can't access your children's bedrooms at night without waking you. Are they his children too?

The point is, those of us who suffer from parasomnias have no control over what we do in our sleep. My partner at the the was really unhappy that I was doing what I did in my sleep (abusive relationship, but that's almost beside the point) - he hated it, and if I could have 'subconciously' stopped it, I damned well would have (to prevent further vitriol).

Is it an option once your child has recovered from surgery and Christmas it out the way? You could use this time to potentially get your ducks I a row and seek out support

Me and my baby spent his 1st birthday in a hostel when we were fleeing DV. He spent his 2nd and 3rd birthdays in temporary housing...... but yano what OP not a single day goes by where I'm not extremely grateful to past me for finding the strength to leave

You definetly need to have a think about what your going to do, your MH must be in tatters right now x

Studies will provide any answers those paying for the studies want.
Question: If the men were "on their own" how did they have sex with someone else?

Answer: They didn't.

Did they w**k off in their sleep?
That I can believe - we used to call that having a wet dream.

Practical question - does the man watch porn just before bedtime?
If yes is the answer - then stop watching porn.
It's violence against women.

Any man having sex with his wife while she is asleep is raping her.
The woman needs to leave if at all possible depending on her own circumstances or lock herself into another room at nighttime.

Let's see if he starts sleep-walking next.

One of you, preferably him, has to move out of the bedroom. You cannot put yourself at risk of further assaults. I imagine this will not be an easy conversation, and it's likely he will try to apportion blame, but you need to keep yourself safe. Rape is a pernicious thing, and the effects of it last many years.