(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

That's rape

Yes, I mean he should at least sleep on couch if he has a problem, but we all know this is rape.

This is interesting OP
a CNN news article re treatments etc

“ There are medications such as clonazepam, a drug used for epilepsy, restless legs syndrome and panic disorder, that can successfully control unwanted sexsomnia for many but not all.
Medication did not help the 41-year-old woman whom Schenck treated after her son overheard her, but quitting her high-stress job did. She began sleeping solidly for six to seven hours without any recurrence of her sexsomnia.

“It’s so interesting, because a lot of people with stress become hyposexual, not interested in sex,” Schenck said. “And for others, it’s the other way. So there’s no 100% absolute rule.”
Behavioral treatments are also available
Medication for sexsomnia has side effects and can become habit-forming. People who don’t wish to use drugs can try various behavioral approaches to control the condition, said Northwestern’s Mundt, who published a review of such treatments in September 2023.
“From the literature and from my own experience, it’s definitely true we can reduce the symptoms dramatically or possibly eliminate the symptoms for some people,” she said. “Others may only have a partial improvement or no improvement, and that’s where medication might be necessary.”

So potential help OP

"The first time a man has sleeping sex with his wife it's sexomnia. If he does absolutely nothing after being told about it to prevent it, the second time is rape."

Yep.

I think if you woke up, stopped the sex, left the bedroom and woke him up this sexsomnia would suddenly stop. He's carrying on because he's getting away with it and getting what he wants.
Just because sexsomnia is a real condition doesn't mean you have to put up with it!

I'm really sorry OP this is one of the most horrific things I've read on here in over 8 years of being a member.

I hope you can keep yourself safe until you are in a position to leave. Don't tell him you're leaving until you've already moved into a new place and don't give him the address.

It's rape if he's doing nothing to prevent it.

Also, without a diagnosis I'd call it bullshitting.

He's a rapist. Do everything you can to leave.

It’s rape full stop.
i wouldn’t pay much attention to the posters saying ‘why didn’t you just x y or z?’ It isn’t that simple and in your position it’s unsurprising that you would freeze.
As for feeling sorry for himself he should fuck off forever if that’s his response to your shock and pain. Twat. Rapist twat.

That's a good point! If this is genuine (which I highly doubt, I believe he is a rapist and knows exactly what he is doing) he needs moving out of the house. It's not safe for him to sleep in the same house as children.

No, I've only posted once on this thread (are you confusing me with somebody else?), & I'm suggesting that your reported experiences & the OP's DH's reported behaviour appear quite different.

What else do women who suffer from sexsomnia do, then? As in, do they sexually attack other people? If not, it's not much of a problem & a very different phenomenon.

Can I ask why you didn't take the morning after pill if you are scared of getting pregnant?

He sexually assaults and rapes you. You need to ask him to leave whilst you think about wether you press charges or not.

There are sleep clinics that people can be referred to and tiredness can exacerbate sleep problems. However, if your husband is serious about you, I would expect he would be open to sleeping separately and getting help for this problem. If he continues to be snarky, or refuse help, I would be really concerned about his regard for me.

I'd be looking on some sensory clothing (look up clothing for autistic adults) and buy an all in one that zips up the back and make sure you're sleeping on your back too. Don't make it easy for him.

I'd also suggest you start talking to Women's Aid. Get their advice on how to leave safely. It doesn't have to happen today, or even in a few months time given all you've got on. But if you're working on a plan, you can leave when you're good and ready. And document every single time this happens.

Lemme see:

• Shock.
• Denial about what's just happened to her.
• Concern that the high dose of hormones will get into her milk supply.
• Belief that lactational amenorrhea protects her.
• Lack of money to buy it
• Inability to get to the pharmacist with a baby in tow.

Do you think this prince amongst men will support her in getting emergency contraception? Some men use rape and forced pregnancy as a means of controlling their wives.

If it is a parasomnia, it is a medical issue, and needs very prompt investigation (and treatment). As I mentioned in a previous post, REM sleep behaviour disorder can be linked with other neurological conditions (like Parkinsons). He needs to get it checked out. If it is a true parasomnia, then it is less the fact that it has happened before, but more his response moving forward, and what he will do to protect you (and others in the house) to keep you safe, that you need to consider in terms of whether you stay together. So he needs to show willingness to get it investigated - and also put measures in place to stop it happening again. (Whether this be separate beds during periods of broken sleep, no alcohol, locks on doors, and whatever treatments are recommended by doctors).

My dh (when we had a little one, and had very broken sleep) did sometimes move during dreams - it tends to be his legs, he kicks out at me, and it was always dreams of being chased or attached by people, and he is just trying to defend himself. But - if he gets lots of sleep, it never happens. He doesn’t drink alcohol (alcohol interrupts your sleep), and we have a super king bed, so I am not near enough for him to kick. it hasn’t happened for years.

I'm so sorry, OP. You're right, it really isn't fair. Do you have friends or family you can go to for moral support?

I would suggest also phoning women's aid for an understanding ear - they won't push you to leave him but they'll be ready to offer support if that's what you choose.

It really isn't easy to walk out the door, but with the right planning and help it is possible. Wishing you and your children nothing but the very best x

Wakes up when he finishes?! What a fucking liar!!

Why can't he moved out @Smoggle123 ?

Can you go and see a solicitor and at least find out your financial and other rights?

Women's Aid would be helpful too I think.

And why can't or won't he go and sleep on the sofa?

Have you thought about getting him removed from the house? You have some options. You could call police. Tell them he’s raping you. You could see a solicitor, get a non molestation order, get an occupation order, have him removed. If he’s not going to remove himself to a spare room/sofa/somewhere he can’t get at you, then you make it happen. Options to consider if you don’t want to be the one having to leave. Have a final chat with him, ask him exactly what he’s going to do to keep you safe. Base your actions on how he responds. Keep safe op x

This sexism is sounds like a variation on the theme of men strangling women and to death and saying it was just a consensual sex game gone wrong.

OP, along with many others, I am thinking of you tonight.

If you will permit me I'd like to put forward a theory as to why it is possible men think they can get away with this shit. Rape in marriage was only made illegal in the UK in 1991. It can take a while for society to catch up with changes in legislation. There is a hangover of thought and expectation and entitlement and men brought up by fathers born, say, in the 1970s might still believe they have a right to their wife's body, because of what they heard growing up. "Conjugal rights", that sort of thing.

There is nothing right about that. And what your partner is doing is a criminal offence. But this might be why he thinks it's ok.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, but your situation doesn't sound parallel to the OP's, whose husband is choosing to rape her by ni dealing with his claimed, undiagnosed 'condition'.

You didn't molest someone who didn't consent (and interestingly most women who suffer 'sexsomnia' do just masturbate, as opposed to men who instead generally get aggressively sexual with their bedmate ).

Some people have said 'sexsomniacs' only try it on with their sexual partner, which to me implies they're subconsciously still in control or instinctively following whatever internal boundaries are ingrained in them.
If they truly have zero control whatsoever, even subconsciously, then it is a very real concern that they could rape children who get into bed with them, or sleepwalk into another room and rape other people in the house.

Please call women's aid. And please know that whether or not he is unable to control himself (I think that's bullshit, and i think it's rape) know that you deserve to feel safe and happy and absolutely not violated. You deserve more than this

So we had another talk which got my back up as I felt he was trying to excuse what had happened rather than just being sincerely sorry.

It was like "oh but you said X was okay before we went to sleep"

I fail to see how consenting to one thing means he can decide to have penetrative sex with me, when I've already said no prior to that, and then decide to finish inside me and risk pregnancy impacting all of us as a family.

I'm just beyond speechless.

No I can't ask him to leave as this is his place and we aren't married...hence the dp!

I'm so sorry. Can you get him out of the bedroom tonight? And you are absolutely right. Consenting to x does not mean you are up for y.