Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

[Jack32]

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

Don’t overreact.

Let him come to you and apologise. You know it will go one of two wars. He is either wanting out and said it in a clumsy way. Or he is jaded and exhausted with the grind.

If it is the latter be open to listening to how he feels. How can weekends be better,what does he need at the weekend to enjoy it more fully. Maybe he resents the fact you have energy for a run and he doesn’t? You need to talk it out. Make a plan. His delivery could be improved, but ultimately parenting can be incredibly tough on both parents.

If it’s the former then that is more serious and I would suggest couple counselling.

Sounds like he is fed up with you having an hour to look after your health by going for a run meaning he has to look after the kids - he is having a tantrum in the hopes that you will get distressed, try to 'save' the marriage and stop going for a run. Ignore him and stay out longer for your run today. Teach him by your behaviour that when he makes idle vacuous threats he ends up getting the opposite of what he hoped for. If you give in now he will be tantrumming and getting his own way all the time. It's not acceptable to threaten to end the relationship just because he is fed up of looking after his own children.

There’s an another woman, there always is. His reaction smacks or guilt, resentment and irritation. He doesn’t want this, and he wants to be with her, she’s child free and younger most likely. Text book. What an awful man.

This is excellent advice (the day out advice not the be dobby the house elf advice!)

While you are out...
Do something nice for you...
start moving some money (small amounts and set reminders to do it regularly) and I'd also read the script..just in case.

Do react to this and do not apologise ir try and make it right. He needs to do that.

Generally I'd be very watchful now.

Definitely go for the run.
But then talk to him, communicate.

He doesn't get to drop this bomb shell and expect you to carry on as normal or for you to stop having your free time to appease him.
He needs to explain himself and you both need to look at the equity in your marriage & in the way you are parenting the children. Who does what? Who gets free time when?

Is it fair or can changes be made to make it fair for both of you?
If he can't discuss this rationally and reasonably then it might be time to consider your future plans.

Remind him that this bit with young kids isn't forever but he needs to do his bit while they are young, it's not just all on you.

Thank you for the replies.
He works outdoors in all weathers so I get it, his work life is tough and he’s possibly stressed/tired. He just seemed completely fine all evening, we laughed and joked as normal.

Before I took up jogging, he would get up around 9/10am anyway, but I’d be around so he wasn’t parenting alone. Im up with the kids now and plan to go for my jog soon, I agree that I can’t let him get away with his tantrum and we need to sit down and talk tonight. I honestly feel taken for granted.

Yeah it sounds like he is tantrumming so you will give up the tiny bit of me time you have carved out for yourself. Fuck that shit.

You need an honest discussion about what each of you needs. 💐

Another vote for this being the prologue to The Script. It is so predictable but I hope we’re wrong.

I would be crushed if my husband said that to me. We get 1 day off work a week and I look forward to just spending time with him.

I wouldn't wait for him to come to you. I'd be asking him what separating was going to look like since he wants out.

So this one hour is the only time he looks after his own children all week? Bloody hell.

It's because you cope so well that he doesn't think about how you might also feel the frustrations around family life that he does.
My exH was definitely like that, he just assumed I was happy doing all the family heavy lifting because I just got on with it. In reality, I felt the same pressures, tiredness etc I just accepted it was part of life at that time
Years later he was genuinely surprised when I said I hadn't been that happy either.

We didn't communicate. I just sucked it up & did more which isn't the answer.

I’d actually leave the sitting down to talk until Monday

give him chance to apologise, see if he does- don’t mention his outburst or wanting to talk until Sunday night or ninday

this also gives a chance for things to settle and let you have a positive chat

hope he’s not had his head turned

Do you work OP?

I appreciate he does a very physical job but so do lots of Dads (and Mums for that matter) and they'd be incredulous at the idea it's possible to lie in until 10am every weekend with babies and toddlers in the house.
Honestly, i think he's tantrummed because you going for a jog at 8am has put a stop to that on Saturdays. Doesn't he appeciate that you've got the DC up/dressed/fed beforehand? He's being very selfish. You're allowed something for you, too, and an hour a week is hardly excessive.

i'd be shocked he's gone straight to 'want out of the marriage' because of that though - he owes you an honest conversation at least.

Don’t be manipulated by not going for your run. Make sure you go!! Personally I’d stay out even longer than usual but hey ho.
Please please don’t let him control your life and what you enjoy - you’ve done nothing wrong - stick up for yourself.

Have you gone out for your run though?

When you decided to take up jogging at 8am on a Sat did you discuss it with him or arbitrarily present it as a done deal? It does sound like he’s resentful of losing a lie-in after a strenuous week rather than anything more major.

Like an PP, I would also get up and do your normal routine but take the children out with you, leaving him in bed. And I’d want to stay out all day. Give him an all day lie in. Plenty of time to ponder his hurtful words. See if he prefers that to a lovely family weekend.
Why? Because in as much as I wouldn’t want to be with a man who was fed up of the marriage and hating family weekends, I wouldn’t want to leave my dc with him either.
I hope he has the good sense to issue you a heartfelt apology OP.

Probably CBA to look after his own kids whilst you go for a jog. Really horrible thing for him to say, he needs to he apologising, you certainly don’t need to do anything.

I'm sorry; that's a horrible thing to hear especially when you're not at all expecting it. If he genuinely feels that the relationship between the two of you is over and does not want to try to repair it, then ending the marriage may be the only solution (just as it would be if you felt strongly that you wanted to end things). But IF that's the case, he's chosen a hurtful way to tell you. I would expect an apology for the timing and delivery even if everything he said is true. If nothing else, co-parenting for the next 18 years is going to require more civility and grace than he showed last night.

If his issue is less with the relationship and more with family life/the routine that has developed over time, that's his doing and his responsibility just as much as yours. And if he's not used to "parenting alone", he's DEFINITELY not going to find splitting up (and thus handling 50% of it completely on his own) easier and more enjoyable than what's happening now! And again - saying out of the blue that he wants to end the marriage when he doesn't is cruel and inconsiderate (unacceptable, really) and the way it seems he's blaming you for choices the two of you made together and what they have led to, without doing his part in constructively communicating what changes he'd like to see and working and compromising to make them happen, sounds immature at absolute best. Talk, by all means, but hold him to a reasonable standard and don't sell yourself short (or let the children be short-changed - they also deserve two functional, involved parents who CAN and DO parent "alone" when needed).

He's having sex with another woman and is about to monster you now to blame you for it. He has been talking about you to other people already. Go to Chump Lady. Find your anger. See a lawyer.

Men rarely say things like this without there being a reason. It does sound like the start of the script.

You need to discuss it once your kids are asleep.

I absolutely would not be taking the children with me. He is a parent as well as regardless of his work during the week he has responsibilities on the weekend. OP having an hour or so to herself in the morning one day a week isn't asking too much. By taking the children with her it's exactly what he wants which is to opt out of being present with the family he helped create. It's absolutely pathetic how little is expected of "fathers" I guarantee he does sweet FA round the house and poor OP is default parent, maid and house manager and can't have 1 hour to herself once a week without him threatening to end the marriage. Wild!!!!

Not that it matters, but the term is blind sided, not blindsighted. It comes from attacking someone unprepared on their blind side.

Correct. It doesn’t matter. So why do this?