(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Just stop posting. It just looks like your excusing the OP's partner 🤦‍♀️

Go sleep in another room and lock the door at night until he is "cured".
If he is being genuine (which I really don't believe), he will get help.

Also, if he is watching porn he should also stop doing so immediately if he is serious about getting better.

You also need an exit plan and this is something I rarely advise any woman with children to do but your situation is totally unacceptable for you and your children.
Plan something for the New Year.

With Christmas and your child's surgery you feel this isn't the time to leave, which is understandable, it's a big step.

What about after Christmas?
You say you have no family support - is that at all or locally?

The fact he's not falling over himself in apology, and has done nothing about it since last time, shows you this relationship isn't sustainable. He may not be able to help himself during the incidents, but he now knows it happens and has done nothing to prevent it happening again so that does mean he feels that it is ok to rape you occasions. That's not a man you want to be with long term as he has no respect for you.

What's your housing situation? Do you own together, separate or rent?

Have you been able to access the MAP today? The sooner it's taken the more effective it can be.

Short term solution is that when he does this & you wake up, knee him, push him, pull his hair, even hit him - whatever it takes to get him off you.

This is the cycle of abuse, OP. He will be apologetic, then indifferent, then angry - whatever it takes to get you back into your box. If you confront him his responses will escalate to suicide threats, completely ignoring you, violence. (More violence, I should say, on top of what he's already been doing to you.)

Google for the telephone number of your local branch of Women's Aid (it's usually easier to get through to them that way than in the national number), contact rape crisis. No one will force you to leave but help and support is available while you consider your options.

Women’s Aid won’t throw you under the bus, but they can help you to make a plan. They will understand if you tell them what you’ve communicated to us here, even if you don’t feel you can say it directly, and if you feel conflicted about all of this they’ll understand that too.

If you don’t feel able to ask him to sleep on the sofa, for now, get a couple of onesies. Ideally the sort that only has fastenings towards the top of the chest, so you’re wearing something that would be absolutely impossible for him to take off you while you’re sleeping (and if he questions this, it’s very cold right now, it makes sense that you’d want warmer nightwear).

He’s a pig, and I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible situation.

If he has sex with her without her even waking up, she has either been drugged (most likely) or was blind drunk.

If you RTFT
you will see I have answered the first question
ie
they don’t assess whether you bonk the bed post they assess brain and eye activity etc etc

Of note
The research was carried out by

The University of Bergens Sleep work and Health research centre

Funding Is through the Government and through a research foundation that also funds research at the same centre into neurodegenerative diseases

There is no indication of any underhand funding for the benefit of others

if you have proof of underhand funding can you post it please

Why would you and your children end up in a hostel? Why would your rapist husband not be the one to leave?

He's raping you & trying to use some pseudo undiagnosed medical condition to excuse his predatory behaviour.
If you choose to continue the relationship (obviously your choice, but he's shown you his true nature!), then he needs to leave the home until he has an official diagnosis from a medical practitioner and an effective treatment plans in place. However, as there is no cure for being a rapist he might as well just leave permanently.
I can guarantee that if there was another man sleeping beside him, his "sexomnia" would miraculously disappear.

He’s raping you. You need to do whatever you can to protect yourself. Wear clothing that will make it harder. If he tries it on again, smack him as hard as you can round the face. And plan on getting out!!!!!

@Smoggle123 , have you been cleared for sex by your physician or midwife? If not, you need to check in with them as you could get an infection that could affect your reproductive system and worse if untreated.

You're touchy.
Universities do all kinds of baloney research all the time.
It depends on the personal interests of the professor or the people funding the research often with a vested interest.

You don't need a medical degree to know that teenage boys have wet dreams otherwise known as "nocturnal emissions". Having an erotic dream is not unusual if the person has been watching porn just before bed either.

It's one thing to ejaculate while asleep, it's a whole other thing to rape the person next to you.

The lab research at the uni of Bergen or the uni of Oz doesn't prove men rape in their sleep - they haven't reproduced this in the lab environment for a start.

It's a lame excuse used by rapists trying to get away with rape in a court of law.

I'm so sorry you've been through this too. My ex was also a sex pest outside of the incidents of "sexomnia". The more he pestered me the less I wanted it so the more likely he was (consciously or not) to take it from me

Poor woman.
Comes on here to talk about a horrible situation and gets berated and called a liar

Get your partner to move out. Tell him to go. He is responsible for keeping himself safe and making sure his behaviour does not endanger you or anyone else. He is not doing that at the moment. He can stay with family or friends or book himself into a hotel or hostel. What he cannot do is rape you, sexomnia or not.

That's a really shitty and ignorant question to ask a rape victim. Please don't ever ask that again.

Also, you need to protect your children, especially if they're girls. Put alarms on their doors.

Hi OP.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. This has happened to me with my OH. We've been together 18 years and has happened a handful of times in this time, especially during a bit of a dry spell. I just wanted to offer some support, I know how you feel. Whilst there may be a genuine reason for this happening, its important, that if you can, don't let it happen - I mean when you wake up during, don't just let him finish off and deal with it later.
You need to help him break this pattern of behaviour, and if he is finishing off whilst in this state, it will become harder to break. Keep talking to him about it so he knows how it makes you feel.

Sending hugs and I hope the surgery for DC goes well.

I can't move out right now but it doesn't mean I need to be with him. I'm going to get my ducks in row for the next year. I hope to update then with a positive ending to this.

It's going to be so so hard, I'm honestly so scared. Really need to be strong right now. I hate how his actions have inflicted all this hardship onto me and the kids. Our lives are about to flip upside down and he will be left hardly unchanged, it's almost like it will be my punishment and not his.

In the circumstances I think this is unhelpful.

Whether we believe in parasomnias or not, the fact remains that OP is being gaslit and regularly raped. Your experiences, and those of your partner are outside that so it might be best to leave it now.

It is going to be difficult at first OP but it's doable and future you will be so so grateful and in awe of your strength.

Try not to look at it as a punishment for you because it's not. It's freedom and a chance to be properly happy

I sometimes get upset because I feel like I got the shit end of the stick for just wanting a nice life for my children and myself. I had to give up my beautiful home, move away from my friends and family. As difficult as parts have been, the proudness I feel from getting away outweighs any sadness or resentment I feel. And out life now is lovely full of nothing but supportive loving people.

Good luck OP x

If it's happening during 'dry patches', I'm not buying the sexomnia. I'm really not.

I'm guessing that it's never happened when you've been on your period?

So no proof then

This particular Uni research centre is doing an awful lot for people with neurodegenerative diseases eg Parkinson’s, dementia etc. They are worth my defending them ( when there’s no proof otherwise) as we all may benefit from that one day

Wishing you strength and I hope you can see it through and find some peace.

I grew up in an abusive household and I get how tough it is. It will be worth it for your kids to see that strength.